In the era that we're currently in, we don't typically have lives that consists of unique experiences and dramatic ups and downs. One of the benefits of being an actor is being able to glimpse at the fates of others, to change, to be touched, to be inspired.
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BLACK MANDALA

Before filming Detective Chinatown, I had a very important walkthrough experience on the set of Black Mandala. During the time that I spent familiarizing myself with the role, I was forced to continuously face myself at my lowest, to experience the depths of human despair.

Even though I ended up not being able to take part in the film due to conflicting schedules, that period of time spent studying and being challenged allowed me to learn many things.

My role was a youth with dual personalities. One side of him was like an angel, and the other was a murderer who killed his own mother.

The role was slightly similar to the character Aaron in Primal Fear, played by Edward Norton. Aaron was believed to have dissociative identity disorder, and was normally seen as a weak, harmless, stuttering person who lacked confidence.

But when he felt like he was under pressure, a personality called "Roy" would take over. Roy was cruel, ruthless, and violent.

In Black Mandala, the focus was on the discussion of personality and persona. The story was about someone who needed to feel safe, but was never protected. He never had a way of expressing his true self.

All human beings have a good side, and a side that may not be as good. When a child is young, he is able to express the kind, pure, loving parts of himself, as well as selfishness, bossiness, and more extreme traits that aren't as kind.

The way the child expresses him or herself (T/N: meaning they show both sides of themselves) is a sign that they are in a loving environment, that they feel secure.

When these "kind' traits are shown, family members will encourage him or her. When the "not so kind" traits come through, family members will put rules down. The encouragement and the set rules are the foundation of a child's personality, and that personality may be guided and changed (based on environment).

But for some others, they may have grown up in an unsafe environment. They might have never dared to show the "bad" side of themselves, and desperately suppress it, until one day it exposes itself. That hidden "bad" side then is shown in a second persona.

In this story, when the character is in an unsafe environment, he has no way of showing the "bad" side of himself, so hides it in his heart. As a result, no one ever tells him that this is wrong.
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FIRST TIME DOING A WALKTHROUGH TO THE POINT OF DESPAIR

Black Mandala's director used to direct plays. When I arrived on set, everyone was there.

The director was very straightforward. He said, "I know you have no issue playing the angel side of the character. Pure, wonderful, kind. We don't have any worries there. But the role's most important part is when his personality changes to an evil, darker side."

He hoped that I could properly show these characteristics.

When I first tried out the role, my acting was very stiff. I wanted to calm myself down, to appear sinister in my silence. But the director wasn't happy. He didn't want to see calmness - he wanted to see me go crazy. He wanted to provoke me, for me to show uncontrollable rage.

But we all have different ways of expressing rage. For some people, they take their anger out and end up in a screaming match with someone else for ten minutes.

But my understanding of the rage in the film was an anger that came from someone who was highly intelligent, very analytical, and very layered.

So when the director began to use language to provoke me, using his body to make me feel afraid, all I could think about was how I'd act, as I could see the cameras all around me.

But under the director's guidance, I slowly began to get in character, to feel the character's hurt, his sadness, and his disappointment in the world and cynicism towards people.

I can't really remember now when I started to get in character. It's not something I can control or replicate, but it was the first time that I experienced losing control of myself.

It was a type of "high", and when the director yelled, "Cut!", I broke down. I was screaming and cursing, my body couldn't stop shaking and thrashing around.

My tears and my snot were uncontrollable, and my mind was a total mess. From my body to my emotions, it was like I had been attacked by a heavy storm.

I thought about myself. I'm not someone who you could say was harmless. When I was little, I was quick-tempered, but because I was in boarding school at an early age, I was always surrounded by teachers and classmates. No one has the obligation to let you be willful.

So in that type of environment, I protected myself with a thick shell. And I didn't have a great sense of security to begin with to erase the sudden rise in emotions.
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EXPERIENCING IT IN A LITTLE DARK ROOM

After we figured out the character and I entered the set (before filming started), the director arranged for an acting coach to train me. His hope was that I could experience the heavy emotions of the character.

At the time, I was staying at a hotel with the crew. Every morning when I woke up, I'd go find my coach for training and classes.

The character I was playing was abandoned by his birth parents. He grew up in the home of his adoptive father, and was abused and neglected. He was slightly autistic, and developed claustrophobia due to being locked in a tiny, dark room as a child after throwing a tantrum.

In order to experience the feeling of "loss of control due to the constraint of space and the passing of time", my coach had me enter a little dark room.

The hotel we were staying at had a small bathroom that had no windows. It was inside a room, and was very small, about 5 square meters, with a fan. My coach had me leave my watch, phone, and anything that was related to time or light outside.

When I walked in the bathroom, I shut off the light and the fan, so that the room would be totally dark. The only thing I couldn't do was sleep, everything else was okay. I could stay in there as long as I wanted, until the point where I felt like I couldn't anymore.

