Matteo

Chapter 21

Palermo, Sicily – May 29th, 2020

2pm

His father calls him as he's smoking a joint on his balcony, staring out at the sea with nothing on his mind. He remembers waking up two times before actually getting out of bed.

First time, it was Valentina saying his name that brought him back to reality. He was still semi-unconscious when he told her something he cannot remember now.

The second time, it was a pair of flip flops slapping against the ground that had stirred him awake. He couldn't fall asleep after that, so he got out of bed.

Isabella's idea of the girls going to see a psychic put him in a better mood. Their childlike excitement made him happy inside, like he was surrounded by people he could trust. That's why he allowed himself to make the occasional snarky remark. He decided that the two of them could hold their own against him.

The moment his father calls though, his good mood shatters. It's on their own private App, which means it's going to be a discussion that is not meant for anyone else's ears.

He places the joint in one of the cigarette-holders of the ashtray and swipes his finger across the screen.

"Hello?"

"I just got off the phone with the chief of police." He says, sounding tense.

A feeling settles in Matteo's stomach and doesn't leave.

"And?"

"I tell you to stay at home while the world is on lockdown, and you're going out swimming in a monumental fountain, drunk?"

He isn't yelling, but his voice is loud and stern. Matteo doesn't know what to say, so he says nothing.

"Say something, Matteo!"

"What do you want me to say? You're telling me to stay locked up in my room while people are dying outside, but you yourself don't do as you preach."

His father huffs on the other end, and Matteo hears him slam his fist on the desk in his office.

"Listen to me, Matteo Lorenzo Giudice. My father's name, my name, are your own name as well. Lorenzo Giudice did not build an empire and then die in vain protecting it for you to be swimming around in fountains with Russian whores."

The feeling in Matteo's stomach expands to his chest, his legs, turning into anger. His heart is beating faster now, and the waves below seem to be more aggressive.

"Nothing happened, they let us go. Why are you making a big deal out of nothing?"

"They let you go because they read your second and third name, not your first."

"What's your point?" Matteo asks, getting impatient. He knows what's coming, but he wants it done already. He knows he's about to be reminded of not doing enough.

"You haven't earned your place in the company that benefits from the privileges you abuse."

Matteo is way too high to register the gravity of his words. He's still angry about the 'Russian whore' comment. Like he hasn't noticed how his father turns his phone upside down sometimes when they're having dinner, or how he would smile then compose himself after catching himself falter?

But Matteo expected him to have affairs, it's not like they were uncommon, especially in their society. There was the Paulo Barone scandal, when he cheated on Vinnie's mom. Then there were Isabella's parents, who are now getting divorced after years of her father having numerous affairs.

Matteo has never heard his parents arguing about anything other than how absent his father was. No one ever implied there might be a mistress. If his mother noticed, she never said anything.

But Matteo noticed. Yet it wasn't a card he was ready to use against his father.

Sometimes it's better to be underestimated.

It's Valentina's voice that says this, so he coughs and comes back to the conversation.

"And what do you want me to do? Earn my place in the company? Is that what you're saying?"

His father would never call him just to scold him. He knows that time is the most priceless resource there is. Everyone has the same amount of it per day. Those with infinite amounts of money can buy it from those who can't afford to do the same.

"If you want to be respected by the police, you're going to have to do a lot more than collect shipments and drink at the club."

What he's trying to say is; if Matteo wanted to be more respected by his father and have his independence, he would have to get his hands dirty.

He'd hoped that driving around with a body in the trunk would be enough.

"Do you want me to kill someone? Is that it?"

"I never said that."

The feeling retreats to his stomach, and Matteo suddenly understands. His father thinks it's time for him to do the initiation ritual.

"You want me to do the initiation ritual."

"I want you to do whatever you want to do."

Matteo has always known, deep down, that this day would come. He just didn't expect it to be today. Their father explained the rules to him and Marco about five years ago, when they discovered the drug den in their garden.

He knew that all men born into the Giudice family didn't have to swear loyalty to a family they belonged to by blood. It was a given; loyalty was implied. That's how they were raised, that no matter what, family comes before everything else.

