Chapter 29

'Wow...' I uttered to myself as I walked out of my office with a box in my arms. Ni hindi man lang nagpanggap 'tong mga taong 'to na mamimiss nila ako. Usually kasi ay may pa-party kapag may aalis na na lawyer. Sa stay ko sa firm, naka-ilang party ako na napuntahan at cake na nakain. Samantalang sa akin, ni cupcake wala man lang.

Thanks talaga, ha.

Kaya bago ako umalis sa office ko, naglagad ako ng note sa isa sa mga drawer ng papel na may naka-sulat na run. Kasi gago mga tao dito. Tsk. Ka-una-unahang work experience ko e nakaranas agad ako ng matinding office politics.

Bago ako umuwi sa condo, dumaan muna ako sa bakery para bumili ng cake. Kung 'di nila ako bibigyan, ako na lang bibili ng sarili kong cake. Pampalubag loob na lang talaga na kahit ang gago nila sa akin, at least may pera ako. Sabi nga nila, if I can't have peace, I want money.

I was humming while walking on the way to my unit. Wala pa akong naiisip kung saan ako susunod na mapapadpad. Sinabihan ako ni Alisha na baliw daw ako dahil nagresign ako na walang backup plan. 'Di ko lang masabi sa kanya na kailangan ko munang gumawa ng due diligence para malaman kung saang firm walang influence si Lance. Mababaliw ako kung sa susunod na firm e ganon ulit mangyayari sa akin. Because if that's the case, uuwi na lang ako sa probinsya at magnonotaryo.

Pero agad na napa-hinto ako nung makita ko si Lui na nasa tapat ng unit ko. It was not a surprising sight. Ilang beses ko na siyang nakikita dito dahil hanggang ngayon, blocked pa rin siya sa phone ko. He took me seriously when I told him na sa email niya ako kausapin. Mukhang tanga dahil mag-e-email siya tapos 'Where are you?' lang ang naka-lagay. Malapit ko na talaga siyang ilagay sa spam.

But what surprised me was that he was holding a cake.

And that made my chest constrict a little.

Cake... para sa cake lang, nagkaka-ganito ako?

Grabe. Kung hindi noodles, cake naman ang katapat ko—patay gutom ba ako?

I was probably staring a little too much dahil napa-tingin din siya sa gawi ko. That was when I noticed na hindi lang cake ang dala niya. May dala din siya na box ng pizza at saka chicken wings.

"Cake ba 'yan?" he asked, pertaining to the box that I was holding.

I nodded. I just nodded dahil hindi ako makapagsalita. Ganon ba kasama iyong loob ko na wala akong going away party sa firm namin na sobrang na-touch ako dito kay Lui?

"Bakit ka bumili ng cake—"

Pero hindi niya natapos iyong sasabihin niya dahil bigla na lang bumuhos iyong luha ko. I barely saw his face with the tears clouding my vision. Tuluy-tuloy iyong pagbuhos ng luha ko. It felt like the floodgates finally opened and for the first time in weeks, I was able to cry.

I felt Lui's hands cupping my face. Nilagay niya siguro sa sahig iyong pagkain.

"Shit. Sorry. Ano na naman sinabi ko?" he asked using a worried tone.

"Y-yung pagkain," I said in between sobs.

"Bakit ka umiiyak?" he asked instead, not worried about the food at all.

Ayokong umiyak sa harapan niya. I promised myself before that never would I cry in front of him again. That whatever I might be feeling, I would have to hold it in whenever he's in front of me. That he doesn't get to see me that way again. Na iiyak na lang ako kapag mag-isa na ako at walang ibang makaka-kita sa akin.

I didn't have to be strong all the time—I just have to appear strong all the time.

But when I saw him holding a box of cake for me?

When I felt like everyone else didn't give a shit about me anymore?

I just... lost it.

Hindi ako makapagsalita. May lumabas na tenant sa ibang unit at napa-tingin sa aming dalawa. They probably thought that we're having some lover's quarrel. Lui asked me for the keys. Binuksan niya iyong unit ko at pumasok kami doon. He guided me hanggang nasa couch na ako. He moved like he knew every corner of my unit—and he probably did kasi nandito siya lagi dati. He got me a glass of water and handed it to me. Naka-upo lang siya sa tabi ko at pinapanood ang bawat galaw ko.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. Umiling ako. "Okay," he said. "Gutom ka na ba?" Tumango ako.

Naka-upo lang ako doon habang inayos ni Lui iyong lamesa. Nilagay niya iyong pizza at wings sa may lamesa. Binuksan niya iyong dalawang box ng cake. Iyong cake na dala niya ay maliit na bilog na ube cake. I remember mentioning it once to him tapos naalala niya... habang iyong cake ko naman ay bento cake na pinalagyan ko ng simpleng message na 'Sorry for your loss (me)' na dedication.

"Bigay sa 'yo sa office?" he asked, probably just making a small talk, but it just made me cry yet again.

Lui just waited for me. Inabutan niya ako ng tubig at saka tissue. Baliw na siguro ako sa harapan niya dahil kanina pa ako umiiyak. Akala ko talaga ay okay lang ako dahil alam ko naman na wala akong kasalanan at 'di ko deserve iyong alienation na ginawa sa akin sa office... but I wasn't okay.

