Valentina

Chapter 23

Somewhere on the Balearic Sea, Spain – spring/summer 2020

Saturday 01:15am

The first thing Isabella and I did as soon as we saw the open bar was get two gin and tonics. We sat down on two of the lounge chairs on the lower deck. They were facing the sea we're leaving behind, so we watched the sun setting over the horizon.

We didn't realize how long we had been talking until they announced the cake.

By the time we're at our fourth G&Ts, it's already dark.

"Have you noticed that all the girls here besides the two of us are drooling over Matteo?" She asks, a mean streak in her voice.

"I have, actually."

Gossiping with Isabella is different from doing it with Raisa. With Isabella it feels as if we're discussing something; with Raisa it feels more like talking behind someone's back.

"I bet you fifty right now that as soon as Ariana comes back to Hamilton, she'll be all over him."

"Who? Vinnie or Matteo?"

"Matteo, of course. Why would you say Vinnie?"

"I don't know. I just thought she'd flirted with him before. Wasn't that why Sofia called the police at New Year's?" I ask her, remembering our conversations about their NYE party.

"Yeah, you're right. But I think she's changed her mind the since last time you saw her. Vinnie isn't even interested anyway; he's still crying about Sofia missing his birthday."

"Has she ever missed one before?"

"Not since they were fifteen, no."

"Well, six years with someone is a lot. I think he just needs time to get over her. Her not being here might be the best for everyone."

I look up at the stars that have appeared since we first sat down. I take a deep breath and the salty air tickles my nose.

"I'm tipsy." I let her know, smiling.

She throws me a smirk, but her face falls and becomes serious, looking at something to her right. I turn my head to see Allison approaching us, sporting a very fake smile.

"Have you seen Matteo?" She asks Isabella.

"No, I haven't." Isabella replies with her resting bitch face. Something about the way she's looking at Allison makes me laugh. I bite my lip when Allison throws me a piercing look.

"What's so funny to you?" Her tone is aggressive as the completely turns to face me.

"Her face." I explain, not even lying.

Allison looks me up and down before holding her head up and leaving.

"She's mean." I say, unable to hold my laughter in anymore.

"She's frustrated, is what she is."

I look on the upper deck, where Pia and a guy I've never seen before are making out against the railing.

"Do you think Pia is also frustrated?"

"What? Why would she be?"

I shrug. "I don't know. I feel like every time we interact there's a...vibe. Like apathy, towards me."

Isabella frowns for a second, thinking about it. Her features relax as realization crosses her face.

"I know which interactions you mean, from yesterday. But yeah, makes sense."

"What does she have against me?" I ask.

When Matteo had commented on it, I told him that whatever it is, it has nothing to do with me. But when I noticed her throwing me ugly looks from across the plane earlier, I got the feeling that it is in fact personal.

"Well, she has a crush on Matteo."

I'm surprised by her response. I don't even know where to begin; I want to know why Isabella thinks Pia has a crush and what it has to do with me.

"What does it have to do with me?" I decide on asking.

"He's attracted to you. That's why she's in a bad mood every time you're around. She's usually okay."

"What?"

I swallow as I think about my dream. Up until last night I didn't even think of Matteo as someone I'd be subjectively attracted to. I feel as if the thought of seeing him as a guy I'd be attracted to had been pushed back deep into my subconscious the moment he looked at me with superiority a year ago. I'd asked him to hold the plate up for me and he gave me a look that rubbed me the wrong way.

It seems that for the past twenty-four hours, those deep parts of my subconscious are unwillingly pouring into my reality.

"He's attracted to you." Isabella repeats, like it should be obvious.

"He's not."

"Why wouldn't he be? It's no secret that you have those good Russian genes."

I smile. "Okay, but still."

"Honestly? I don't think he knows it either." She says looking towards the second deck, probably searching for him.

"Then why do you say that?"

My mind needs to talk it out so I can put the idea of Attractive Matteo to rest. Not to rest. To death. He's good looking, sure. But so are most of the guys I know.

The only difference is that there's something about Matteo that sets him apart from everyone else in my head. That's why I never even went there in the first place.

There's something alluring about him, a magnetic energy. Everything he does is for his own pleasure, yet there's a certain darkness to him that seems to follow him everywhere he goes. His eyes are warm, genuine, but he always looks like they're hiding something behind them. He's holding something back, there's something he doesn't allow the world to know. Something that scares him, which makes me want to know.

"The way he looks at you? I feel like he's always looking at you."

"He's not."

She shrugs. "Maybe not always. But often. I saw it earlier when you went to get our drinks. All those girls were talking to him, trying to get his attention. You just walked past, got our drinks, came back. He followed you with his eyes the whole time, and those girls saw it. We can feel when the guy we like doesn't like us back."

