Chapter 23

I had already drafted my resignation letter.

Fuck Lance.

Kung pamilya ko nga, hindi ako kino-kontrol sa kung anuman ang gusto kong gawin, what right did he think he has to think that he could just make me do his bidding? Did he really think that I'll just do as he says?

Fuck him and fuck my taste because obviously, I have shit taste in men! Kung hindi ako gino-ghost, controlling naman. At this rate, magta-trabaho lang siguro ako.

But I knew that I have to be smart about this. May ilang buwan pa ako sa trabaho. If I just ask him to leave me the fuck alone right now, I knew that Lance would make my work life a living hell. I just knew that he would. He didn't look like the type who'd back off peacefully. He'd leave claw marks on everything he thought he owns. Hindi na rin ako magugulat kung isusumbat niya sa akin na nagtop 1 ako sa BAR dahil sa kanya.

God, isaksak ko sa baga niya 'yong top 1, e. Masaya na ako na pumasa ako. I am thankful for being top 1, but unlike him, I don't make it my whole personality.

Tsk.

Buti na lang din talaga pumunta siya sa condo ko nung gabing 'yon. It was like for the longest time, I'd been trying to justify him in my head. Kasi may naitulong din naman talaga siya sa akin. But when he basically threatened me?

I saw him for who he is—a manipulative asshole.

Nakaka-walang pag-asa iyong mga lalaki sa paligid ko.

So, I'd just suck it up hanggang sa matapos iyong contract ko dito. Ilang buwan na lang din naman. The moment my contract's done, I'm out the door. Wala naman silang masasabi sa akin dito dahil maayos naman akong magtrabaho. Lagi akong ahead sa deliverables ko. Hindi ako nagrereklamo kahit ang dami-daming ginagawa. Kung sisiraan man ako ni Lance after tapos maniniwala sila sa kanya, then that's on them.

I'd just mind my own business until then.

"I'll just go to the toilet," I told Lance.

We're in an event. Shocking. Sinabi ko na sa kanya na ayokong pumunta kasi unang court appearance ko sa Monday, but he told me that if I wanted to be a criminal lawyer, may mga ipapakilala siya sa akin na mga RTC and MTC justices. I really tried to tell him no, but the guy wouldn't take no for an answer.

Lance gave me a small nod, but the look on his face told me na kapag hindi agad ako bumalik, susundan niya ako sa CR at hahatakin dito pabalik.

God, why did I ever think that he's a nice guy?

Imbes na sa CR ako dumiretso, naghanap ako ng lugar kung saan makakalanghap ako ng hangin. I just needed to breathe. And think. And calm myself down.

"Great," I mumbled to myself nang makita ko si Lui na naka-tayo sa isang gilid at naninigarilyo. Napa-tingin siya sa gawi ko nung marinig niya ako.

Normally—really, Tali, normally? As if things were ever really normal between the two of you.

But I knew that had I not told him off before, he'd start a small talk between us. Because that's who he's always been. He's friendly—ako lang talaga 'tong naka-misinterpret sa 'friendliness' niya.

"May smoking area din don," sabi niya sabay tanggal nung sigarilyo sa bibig niya at ginamit iyong kamay na 'yon para ipangturo doon sa kabilang dulo.

"If you don't mind, I'll just stand here for a while."

Ibinalik niya iyong sigarilyo sa bibig niya. Naka-tingin lang siya sa akin at hindi nagsalita. Inalis niya iyong tingin niya sa akin at naka-tingin lang siya sa harapan namin.

He was a meter away from me. He probably saw me looking at him, but he offered no conversation. Naka-tayo lang siya doon at naninigarilyo.

"Can I bum you a cigarette?" I asked.

Still saying no word, kinuha niya iyong kahon ng sigarilyo at saka inabot sa akin. Sinubukan kong sindihan iyon, pero hindi na gumagana iyong lighter niya.

"Hindi gumagana," I said while still holding the cigarette that was between my lips.

Lui turned his head to look at me. I thought he was gonna grab the lighter from me to check kung mali lang ba iyong pagbukas ko. Instead, nanlaki iyong mga mata ko nung lumapit siya sa akin. Idinikit niya iyong dulo ng sigarilyo niya sa sigarilyo ko.

Rinig na rinig ko iyong lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko dahil sa ginawa niya. I think I even stopped breathing because of how close he was to me na kitang-kita ko iyong kulay ng mga mata niya.

"You have to breathe," sabi niya dahil tapos na siyang sindihan iyong sigarilyo ko.

I blinked. "R-right," I said as I turned my head at saka nagsimulang manigarilyo. Fuck. For a second, nalimutan ko kung paano manigarilyo dahil masyado akong napa-tingin sa kulay ng mga mata niya.

Then there was silence once again between us. Naka-tayo lang kami doon habang naninigarilyo, but even this was more comforting than standing beside Lance the whole night while he basically paraded me around and let out a fake laugh whenever someone would point out how amazing it is na pareho kaming top 1 sa BAR.