He doesn't want to do it because he doesn't want everything that comes with it: responsibility, guns, raids, corruption, blood, death. It's not because he thinks he can't handle it – if there's anyone who would be able to keep the family business going for generations, it's Matteo.

Marco is too soft sometimes. He prefers reading and playing video games. He's also too close to Eddie to not talk about what goes on in their family.

Aurora is out of the question. Not because she's a woman, but because she would be too overwhelmed by everything and is not a born leader.

Vinnie and Eddie would be second to Matteo, maybe. Paulo raised them to be athletic, they were both captains and excelled in their fields: Eddie on the ice rink, Vinnie on the football field. But they're too hot-headed, too physical, and less practical.

Matteo is a balance of both. His father knows it, and Matteo knows it too. He's smart but can also be barbaric if need be. He would never back down from a fight.

He knew it the moment he was dismissed from being a captain on their football team in middle school. He started out when he was little, when his father urged him to take up any sport, and like most Italian boys who were still raving about having won the world cup in 2006, he chose football.

A few years later at just thirteen years old, he was already playing at university level. A scout came from Torino, asking if he would be interested to play for the Juventus junior team. Matteo said yes, the scout said he'll be visiting him the next day, and Matteo excitedly told his father that same evening. But the scout never came.

His father consoled him, then urged him to take up another sport. When Matteo found out it had been his father's doing, he took up boxing. It was a good way to get out all the anger he had buried inside himself, directed towards his father.

Four years later, after having defeated everyone there was to defeat in any championship his coach could find, he quit. His father has never urged him to pick up a sport since then.

Matteo proved what needed to be proven to get him off his back. All that's left now is graduating from university. And apparently, being initiated into the Family.

"Matteo?"

He comes back to reality. His soul knows what the only choice is. He's always known his destiny, maybe even before he was born.

"I will do it." He hears a sharp intake of breath on the other end. His father is surprised. "But not this weekend. I'm going to Ibiza today."

"I will talk to you on Sunday. Have your guests leave by then."

Matteo feels angry again. His father hasn't said anything about Ibiza, because he knows. He knows everything, sees everything, always. And the only way to stop that from becoming his entire life is by becoming his father.

There's a bittersweet taste on his tongue, and as if his father could hear his thoughts, he speaks again.

"And before you ask yourself how I know you're going to Ibiza, think about who you called to help you. And ask yourself, who did he ask for the yacht, and the bus, and to keep police away? Those people that helped Marcus? Ask yourself who they work for. In our world, Matteo, you're merely an Associate."

An Associate - the lowest of the low.

In the organization's hierarchy, there were five levels of authority. There is his father, who is the head of everything and everyone. The king. His right-hand man, his Consigliere, was the only one with the authority to speak on his behalf. The second level is the underboss, who leads the Caporegimes, the captains. The fourth level under the captains are the soldiers, who usually carry out the day-to-day to-do list of the organization.

The lowest level are the associates, who are helpers because they asked for help or are getting paid for some type of work. That's what Matteo is. Running his club and collecting shipments is all he really does, and he's fine with it.

"I'll see you on Sunday at noon. Get some rest before we see each other."

In other words, don't do too many drugs because this is important.

The line goes dead.

Matteo stares out at the sea, wishing to forget the conversation that just took place. The sun is dimmer now, and there are clouds in the sky, announcing possible rain.

They carry a message.

There's no going back now.

***

Friday, 3:40pm

Isabella and Valentina have been gone for over three hours now, and Matteo has been driving himself insane thinking about the initiation ritual. He just wants a distraction, and this weekend is perfect for that. He wants to get the airport, get to Ibiza, get on that yacht, and get wasted. So wasted he parties through the whole day into Sunday, where he'll sleep for a few hours before his father will wake him up.

It feels as if Sunday is the day his old life ends and a new one starts.

He texts Isabella, tries calling her even, but she doesn't answer. He thinks about it for a minute, then texts Valentina as well.

His mind drifts off, wondering what a psychic might tell him if he ever went to one, just out of curiosity.