There's a sadness in her voice, so focus on her instead of my own inner freak-out session.

"You don't know if Vinnie likes you back though." I try, sipping on my drink.

"If he did, we would've been together by now."

"You like him, and you haven't said anything. Maybe he's doing the same."

"Yes, because I don't want to ruin our friendship."

"Have you ever thought he might think the same?"

She shakes her head like it's a foreign concept to her; a concept she's not willing to consider as being possible.

I give up on trying to be sensitive. "Then get over him."

"What?"

"Get over him. Move on. If you're so sure it's completely impossible, move on. You keep telling me I need to have sex with random guys, but you haven't gone out with one guy since I've known you." I bluntly tell her, then finish my drink in one go.

I know she's not a virgin, but she never talks about any guys, ever. Ever since she told me about Vinnie, she sometimes talks about him. Other than that, no one.

"I'm just not interested in them. No one's...I don't know. No one interests me."

"Besides him."

"Besides him." She agrees.

"Why haven't you given up then?"

She looks confused, but I don't ask again.

"I don't know."

"Yes you do. And I know it's not because you're delusional."

She sighs, her shoulders slouching. "Sometimes I feel like there's a look in his eyes."

"What look?"

"Like...like he wants it too."

I lick my lips. "Next time just kiss him."

"It's not that simple."

"But what if it is? What if it is that simple? Are you going to wait until you're both eighty and single to kiss, only to realize that you could've done in sooner?"

"No, he- I've grown up with Vinnie and Matteo by my side. I've seen their whole lives – they like making the first step. If they want something they get it. They're not-they don't get shy; they don't get nervous."

"Everybody does. You just have to pay attention."

"I know what you're saying, but I know them, sometimes even better than they know themselves. That's how I can tell you Matteo is attracted to you, without him realizing it maybe, and why I know Vinnie isn't in love with me."

"Okay, let's say he's not in love. But he does love you, and I'm sure he's thought about it too."

She doesn't seem convinced.

"Let me put it this way. Is your relationship to Vinnie different to the one with Matteo?"

"Of course it is, I have a major crush on Vinnie. Matteo is just...Matteo."

"That's not what I meant – do they behave differently with you? Do they treat you differently?"

She shrugs. "I don't know, I've never paid attention to how he treats me."

I frown at her. "Maybe you should. I will too. Then we can say for sure if you need to move on or not."

She smiles, agreeing. Then she downs her drink and stands up.

"Who wants to play a drinking gaaaame?" She screams from the top of her lungs out into the sky.

I laugh, completely forgetting about the whole Matteo thing for a moment.

When fragments of my dream start coming back into my conscious mind, I am glad Isabella had the idea. A drinking game is exactly what I need.

***

Everyone joins us on the lower deck around a table we took from inside. Aurora and all of the people (besides Isaac's friend who is also Pia's hook-up) I don't know have gone to sleep.

I watch Pia and the guy kissing as they sit next to each other, and for a second I wish I were her. I miss...I don't know. Liking someone. The act of kissing. I feel like I've been deprived of everything since we were put into lockdown. Not that I was too active before.

I look over at Isaac next to them, engrossed in his phone. He tried making conversation throughout the night, but I mostly spent it talking to Isabella in our own little bubble. I don't know if he's just not interested anymore or if he feels that I'm not really interested anymore, but he stopped trying to make an effort. In a weird way, I'm glad. The only reason I miss it is because I liked flirting and feeling wanted.

My eyes catch Matteo's stare, and I wonder if he knows Pia likes him. He must know, he's smart and self-centred.

I smile to myself.

Isabella proceeds to explain the rules of the game, and we play it for a while until people get bored and stop paying attention. I tell Isabella to buy the expansion of the game because the other levels look interesting and it only costs $5.

"Isabella, who do you think gets more hammered at parties? Vinnie or Matteo?"

Everyone laughs as Isabella looks between the two of them. I look over at Matteo, who seems to be having an inner conflict. He's probably trying to convince himself he's not as drunk and high as he actually is.

"Vinnie, give out a drink for as many guys there are in the group."

Even though there are seven boys, he tells us six girls to drink. We happily obey, cheering at the fact that we're women. I find it funny how Allison and Raisa clearly don't like each other yet they sit together pretending to be friends.

"Matteo has to kiss the youngest player here." Isabella reads, her head snapping up in my direction.

A feeling settles in my stomach that I've never felt it before.

Yes I have. It was today in the car; I remember it vividly. I know I'm younger than Raisa, and the thought of kissing Matteo amplifies the feeling every time I think about it.

