Chapter 12

Lui didn't immediately answer the call. I texted him to please call me kapag nabasa niya iyong message ko. A few minutes after that, I saw his name on the screen of my phone.

"What?" he said when I accepted the call.

"Busy ka?" I asked, trying to control my breathing because I was so close to just sobbing in the middle of the street. I didn't want to cry here. I just wanted to be with Lui. I just wanted him to hug me and to comfort me.

Hindi agad siya nakasagot. "Are you okay?" he asked instead.

"Yeah... no..." I drew a deep breath. "I don't know." Then there was silence. I wasn't saying anything. He wasn't saying anything. "I just talked to Alisha... and I think I screwed it up even more..."

He was still silent...

And normally, I would take that as an answer...

But I just didn't want to be alone with my thoughts right now...

"Please?" I pleaded.

"Fine," he replied with a sigh. "I'll go to your condo."

"No, ako na lang pupunta sa 'yo."

"It's fine," he said. "I'll be there in an hour."

"Okay..." sabi ko na lang at saka tinapos iyong tawag.

I drew few more deep breaths. I needed to calm down. Si Alisha na rin ang nagsabi na kailangan niyang magfocus sa BAR... Kailangan ko rin naman 'yon... Wala naman siyang sinabi na friendship over na kami. Sinabi niya lang na busy siya. We could discuss this again after the exam.

Bago ako umuwi sa condo, bumili muna ako ng pagkain kasi baka hindi pa nagdidinner si Lui. He told me that he's busy sa kung anuman ang ginagawa niya. He was so busy na hindi na siya maka-attend sa last few classes ng review namin for the pre-bar.

Nilagay ko na iyong pizza saka chicken sa may dining table. Lui would be here any minute now. I needed to ask him din pala kung saan siya magrereview. Kailangan ko ng mag-enroll for the review proper. Nagtatanong na rin iyong family ko kung saan ako magrereview kasi sila iyong magbabayad doon.

"Hi," I said nung buksan ko iyong pinto.

Lui still looked the same... and it's only been a few days, but I already missed seeing his face. Ang hirap pala kapag nasanay ka na masyado na lagi mong kasama iyong tao. Na tipong kahit isang araw lang siyang mawala ay parang may mali sa araw mo.

He gave me a small smile bago siya pumasok sa condo ko. Normally kapag nandito siya, may dala siyang bag kasi dito rin siya magrereview. But tonight, wala siyang dala kung hindi ang sarili niya lang din.

"Nagdinner ka na?" I asked. "Bumili ako ng chicken at saka pizza."

Tumango siya. "Are you okay?" he asked instead.

Naupo ako. Tumingin ako sa kanya at pilit na ngumiti. "No, not really... but I'll be fine," sabi ko sa kanya. "Are you really not hungry? You can have kahit isang slice lang," dugtong ko.

Wala talaga akong ganang kumain, but I knew I needed to eat dahil kung hindi, sa emergency room na ang diretso ko. And I really didn't need that on top of everything that's already happening. Kapag napunta ako sa ER, sigurado ako na either may magsstay na relative ko dito sa condo o papauwiin ako sa bahay namin.

"No, it's fine," sabi niya. "What happened? What did you two talk about?"

Naka-tungo lang ako. "Not a lot... but she did say that I'm a shitty friend," I whispered because probably, I was ashamed... because there was some truth to it.

I didn't really ditch them... nasa magkaibang review center lang talaga kami. Magkaiba iyong schedule namin. Saka nung mga pagkakataon na inaaya ako ni Alisha na magreview kami, nagkataon lang na may usapan na talaga kami ni Lui na sabay kaming mag-aaral. Doon ba siya nainis? Na sinabi ko dati na hindi ako magppre-bar review pero nag-enroll ako bigla? O dahil nakita niya kami dati na magkasama ni Lui kahit sinabi ko na sobrang busy ko?

Was I really a hypocrite?

God, this sucked.

"Why?" Lui asked.

Tumingin ako sa kanya. "You know why."

I saw him drawing a deep breath. "I told you... you can talk shit about me if that'll make your situation better."

"I don't wanna do that."

"Why?" he asked quickly like it should've been a no-brainer situation for me. "It's easy. And it would've solved your problem."

"Do you really want me to do that?"

"Yes," sagot niya na diretso. "You need your friends, Tali. It's obvious. You keep on talking about them. You can't focus on your review."

"I don't... I don't do that."

"You do," he said.

"I don't."

"You do," he repeated insistingly. "And I know that because I always sat there and listen to you repeat the same thing over and over again."

That... felt like a punch in the gut.

Diretso lang iyong pagkakasabi ni Lui. Ni hindi nagbago iyong tono ng boses niya. Naka-tingin lang siya sa akin. His breathing was even like he practiced saying this in his head a million times before.

"You should've just apologized for being a shitty friend."

I felt my jaw clenching. "Why should I? I just hang out with you. Sobrang masama ba 'yon?"