There's a knock on the door in his room. It's so faint he barely hears it.

"Come in!" He yells into the room. He sees Marco enter, still wearing his pyjama bottoms.

The phone buzzes in his hand, getting his attention.

By the time the girls are back it's past four and Matteo has to make himself a coffee to stay awake. It's hot and he just ate two portions of Carbonara made by Romeo. As soon as the girls' voices echo down the hall, Romeo says goodbye for the day and leaves.

He argues with Isabella for a few minutes, then asks Valentina about her future. She looks uncomfortable as she makes a joke about the answer.

Two hours later, after having taken a shower and smoked the remains of the joint, Matteo is ready and impatient.

He checks on Aurora first, who is only half dressed and texting on her phone. There's a smile on her face, which makes Matteo angry for some reason.

"Can you please get dressed so we can leave? You can be on your phone later."

"I already did my makeup; I just have to get dressed."

"A van is already picking up the Barone family. Be downstairs in ten."

She waves him off and annoys him even more, because she knows it pisses him off when she pretends not to care.

He goes to find Valentina next, hoping she's ready by now. He knocks on the door and opens it after she yells 'come in'. She's in the bathroom, already dressed and bent over the counter, face close to the mirror. She's wearing a black dress and matching heels, and Matteo's eyes dart over the back of her legs for a second. When he looks up, she's already looking at him with a look that tells him she saw him checking her out.

"Are you ready?"

"Five minutes."

Matteo throws his arms up, groaning. She's not ready either.

"Why can no woman in this house ever be ready on time?" He asks, voice loud and directed at the hallway so Aurora can hear him too.

"Take a chill pill, Matteo!" Comes her response.

Valentina laughs at that, her lips turning into a thin line when she sees that Matteo doesn't find it funny.

"We're going to be there on time, why are you so stressed?"

Her eyes are warm in the mirror, looking back at him with genuine kindness. She doesn't annoy him like Aurora does, because she's not doing it to spite him.

He turns around and leaves. Maybe if he's already by the door, everyone will just magically move faster. He just can't wait to get to the open bar on the yacht and drink his body weight in Vodka Red Bulls. Get the Initiation out of his mind.

Matteo goes down to the wine cellar and grabs a bottle, which he opens in the kitchen. He pours himself a glass. He hears a pair of heels upstairs heading for the staircase, so he downs the glass and goes to find a reusable cork in the drawers.

By the time Valentina's downstairs, he's already at the door, checking his watch for the tenth time.

"Are you okay?"

His heart starts beating faster. He feels exposed, like she knows the reason he's acting weird. Adrenaline rushes through his body.

She noticed.

Out of all the people who have been around him today, she's the one who noticed. Isabella, Marco, Romeo, Aurora, all of whom have known him since he was a child, didn't think he was acting strange. Valentina did.

"Yes, why?" He asks, composing himself after a few seconds of surprise.

"You're acting weird."

"I don't like being late." He says and runs a hand through his hair. There's a lot of nervous energy building up in his body.

She frowns, pursing her lips. "That's a lie."

"Aurora? Che diavolo are you doing?!" Matteo yells up the stairs, tearing his eyes away from Valentina.

Aurora appears on the stairs, still on her phone. "Chill, Matteo."

"Don't tell me to chill. You're being rude, everyone is waiting for you outside."

She doesn't even look like she cares what he's saying, so Matteo takes the phone out of her hand and holds it above her head.

"Give it back, Matteo!" She says, grabbing the air under the phone.

Matteo smirks, feeling a strange enjoyment in tormenting his sister a little bit more. She always does it to him first, and there's a part of Matteo that loves vengeance.

"What, you're talking to the secret boyfriend again?" He asks, knowing very well she'll be horrified.

Aurora's face flushes and she looks at Valentina for a moment, then back at Matteo.

"I'll scream." She threatens. He stops himself from laughing and goes over to the door, having had enough.

He opens it with such force it nearly slams into the wall. "Go and I'll give you your phone in the car."

"You're just like that!" Aurora says before she walks away.