"Matteo? You must kiss the youngest player here."

Matteo coughs. "Who's younger than me?" He asks.

"When are you born?" Raisa asks, pretending not to know she's younger.

"July seventh. 1999."

"You're a Cancer?"

I smirk. "You don't act like one."

"So, who's younger than him?" Isabella asks.

"I'm younger." Raisa concludes. "I'm in June 2000."

"Anyone else?" Isabella asks, and subtly looks in my direction.

My throat feels dry as I speak up. "I'm July 22nd."

I chew on my bottom lip as I zone out for a moment. I suddenly have trouble breathing and all I can think about is I don't want it to happen.

Not like this, a voice in my head whispers.

I realize that I'm chewing on my lip to the point that it starts to hurt.

"We're close enough."

I look up just in time to see Raisa kissing him. His eyes are open and it's clear he's uncomfortable. The sight of him kissing another girl triggers something in me that I can't describe. I know he sleeps around, I've heard stories, gossip, even details of his sexual drive and preferences from Raisa. But I've never seen him kiss anyone.

It doesn't bother me. On the contrary, it makes my drunk mind wonder what would've happened if it had been me.

How would it feel?

I feel like I already know

"I'm in April 2001, so you should've kissed me you idiot!" Marco yells from his seat, and everybody laughs.

I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, like the air is breathable again.

"Alright, this one's good. We must go clockwise, saying one thing we have never done. Those who have done it have to drink. Matteo starts."

"It's Never Have I Ever." Ariana explains when Matteo doesn't start.

He sits up in his chair, and I find myself following the way his muscles flex as he does so.

"I know that game, okay. Never have I ever...never have I ever had to make coffee for myself in someone else's house."

I immediately look at him and scrunch my nose to feign disapproval, but I must give it to him- he played fair. I flip him off as I take a large sip of my drink.

"My turn. Never have I ever been arrested." Raisa says, and I nearly face-palm myself.

Marco, Vinnie, Eddie, Matteo, and Isaac drink.

Seeing Isaac drink makes me forget how embarrassed I am for Raisa. "When have you been arrested?" I ask.

"I got into a fight when I was in Moscow."

"What happened?" Raisa asks, leaning over Matteo. She touches his thigh as she does so and he smiles. I look away.

It's Allison's turn. "Never have I ever had sex with someone in this game."

Isaac and I drink, as well as Matteo, Raisa, Pia and her friend. Marco and Eddie look at each other subtly, then around the group. My instinct says they're being shady, but I can't tell why.

"I guess I'm not the only one then."

I look at Allison, whose words come out with hatred, pointed at Matteo. Raisa turns to stare at her and make a disgusted face. But Allison is looking at me, like I'm the one responsible for it.

"Never have I ever had a dream about someone here." Ariana says, trying to ease the tension.

My eyes involuntarily trail to Matteo.

I remember him being close, his breath on my neck as he closed the distance between us. In my flashbacks I forget the gun I was holding to his chest. Remembering it somehow makes me feel at ease because I'm reminded of what it was – just a dream. I've dreamt of boys I know before. I've dreamt of having sex with Vinnie when I was younger. Now I can't remember anything other than it was in a room painted red.

Listen to your dreams. Pandora's voice echoes in my head as if she's right next to me, saying those words.

This was just another dream I had because I haven't spent that much time in one place with a guy in months. With anyone really, since the pandemic has become a thing. It's normal. There is no premonition or message in the dream. Maybe just one: I'm horny and desperate. And right now, drunk.

Something in my reality catches my attention and I realize it's Matteo squinting at me. His eyes tell me he's mocking my concentration as I look straight through him. A rush of panic goes through me.

I avert my eyes, wondering if he can read my exact thoughts. He looks at me like he knows exactly what I'm thinking about. I am very aware of him still watching me as I fumble with the rim of my glass.

Maybe this is what Isabella meant when she said he's always looking at me. But I'm also always looking at him – it's just our thing. It's not because we're attracted to each other, but because we can communicate without words.

We've done it in university before, we've done it at parties before – mostly when someone said something stupid or something that we thought was so unfunny it was funny. But it was never for any other reason than satirical amusement. Neither of us have mentioned it – we don't have to.

I'm drunk.

I feel angry at myself for letting him think I'm shying away from one of his confrontations. Just because I had a random dream, and a Romanian witch told me to listen to my dreams? I need to remember who I am.

"Never have I ever had sex in the sea."

Everyone drinks expect for me.

"You've never done it?" Isabella asks me, genuinely shocked.

"No. Is it even enjoyable with all the water?"

"The water lessens the feeling, yes." Matteo answers.

