Chapter 39

The rest of the ride was awfully quiet.

No one was talking... yet the tension was so thick that I was practically choking on it. Gustung-gusto ko ng bumababa kahit na nasa gitna kami ng traffic. But I knew that I shouldn't. Kasi kapag bumaba ako ngayon, mas lalala lang 'yung pangyayari... kahit na sa totoo lang, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit.

Lui pulled over in front of my condo. At least nagka-intindihan din pala kami kahit hindi kami nag-usap. He didn't go to the basement parking like usual.

Hindi pa siya tuluyang nakaka-tigil, pero natanggal ko na agad iyong seatbelt ko. I was so ready to get out of his car. I just wanted some air. I needed to fucking breathe.

Pero agad na napa-tingin ako sa kanya nang i-lock niya muli iyong pintuan nung bubuksan ko 'yon.

"What are you doing?" I asked, looking at him.

"Let's talk first," he said.

I pressed my lips together. "Not now," I replied.

Lui was still looking at me like he was telling me to give it up dahil hindi ako aalis sa sasakyan niya hanggang hindi kami nag-uusap muli.

"You're the one who's always asking me to talk," he shot back. Lui's usually level-headed... and that has always made me wonder... kung marami ba siyang tinatago o talagang isa lang siya sa mga ma-swerteng tao na walang masyadong dinadalang problema.

But I was wrong—so wrong.

Lui's just like everybody else—he's just way better at hiding the skeletons in his closet...

"Well, excuse me for wanting some time to wrap my head around the fact that you just lied under oath," I snapped back at him.

"You talk like I was the one who killed him."

"Conspiracy—act of one is act of all. Did you conveniently forget what we learned in Criminal Law?" mabilis na sagot ko sa kanya.

I watched as he pressed his lips together and as his jaw clenched. I knew that I was pushing his buttons... but he's putting me in an impossible position, too!

"Conspiracy must be established, not by conjectures, but by positive and conclusive evidence," he said as he stared directly into my eyes. "Or did you forget that, Prosecutor Tali, because you want to believe in the worst in me?" he continued, sarcasm dripping in his voice.

Agad na napaawang iyong labi ko. "Are you being serious?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong ko sa sinabi niya sa 'kin.

I had given him all the opportunities in the world to come clean to me, but he had always chosen to lie! He lies about everything that I was starting to wonder kung may totoo ba sa mga sinabi niya sa 'kin.

"Yes, I was there, but no, I didn't participate in the hazing," sagot niya sa 'kin.

"Then why didn't you just tell me?"

"Because it didn't matter."

"Well, it matters to me!"

"No, it doesn't—"

"I just told you," I said in anger, quickly cutting him off. "I'm being blackmailed to dismiss a rape case, Lui! A rape case! Naiintindihan mo ba 'yon?"

Humigpit ang pagkaka-hawak ni Lui sa manibela. Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya habang sinasandal niya iyong ulo niya sa may headrest at saka sandaling pinikit ang mga mata niya.

"I'm not asking you to do anything, Tali," sabi niya nang buksan niya ang mga mata niya at muling tumingin sa 'kin. "I never asked you for anything then, and I'm not asking you for anything now."

I pressed my lips together.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko sa kanya.

All I could feel was the heaving in my chest as I tried to contain the multitude of emotions crossing my body all at once.

"I wasn't included in the complaint because I was the one who invited all the alumni. If they involve my name, they know that I won't lie under oath and I will drop all the names," sabi niya habang naka-tingin sa 'kin. "And I'm not asking you to dismiss the case on my behalf, Tali... believe me, that case will be dismissed one way or another."

I could feel the trembling of my lips.

Lui cupped my face with his hands.

"Tali, baby, I love how idealistic you are... but you can't change the world overnight..." he said as he caressed my face with his thumbs.

I could feel my chest tightening.

My vision of him was blurring.

I could just explode from my disappointment.

Lui quickly wiped the tears as quickly as they fell.

"Why are you like this?" I asked in between sobs. I was just so disappointed in him... and in myself... Has he always been like this? Did I fall for him while knowing that he's as selfish as this?

"What? Realistic?"

"No. Immoral," I replied as I peeled his hold on my face. Mabilis kong pinahid iyong mga luha ko. I unlocked the door again, but it was still locked from his side. "Unlock this," I said without looking at his face.

Dati, iniiwasan kong tumingin sa kanya dahil alam ko na mabilis akong bibigay sa isang tingin, isang ngiti niya lang.

Ngayon? I just couldn't and didn't want to look at him.

"No."

"Lui—"

Agad akong natigilan nang nakita ko iyong paraan ng pagtingin niya sa akin. There was a mixture of hurt... of betrayal on his face. I hated that I immediately wanted to apologize when I saw the hurt on his face... kahit alam ko sa sarili ko na totoo sa nararamdaman ko iyong mga sinabi ko.

