Stress has ravaged my body.
I live in a shell of who I should have been.
Anxiety chains me to a downward spiral and apathy threatens to weaken my fight against it.

My sure footing slipped as soon as I stopped noticing the smoke and mirrors.
Lies once plain and transparent became reality as soon as I began playing your game. I thought I could help you by abandoning what kept me grounded, assuming I could find my way back as soon as I rescued you from the torrent.
I'm sinking.
It hurts.
I'm falling.

Father come back. Everything made so much sense when I followed your voice.  But instead I followed human passions to where they spring, falsely assuming I am not just as entirely human as who I'm trying to save.
To understand the fallen one must stand on their level.
So I fell.
I only wanted to lift you up but I have not the strength to lift even myself. He was all the strength I had and I clung confidently to Him before.
Here I am now with the devil in my ear telling me it was never worth it and He led me astray. The deceiver was never so convincing before.
Why should fear have power... why should everything fail at once... my body, my mind, my trust, my understanding.
Reality is gone and nothing feels real.

I don't feel angry. I don't feel He is angry. I'm just confused and lost and afraid.
I'm floating so freely. Any nudge from either side will direct me so easily to both right and good or harmful and destructive.

I don't want to live like this. I want to go back. I want my sure footing again.
I want to live for His glory and His purpose, because clearly I don't have one otherwise.

As I stand here I feel I shall be like this forever. Stuck blowing in the wind, at the mercy of the torrent.
By this point, I'm unsure who's voice it is that tells me this.
The devil or my own....

Come find me, Lord. I'm so very lost.