"What do you think?" he asked directly. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. "You were a shitty friend. I was literally banned from your sorority's events, Tali."

Hindi ako nakapagsalita agad. Panay ang hugot ko ng malalim na hininga. "S-so?"

Natawa si Lui. He chuckled like he couldn't believe what I was saying. He ran his fingers through his hair. "Wow..."

"And you flirted with me—"

"But they're not my friends, Tali. They're your friends."

My jaw clenched. "Fuck you."

"You already did," he replied. "And I seriously hope it's worth possibly losing your friends over, Tali."

He stood from his seat. He began to walk towards the door. I was just on my seat. I couldn't move.

"Is that it?" I asked when I felt him just standing still and not opening the door. "You'd ignore me after this?"

"No, I'm just busy."

"Right."

"I have a lot of shit going on right now."

"How would I know? You don't tell me anything."

"Why would I? Girlfriend ba kita?"

That... was the sound of my heart dropping and breaking.

It was like my heart was made out of crystal and I could see it crumbling on the floor and shattering into a million pieces.

Na ni hindi man lang ako maka-galaw para pulutin iyon isa-isa.

And Lui wouldn't even help me pick up the pieces because I just heard him opening the door.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I told you—busy ako. I just went here to check up on you," he said. "Just please talk to your friends. Or your family. Or literally just anyone."

Huminga ako nang malalim.

I nodded as I felt the tears falling down from my eyes. I couldn't even talk because any word that would come out of my mouth wouldn't be said without it being uttered in between sobs.

I didn't hear the sound of the door closing.

Instead, I saw Lui kneeling in front of me. He cupped my face and wiped my tears with his thumbs.

"Don't cry," he said.

Hindi ako nagsalita.

"Of all people, don't cry because of me," he continued. "Seriously, Tali, I'm not worth crying over."

But I just cried.

The tears wouldn't stop falling.

"Just leave," I said in between sobs.

"How can I?" he said as he wiped my tears. "Paano ako aalis kung umiiyak ka?"

"E 'di sana hindi mo ako pinaiyak," sabi ko habang humihikbi.

Lui stayed until I was too tired to even cry. I didn't ask him to stay, but he stayed until I fell asleep... but when I woke up, he was already gone.

* * *

I didn't bother Lui for the next few days. I needed to concentrate on reviewing for the last mock bar, anyway. I was begging myself to focus, but I couldn't because my mind kept on wandering elsewhere.

When I took the Poli mock bar, hindi na ako nagulat pa nung halos hindi ako maka-sagot sa mga tanong. My fault, anyway. I just focused on Political Law while neglecting Admin and Election Law. Hindi bale—mas aayusin ko na lang sa mismong review proper. I still had a few months to figure my shit out.

'Busy ka?' I messaged Lui. It's already 7PM. He usually answers his mock bar ng umaga para daw masanay siya kasi ganoon iyong schedule sa mismong BAR.

'Yeah why.'

I drew a deep breath and smiled to myself. It's fine. May buhay din naman talaga siya. Saka... hindi nga niya naman kasi ako girlfriend.

'Nothing just wanted to ask you kung san ka magrereview.'

'LE pa rin.'

'Oh okay. See you next next week!'

May two weeks pa bago magsimula ulit iyong review. Uuwi muna ako sa amin. I needed fresh air anyway. Tapos... pagninilayan ko rin iyong naging pag-uusap namin ni Alisha. I refuse to lose her dahil lang dito. She's right. I was a hypocrite. I'd apologize for that.

Going home was a good decision. I missed my family. They all told me na pumayat daw ako kaya naman pinakain lang nila ako palagi. They were all very supportive of me and they kept on telling me to just do my best. Na pasado o bagsak, basta gawin ko lang ang best ko at magiging proud sila sa akin.

I really needed to focus on the review... Hindi na pwede iyong mga ganitong grades...

When I went back to Manila, pumunta muna ako sa bookstore to buy some stationary. Hindi ko naman talaga sila nagagamit pa kasi marami akong stocks... but I find it therapeutic.

Then the following Monday, I went to the review center. I looked around to look for Lui, but he's not here yet. Then the lecturer came. Wala pa rin siya.

Lunch came, wala pa rin si Lui. I tried calling him, but he wasn't responding. I checked his social media accounts, but there was no trace of any activities from him.

I was beginning to get worried nung napa-tingin ako sa cellphone ng katabi ko. She was browsing on Instagram and I saw Lui's story... what the hell?

"Hi," tawag ko sa katabi ko. "I know it's weird, pero pwede patingin ng story niya?" I asked, pointing out at Lui's story. She looked at me weirdly, but handed over her phone at me.

My hands were slightly shaking as I clicked on his story... only to see that he lied to me and he was enrolled in another review center. He was with some of his friends and I could hear his laughter while he was taking videos of them.

Wow.

Alam ko na hindi naman kami... but why did I feel abandoned? 

**

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