"You told me to be honest," he said... and I could clearly hear the accusation on his voice. "And I've been honest, Tali—too honest, even. I probably should've just lied to you. I should've just told you what you wanted to hear—about the rainbows and unicorns and how justice always prevails. Kasi iyon naman 'yung gusto mong marinig, 'di ba?"

The guilt began to weigh in on my chest.

Palabo nang palabo iyong paningin ko.

I was feeling the guilt and the disappointment altogether.

It was exhausting.

"You kept on telling me to be honest. You kept on telling me that you love me," he continued. "What a liar you are, Italia Reign."

The tears kept on flowing... and then it started to get hard to breathe. Tahimik lang akong naka-tingin sa kanya habang humihikbi. Hindi ako maka-hinga. Ang bigat-bigat ng pakiramdam ko.

Did he really think that I lied to him? I really do love him that's why I am this disappointed. I expected better from him... or at least I wanted him to want to be better. Pero hindi naman ako tanga. Kitang-kita ko sa mga mata niya na ayos na siya sa ganito.

Kasi bakit nga naman hindi? It's clearly benefitting him. Why change the system that already benefits you? Only a fool would do that.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal na iyong minuto na lumipas. Hindi ako umaalis dahil alam ko na hindi niya rin ako papaalisin. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano ako aalis kasi ang tagal bago ako nakarating dito.

Parang pangarap na matagal mo ng inasam... hanggang mapagtanto mo na iba pala iyon kumpara sa nakikita mo sa panaginip mo.

"What do you want to do?" he asked after minutes that felt like eternity. Ramdam ko na naka-tingin siya sa akin habang naka-yuko lang ako at patuloy ang pagtulo ng luha. Hindi ako nagsalita. I felt him reaching for my face and his thumb caressing my cheek. "Do you want to break up?" he quietly asked.

I felt my chest tightening even more.

And then I found myself shaking my head.

"Good," I heard him say. "I don't want that, too."

I quietly cried... because what else could I do? I was so in love with him... but I was also so disappointed in him...

"You don't have to dismiss the case on my behalf. I will never ask that of you," he said. "But you will never win that case. I'm sure you've read about the other cases." I looked at him with my tear-stained face. Lui's face softened. "You can't take every case to heart, Tali. You'll kill yourself."

"Paano mo nalaman na madidismiss iyong kaso?" tanong ko habang pilit na kinakalma iyong sarili ko.

"Because," he said like that was enough.

"Because what?"

He cupped both of my face with his hands. "Because that's how the world works. Justice can be bought. It has always been that way."

I felt my tears pooling around my eyes again.

Why was he like this?

Why am I in love with someone like him?

"So you just want me to what? Let it be?"

"Of course not," he said as he wiped the tears. "You can proceed with the case, but if not with you, they'll pay the witness. If not the witness, they'll buy the judge. Everyone has a price."

I looked him straight in the eye. "What's your price?" I asked him.

Lui didn't say a word, but from the look on his face, I knew that he knew what his price was... but it was a secret that only he will know.

"You can continue with the case," he said, changing the route of the conversation. "I'll never ask you to drop a case on my behalf."

"And if she includes you in the complaint?" I asked.

"Don't worry about it," he replied like he was already certain that there's no way na madadamay siya sa reopening ng kaso.

"Si Samuel?"

I saw the change of his expression. He wasn't completely hopeless. Kita ko iyong bigat ng konsensya sa mukha niya. He probably really felt guilty about what happened to him... Kaya siguro hinayaan niya na suntukin siya ni Samuel.

"Did he know?" I asked when I was reminded of the bruise on his face. Kaya ba siya sinuntok ni Samuel? Dahil nalaman niya na nandon talaga si Lui? Na kahit na alam niya na kapag pumunta doon si Samuel ay madadamay siya ay ginawa niya pa rin?

How he fucked Samuel's life with a single decision on his part?

"No," he simply replied. "It won't change anything."

Muling isinandal ni Lui iyong likuran niya sa may upuan. Naka-hawak sa manibela iyong dalawang kamay niya.

"Everything will be fine," he said. "Samuel included. He'll be fine."

"Too late for that," I replied a little too quickly kaya napa-tingin sa akin si Lui. It was obvious how I hit a nerve with that one.

"Can you please stop acting like I orchestrated everything that happened? That I planned for him to fail the BAR and break up with Deanne?" he snapped and I could clearly hear the mixture of disdain and guilt in his voice. "I feel guilty—is that what you want to hear, Tali? Because I do. I do feel guilty. I didn't ask for someone to die that night. I didn't ask to be there. Heck, I shouldn't have even been there! Maven was supposed to be there, not me. If any, blame Maven like I do every fucking night!"

All I could do was to stare at his hands and how tightly they're gripping the wheels.

"So, no, I'm not the heartless monster you think I am, Tali. I just learned how to play the game and I suggest you do the same."

**

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