Chapter 18

"You lied," sabi ko nang makita ko si Atty. Serrano na naglalakad palapit sa akin. Nasa rooftop ako. I had been hiding here. I just needed to breathe for a while. Parang lahat ng tao, may kailangan sa akin. Hindi ako makapagpahinga. I had a lot of events that I apparently needed to attend—to meet people that I'd never even heard of before.

"About?"

"The feeling," I said as I blew off a smoke. "I don't feel like I'm on the top of the world."

If anything, I was exhausted. It had been a week since I had topped the BAR exam. I was given a week off of work to celebrate daw. Parang hindi naman ganon iyong nangyari. I had to go home and celebrate with my family. Nagpa-party sila. I didn't know how they managed to throw a party that quickly. Tapos may thanksgiving din 'yung sorority ko. Then testimonial dinner with Brent.

"Nakaka-pagod."

He got a cigarette from his pocket. Nilagay niya 'yon sa pagitan ng mga ngipin niya. Tinakpan nung kamay niya iyon mula sa hangin habang sinisindihan.

"I feel like I'm being pulled from all direction. Parang lahat sila gusto akong makausap. Agad-agad. Hindi ako makapagpahinga."

I felt ungrateful... but at the same time, I kept on thinking on how I should've taken a break when I had the chance. Baka kasi iyon ang kailangan ko. O baka doon lang ako nasanay. Kasi nung nag-aaral pa ako, I made sure na may bakasyon ako kapag naka-break from school. Hindi ko kasi talaga kaya iyong walang pahinga.

Pakiramdam ko, malapit na malapit na ako sa breaking point ko.

But what could I do? I signed a contract. Ni hindi ko pa nga tapos iyong one year contract ko dito.

"You'll be fine," was all that he said.

I just nodded. Maybe he's right—after all, he's been in this exact position. I should listen to him.

"Thank you po," sabi ko after akong kausapin nung senior partners ng firm. I was already expecting this, but still, nakaka-bigla pa rin. I was already so used to being... just there. Hindi ako sanay na nasa akin ang mata ng lahat ng tao.

"We're looking forward to continue working with you, Atty. Hernaez."

Agad akong lumabas at saka dumiretso sa opisina ko. Ni hindi pa ako nakaka-sagot sa offer nila, pero binigyan na agad nila ako ng private office ko. I was also told to inform them had I make a decision kung anong track ang gusto kong pagtuunan ng pansin.

Ang sakit ng ulo ko.

Did I really have to make all these decision right now?

* * *

For the next few weeks, wala silang nakuhang sagot sa akin. Hindi ko rin naman kasi talaga alam kung ano pa rin ang gusto kong gawin. I was good with doing the paper works... but for some reason, that felt... like nothing.

But it wasn't as if I was wearing rose-colored glasses. Alam ko naman simula't-sapul na boring talaga maging abogado. It's basically all about doing paper works with some court appearance. Ewan ko ba. I was starting to feel bored. Na parang... ito na 'yon?

Pero hindi ko magawang magreklamo.

I never voiced out my discontentment because I didn't want to sound ungrateful. I knew that I was given opportunities na hindi naman lahat ng tao ay makaka-kuha.

I was given substantial money by my school and by my sorority for topping the BAR exam. Tapos kapag pumirma na ako ng panibagong contract sa firm, I would be given a car, condo, and signing bonus. I knew I was lucky. Ewan ko ba. Pagod lang siguro talaga ako dahil sa dami ng ginagawa ko.

"You still haven't decided?" tanong ni Atty. Serrano sa akin nang makita niya ulit ako sa rooftop na naninigarilyo.

"Sa?" I asked.

"On where you'd focus," he replied. "They've been asking."

I shrugged. "Interesting lahat, e," I replied... but I probably couldn't hide the sarcasm in my tone well dahil bahagya siyang natawa sa akin. Natawa rin ako kaya medyo nabulunan ako sa usok.

"Maybe criminal," I said.

"Really?" sabi niya na bahagyang naka-kunot ang noo.

"Why not?" sabi ko. "Of all the branches of law, pinaka-interesting naman talaga 'yon."

"Generalization," he replied. "I don't find criminal law all that interesting."

"Why not?"

He shrugged. "I just don't like it," sabi niya. "I don't like dealing with criminals."

Natawa ako. "I thought innocent until proven guilty?"

"Sure, but my answer remains the same," sabi niya. "It's dangerous. Will eat a lot of my time. Ang daming discovery. I have to deal with witnesses. Ang bagal din ng usad ng kaso. More cons than pros."

I remained silent. Still. Mas interesting pa ring gawin 'yon kaysa sa ginagawa ko ngayon. Puro na lang ako paper work. Kahit naka-pikit ata ako e kaya kong gawin 'yon.

"Aren't you interested in Corpo?" he asked. Natawa ako. "What? Nakaka-tawa ba 'yung Corpo?"

Mabilis akong umiling and even waved my hand. "No, no," agad na sabi ko. His brow was slightly arched at me. "Fine," sabi ko. "Pero kasi 'di ba... sabi nila, hindi totoong lawyer 'yung mga Corporate Lawyer," I continued. "But I didn't say that, Sir, ha. Sabi nila 'yan. Hindi sa 'kin galing 'yan."

Natawa siya. "Yeah, heard about that."

"Boring daw kasi 'yung Corporate Law."

