Chapter 57

"I am good," I had to tell Lui. He was holding me tightly... like he knew for sure that I'd go attack Iñigo like some mad woman. I could—I definitely could. It would probably feel nice... but I would never do that. Nothing good would ever result from that.

'Trabaho lang,' I kept on reminding myself.

Besides, being a woman, they'd probably call me unstable kapag ginawa ko 'yon. I wouldn't give them any ammunition they could use against me.

Tahimik kaming naglakad palabas ng korte ni Lui. We were surrounded by our security, but for some reason, there was this nagging voice inside me... I kept on looking around. What was I even waiting for? Na hulihin si Lui ng mga pulis? Because of what? The questions Iñigo presented during the cross-examination?

Ramdam ko iyong panonood ni Lui sa akin habang nasa loob kami ng sasakyan. Naka-tingin lang ako sa mga tao sa labas. May mga media doon; may mga nagwewelga. This was the news of the month—or maybe I was just being too hopeful and generous. Baka sa isang linggo lang ay malimutan na rin nila 'to. Kasi may bago na namang balita.

Sometimes, I wish the general public's attention wasn't so fickle.

But I guess that's a way to cope.

Baka sabay-sabay tayong mamatay sa depression kung iisipin natin lahat ng problema at masamang mga bagay na nangyayari sa mundo.

Hanggang makarating kami sa condo ay wala pa ring nagsasalita. But I knew that Lui wanted to talk to me—or to at least say something... pero ramdam din niya na ayokong makipag-usap.

"Tali," he called when we were finally inside the unit.

I didn't ignore him—I just chose to walk towards the ref and get myself a glass of water. I needed a drink. Biglang nagbago ang isip ko at saka kumuha ako ng baso at inilabas iyong bote ng whiskey na naka-tago sa may cabinet. I tried to stop drinking—but it was probably stupid. The nature of my job and the stress that came with it was forcing me to drink.

"Gusto mo?" I asked Lui because he was still watching me.

"The cross went fine," he said as if he was reassuring me.

Instead of replying, I downed the glass of whiskey. Ramdam ko iyong init niya sa lalamunan ko. Only if the effect were instant. I needed to forget. Even for just a fucking minute. I needed to rest my mind because all the possibilities swirling inside my head was making my head spin.

"You did well," he said. He walked towards me. He got the glass from my hand that I didn't even realize I was gripping tightly. "You did great, Tali," he continued. His voice was so gentle like I was some fragile figurine that he needed to be gentle with.

"Can we please not, Lui?"

I knew I fucked up.

We both knew that this would happen, but as it was happening, only then did I feel the gravity of the situation.

Madadamay si Lui.

Idadamay nila si Lui.

And... I was letting him.

Was it worth it?

Getting what I wanted?

But losing who I needed?

"No," he said. "We already wasted a lot of time not talking—we're talking. Now. We're talking now."

I looked at him.

I felt my chest tightening.

I felt my eyes blurring.

He was here right in front of me, but it felt like I was slowly losing grip of him.

I saw the panic in his eyes as my vision of him started to blurry. I felt his hands cupping my face and once again wiping the tears that just stubbornly kept on falling.

"After this, they're gonna go after you," I said as the tears just kept on falling. "They'll try to pin this down on you, Lui. I know they'll do that."

Wasn't that the reason kung bakit ganoon ang mga tanong ni Iñigo? They knew that we had a strong case that's why they're trying to ruin Lui's credibility by forcing the assumption that he's just as criminally liable.

Hindi ako maka-hinga.

But it was like Lui could read my mind and told me to breathe.

"Why... aren't you scared?" I asked him. Why was he the one reassuring me? Kahit sa aming dalawa, siya iyong may tyansa na mapunta sa kulungan?

Did he just give up?

Did he just accept defeat?

Would he really go to jail just to give me what I wanted?

But I didn't want that.

I wanted him to be selfish.

I wanted him to stay free.

I fell in love with him regardless.

"Because we both can't be scared," he replied. He was staring into my eyes. He swiped the tear the fell. "Look, I know that you're scared, but you did well—"

"I didn't—"

"You did," he said, cutting me off. "Fifteen objections—nine of them were sustained."

Umiling ako. "Not enough."

"It was for me."