After going in, at first, I was wondering what I should think about. I must endure, must stay in there a little longer. So I started thinking about all kinds of things, anything I could think of. But there is no direction in your thoughts, it's all over the place.

Maybe I'd be thinking about how unique the director's appearance was, but the next second it would be about what I wanted to eat. And then I thought about my regular interactions with classmates, and then work.

Then I thought about how it'd been a long time since I got time off to go home, how much I wanted to rest for a while and go home to see my family...

I thought about everything, but not in great detail. Because in that dark, closed off environment, these thoughts were just to kill time.

As I was thinking, I was playing with a toothbrush in my hand. Later, I picked up a hairbrush. When I thought about everything I could think of, and had nothing else to do, it was like my spirit had been knocked out of me.

My mind was blank, and I began to doze off. But then I jerked awake, wondering, "How long have I been sitting here? It's been a long time, hasn't it?"

As time passed, I became more and more restless, and felt that it was getting hotter. I was itchy all over, and the air seemed thinner. And I began to think, "Is it because the fan isn't on so there isn't any circulating air? If I don't leave now, will I suffocate?"

And then started thinking of excuses to leave, with my thoughts alternating between, "I really can't stay here any longer! I need to go out!", and "I can't give up so easily! What if only five minutes have passed?"

Slowly, I lost my sense of time, and began to struggle with breathing. And the more I felt that I couldn't breathe, the more uneven my breaths became. My brain was filled with thoughts on how it was because the fan wasn't on, that the bathroom would be out of oxygen soon.

But of course, there was oxygen. Even though the fan wasn't on, it wasn't entirely sealed, and there was airflow.

But at the time, I was fighting with myself, wanting to go out, but also wanting to see if I can endure a little longer, and then in the next second, I wanted to go out again. I felt like I was going crazy.

Finally, I couldn't bear it anymore. I ran out of the bathroom like I was on fire, and the minute I touched the doorknob, I regretted it. I felt that I could've stuck it out a little longer. After coming out, I was told I only stayed in there for a little over two hours.

Even though the director didn't go into detail, I understood what he wanted me to experience in the darkness: helplessness, fear, recklessness, impatience, frustration. When I first went in, I was very focused, and I was calm, but I became more and more insecure, more an more anxious.

Under those circumstances, when nobody is looking at you, when you're feeling incredibly insecure, you'll have all sorts of thoughts come out. And you'll have a deeper understanding of what kind of mindset you're in, the negative parts of yourself that you've hidden.

So when we were doing the walkthrough for the scene, the director wanted me to express those extreme emotions. I was also trying it out, because it's also cathartic.

I really look forward to a character like that, but I'm also nervous. I hope that I can have a role like this in the future, but I also know it's not an easy role to portray. You can't just release those type of emotions easily.

It's the darker sides that are harder to portray. Like when Heath Ledger played the Joker, there was damage to his spirit.

I'm not a loud, outgoing person. I absorb the negative things quietly, and my method is to forget. Once I think about it once, I won't dwell on it. To be blunt, it's not that I've forgotten, more that I don't want to think about it anymore.

Even though I ended up not acting in the film due to conflicting schedules, I was very happy to have met the director at that time. Later on, we crossed paths again, and brought up memories of that walkthrough. They all said I was a ferocious little beast.
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DEPRESSED

I haven't been in a great state of mind for work lately, as I easily become anxious or sad. You feel like you're just repeating the same tasks over and over again. There is no excitement, but you also feel that this is your job. You can't give up. So you just want to quickly complete it.

I'll talk to my friends sometimes, and discover that this feeling of having to suppress my emotions, not feeling motivated or excited anymore - a lot of people go through it. But it's also not a constant feeling. Maybe one day when I wrap up a scene, I'll feel that I did a really great job, and the director is very pleased as well, so I'll feel very happy.

I think this is because actors, are by nature, quite sensitive. Being an actor as a career is a fragile one. It's very easy to be caught up in the feelings and emotions of those around you.

Oftentimes, I'm also guessing, trying to see what someone's reaction is, like the director, or the crew on set. After seeing their expressions, I'll think about it, maybe too much. If I feel there is even a tiny bit of negativity, I will keep thinking about it, and eventually overthink it.
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SOMEONE WHO IS FORCED TO GROW UP

The character I play in Nirvana in Fire 2 is called Xiao Pingjing. He is the type of person that I hope to become.

Xiao Pingjing is someone who was forced to grow up. Whether or not it was his fault, if something happened close to him, even if he was forced to take up the burdens, he'd find a way to accept it, to carry the load on his shoulders.

He wasn't someone who would blame everyone else, nor was he someone who'd cry to the heavens for being unfair. Nor would he give up and abandon himself to despair.

When Xiao Pingjing's brother passed away, he forced himself to take over his brother's role: protecting their family, guarding their country. He also accepted that palace politics led to his father's death, and did everything he could to resolve the remaining issues after his father's passing.