And then my phone vibrated.

I was probably looking at the screen too hard na napa-tingin na rin si Lui doon at sabay naming nakita na natapos iyong pagtawag ni Lance sa akin. Fuck. Kailangan ko ng bilisan dahil baka sundan ako non at makita na wala ako sa CR.

But then he called again.

And when I didn't immediately pick up, he sent a text telling me to get back already.

Hindi pa ako tapos sa sigarilyo ko, pero pinatay ko na iyon. I tossed it in the trash tapos ay tumingin ako kay Lui na tahimik lang na naninigarilyo at nanonood sa akin.

"Thanks," I said. He just nodded at me. I guess this was how it's gonna be now... Barely any words between us tuwing magkikita kami sa mga ganitong events dahil pareho kami ng IBP chapter. The only consolation I have is that once I eventually leave Lance's claws, hindi na ako pupunta sa mga event ng frat nila.

I began walking at bumigat na naman iyong pakiramdam ko nung makita ko si Lance na nag-aabang sa akin. Did he really think I'd leave? He drove us here and told me to leave my purse in the car para siguro wala akong susi sa condo.

"Where were you?" he asked like a jail-warden.

"Naglakad-lakad lang," I told him.

"Seriously, Italia, get your priorities straight."

I bit my tongue. Just suck it in, Tali. Mawawala din 'tong talipandas na 'to sa buhay mo.

"Right. I'm sorry," I just said to get it over with. The less I struggle with him, mas madaling matatapos 'tong gabing 'to. Sana talaga ma-assign siya sa kaso na sa Mindanao iyong jurisdiction para naman maka-hinga ako nang maayos.

I began walking when my eyes caught a reflection of myself on a mirror... tapos ay nakita ko na nasa likuran ko lang si Lui. He was looking at my retreating back habang bahagyang naka-kunot iyong noo niya. Did he hear how Lance talked to me? Did he think that I was such a push-over? Or did he think that I deserve to be treated that way? Kasi siya na rin ang nagsabi sa akin dati na ginawa niya lahat ng ginawa niya dahil hinayaan ko siya.

That whatever suffering I may be feeling, it's only because I let people walk all over me.

Ang joke time ko siguro sa paningin niya.

I just go from one abuser to another.

'Di na ako natuto.

But whatever. I shouldn't care too much about what he thinks of me. Alam ko naman sa sarili ko na aalis din ako dito. I just really have to do this carefully dahil ako lang din ang mahihirapan kung sakali. I should really stop letting other people decide for myself. I should really start doing what I want when I want it.

We got back inside. Lance introduced me to this one judge in MTC who made me feel so uncomfortable for some reason. But I just kept smiling and being polite because I didn't want to cause any more trouble.

I was so thankful nung mag-Monday na dahil tuwing weekdays, hindi ako inaabala ni Lance dahil busy din siya sa trabaho niya. 'Di ko akalain na dadating ako sa puno na mas gusto ko iyong weekdays kaysa sa weekends.

Nung nakita ko si Lui sa may legal aid, I greeted him. I did tell him that we could still be civil. Wala namang masama na batiin ko siya dahil mas bastos kung hindi.

The whole day ended peacefully... siguro dahil naka-mute si Lance sa notification ko. Alam niya naman na nasa legal aid ako kaya may maidadahilan ako in case na sabihin niya na 'di ako sumasagot.

Napa-tingin ako sa gilid ko nang maramdaman ko na may naka-tingin sa akin. Napa-kunot iyong noo ko nung makita ko na naka-baba iyong bintana ni Lui. He was staring at me. I... rolled my windows down, too.

"I know it's none of my business," he began like he was on the defense in case I decided to tell him off again. "But... you should stop going with Lance to the events."

Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya.

"You don't need to network. You're good on your own. People know that already."

Bahagyang napa-kunot ang noo ko. What? Why's he telling me this?

"I heard some of the members asking about you," sabi niya sa akin.

"About what?"

Hindi siya nakapagsalita agad. "Just avoid them." I arched a brow. "They're not good people."

"I know," I told him.

"No, you don't," he said like he was restraining himself. "Just... do yourself a favor and skip the events."

I wanted to tell him that that's exactly what I wanted, but I couldn't. It was like I was contractually obligated to cater to Lance's whims hanggang matapos iyong kontrata ko sa firm. But I couldn't tell Lui that. I didn't want to be more of a clown in front of him.

"I should ask you the same," I told him.

"It's different."

"You want the network."

"Quite the opposite," he replied. "I want them to leave me alone."

"Funny way of making that happen."

Diretso lang na naka-tingin sa akin si Lui... I thought I had already seen all sides of him... but for some reason, the look on his face threw me off.

"The only way they'd leave me alone is if I'd stay," he said cryptically. "For old times' sake, I hope I don't see and hear about you again."

**

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