She knows that comparing him to their father is one of the worst things she could say to him. If she hadn't used it so often, it might have had an effect on him now.

Matteo and Valentina look at each other before she grabs her bag and steps out first.

The ride to the airport is silent, and he knows they must wait for a few more people from the Ibiza group chat to land before they can depart.

He expects to see Allison climb on board with a few of Pia's friends from New York, and he also sees it coming when Raisa sits down in the empty seat next to him.

It's Vinnie's fault, really. He's the one who chose to sit in the row in front of him, hoping that Sofia might show up with Allison.

"Have you seen Sofia?" Vinnie asks Allison, who sits down next to him.

She shrugs, eyeing Matteo and Raisa.

Maybe having Raisa here would solve the Allison problem, Matteo thinks. Maybe she'll finally leave him alone willingly, decide to not be there for him anymore. Maybe then Matteo would be able to completely move on.

"I haven't talked to her since we went back home. From what I heard from her mother, she got really sick at the beginning."

"Is she okay now?" Vinnie asks, clearly worried.

"Honestly? I don't know. Her phone is off, and she hasn't been online since March."

"Haven't you talked to her mother?"

"No, I haven't. There's been a lockdown in New York too, I didn't think about her that much." Allison says in an accusatory tone. She's accusing Vinnie of accusing her of being a bad friend, maybe.

"Don't you think it's weird? What if something happened to her?"

"Like she died because she got sick?" Allison asks, and then looks back at Matteo.

He can tell by the look in her eyes that she is in fact worried about her friend. The feeling comes back in his stomach and doesn't leave until they land in Ibiza.

The yacht Marcus had arranged for them is way better than expected. It waits for them in Port Eivissa, with three different lounging areas that open right over the water. It has four different levels, five bedrooms, seven bathrooms, and enough space to host the twenty people that would be onboard, including the staff. Some of the guests are Pia's friends, some of them are Vinnie's friends, and Matteo knows them all (by face, not by name).

By the time he's up the steps and into the open bar area looking out into the sea, he's ready to drink. Aleksi is by his side with a reassuring smile, telling him without words that he has what Matteo wants.

I love this guy.

Matteo sees Ariana Milanesi looking at him with a smile on her face as she talks to Pia and Raisa, probably about her semester abroad in Amsterdam. Raisa is looking at him too, and so is Pia. Okay, they were talking about him then. Aleksi is pouring him a drink, and Matteo feels like he can trust him despite being Raisa's brother.

"Let's get drunk." He tells Aleksi, who smirks.

After all, these are the last thirty-six hours of his life where he can get away with being a careless teenager. Everything that comes after Sunday is a big unknown.

Matteo

Chapter 22

Saturday 1:30am

Matteo's next three hours are filled with Vodka Red Bulls, lines of cocaine done in the bathroom, and trying to escape both Raisa and Allison at the same time. Vinnie is nowhere to be seen, still upset about Sofia (maybe), and Isabella and Valentina have been talking on one of the lounge chairs since they've arrived.

Eventually, after they sing happy birthday at midnight and cut the cake, Raisa finds him alone smoking a cigarette on the deck. She leans against the railing and smiles up at him, her eyes filled with lust.

He feels like he needs to say something to fill the silence. He can't seem to remember what they ever had to talk about. Luckily, she takes over.

"I haven't seen you all night."

Matteo nods, feigning interest. "I've been around."

Over her shoulder, he can see Allison approaching them, and has no idea whether he should be relieved or panicking.

"I've been looking all over for you!" She tells him, bluntly ignoring Raisa. It speaks for Allison's superiority complex, which is one of the reasons Matteo broke up with her.

"What do you want?"

Both women seem surprised by his rude tone. His pulse is racing and he's looking for a way out. He can't handle this right now, not in this state.

They're sailing along a shoreline, which means they're next to Spain. Matteo knows they're on their way to Barcelona. The boat trip should last about 9 hours, and it should be arriving around 6am. From there, they would be taken to the airport and back to their countries at 9.

"Who wants to play a drinking game?" Isabella shouts from the lower deck.

A few shouts of approval come from all around the yacht, and fifteen minutes later everyone is down on the lower deck.

