So, we're back to the subject of love. I've thought, rethought, and rethought again. I am in love w/ one singular person. My friend Jaylan, I think I spelled his name right. But, I love him. That or I'm just crushing super hard. I know I said Nico was a ball of sunshine, but Jaylan is like all the stars in the universe combined. I love his sense of humor, his voice, the freckles that pepper his sun-kissed skin, his dark chocolate eyes, his laugh, and the way he smiles. The way I feel around him is different than the way I felt around any of my other crushes. When I'm around him I feel a sense of companionship, like I could be around him forever and never be tired of him. Even when I 'loved' Jeremiah, after some time I got tired of being around him. But, with Jaylan even when we're not talking to each other, I still feel safe. It's kinda weird. When I 'loved' Jeremiah, the farthest I could ever imagine was us dating. But, w/ Jaylan my imagination goes farther than that. When I'm around him & my brain wanders I hear wedding bells. I could see silver bands, 2 story houses, dogs, even kids. When I'm w/ him I can picture an entire future. Sometimes when I read really domestic style books, or whenever I watch family based movies, all I can think is, "What if that was us? What if those kids were our kids?" I feel like I could live my life w/him. Of course, we'd have to date sometime during school, and then after HS for any of that to happen. And my chances w/him are very low.

He's a goofball who probably couldn't hurt anyone, but I feel nice around him. He makes me smile, I feel true happiness when he talks to me. Whenever I see him, I feel my chest tightening, almost like I forgot how to breathe. I love how whenever he makes fun of me I can tell it's playful banter. There's always a tone difference between bullying and teasing, and w/ him I can tell that he's teasing. I love how we greet each other, every time I see him is like seeing a friend on the first day of school. I love how we each have flaws that we can joke about w/ each other. I hate when he's sad thou. Whenever he's upset I feel like I don't have the right to comfort him the way I would like to. I can't give him the love and care that I want to.

It's kinda weird thou. I've been hearing his voice every morning for the past 3yrs now. All through middle school he's been part of the school announcements. Now that I really think about it, his voice has always had the same effect on me. It's always made me feel happy. Made me feel like that day was a good day, even when it wasn't. My day didn't really start until I heard that voice every morning. It always made me upset when someone else did his job. It was never right, whenever someone took his spot, it sounded incorrect.

It's really stupid for me to be in love at the end of the school year. We literally have 2 weeks of school left, and I'm in love w/ a guy who I'll probably never see again. I know that once we get to high school, the chances of me having any classes w/ him is very low. I mean if I'm lucky he'll have the same band class as me, but the chances are still very slim. It hurts me to think like that, but it's something that I'll have to accept. To be honest, I wasn't even this upset when I realized that I might not see Jeremiah next year and as some people would tell you, I was pretty upset.

I know that Jeremiah was my light, Nico was the ball of sunshine, and Lenore was the dainty hugger, and they kept me going. I slowly didn't need them one by one. I don't need my light anymore because I had Nico the natural sunshine. And then after a while, I didn't need the sun because I had Lenore my moonlight. But now feel like I don't need any of them to love me. Shit, I don't need Jeremiah to so much as even like me. I'm starting to realize that w/ my previous crushes I didn't feel actual love. Only a strong friendship. Except for w/ Jeremiah, but we know where that landed me. Lenore is my best friend, and I love her that way. Nico is good for a laugh or 2, and I'm fine w/ that. So really with a little moonlight and a sky full of stars, I have all the love I could ever need or want. Hopefully, he's not a jerk under that sun-kissed skin and those dark chocolate eyes. If he's actually as great as I see him now, then I can continue my one-sided love.

Have any of you been in love w/ someone who probably doesn't like you back??

How did/do you cope?