Dedicated to: RedInkAlive

I don’t really believe into the idea of internet love.

Like how would two people fall in love solely just by communicating each other at social media?

That was my mindset before.

Not until this guy unexpectedly chatted me.

Him:
hi, good evening. nagsusulat ka?

I’m actually an aspiring writer at that one platform named Wattpad. I created a Facebook writing account to hopefully promote my works, so I’m somewhat more active here.

Abala ako sa pag-e-edit ng chapter sa series ko nang mag-pop up ang message niyang ‘yon.

His name is Ken.

I admittedly smiled at his second message and decide to respond.

I don’t really want myself to entertain guys nowadays. I promise to myself that I should only focus on my studies and passion. But this guy made me broke that promise.

I don’t know, there’s something on him. And that’s the thing I want to know.

Me:
hello, good evening. yes, why?
bago lang din ako nagsimula.

Ni-seen niya agad ito. And a smiled immediately plastered on me, knowing he’s perhaps, waiting for my reply.

I received three messages from him chronologically.

Him: lapag nga username ng ma-judge ko
Him: kidding aside
Him: follow lang kita and i will read your stories:)

His last message brought a wide smile to my face. I have already received this kind of message from my Facebook girlfriends but it really hits different if it came from a guy.

Bihira lang magbasa ang mga lalaki.

Me:
pinapakilig mo ba ako? dejoke
@xxxxx username ko.

He responds immediately.

Wala ba ‘tong ibang pinagkakaabalahan? Ang bilis mag-reply ha. Green flag siya r’yan.

But yeah, magaling lang lahat sa umpisa.

Him:
slightly

Needless to say, but I also like his typing’s. We’re almost the same. Nakaka-pogi ng dating.

Me:
thank you agad:)

Him:
wala ‘yon, basta ikaw.

Ay wow, pinopormahan ba ako neto?

Me:
medyo effective ha

I relay my intrusive thoughts. I’ve been a lot of talking stages before. So, I quietly know how to handle a conversation.

Him: tayo nalang kaya
Him: kidding

I’m taken a back with his out of nowhere replies. I slide my tongue inside my cheeks to control my vibration.

Ewan, dapat sanay na ako sa mga ganito. Hindi na dapat ako matatablan ng kilig pero ewan ko talaga bakit kinikilig pa rin ako.

Walang hiyang sarili.

Me:
feeling ko talaga kilala mo ‘ko tas gino-good time mo ‘ko. bilis e!

Hindi ko mapigilang sabihin. Kakakita ko lang kasi no’ng video tungkol sa lalaking nagpanggap ang kapatid niyang may gusto sa kanya sa RP.

Habang kinikilig siya, pinagtatawanan na siya ng kapatid niya.

Nakaka-trauma ‘di ba? Ayoko namang mangyari ‘yon sa ‘kin.

Him:
nope

Me:
how old are you na ba?

I asked, somewhat curious about his details.

Him:
ladies first

seen

Pa-mysterious.

Nang maramdaman niyang hindi ako nag-ri-reply ay nag-chat ulit siya.

Him:
bata pa ako, sabihin nalang natin na mag d-dos na ako.

I chuckled.

Medyo funny naman pala. Plus, points!

Me:
dinadaan mo talaga ako sa ganyan kasi ayaw mo mag reveal.

Him:
fine, i’m 20 years old. how ‘bout you?

I’m a bit shocked. Akala ko ay magkasing-edad lang kami. Now I realized that I’m way older than him.

Lapitin talaga ako ng mga mas bata.

One-year gap lang naman. Sobrang oa ko na ba?

Me: 21 na ‘ko HAHAHA
Me: so, college ka na pala.

Him:
yeah IT student

seen

I just reacted on his message. Hindi naman niya tinanong ang sa akin kaya wala akong dapat sabihin.

After a minute, unexpectedly I haven’t received a double message from him. I sighed and accept the possibility that this is the ending of our conversation.

But then, my system won’t. Binigyan agad ako ng ideya paano patutuloyin ang pag-uusap.

Me:
bookworm ka?

He’s now typing and I can’t stop looking at it.

Him: yeah, actually marami na akong mga book collections.
Him: skl miss

I really love his typing style. Parang nakakakilig lahat ng sinasabi niya. Napaka-attractive ng dating. And knowing he’s into books. Parang magugustuhan ko siya.

Me: for real? drop title nga ano na mga collections mo, wanna know.
Me: wattpad books or new york times?

Him:
both

Bigla akong nakaramdam ng excitement sa pinag-uusapan namin.

Syempre, libro na ‘yan e!

Me:
drop title baka same us!

Him:
guess

Me:
-_-

He successfully turns down my excitement.

I exit the conversation section and decided to scroll down first. But suddenly, a notification pop-up and it was him again.

Ken replied to your story:
galing sobrang ayos na ayos

Naging malapad ulit ang ngiti ko. Myday ko ‘yon na isang scene sa series ko. By appreciating his comment, I immediately react a heart emoticon on it.