Matteo notices that Aurora is gone, as well as most of the people who came a long way and didn't do any drugs. They pull up some chairs in a circle and sit down, a table full of cups, bottles and ashtrays between them.

There's, Matteo, with Vinnie and Aleksi to his right. Pia and the guy she's been hooking up with are next to Aleksi, followed by Isaac, who's friends with the guy. Next to Isaac and right across from Matteo sits Valentina, legs crossed as she talks to Isabella.

How can they still find something to talk about?

He can spend hours just being in the same room with Vinnie without acknowledging each other.

Next to Isabella are Marco and Eddie, laughing at something only they could understand. Finally, next to Eddie are Ariana, Allison, and Raisa, with Raisa conveniently sitting next to him.

"There's this game called Picolo, it's an App on my phone. I put the names in, and it tells us what to do. I'll read and you just have to do as I say." Isabella explains.

Matteo is too drunk to understand any rules for any game, so being told what to do and when to drink is convenient.

They play the game for a few rounds, and people are entertained. The game gives them challenges such as 'the last one to stand up has to down their drink' or 'those who don't have blonde hair take a shot', but it gets boring pretty fast. Soon enough, people are asking for more interesting challenges.

Isabella buys the extension.

"Okay, there are different levels. The fourth one is a dirty one, so I'll leave that out." She half-jokes. Nobody complains, so she starts a different level of the game.

These are more daring, and it gets everyone's attention.

"Isabella." She reads her name out loud. "Who do you think gets more hammered at parties? Vinnie or Matteo?"

Everyone laughs as Isabella looks between the two of them. Obviously, she picks Matteo. He must drink two times. He can't argue though; he feels drunk and high at the same time, and he's convinced Vinnie is more sober than he is.

Matteo is sweating a little after dancing for a few hours, but he's feeling good now. The moon is high up in the clear sky and the cold breeze seems to sober him up.

"Vinnie, give out a drink for as many guys there are in the group."

There are six guys and six girls, so Vinnie tells the girls to drink.

Matteo looks around the room. As Isabella keeps reading the next challenges, he entertains himself in his head by pairing up everyone. He starts with Valentina and Isaac. Then Pia with her friend, Jared? Jason? Anyway. He doesn't even think about him and Raisa as he jumps to Isabella. Isabella with who? Maybe Vinnie? No way. He loses his track of thought by the time he tries pairing Raisa with anyone. He also realizes that there are seven boys, not six.

"Matteo?"

Everyone is looking at him, leaning back in his chair.

"You have to kiss the youngest player here."

Matteo coughs and thinks it's going to be Aurora, but then remembers she's not here.

"Who's younger than me?" he asks.

"When are you born?" Raisa asks, even though they both know she's in a year below him in school.

"July." He answers. "1999."

"You're a Cancer?" She asks, faking surprise.

Valentina chimes in. "You don't act like one."

All the girls Matteo has met who knew his birth date have told him the same thing. That he's not like a Cancer at all. When he asked them what that even means, they would explain: 'a romantic man', 'easily jealous and protective', 'sensitive'. And the worst one? 'Affectionate'. They always blamed him for not being affectionate enough.

"So, who's younger than him?" Isabella asks, eyes looking back down to her screen. She's getting impatient. So is Matteo.

"I'm younger." Raisa concludes. "I'm in June 2000."

"Anyone else?" Isabella asks.

"I'm July 22nd." Valentina answers.

Suddenly, the air around Matteo feels strained, like there's not enough oxygen for everyone. Their eyes meet and Valentina chews on her bottom lip, eyes wide as she looks through him again.

What is she thinking about when she's not here?

"We're close enough." Raisa nervously chuckles and before Matteo can ask what she means, his face is grabbed by a pair of sweaty hands. His eyes tear away from Valentina as his lips touch Raisa's. The kiss doesn't last long, but he pulls away too late anyway.

His eyes look for her again, book she's looking down at her drink now.

"I'm in April 2001, so you should've kissed me you idiot!" Marco yells from his seat, and everybody laughs, easing the tension.