In the drama, there was another character who faced a similar environment, who had a similar background. When faced with the question, "You've done everything for the royal family and court, but they don't believe you", Xiao Pingjing chose to accept the court's punishment, while the other decided to walk a completely different path.

When Xiao Pingjing first took on all the responsibility, it wasn't just out of guilt. It was also because of the people around him. It was the people who were closest to him who gave him enough strength to go on. And it was also his family and homeland that gave him enough encouragement and energy to take everything on.

From an unpolished youth a young general who experienced life and death, who was forced by life to take on responsibilities that didn't belong to him - the most admiral part about Xiao Pingjing is his ability to endure.

Though he was forced to grow up, I think he definitely had moments where he felt misunderstood, where he was full of anger and hate. But he was still willing to accept the heavy weight that fate placed upon him, and stood up to protect everyone he cared about.
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YOUNG GENERAL

During the filming of Nirvana In Fire 2, the parts that left the biggest impression on me were the scenes with teacher Sun Chun. In the drama, he plays Xiao Pingjing's father, Xiao Tingsheng, and is a powerful lord in court. The scene that I remember the most is one that was an important turning point in the drama.

The background for the scene was that the previous emperor had just passed away, and before his death, had asked Xiao Tingsheng, who was like a brother to him, to help and support the young teenaged emperor. So Xiao Tingsheng's role was a powerful one - and thus, meant that the Xiao family, including Xiao Pingjing, were easily seen as threats in the political battle.

When Xiao Pingjing went to protect the Northern Borders, the mystical and mysterious Langya Hall sent him a message, with the date of when a solar eclipse would take place. This was also when an enemy kingdom unleashed an army of 200,000, to attack the Liang Dynasty while they were still in mourning.

In historical times, people very much believed in "signs from the heavens", and solar eclipses were seen as a sign of misfortune. After dwelling on it for a day, Xiao Pingjing decided to use the solar eclipse to take the enemy's military force by surprise and force them to retreat.

That was a very important battle, because if the Liang Dynasty was able to delete the enemy forces, the Northern borders would be secure for ten, maybe even twenty years. Xiao Pingjing's thoughts were very simple - he just wanted to force the enemy to retreat.

But to those in the royal court, using military force during the period of mourning was forbidden. Xiao Pingjing was someone who would never think of the royal court, nor would he participate in the politics that took place there. But his father, Xiao Tingsheng, was caught between the period of mourning in court and warfare.

Xiao Tingsheng was very aware on the consequences - he knew the price the Xiao family would have to pay after the battle. But if the battle didn't take place, the entire kingdom would have to pay a even bigger price. Stuck between the conflicts of family, country, and the world, Xiao Pingjing ultimately took to the battlefield, with his father's encouragement.

It was still seen as the direct disobedience of an order, so after the war, the royal court ordered him to be taken back to the Capital for his punishment. The situation was very interesting then - he himself had also planned to back, with the thought that "you don't need to force me, I will definitely go back".

This would also be the first time he went home in over a year. He hadn't seen his father since his brother passed away, and he wanted to see him.

When Xiao Pingjing headed home to see his father, it was the turning point in the character's growth. In the beginning, when he first left home, he was a youth who decided to take the on the responsibilities of his older brothers. He forced himself to use his own methods to solve the problem.

But when he came home, he was a young general who had seen life and death. He was a commander who had participated in war. He was mature, steady, and started to have shadows of his brother in him. But really, he was desperately trying to become his brother, to be as mature and dependable as he was.

When Xiao Pingjing came home, he knelt in front of his father to greet him. He didn't speak, as he knew he had make a mistake. But his father said to him, "My good child, get up. Father is proud of you." That was the situation and dialogue at that time, and it was when we got to this scene that I suddenly started crying. The pressure in my heart felt like it was suffocating me.

We filmed that scene in the afternoon. During lunch, when I was looking over the script, teacher Sun Chun stopped by and said, "Haoran, what do you think you're (your character) feeling in the scene that we'll be filming this afternoon?" I said a lot, including how much I missed my father, how guilty I felt for messing up.

But teacher Sun Chun said, "Your explanation is too long. If you were to use two words to describe your emotions in this scene, what would it be?" I actually had thought about it before, but never said it out loud. Finally, I said with a bit of uncertainty, "Pitiful."

Teacher Sun Chun then said, that's what he was thinking as well. He then went on to say that he felt very few young people would be able to come to this understanding of the character, and praised me a lot, to the point where I felt rather embarrassed.*

*T/N: Adding for context, this is what Sun Chun said about Haoran in other interviews when NIF2 was airing: Liu Hao Ran is very intelligent. In my scenes with him, he is able to catch the important points. This child has a great understanding of the character that he is playing. There was a scene where I watched him walk towards me from far away and my tears just naturally fell. In that moment, I suddenly felt that this child has grown up.