"Never have I ever jumped in a fountain." Isabella shouts, laughing.

Memories of that night come back. My heart fills with joy as I remember being in that fountain with Aurora and Matteo. We make eye contact again, and this time I smile at him. His eyes smile back but I break the eye contact as we both take a sip.

I see Raisa looking at our interaction before turning her head to Matteo and pursing her lips, asking for a kiss.

I feel mortified for her, I don't know why. Maybe it's because I know how Matteo feels about her and how it looks to everyone here. I feel bad about judging her, but then I see the way Matteo looks at her, and he looks as horrified as me.

"Never have I ever felt infinite." I say without even thinking.

Matteo turns his head, and I know he's back in that fountain looking at the stars. I saw the moment he felt infinite, how happy it made him even if only for a few seconds. I also know he considers it a moment of weakness, and I want him to know I know.

I look him in the eye as we both raise our glasses to our mouths. He's already looking at me, but this time I don't break eye contact.

The feeling starts pulsing through my whole body and I suddenly realize why the dream had such a huge impact on me. It's because of how I remember feeling. It was adrenaline, mixed with fear and something else.

Craving. Wanting. I remember wanting him so much, wanting him to kiss me, to touch me, to do anything.

"Never have I ever gotten a tattoo." Isaac says, pulling me back to reality.

I drink but don't see who does because I'm too focused on staring at the floor.

"Never have I ever been in love." Pia's hook-up says.

I don't drink, and I don't even have to think about it. I see some people drinking, and then suddenly, Allison stands up.

I see her glass flying in Matteo's direction, drink spilling all over his shirt. My heart stops, thinking it's going to hit him in the head and knock him out, but he catches it so fast it scares me.

There was a certain precision, a certain skill to how aware he was, even in his drunken state. He saw the incoming danger and his body reacted before my mind could even understand.

How?

I watch Allison march away in the direction of the stairs, still shocked by the sudden act of violence from her.

"What a drama queen." Isabella comments, shaking her head.

"Never have I ever cheated on someone." Pia chimes in.

"Allison should've drunk."

A few people laugh but no one drinks, so it's Aleksi's turn.

"Never have I ever stolen money from my parents."

Everyone drinks. Everyone but Matteo and me.

"Wait, you two never stolen money from your parents' wallets? Not even a coin?!"

We shake our heads.

"For some reason, I just can't steal from my dad." I say.

My relationship with my dad is a loving one. Sort of. I know he loves me; I know he cares for me, and I know he's a very loving husband and father. He's just not the emotional, affectionate type. He raised us to be respectful, always tell the truth, and most importantly, to always be fair.

The reason I wouldn't steal from him is not because he would scream or ground me or whatever – I've never seen him get upset in his life. Raise his voice? Maybe. But never for no reason.

No, his disappointment and disapproval would be more damaging to my mental health, and no money is worth that feeling I get when I know I've let him down. I'd rather ask him for it directly. He rarely says no anyway.

"Let's do a line." Matte suddenly says to the group and stands up.

I think it's a great idea, but I stay silent.

"It's my turn, still." Vinnie objects while taking out the drugs.

"Go ahead, then. Someone turn the music up!"

"Never have I ever wanted to do something I might regret while drunk." Vinnie says and reaches for a plate.

Everyone drinks; not because they're paying attention, but because they want to do lines and Allison killed the mood.

Once the second line is down my throat, my dream has been pushed out of my mind and I don't care anymore.

I smile and ask Isabella whether she'd like to get refills.

"As if you don't already know the answer." She answers and gets up from the chair, linking her arm through mine.

***

Saturday 5:25am

I'm watching the buildings of Barcelona moving closer and closer while the sun slowly warms by back. I look at the tall buildings in front of me, suddenly feeling insignificant and at the same time the most powerful being on earth. Like everything is possible in this moment.

I think about my time in Sicily and how it's coming to an end, and I wonder if I'll feel different once I'm back in Moscow. Is there a way to make life exciting while I'm locked up in my room and people are dying outside? How can I not think about how the world seems to be going to shit and at the same looks as if it might be getting better?

I think about the game, and how I mostly drank, but there were some things said that I have never done. Didn't I tell Matteo that life can't be boring if you do something new every day?

I've never been arrested - nor am I planning to. I've never cheated on someone, I've never stolen money from my parents. These aren't things I want to do anyway. But I've never had sex in the sea, and I've never been in love. These are things I want to do.

I get the impulse to make a list about things I've never done and start doing them. Then I remember what I had said I'd never done.

Had I ever felt infinite? Did I even drink? I can't remember. I only know Matteo has.