"Alright, this one's good." Isabella says, getting everyone to quiet down. "We must go clockwise, saying one thing we have never done. Those who have done it have to drink. Matteo starts."

Matteo's confused for a second.

"It's Never Have I Ever." Ariana explains, seeing his face.

"I know that game, okay." He says, sitting up straight in his chair. "Never have I ever..."

His eyes trail off from the ground as he thinks of something he's never done. His mind is suddenly blank. He's always done everything he's ever wanted to do. Playing this game with these people will get them all drunk.

Matteo smirks. That's the point.

"Never have I ever had to make coffee for myself in someone else's house." He says, eyes flickering to Valentina.

She looks at him and scrunches her nose in disapproval, but her eyes are playful. She's the only one who drinks, flipping him off in the process.

"My turn." Raisa says, a little bit too eager. "Never have I ever been arrested."

The feeling in Matteo's stomach returns. It had disappeared the moment he did the first line with Aleksi in the bathroom.

Marco, Vinnie, Eddie, Isaac, and himself drink.

"When have you been arrested?" Valentina asks Isaac.

"I got into a fight when I was in Moscow." Is all Isaac says. Valentina doesn't press any further, as expected. Matteo can't help but think that Raisa would've wanted to know more. After all, she's the one who started the whole conversation.

"What happened?" Raisa asks, leaning over Matteo to get closer to Isaac.

Matteo can't help but smile. He's always right about people.

"Never have I ever had sex with someone in this game." Allison says, taking the attention away from Raisa.

Matteo, Raisa, Valentina, Isaac, Pia and her friend all drink. Matteo sees Eddie and Marco reaching for the cups but stopping. They fidget in their seats, looking around.

"I guess I'm not the only one then." Allison spits, getting his attention.

Raisa turns to look at her, and Matteo can't see the face she's making.

"Never have I ever had a dream about someone here." Ariana says, trying to ease the tension between the girls.

Valentina and Matteo make eye contact, and Matteo playfully squints at her. She averts her eyes and looks back at her lap. It's the first sign of insecurity she's ever shown in front of him. He leans forward, watching her still looking down. Her hands are playing with the glass, but she doesn't drink from it.

Who's acting weird now?

As if she had heard him, she looks up at him, eyes strange.

Allison, Raisa, and Vinnie drink, then it's Marco's turn.

"Never have I ever had sex in the sea."

Some people laugh, and everybody drinks.

"You've never done it?" Isabella asks Valentina, shocked. Valentina's drink is still resting in her lap, her fingers playing with the rim of the glass.

"No. Is it even enjoyable with all the water?"

Her back is straight again, and she doesn't look insecure anymore. Maybe Matteo's mind imagined it.

"The water lessens the feeling, yes." Matteo answers her.

She doesn't look at him to acknowledge his answer. She doesn't have to because Isabella is quick to take her turn.

"Never have I ever jumped in a fountain." Isabella shouts, laughing.

Matteo meets Valentina's eyes again, and she's changed. A small smile plays on her lips and her eyes are alive, daring, as if she knows he had noticed her moment of weakness.

He takes the cup up to his lips, and she does too, before looking away. He lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding and looks at Raisa. She has placed a hand on his leg, pursing her lips, asking for a kiss.

Matteo feels bad embarrassing her in front of everyone by not kissing her, but he also knows he won't kiss her out of pity. He hates everything about this.

"Never have I ever felt infinite." Valentina's voice comes from his right.

Matteo turns his head, and he's back in the fountain, leaning back against his palms, looking up at the sky.

He takes the cup up to his lips, and she does too, eyes meeting once again. This time, neither of them break eye contact.

The feeling in his stomach seems to have spread through his entire body, amplified by the dopamine in his brain. It doesn't feel bad anymore, like something's about to happen.

It feels like adrenaline. It feels like cocaine should feel.

He doesn't see who drinks, he also doesn't see if anyone noticed their...whatever it was.

"Never have I ever gotten a tattoo." Isaac says.

Matteo and his brother, as well as Vinnie, Eddie, and Valentina, drink.

