Chapter 58

I badly wanted to smoke... but I couldn't.

Kasi paano kung buntis ako?

Fuck.

Was I being reckless all this time? Putting myself in danger? And this... unborn child? Paano kung buntis nga talaga ako? Ano ang gagawin ko? Do I just give up this case? But I didn't want to. This wasn't just about me—

'Yes, this isn't about you now... kung buntis ka.'

Fuck.

Who knew three minutes could feel like a lifetime?

Kanina pa ako naka-tayo sa harap ng sink. Nasa common CR ako sa lobby ng condo. Ni hindi ako maka-balik sa unit. What if buntis nga ako? What if makita ako ni Lui? I knew that he'd quickly figure out that something's wrong. I needed to figure things out first bago niya ako makita. I needed to know kung—

Fuck.

I felt like my heart dropped to my stomach when I saw two faint lines start to appear on the stick. I didn't want to believe what I was seeing... but then the other two sticks I bought showed me the same thing.

I kept on staring at the results... pero hindi ko alam kung bakit. I was staring at them like I was waiting for them to tell me how I should feel. Because all I could feel was this hollow pit in my stomach.

Should I feel happy?

I should... right? After all, it's Lui's.

I love him.

I loved him then and I still love him now—I've been loving him for a long time already that loving him is already ingrained in my being. I knew that I would love him for the rest of my life.

But I couldn't feel that happiness that I should be feeling.

Because I knew that this would change things.

I didn't know how long I'd been staring at the positive results nang biglang tumunog iyong cellphone ko. Halos tumalon iyong puso ko palabas ng dibdib ko... lalo na nang makita ko iyong pangalan ni Lui sa screen.

I drew a deep breath. I knew I should answer this. Mag-aalala siya kapag hindi ako sumagot—lalo pa ngayon na bigla na lang akong lumabas ng walang pasabi sa kanya. Hindi ko rin naman alam na magbabago pala ang buhay ko dahil lang naisipan kong lumabas ngayon.

But I couldn't bring myself to answer the call. I was afraid that my voice would shake the moment that I hear his voice and I hear him asking kung nasaan ako. Instead, I sent him a message saying na pabalik na rin ako.

I debated if I should just throw the tests away... but I didn't. Lui was right—we already spent years not communicating. We shouldn't do that again—especially now that apparently, we're having a child together.

I felt so bad.

I couldn't feel the happiness that I should be feeling.

* * *

Lui didn't even have to voice out his displeasure. Pagbukas ko pa lang ng pinto ay kita ko na agad iyong malalim na kunot sa noo niya. Why did he even wake up? Madaling araw pa rin. In his sleep, did he unconsciously reach for me at nagising siya nung maramdaman niya na wala ako? Or did he feel the weight that was weighing me heavy and that woke him up from his slumber?

"Where were you?" he asked.

"May binili lang."

Tumingin siya sa kamay ko na walang hawak. As if he was asking me kung nasaan ang binili ko. As if he was trying to catch me in a lie.

Tumingin ako sa kanya. Huminga ulit ako nang malalim. I should tell him this. I would tell him this. This is something that we should both decide on.

But I couldn't find the words to begin with. Instead, I reached in my pocket and I instantly felt the three positive pregnancy tests that I wrapped inside layers of tissue paper.

"I wanted to smoke kaya bumaba ako para bumili," I said as I began to tell him exactly what happened. "But then I saw condoms on the counter. And then I remembered that the first time we had sex again, we didn't use any," I continued. I saw how Lui was quickly realizing what I was trying to say. But I couldn't stop talking as if it was some defensive mechanism—or some way to try to rationalize and make me believe that this was really happening.

"Are you—" he stopped and then paused. "Are we—" He paused again like he was afraid that if he said the words out loud, they would make it come true.

I looked at him.

I nodded.

I watched every single change of expression on his face. I saw fear. I understood his fear. I shared his fear.

"I'm sorry. I should've been more careful," I told him. What was I even thinking? Alam ko na delikado iyong kaso na hawak namin. Alam ko na tuwing lalabas ako, nasa bingit ako ng kamatayan. What was I thinking when I had unprotected sex with Lui? And also did nothing after the fact? That was so irresponsible and reckless.

Lui was looking at me, the crease on his forehead just deepened even more. "What? Why are you apologizing?"

"Because now is not the time—"

"And I agree. The timing could be better, but don't apologize for it," he said, quickly cutting me off like he didn't even want to hear my apology.