I feel so much butterflies in my stomach...unexpectedly.

Hindi ko dapat maramdaman ‘to. Shit naman!

Me:
kikiligin na ba ‘ko neto? sige salamat.

I try to act normal. Pero alam ko sa sarili kong nagtatalon na ang puso ko sa compliment niya.

Me:
baka kilala mo talaga ‘ko in person ha? nakaka-overthink naman.

Paninigurado ko ulit. Baka kasi talaga kilala niya ako. Parang kaka-gawa lang din niya ng account.

Him:
maybe

And that made my world stopped. Nataranta ang buong katawan ko. I immediately stalked his profile, firstly at his details down to his highlights.

Taga-luzon kaya malabo.

Pinagti-tripan ba ako neto?

Him:
sa future

Huli na nang makita ko ang karugtong ng sinabi niya.

Pucha!

Him:
are you busy ba? sorry if i disturbed you.

Me:
hindi naman pero pa lowbat na ‘ko.

Him: well, same... bagay talaga tayo.
Him: kidding, alam mo naman age doesn’t matter.

I finally laughed with his words. I pursed my lips to stop from smiling. Baka biglang pumasok mga kapatid ko at sasabihin na namang may jowa ako kapag nakita nila akong nakangiti sa phone.

Me:
it matters, kapag minor.

Him:
minor pa ba ako? tanong ko lang. kaya siguro ako mababa sa ‘understanding the self’ no’n dahil ‘di ko rin talaga maintindihan sarili ko.

I laughed silently. Hindi ko alam kung mababaw lang ba talaga ako o nakakatawa talaga ang sinabi niya. Pero feeling ko mababaw lang ako.

Me:
hindi HAHAHA nasa adulting stage ka na.

Him:
habulin na nga sa campus e,
walang halong joke ‘to.

I flinched. Luh, hangin. Habulin ng aso ba kamo?

Me:
ang hangin, pareho lang kayo ng male lead na sinusulat ko.

Him:
sino ba ‘yan ng maging kumpare ko.

I’m about to type a reply when he sent message again.

Him:
saan ka nag-aaral?

Interasado na siya. And so, I giggled when a stupid thought came out.

Me:
secret baka puntahan mo pa ‘ko.

I don’t know why I didn’t take a second thought to send it. Sana lang ay masakyan niya.

Him:
why not, date tayo.

Agad akong napabangon sa pagkakahiga. For that sudden response of him. Napabitaw ako sa phone at naghanap muna ng hangin.

Ang oa talaga ng sistema ko.

seen

Him: nawala
Him: okay goodnight nalang, ate ganda.

Nag-message ulit siya at mas lalong hindi ‘yon nakatulong dahil sa huling sinabi niya.

Pa-fall masyado. Red flag.

I quickly fixed myself. Pinagkatitigan ang chat niya at nag-iisip ng mabuti. I smiled after a minute thinking. Akala niya ha siya lang marunong.

Me: miss mo naman agad
Me: nag-a-ate na ha tamang behavior.

He replied immediately.

Him:
sige, ganda nalang.
Him: pa’no ba ‘yan, baka ma-in love ako sa ‘yo.

I didn’t know how my actual self-stayed being calm right now when I know my heart’s racing out of control.

Ba’t ba siya ganyan? Sino ba siya para pakiligin ako? Bwesit siya.

I tried my best to be as calm and normal as I could before typing a reply.

Me: as you should.
Me: babaw lang ng puso mo ‘pag nagkataon.

Him:
that’s how loving people are.

And he sent cute sticker after that.

Loving people, baka malandi. Tss!

I chuckled, can’t type a single reply.

Him:
mahina signal d’yan? malamang e mabagal mag-chat.

Shit, he really knows how to get me.

Me: luh nagdi-demand na siya
Me: delikado na ’yan
Me: baka hulog ka na talaga

I laughed with my words, looking myself at the mirror. And suddenly realize something.

Him:
taken ka na? hmm maybe.

Me:
taken for granted, ikaw ba?

Him:
kapag sinabi ko bang single ako, akin ka na?

Ayan na naman siya.

Hindi pa nakasabay ang battery ng phone ko at pa-lowbat na.

Me: bilis naman hindi mo na pinagpabukas.
Me: goodnight na, pa-lowbat na ‘ko.
Me: nice meeting you.

Him:
wala man lang kiss

Landi. Kakakilala lang e.

Me:
mahal kiss ko, sorry.

Him:
send gcash ko na ba?

I paused. Ang galing niya ro’n ha.

Me:
sige nga, pakita mo kung sino ka.

Him:
just kidding

I smirked at the air. Wala pala ‘to e.

Him: sige bye na, goodnight.
Him: basahin ko ngayon works mo

I’m about to reply nang mag-shutdown na talaga phone ko. Hindi pa nakatulong ng biglaang mawalan ng kuryente.

Hays ganda na ng pag-uusap e.