It was mental torture.

"Sorry," I said in between sobs and in between me wiping my tears away. "Kain na tayo, please."

We ate in silence. I could feel Lui's stares but I tried my best to avoid his gaze. Tahimik akong kumain ng pizza at saka wings. He barely touched his food and was just watching me—probably waiting for me to bawl my eyes out again.

"It really is their loss," sabi niya habang nilalagay niya sa gitna ng cake iyong maliit na kandila at saka sinindihan iyon. He looked at me and gave me a small smile. "The best is yet to come, Atty. Hernaez."

I tried to smile back at him while holding the tears back. Hinipan ko iyong kandila tapos ay inabutan ako ni Lui ng maliit na tinidor. Sinimulan kong kainin iyong cake. I focused my attention on that while trying to ignore Lui's stares. He probably wanted to ask again kung bakit ako umiiyak... o baka alam niya na? Kasi bakit siya nandito?

"Pano mo nalaman na ngayon iyong last day ko?" I asked him, unable to contain my curiosity. Alam ko na nabanggit ko na sa kanya na magreresign ako. Hindi na rin naman ako tinanong pa kung saang department ako magpapalipat. It was more of a... formality. I didn't ask them to choose between me and Lance, but they still made a choice.

Whatever. I'll work really hard hanggang talagang masabi ko talaga sa kanila iyong 'I'm sorry for your loss.'

"I have friends everywhere," sagot niya lang.

"Right," I said, instead. He's right, though. He's from a frat. Kung ano ang koneksyon ni Lance, for sure meron din siya. And he's been telling me na hanggang kami pang dalawa (at least as far as Lance's concerned, walang mangyayari sa akin). Which, to an extent, was true... 'Di naman siguro sinabihan ni Lance iyong buong firm na 'wag akong kausapin. Nagsimula siguro talaga 'yon nung sinabihan ko na kakasuhan ko ng slander iyong mga chismosa sa CR.

"I'll email you a list," sabi niya.

"Of what?"

"Job prospects," sabi niya. Magsasalita pa sana ako, kaso ay inunahan niya na ako. "Lance doesn't have influence everywhere. I already vetted those places, Tali," he continued like he could read what's on my mind. "They're all very eager to have you in their roster."

Hindi ako nagsalita. I tried my best, really, but lately, I felt like a fucking joke in the law community. Sa akin lang siguro nangyari iyong co-counsel ako sa maraming kaso na hindi ko alam. The first few times that happened, I tried really hard, but I would oftentimes make mistakes dahil 'di ko kabisado iyong kaso.

"Salamat sa pampalubag-loob," sabi ko na lang sa kanya.

"What? Hindi pampalubag-loob 'yon," sabi niya sa akin.

"Sure."

"If you suck, I'll tell you that you suck."

Bahagyang napaawang iyong labi ko. "Wow."

He shrugged. "I've known you for a while now, Tali. Coddling doesn't really work for you. You need honesty—and honestly, you can handle it."

I just stared at him. He looked at me like he knew what I wanted to say. Perhaps he's right that he could read me and what's on my mind.

"Kaya mo 'yon ginawa dati?" I asked, unsurprisingly.

"Yes. Because you refused to leave in peace."

"Thanks, I guess."

I was looking at him. I bit my tongue, stopping myself to ask him kung kahit papaano, nagustuhan man lang ba niya ako dati? Kahit konti lang? Or was it really just for fun? That on his end, was it really all casual?

Alam ko na baka masaktan lang ako sa isasagot niya... but wasn't today the perfect time to get hurt? Some more? Para at least kung masasaktan man ako sa sagot niya, kung iiyak man ako, at least isang iyakan na lang sa lahat ng sama ng loob ko.

"May tanong ako," sabi ko habang naka-tingin ako sa mga mata niya. "Yes or no lang. Hindi mo kailangang mag-explain o kung anuman."

Naka-tingin lang din siya sa akin. Baka alam niya na kung ano iyong itatanong ko. He probably thought that I was relentless... and I was. Isa 'to sa mga tanong na hindi ako matatahimik hanggang 'di ko nalalaman ang sagot.

"Did you like me before? Romantically? Or was it really just casual for you?"

Ramdam na ramdam ko iyong panlalamig ng katawan ko habang hinihintay ko iyong sagot niya. Halos hindi ako maka-hinga habang naghihintay ako sa sagot niya.

"Dalawang tanong 'yon," sagot niya sa akin.

"Right. Iyong isa—"

"Yes. For both," he said, cutting me off.

I didn't know what to feel. Should I be... happy? That he liked me romantically? Or be... sad? That it was just a casual thing for him?

"Of course, I liked you—what's not to like?" diretsong sabi niya habang naka-tingin sa akin. "But I never wanted anything serious then, Tali. A lot of things were happening. I couldn't focus on just one thing."

I pursed my lips and just nodded to everything he's saying. Tama naman kasi siya. Casual lang naman talaga kami dati. 'Di naman niya kasalanan na nag-expect ako.

"I should've left the moment I realized you like me but..." he trailed off. I didn't want to look at him, but it was like there was a magnetic pull that was making me look him in the eyes. "I had always been selfish. So, I stayed. And basked in your attention. And made myself feel good. Even though at that time, I knew I couldn't give you what you wanted."

**

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