I turn around to look for him, but he's already walking towards me with a childish grin on his face. I get a weird sense of déjà vu, like I've seen this before, like I've known him all my life.

"What are you doing?"

My heart starts beating faster and I'm not sure if it's because of all the cocaine I did with Isabella or if it's something else.

"Thinking." I answer.

"About?"

"About the how to make life exciting theory."

We look at each other, my eyes looking for the meaning in his. His pupils are so big his eyes are nearly black, but there's that light in his eye that's always there.

"Did you come to any conclusions?"

"Yes. It's basically doing something you have never done before, every day. It's the game we just played. How could life be boring then?"

He smiles down at me.

"Maybe you're right."

We stand watching the city in comfortable silence for a while. As the yacht pulls into the port and the engine stops, I look at the water below. I suddenly feel the urge to jump.

The sun is warm on my back and for some reason I feel hotter than I should. "Never have I ever jumped overboard fully clothed." I say.

He just stares at me, confused for a second. He understands. Then, without saying anything else, he takes a few steps back and run towards the railing. He uses his hands to jump over it, and I watch him fall from the first upper deck into the water.

He comes back dripping wet with his hair pushed back out of his face. He's grinning from ear to ear, looking very proud of himself. His face is boyish and he looks three years younger now, out of breath but happy.

"Never have I ever done a line on the highest deck of a yacht."

The moment he says it I feel a switch turn on in my brain.

The feeling returns in my stomach and there's something else to it; it feels earthy, whole, incredible, because he said exactly what I wanted him to say without realising I wanted it.

I take a deep breath and my vision gets blurry. The feeling spreads through my body, takes over me, and then time stops.

***

Saturday 8:45am, Barcelona

He's telling me about how he tried escaping Raisa and Allison when Isabella suggested the drinking game.

He talks fast when he's on drugs.

I can still follow him though, and he appears to be able to keep up with how much I can talk, not minding it one bit and not looking bored. He looks like he's actually listening, only interrupting when he has something even better to add.

"I want to eat something because even though I'm not hungry, I can feel my stomach growling and I don't want to pass out."

He's leaning back on his palms like he did back in the fountain, legs stretched and open, face pointed to the sky.

"Where from?"

"I don't know? The first thing we can find."

He doesn't put up much of a fight, but he lets me know he's not hungry.

Saturday 9:20am, airport

"You're coming back to Moscow, right?" Raisa asks once everyone is on the runway. There are four different jets with four different destinations parked in front of us, ready to go any time.

I see Matteo looking at me, shirt unbuttoned and hair curling at the sides as it dries under the sun. I feel the sadness in his eyes, reflecting mine right back to me.

"I still have all my stuff in Palermo." I realize and can't help but smile. "I need to pick it up, I'll be back tomorrow."

She makes a face as if to say 'do whatever you want', then heads off towards the rest of the group going to Russia.

As I watch Matteo's back in front of me on the stairs, I decide I don't want to sleep until I'm on a plane back to Russia.

Saturday 10:35, somewhere above Spain

Everyone falls asleep as soon as we board the jet, so I'm left watching a downloaded episode of the Kardashians on Netflix. The gum I'm chewing to death is stale and I can't focus on anything.

I look in Matteo's direction. He's on his phone but he's looking at me.

I instantly understand that he's in the same situation as me. We smile at each other and for a second I feel stupid, but I don't care. I'm not scared of him judging me at all – I have nothing to prove to him, I don't care what he thinks of me. That small amount of power he had over me during the drinking game shook me to my core. It can't happen again.

"I don't need sleep."

Once again, he reads my mind.

"Me neither."

Valentina

Chapter 24

Saturday 1:23pm, Palermo

A black van with tinted windows is waiting for us when we land, and we drive Isabella home first.

"We'll talk." She tells me, then closes the van door with a bit too much force. She doesn't acknowledge anyone else.

"What's up her ass?" Eddie laughs from his seat in the third row next to a sleeping Marco.

"She just hasn't slept." I say, feeling the need to protect her even though I know that can't be it.

Saturday 2:02pm, Matteo's kitchen

"Coffee?" Matteo asks.

I watch Aurora disappear up the stairs, leaving the two of us alone in the cold hallway.

"Sure."

I lean against the island counter as I watch him start the process of making coffee.

"Aren't you hungry?" I ask, realizing he probably hasn't eaten since we had cake at midnight.

Matte presses the button on the machine after having place the pod in. "Obviously not."

We're wearing matching white XL linen shirts from the street vendor we found by the port. He knew Matteo because he greeted him by name, then offered us a change of clothes when he saw Matteo wet.

I find myself staring at his tattoos. My eyes trail down to his leg, where the two scales of justice are inked into his skin.