I decided to just sleep. Wala naman akong magagawa kung talagang dead batt na talaga phone ko. I started to close my eyes and find myself smiling at our conversation.

I woke up to the sound of my siblings bickering. There’s still no electricity kaya mabigat ang pagkakabangon ko. Narinig ko pang sa kanto lang pala namin ang walang kuryente.

How unlucky we are.

And so desperately, naki-charge pa ako sa ibang kanto.

Me: good morning
Me: walang kuryente
Me: kamusta pagbabasa?

Sunod-sunod na chat ko. Kita ko ngayon ang wattpad notifications kong halos galing sa kanya.

And I smiled for that thought.

Him: morning
Him: nakapag-breakfast ka na?
Him: 9.9 over 10

Sunod-sunod din niyang reply sa mga chats ko.

I creased my forehead even knowing he won’t see it.

Me: yes done
Me: so, where’s the 0.1?

Him: nasa puso ko
Him: corny ako, wth.

Pinipigilan ko ngayong matawa dahil nasa bahay ako ng pinsan ko ngayon.

Corny talaga.

Me:
tao ka, ‘wag kalimutan.

Naging biro ko nalang. Sana naman matawa siya.

But instead of reacting my message. He suddenly sends out of topic messages. Ang hilig talaga niyang mag-change topic.

Him: just wanna say...
Him: ...mala-maharlika ang ‘yong ganda. malaya--hindi nagwawakas parang parirala.

As he sends those messages. A warm blush spread across my cheeks. It was as if butterflies had taken up residence inside me, fluttering wildly.

Hindi.

Hindi ako dapat makaramdaman ng ganito.

Me: hindi mo pa nga ako nakikita
Me: lalo na siguro ‘pag nakita na dejoke

Honestly, I usually received compliments about my looks. I don’t know, they may be like my beauty. Marami na rin ang umaamin pero kadalasan ay hindi ko mga tipo.

But this one, I don’t even see his face, I don’t know his real identity. But I don’t know...he hits different.

Maybe because he’s into books? Same vibes, win? Lol, I don't know. May mga ka-same vibes naman ako in real life pero walang katulad ang excitement na naramdaman ko ngayon.

Me:
ilang babae na ang nasabihan mo ng ganito?

Him:
sa story lang

Me:
you mean, sa librong sinusulat mo?

Him:
yeah

And that was the time, I finally can tell why. Nagsusulat din pala siya. Somewhat unexpected. And so, I immediately stalked him at wattpad and confirmed that he’s really also writing a novel.

A BL series, specifically.

So, he's a bisexual?

As I read his work. I’m a bit impressed of his chosen words. Maganda ang pagkaka-narrate niya and somewhat curious about the plot.

He’s good.

Mas lalo tuloy akong na-excite.

Him:
unsent a message

Me:
pinapa-overthink mo naman ako.

Kakabalik ko lang sa messenger at ‘yon agad ang bungad niya. Nagbasa lang e.

Him:
nah, matagal ka mag-seen kaya unsent ko nalang. busy ka, right?

Alam niya palang busy, hindi na talaga binigyan ng konsiderasyon. Napangisi nalang ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. I just find him...cute.

Me:
so, ano ‘yan?

Him:
nevermind, just keep doing what you’re doing.

Mas lalo akong napangisi.

Me:
cute mo ah.

I can’t resist now to compliment him. But really...ang cute niya magtampo.

Him:
cute lang?

Pagsabay niya sa trip ko.

Me: ano pa ba gusto mo?
Me: ako?

Biglaang banat ko. Ewan, hindi ko rin alam bakit bumabanat ako.

Him: wala na, i admit...kinilig ako.
Him: hays oa ko na

Kung meron lang sanang nakakita sa akin ngayon ay akalaing nasa healthy relationship ako sa sobrang saya.

Tangina, bakit kasi ang cute niya? Bwesit siya ah.

As days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, our virtual bond deepened.

We shared our dreams, fears, and some shallow secrets. Yet, behind the screen of anonymity, I harbored doubts, unsure if our connection would withstand the harsh light of reality.

Nananatiling walang label. Just enjoying the companion. And I still don’t know his real intention.

Until the day comes...

Him:
may nagugustuhan ako

I’m surprised, can’t utter a single word. Biglaan niyang chat ‘yon sa akin. Kaka-tapos ko lang magsulat at mukhang mapapasubo akong magsulat ulit.

I’m too eager to ask but I’m also too afraid to know.

Napalunok lang ako nang makitang typing ulit siya.

Him:
lalaki

And that message of him tear me apart. He’s indeed a bisexual. As my feelings deepens, he’s also into someone.

Someone I can’t compete.

Me:
omg support!

Cracks began to form inside my heart. A small liquid began to fall down from my eyes. I cried, silently. Regretting again.

Natalo ulit ako.

Hindi ko nalang sana sinira ang pangako ko sa sarili ko.

Ngayon...ako ‘yong nasira.

I really don’t believe into the idea of internet love.