"Iñigo—"

"Is just doing his job," he said, cutting me off once more. "Let's think rationally now, hmm?" he continued. His hands were now on the both sides of my waist. "I am not on trial. Iñigo's questions were irrelevant—"

"No, they're not," mabilis na sagot ko. "You can be charged next!"

"We'll cross the bridge when we get there—"

"What? No!"

"Tali—"

I pushed him away. I grabbed the glass once again and poured myself another drink. I almost spilled everything dahil sa panginginig ng kamay ko. I kept on thinking about Lui being in jail... And if he's in jail, he'd sure—

No.

I didn't even want to go there.

I couldn't go there.

I'd completely lose my mind.

"Tali, it's done," sabi niya. "You need to examine Villamontes next—"

"Do you honestly think he'd agree to testify?" I sarcastically said. He knew damn well that I'd fucking bury him alive kapag naisipan niyang lumapit man lang sa witness stand.

"He will," Lui said. I looked at his face. He was serious.

"How did you know?"

"Because you and I both know that our case is strong—and at this point, it's got to be his word against ours."

Marahas akong umiling. "He'd lie even under oath," mabilis na sagot ko. "Do you honestly think that that animal is above perjuring himself?"

"If he did, then better for us. You've seen our annex. You can refute whatever lie he'd tell—bury him so deep na magsasama na sila ni Arthur."

Hindi pa rin ako nagsalita.

Muling lumapit sa akin si Lui.

"I'll be fine."

He said those words as he was standing right in front of me. Like he wanted me to hear the words and see him. That he's here... that he's still here.

But until when?

"Can you promise me that?" tanong ko sa kanya. "Na hindi ka madadamay sa kaso? Na hindi ka makukulong? Na hindi ka rin nila ipapa-disbar?"

"I promise."

But why couldn't I believe him?

Why did his words sound like lies?

"It's gonna be fine," he repeated his lies. "You'll cross-examine Reynaldo. He'll most probably lie. You'll catch his every lie. We'll win this case."

"And you'll be free... and alive."

He laughed but nothing's funny.

"Yes," he said. "Plus, orange isn't really my color."

I just stared at him. "Mukha ba akong nasa mood makipagbiruan?"

But Lui just smiled and wrapped his arms around me. He pulled me closer and breathed so deeply like he was just trying to breathe me in.

"Tali," he called.

"What?"

"Baby," he said.

Hindi ako nakapagsalita.

He just kept on calling me baby until somehow, I he managed to calm me down.

* * *

I couldn't sleep.

I kept on having nightmares.

I kept on seeing Lui in prison.

I was losing my mind.

I tried to focus my attention on planning my line of questioning para sa cross ko kay Villamontes. I didn't think Iñigo would allow that... Because if I were in his position, I wouldn't allow that. It would do him more harm than good lalo na kung alam mo na guilty ang kliyente mo...

But then, maybe he'd just perjure himself.

Or appeal to emotion of the public.

Gain sympathy.

Baka sa susunod ay naka-stretcher na rin siya dumating sa korte.

But Lui was so sure na papayag si Iñigo...

Did Lui know something that he wasn't telling me? Nag-usap ba sila ni Iñigo? Pero kung nag-usap sila—

Did Lui purposely let himself get dragged in the middle of the case? Alam niya ba ganon ang mga itatanong sa kanya? Alam niya ba na pilit siyang isasama bilang co-conspirator?

God, I was really losing my mind.

Gusto kong tanungin si Lui, pero alam ko na magsisinungaling lang siya sa akin. Gusto kong tawagan si Iñigo, pero alam ko na kung meron man silang usapan, hindi pa rin niya sasabihin sa akin.

I felt like I was backed into a corner and either way, I'd still lose...

I'd win... but I'd still lose.

Mula sa veranda, muli akong pumasok sa unit. I grabbed my wallet. May convenience store sa ibaba ng condo. I just really needed a smoke. Hindi naman siguro ako itutumba ngayon.

At this point, I'd take my chances.

Tahimik akong lumabas sa unit. Lui was still sleeping. He was sleeping soundly. I envied him dahil hindi ako makatulog sa kaka-isip ng mangyayari sa kanya.

Pumasok ako sa loob ng convenience store. I told the cashier that I'd buy a pack of cigarette nang mapunta iyong mga mata ko sa mga condom na naka-display doon.

It was like I stopped breathing.

Fuck.

I bought a pregnancy test instead. 

**

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