Giudice

"What does your name mean?" I ask. "Does it mean justice?"

Matteo looks up at this. "Judge. But it can also mean justice. Why?"

I point to the tattoo on his leg.

"The scales of justice." I say, remembering reading something about it. "Your brother has the same one."

"We got them together when I turned sixteen."

Saturday 3:12pm, Matteo's house

"I still can't get over this view. I'll miss this." I say, not really knowing if I meant just the view or something else.

"It's not like you don't go on vacation. Don't you go to Capo d'Orlando every summer?"

This surprises me, so I stop rolling the joint to look at his face.

He's leaning back against the wall of his house, but his head is turned to watch me at work. I find it harder and harder to look him in the eye. Maybe because there's always this look in them that makes me feel as naked as Pandora's did.

Like I can't hide anything because he's really listening and paying attention. I know he notices things normal people don't. I don't know why though.

"I do. How did you know?"

"Vinnie told me."

I don't ask why because it's irrelevant.

"I don't know if we will this year though, I hope so. I don't remember the last time I was excited about coming to Italy for the summer."

"What changed?"

The air feels thicker. Something in me that tells me we both know the answer.

I take the diplomatic approach. Not lying, just avoiding the truth. "I think being in lockdown for two months gave me a new perspective on life."

Hey, if politicians can do it, so can I.

"How so?"

I shrug. "I don't really know. Maybe I know myself better now. Also, I don't know if we will come here this year because of the pandemic. I hope we do."

"Are your parents stressed or what?"

"My mom, a little. My dad doesn't really care. I don't think he does. He's not in Moscow right now. Where are yours?"

I don't even know who Matteo's parents are. Are they even together? The house seems so big, bigger than mine, and yet I haven't seen anyone but the three of them. There's food on the table and everything is extremely clean, yet no one's here.

"My father is on a business trip, and my mother is at our vacation home in Taormina."

"Is it the house from last summer?"

"When you wore the red dress?"

My heartrate picks up. I didn't expect him to remember.

"Yes." I breathe. I need to focus on the joint.

Maybe doing drugs with him was a bad idea. My will to push back any attraction towards Matteo is nothing against the extra dopamine in my brain.

"Yes." He answers.

I forgot what I even asked.

Saturday 4:18pm, Matteo's balcony

"I think I know why I like this view." I say as we smoke the second joint. He rolled it this time, complaining that I took too long with the first one.

We turn to look at each other at the same time.

"How so?"

"I grew up in a two-bedroom apartment in Moscow. In one of those post-soviet era buildings, you know? It still has bullet holes in it, I see them every time I pass it."

His eyes grow wide, and he looks like a kid again.

"For real?"

I nod. "It's not that impressive, really. Life in Moscow seems more...grey."

"How is it here then?"

"Golden."

He nods and looks back at the sea. "I never thought I took it for granted until you came."

That makes me feel warm inside. I pass him the joint.

"Did you grow up here?" I ask him, referring to the house.

"No, in Palermo. Do you remember where we picked up Isabella?"

I squint. "Sort of."

"I used to live in the townhouse across from it."

"Wasn't there a restaurant? Where you parked."

He smiles at the fact that I remember. "Yes. That's our restaurant. But the building has three levels, and our house was there."

"Really?" I ask, excited. "That's so cool, that you have a restaurant."

"Yeah, I used to hang out there after school every day. Free food and I could do what I want."

"What did you do?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. I read, I drew, I played with toys or in the kitchen. With Vinnie. Did my homework...sometimes." He grins and looks down then back up at me.

"You look like a child." I tell him then. I can't help myself.

My phone buzzes on the table and I see it's 4:20.

"Four-twenty." He says, reading my mind once again, and passes me the joint.

Raisa: are you awake?

Valentina: yes

She calls me then, and I realize she's probably already in Russia. Time seems to have no meaning, and I feel like two seconds have passed since I was on the yacht.

"Who is it?" Matteo asks when he sees me roll my eyes.

"Raisa."

He groans then, and I get the instinct to tell him off, but I remember that I had just rolled my eyes at her.

I can't concentrate on what she's saying because Matteo is making faces when I silently threaten to turn the camera if he doesn't behave.

Raisa eventually gets annoyed and says she's going back to sleep.

"How do you know her?" He asks me after he's made sure she hung up.

"We grew up together, and our fathers grew up together. Her dad he...he died."

He nods, letting me know he knew that already. Raisa probably told him herself. I wonder how much she knows about him. Not from other people, but from his own mouth.

"They used to be business partners."

He's still nodding, but I can see his thoughts are somewhere else now.

"So, you're like Vinnie and I." He concludes after a while.