He remembers the tattoo he saw on Valentina's ankle, as well as the one on her back. Matteo had never asked about them, but he suddenly feels the urge to know what they mean. He's sure they each must have a meaning.

"Never have I ever been in love." Pia's hookup says.

Allison, Raisa, and Isabella drink. Matteo debates for a second but doesn't end up drinking. Whatever that was with Allison, it wasn't love. It was something else. Comfort? Lust? Chemistry? He doesn't know.

Allison stands up from her seat and throws her drink in his direction. Everybody startles when Matteo catches the glass with his hand, saving his own head from being hit by a glass.

She doesn't say anything else as she marches up the stairs towards the bedrooms.

"What a drama queen." Isabella says, and Raisa agrees.

"Never have I ever cheated on someone." Pia says.

"Allison should've drunk." Vinnie adds and those who know their history laugh. She would always accuse Matteo of cheating on her, but in the end, it was her who cheated on him.

No one drinks, so it's Aleksi's turn.

"Never have I ever stolen money from my parents."

Everyone drinks. Everyone but Matteo and Valentina. Isabella notices this.

"Wait, you two never stolen money from your parents' wallets? Not even a coin!?"

They both shake their heads.

Matteo would never even think about stealing from his father. He would notice, and if he didn't, Matteo wouldn't be able to stand the guilt. It's just not something he would do. Stealing is not something he wants to be a part of. His mind goes to the dark place of initiation rituals and gang wars, so he downs his drink.

"For some reason, I just can't steal from my dad." Valentina says, and the world seems to stop for a moment.

Then he feels the drink he had just downed in his stomach not agreeing with his decision, so he stands up.

"Let's do a line." He says to everyone.

"It's my turn still." Vinnie objects, but he's already taking his baggie out, ready to lay out some lines for everyone.

"Go ahead, then." Matteo urges him, not sitting down. "Someone turn the music up!"

"Never have I ever wanted to do something I might regret while drunk." Vinnie says, reaching for a plate.

Matteo looks at Valentina for a second, before turning to Isabella. He catches her looking at Vinnie with a face full of regret, and the feeling returns to what it was.

It's not a bad feeling, it's not nerves. What is it?

It's just...knowing.

Instinct.

Vinnie racks up a plate full of white lines, enough for everyone to have seconds. It gets passed around, and Isabella continues the game, but people slowly start losing interest.

Matteo's not sure when it happens, but at some point, he reaches his peak. He passes that threshold, where the alcohol and drugs don't affect him anymore. He could drink his body weight in alcohol right now, and he would still feel sober. Everything is...great.

The last thing he remembers feeling real is watching the sun come up on the horizon as they sailed closer and closer to Barcelona.

***

Sunday, 9:30am

The first thing he sees when he wakes up are the open balcony doors. There's a breeze coming through from outside, making the curtains dance. His mind is cloudy, and then he slowly realizes it's Sunday, and that he's not on a yacht anymore.

That can't be.

He's sweating and feels completely empty inside for some reason, but he's not hungry. He looks out the window to the sea, and it all comes back.

It's as if a gate has been opened, and all the memories from what seems like a dream come crashing down on him.

Matteo remembers watching the sun come up over the horizon with Vinnie and Isabella, the last ones standing. Raisa had tried to stay awake but denied when he had offered her a line. Eventually, after seeing that Matteo wasn't going to invite her to bed, she went to sleep with Ariana. The rest of them also eventually went to sleep, saying they had to be up in time for the plane at 9.

He turned around and saw Valentina looking at the city they were slowly approaching. His impulse was to go over to her, so he did.

As if she heard him coming, she turned around. Matteo remembers her right cheek glowing in the sun. How her brown eyes reflected the sunshine as they followed him moving closer.

"What are you doing?" He asked, placing his hands on the railing. He looked out at the tall buildings of Barcelona in the distance, feeling small.

"Thinking." Valentina answered.

"About?"

"About the 'how to make life exciting' theory."

They looked at each other. Her pupils were huge, and she was rambling but smiling, eyes wide.

"Did you come to any conclusions?" He asked.