"Is it?" sabi niya. "Is it still boring if you can earn as much as fifty thousand for sitting in one meeting?" dugtong niya. "If you decide to pursue Corporate Law, you can become a Corporate Secretary. Corporations will pay you money just to attend meetings. And you can be a secretary for multiple corporations," he added. "So... I don't really care if it's boring."

Maybe he's right... Marami naman talagang pera sa Corporation Law. Iba-iba rin naman ang dahilan ng mga tao kung bakit sila naging abogado. May iba na gusto talagang maging instrument ng justice. Meron mga kagaya ko na dahil lang hindi talaga alam ang gagawin sa buhay... Meron din naman na mga kagaya ni Atty. Serrano na interested ata sa pera. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it, I guess. Different reason for everybody. Magkaka-iba naman kami.

"Think about it," sabi niya sa akin nang maubos na iyong stick ng sigarilyo. "And tell me what you decided—I saved a place for you in my department."

Napa-tingin ako sa kanya. "Gusto mo ulit maging mentor ko, Sir?" I asked, joking, because this was starting to feel like déjà vu.

"Work-wise? Yes." Napa-kunot ang noo ko. "Non-work wise, I'd rather we discuss it over dinner." Napaawang iyong labi ko. "We better get back to working, Atty. Hernaez," he added before leaving me in daze.

Did he... just ask me out?

* * *

"Alisha... I think inaya ako makipagdate ni Atty. Serrano," sabi ko kay Alisha nung magkita kami. We try our best to meet on Friday nights to de-stress sa trabaho. I look forward to it kasi ito na ata ang pinaka-socialization ko.

She laughed. She didn't even look surprised a bit.

"Ano'ng sabi mo sa kanya?"

"Wala," sagot ko. "I mean, hindi pa naman niya ako tinatanong. But he said we should meet for dinner. Feel ko doon niya na ako tatanungin."

Alisha nodded. "So, what's the problem? Ayaw mo ba sa kanya?"

I shrugged. "Not really," sagot ko. "I mean, he's handsome, tall, smart, and nice. He looks perfect on paper."

"And he's also top 1—talk about being the power couple."

I just reached for my cocktail tapos ay tahimik na ininom 'yon. Ramdam ko na naka-tingin sa akin si Alisha. She arched her brow.

"What?" I asked.

"Ayaw mo sa kanya?"

"Wala akong sinabi na ganyan."

"Then what's with the face?" she asked. "May anti-fraternization ba sa firm niyo?"

"I don't think so," sagot ko. "Kasi if meron, hindi naman ako aayain ni Atty. Serrano." I chewed on my lips. "Or baka meron? Nagooverthink lang ako when he mentioned dinner to me..."

Alisha rolled her eyes. "He likes you!" she said with conviction. "If he asks, say yes... or no. It's up to you," she continued. I remained silent. "What's the problem ba?"

I was stirring my drink. I let out a sigh. "I just... don't think I'm ready to date?"

"Kasi busy ka sa work... or because of what happened with he-who-shall-not-be-named?""

Napa-tingin ako sa kanya at natawa. "What? You can say his name. Hindi naman siya si Voldemort," sabi ko sa kanya.

"Fine," sabi niya. "Is it because of Lui?"

I shrugged and tried to sip on my juice. "You still have hangups?"

"I don't know," I replied.

"Nagkita na ba kayo recently?"

"Not really," I said. "Last na nagkita kami ay nung release pa nung results ng BAR."

"How did it feel? Like gusto mo siyang suntukin?"

Natawa akong muli. "No, not really," I replied. "More like... genuine wonder? Kasi it all happened in a short span of time. BAR season. Lahat tayo under extreme stress. I acted insane for a while, you know? Whenever I look back on the things I did, I kinda understand why he had to do what he did... so, sometimes, I do wonder kung ano kaya ang mangyayari had I meet him in a different time... but also... relief? That he did that? Kasi... top 1 ako sa BAR. Can't even really complain, you know?"

"Do you wanna try it again?" she asked. "Since you're both lawyers na."

Agad akong umiling. "No."

"Really?"

Tumango ako. She asked. I didn't say why really. It's just that... I feel like Lui had this kind of control over me. And whenever I'd think about that, I'd feel scared. Kasi ayokong maging kagaya ni Rory. I refuse to be so in love with a guy that I think I'd die kapag iniwan niya ako.

"I think... I'll say yes if he asks."

Napa-kunot ang noo ni Alisha. "Oh. You like him?"

"I like him enough," I replied.

And I think that's the key... just liking someone enough... hindi iyong sobra... kasi lahat ng sobra, masama.

"Okay," Alisha replied. "But you know that you don't have to like him, right? If he asks, you can say no? And if gantihan ka niya sa work, you can always report him to HR?"

I looked at her and smiled. "I know, but thanks for looking out for me."

Alisha nodded. "Always," she replied. "Do whatever you like... but for the record? You looked really happy with Lui. I don't know what you saw in him, but you were happy."

"Masaya naman ako."

"Okay."

"I have good work, family, friends."

"I said okay," sabi niya na natawa. "I hope what happened with Lui didn't traumatize you with love. Don't play it safe when it comes to love, Tali. It never really works out."

I just nodded to end the conversation... but truth was, I could never really allow myself to go through that again. I don't ever want to cry myself to sleep and to constantly wonder what's so wrong with me that he couldn't have me the way I wanted him to.

So, I'd play it safe if it means not having to go through that again. 

**

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