I light the burnt-out joint between my fingers.

"I don't think that's the best way to describe it. She feels more like...a cousin rather than a sister. I'd say Isabella is more like my Vinnie."

A look crosses his face when I mention their names. I don't open the subject.

Saturday 6:56pm, Matteo's balcony

The sun is setting over the sea as we do the second line since we landed. The wind blows some of it away but neither of us says anything.

"Nature wants some too." I say and he laughs at that, like it's the funniest thing he's ever heard.

"If you think about it, if drugs come from nature, they theoretically can't be that bad." He tells me.

"Coke doesn't come from nature. Coca leaves, maybe."

"I meant weed. Or mushrooms."

"I've never tried those."

"Never?" He asks, surprised.

"Do you think I'm some kind of drug connoisseur or something?" I joke before taking the cold coffee to my lips.

"No, but you're still awake and no one's ever stayed up with me this long. I assumed you know your way around parties and afters like I do."

"You don't go to sleep after parties?"

"Sometimes no. Depends on what I'm doing."

There's a sexual connotation to his words and I wonder if that's what he meant. His eyes tell me nothing.

"I've never stayed up this long, but I don't feel tired."

"That's the new thing you can do today then. Not sleep for a whole day." He says and grins at me. I don't tell him I've already officially done that.

"Yeah, never have I ever been awake for a whole day."

He raises the bottle of wine we've been sharing between us throughout the day and goes to take a sip.

"It's empty. Let's get another one."

Saturday 7:11pm, Matteo's kitchen

He goes into the wine cellar, and I wait for him in the kitchen, making us another round of coffee. I hear laughter coming from the garden, so I go over to the windows in the foyer. I see Aurora laughing as she lays on the grass with her phone to her ear.

I wonder if she's talking to Adrik.

I see someone cutting the roses a bit further away. When he turns his head, I squint.

Romeo?

He's our housekeeper/ house manager when we're in Italy and even when we're not, and he's been at our house for over five years now. I must be imagining things. They're wearing the same type of jacket, that's all.

"Got it."

"You have a nice garden." I say when I see Matteo emerging in the hallway from the door that leads to the cellar.

"Yes, our housekeepers do a good job."

"You have a gardener?"

"Not really. One of our house managers Romeo tends to them."

It is him! Should I say hi? The feeling in my stomach tells me no way.

I follow him up the stairs, but not without checking twice whether it's actually Romeo or not. At this point I don't even know what's real and what isn't.

Saturday 9:18pm, Matteo's balcony

"It seems easy, but I've been trying to think of ten things I've never done before. It's hard."

We're still outside and it's colder now. I'm wearing one of his jackets as we smoke cigarettes.

"Let's find ten together." He suggests, putting his cigarette out in the ashtray.

"That neither of us has done? That's going to be even harder."

"No, like you five and me five."

"Okay. I've never...had sex in the sea."

Matteo rolls his eyes. "That doesn't count. It has to be original."

He doesn't comment on the sex thing like I would expect a guy to, and my inner child feels safe with him now.

"Fine. Never have I ever skydived."

"Okay, that's a good one."

"Have you?"

"I have. I know a guy in Taormina."

"You know everyone on this island, don't you?"

He shrugs, and his eyes turn dark. "More like they know my father." He mutters.

"What?"

He coughs. "They know my father, not me."

I cock my head. "You don't seem so happy about it."

"Why would I be? I haven't done anything to deserve their respect or earn any favours."

"Most of the people I know brag about their fathers." I say before I can think.

Most people also don't think of respect and favours as currency.

My dad does.

"Yeah, well." He pauses. "Most fathers aren't like mine."

He doesn't say it in a superior tone, he says it like he wishes things were different.

"What does your tattoo mean?" I ask, getting the hint to change the subject.

He tells me that the scales on his calf mean justice, balance. I tell him I have the word 'balance' tattooed on my lower back. When he asks me to show it to him, I tell him I can't. I feel myself blushing, so I look down for a new cigarette.

"Okay, what about the other ones?" I ask, taking the attention off me.

He explains them to me quickly, like he doesn't want to get into them right now, so I don't ask further. The discussion about his father seems to have really bothered him.

"You tell me yours now. The one on your ankle?" He asks. "And on your back?"

I'm surprised he noticed.

"This is the moon." I say and hold out so he can see the tattoo. It's a small half-moon tattoo. "I got it to remind myself to always follow my intuition." I don't elaborate because his mood has shifted, but I still smile and try to look for any sign that I should leave.

He forgets to ask about the one on my back again, so I don't say anything.

Something has changed.

I try to ease the mood by going back to our list, and we make a game out of it: the first one to get to ten wins.