"Yes. It's basically doing something you have never done before every day. It's the game we just played. How could life be boring then?"

The light in her eyes showed hope, faith. They showed the child within her that he only ever saw in Aurora anymore.

"Maybe you're right."

They stood there in silence, and Matteo remembers feeling comfortable with her without having to talk.

The ship docked and eventually the engine stopped too.

"Never have I ever jumped overboard fully clothed." She said out of nowhere.

Matteo remembers the cold water against his skin after he jumped overboard, laughing as he did so. Valentina looked at him incredulously after he got back on the deck, dripping wet but proud of himself. He doesn't remember when Vinnie and Isabella disappeared.

"Never have I ever done a line on the highest deck of a yacht." Matteo said, and something in Valentina's eyes changed.

It wasn't hope, nor excitement, not even hesitation. The way her lashes fluttered softly as she breathed his words in, nostrils flaring, told him it was something else. His drunk mind thought, desire.

They talked nonsense as they watched the sun come up on the loungers of the top deck. When it was nearly time to go to the airport, Valentina insisted on getting something to eat – the only person Matteo has ever met who was hungry after doing coke. He indulged her and they made their escape before everyone started coming out of their rooms.

They took off running on a side street by the port, laughing because they were the first one to get off the boat.

They had stopped by a street vendor who was illegally operating despite the restrictions, where they got a change of clothes . They changed in an alley, and he remembers her smiling, hair pulled back by a handkerchief, wearing a linen shirt too big for her.

When Raisa asked her if she was coming back to Moscow, Matteo remembers feeling sad. But then Valentina explained that all her stuff was back in Palermo, so she would be leaving on Sunday.

That was the moment Matteo had decided not to go to sleep.

When they boarded the jet with the Barone kids, Isabella, and his siblings, the two of them were the only ones who didn't fall asleep within the first five minutes.

"I don't need sleep." Matteo explained after they'd been looking at each other across the aisle without saying anything, just chewing their gums and grinning.

I feel like I'm dreaming anyway, he thought but didn't say out loud.

"Me neither." She had answered, so they both stood up and went over to the bathroom to do another round of lines.

They talked about everything; about Valentina growing up in a post-soviet looking Moscow apartment building before her father's business took off and about Matteo spending his days at the restaurant when he was a kid. He leaves the murder part out, but it was still nice to reminisce with someone about those days.

He remembers the sun setting over the sea as they sat on his balcony, chain-smoking joints and listing things they'd never done. She had started it when they had first sat down with cups of coffee and a joint.

"It seems easy, but I've been trying to think of ten things I've never done before. It's hard."

They spent hours listing things they have never done, things they've done, things they wished they would have done. They talked about their tattoos, and Matteo regrets that he can't remember everything she had told him. He remembers the moon on her ankle, which meant following her intuition, always.

When it got dark and they had finished what was left, Matteo told her that his father wanted to have guests over tomorrow and they would need the room. He remembers her face falling a little but agreeing to leave before sunrise.

He arranged the plane for her with shaky fingers, then informed her the car would be waiting at four in the morning. There was not enough time to fly her to Moscow and also bring his father back to Palermo.

Valentina changed the subject by talking about them being the same zodiac sign, and they agreed that they didn't consider themselves cancers. They talked about astrology, the stars, the moon, and the sun. They talked until Matteo remembers her standing up and saying goodnight.

He looks at his room. Her laptop, which had been resting on the window seat for the past few days, is gone.

He walks outside with a cigarette between his lips and sits down in his usual spot, facing the sea. Her seat is empty, but her lighter is on the table.

He smokes as he stares out the sea, feeling like he has just shifted realities, yet everything looks the same. The four days he spent with her don't feel real. The last twenty-four hours seem like a parallel universe, something his mind just made up. Something he dreamt of.

Reality comes crashing down on him from all sides, and his brain is struggling to hang on to any trace of dopamine left in his body, to the memories of her.

It all seems fuzzy now.

Being with her felt like a fever dream.

because Matteo was dripping wet and Valentina was getting tired of walking around in heels and a dress.