Naka-tingin lang ako kay Lui.

It was like I was taken back to the time when we were together in Bali... When I trusted him and I let him lead and make the decisions. Because I knew that I could count on him and he'd never purposely do anything to hurt me.

Because when I look at him, I knew that he will do anything for me.

"What do you want to do?" I asked him.

"What do you want to do?" he asked back.

"I don't know."

"Do you want to keep the baby?" he asked.

"Do you?" I asked back.

Lui stared right into my eyes. "This is ultimately your decision, Tali. Don't ask me."

Mariin akong umiling. "I won't do this alone."

"When did I tell you that you'll do this alone?" he asked, his jaw slightly clenched with the allegation that he would abandon me. "Whatever you decide to do, I'll do it with you. But you decide on what you want to happen."

I felt my chest tightening. Why did I have to decide? Why did I have to be the selfish one kung gusto ko pa ring ituloy iyong kaso kahit alam ko na delikado? Why did I have to be the traitor if I decide to pull back despite promising that I'll seek justice for everyone who've been wronged?

Why was the burden on me?

"You decide," I told him.

Lui looked at me like he was trying to read my thoughts... but did he even have to try? "You want to keep the baby," he said. "But you also want to continue the case."

I pursed my lips together.

Because he was right.

I wanted it—I wanted them both.

I wanted to have this family with him, but I also wanted to give closure to the families that have been destroyed by that family. Hindi ba pwede na makuha ko iyong dalawa kong gusto?

I had to sit down. I sat on the couch. I hugged my knees close to my chest and laid my head on top of them. Naramdaman ko si Lui na naupo sa tabi ko.

"That's what you want, right?" he asked.

I didn't even have to answer. He's right—he knew me and what I wanted. With him, I didn't even need to say anything.

"We can do that," he said.

Agad na napa-tingin ako sa kanya. "Paano?"

"I'll need you to leave," he said.

"What? No!"

Agad na napa-tayo ako. Lui gently pulled me down again. He made me stay like he needed me to be there and to listen to whatever foolishness he has to say.

"Hindi ako aalis," I quickly told him.

"Tali—"

"I am not leaving. This is not up for discussion!"

Lui grabbed me by my shoulders and made me face him. His face was very calm opposite to the turmoil that was my mind. It was like, once again, he was forced to be calm because someone had to be calm between us.

"Tali," he called, his voice gentle. "You're pregnant," he said like I needed to be reminded.

And when he said that, it felt like it was only then did I finally realize that I am pregnant.

"This is not just about you anymore. If you can care this much about other people, imagine how destroyed you'd be if something happens to our baby," he continued as he held my hands and softly caressed his thumbs on the top of my hands.

I knew he was right, but I couldn't bring myself to agree with him. It felt like there was a lump on my throat and I was just willingly letting him talk for me. Kasi kilala niya ako. Kasi alam niya ang nasa isip ko. Kasi alam niya kung ano ang gusto ko.

"You'll leave and go be with your family," he said.

"Iiwan kita dito?" I asked and as I said the words, tears began to fall. And when they began to fall, they wouldn't stop falling.

Lui let go of my hands and cupped my face. There was a smile on his face as he wiped the tears desperately.

"Why are you crying like you won't see me again kapag umalis ka?" he asked. I hated that he was smiling. I hated it because I felt like he was just trying to make me feel better... Like he wanted to smile on front of me because this would be my last memory of him.

I hated this.

Why was it so hard to just be happy?

Why couldn't I just be selfish and choose to be happy?

I just kept on crying as I grabbed on to the hem of his shirt. I held on to it tightly like he would disappear if I ever let go.

"I'll win this case for you. I promised you that, remember?"

"You promised to stay alive, as well," I said as I struggled to breathe.

"That, too," he said as he pulled me close and wrapped me around his arms. I felt his hug. I felt it because he was hugging me so tight that he was probably afraid that I'd vanish.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

Weren't we supposed to be celebrating?

Why did it feel like the opposite?

"I'll find someone else to handle the case," he said as he was stroking my back.

"No one is as good as me," I told him.

I felt him laughing. "Of course," he replied. "No one is as good as you... whoever will replace you will have to step up the game," he continued as he kept on stroking my back until I felt myself falling asleep.

Lui probably thought that I was asleep.

I was.

"Hi," I heard him quietly say as I felt his hand on top of my stomach. I felt his eyes on me kahit naka-pikit ang mga mata ko. "Change of plans," he said to whoever he was talking to on the phone.  

**

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