We give up half an hour later because we have too much to say and can't concentrate. We're also avoiding the fact that not coming up with things left to do with your life is sad. Bittersweet, in a fucked up way.

Sunday 00:01am, Matteo's balcony

We snorted the last line an hour ago, but at this point I don't feel like it has any effect on us anymore. I'm completely awake, feel great, and Matteo is back to being in a great mood.

"My father is hosting this thing tomorrow, and there are a lot of guests coming." He starts, playing with my lighter.

"Okay."

I get that feeling in my stomach again, but it's accompanied by dread. I know what this means: I need to leave.

He coughs, and it's the first time I see him looking uncomfortable in my presence. "We need the room, that's why. You are welcome- I mean, you could've stayed longer if things were different."

"I'll leave before the sun comes up."

"You'll take our jet, of course. I'm going to text the pilot now."

His fingers shake as he types out the text. A few minutes later he looks up from his phone.

"Okay, the jet is arranged. But it leaves at four thirty the latest – it has to fly to get my father and bring him back here before noon."

A wave of sadness washes over me, taking me by surprise. I try to hide behind my smile. He's too out of it to even notice anymore.

Sunday 01:11am, Matteo's balcony

"What are you thinking about?" I ask him when I notice that the silence is unusual.

"My birthday."

"What about it?"

He turns his head, and I can see the bags under his eyes in the dim light of the balcony. He looks tired, but content.

"I was thinking about what to do. I'm turning twenty-one. I can legally drink in the US."

"It's not like that has stopped you before."

"Yeah." He pauses. "Why did you say I'm not like a cancer?"

"Because you don't strike me as one."

"You don't strike me as one either."

"What do you know about astrology?" I ask him. It comes out more condescending rather than surprised. I didn't mean to.

"I've had other girls tell me that I'm not like a cancer man, whatever that means."

"No, I mean in general. Those things you read online tend to be sexist."

He raises an eyebrow. "Okay. Tell me then."

"I found this astrology book in a shop one day and I read about my sign, that's why I can tell you facts." I say and he laughs.

"Go ahead then. Tell me how they're supposed to be."

"Sympathetic. Gentle, kind."

"I'm not nice?"

"I didn't say that. I think you're nice, but you're not nice."

"Thanks." He sarcastically says, but I know he understands exactly what I mean. He's not nice, he's fair.

Balanced.

"We prize security above else." I add. "And I feel like that's not true for me. The feeling of knowing how my life will be like for the next fifty years is terrifying."

"Why? Do you already know how it's going to look like?"

"No, but I'm already out of things to do."

"That's a very pessimistic way to look at the future."

He's right.

"What else?" He asks, lighting another cigarette.

"I know we are ruled by the moon." I say, and we both look up at the moon.

"Does this have something to do with the tattoo?"

"Yes, it has a lot of meanings. And I find new ones sometimes."

We sit in silence for a while and I try to think of more things I read in that book.

"I know I read cancers have a difficult time trusting and have psychic abilities due to the moon."

He doesn't laugh like he did with Isabella.

"Also, we care what people think of us. Which I can't relate to."

"I don't believe that." He says.

"I don't care if you do." I retort and smiles, nodding, accepting that I won this round.

Sunday 01:56am, Matteo's balcony

I look at him as I say goodnight for the last time. A wave of nostalgia that I can't explain crashes into me, bringing every cell of my body to life. Every moment since I've stepped on this island has given me a weird feeling of melancholy mixed with...freedom.

It's like I knew I was going to love it here, but already regretted it ending.

When I'm back in my room, I spend what seems like hours staring at the ceiling, waiting for the moment I need to get up and go to the airport.

Sunday 04:49am, somewhere up in the clouds

Time doesn't feel real as I see the sun come up for a second time over the horizon, this time in the air, not in the water. It's different now, the feeling is replaced with dread and emptiness. A full day has passed since I've seen the sun come up the first time, but this time I'm alone on a plane back home.

Even the jet feels different now, like I've jumped timelines.

I close my eyes and eventually fall asleep in the eerie silence wearing heavy on my soul.

My life has been feeling like lucid dream, and everything before seems insignificant, like it happened in another dimension. A switch has been turned, and I can't find it so I can turn it back off.

What makes it painful is that I'm experiencing an emotion I've never felt before, and I can't make it go away if I can't logically understand it.

It was a day where time stood still. It didn't exist. And yet somehow, it's been forever etched into my soul.

----

I hope you enjoyed this chapter :) Chapter 13 will be up tomorrow!

Let me know what you think !

I will be finishing this story by the end of the month :D

xoxo,

Ronnie