I never thought I'd say this but, holy fuck I don't wanna die. I honestly feel better then I have in years. My 'friends' have disconnected themselves from me, and I don't feel like crap. Some part of me used to think that if I left them then I would feel terrible, but I don't. When I stopped talking to them I felt like crap for a solid week, but now over a month later I feel like I can actually breath. I feel lighter.

Lenore has been a big help lately. We were hanging out w/our friend Kate recently & somehow we started asking truth or truth questions. And one of the questions was, "What's your biggest insecurity?", of course since these are my bestest friends I answered truthfully. I told them that it was my body image. I hate the way I look but Lenore, bless her soul, told me how as far as she and Kate was concerned I was fine, & they were determined to make me think so. And that made me feel a little better. But since we're on the subject.

Another question was, " What's your happiest memory?" That was a hard one, I mean honesty I don't have many happy memories. But one stood out, there was one that I could say was the best day of my life: When I first met Lenore. That's one of my favorite memories. I'll never forget that day for as long as I live. This was way before the hair cutting, when her hair was shoulder length and dirty blonde. She was like an angel to me, she still is. I still remember little 6 year old me, getting off the bus and telling my mom about the pretty girl. Although looking back I probably scared my mom, I mean what 6 yr old uses exact details when describing someone. I mean she has been one of my greatest friends. Her and my friend Tony.

Even though I haven't seen him in a solid 2 years, he's my greatest friend. I have known him since I was in kindergarten. He was the friend. I mean sure you have good friends, great friends, and then your best friend(s), but he was my #1. We had the most in common, from the shows we watched and the games we played to the way we handled shit emotionally. I've always had him by my side, there was a year in 3rd grade where we were in different schools but when I saw him in 4th grade it was like nothing had changed. I still remember 6th grade perfectly. That was his last year w/ me & I can remember almost every part of that year. We used to get in trouble in homeroom cause of our volume, we had a week-long argument about almonds😂, we would talk non-stop in math until the teacher almost blew her lid. For homeroom we sat in the very back so, I kid you not, we sat there and played Poptropica. Dead ass, that was what we did. I mean we played other stuff but that was most of it. We used to ride the same bus, so we usually sat together. I remember that this was before I had a phone so we would play games on my tablet like the children we were. I remember the day he told we that he was moving out of the district, that was one of my worst memories. My best was meeting Lenore & my worst was losing Tony. It was in April I think, we were in homeroom & he dropped that bomb on me. We were both really broken up about it. But, I think one of my favorite parts of him was his drawings. He always had artistic talent, & I loved it. In hhomeroom, sat w/ Tony & our friend Jordan, and there was this game we liked to play 'Who can guess what Tony's drawing first?', because sometimes if one of us guessed it first and correctly he would give us the picture. I think in the end he only gave out 2 or 3, one to me and one to Jordan. But that didn't bother me cause he drew a picture just for me. I know it was after Christmas break because he used the art paper I got for Christmas and I was upset about something or other, can't remember what. So, when we were on the bus going home he asked me for the paper and a pencil. Within maybe 5-10min he drew me this:

If anything made me feel better it was this picture. He actually put the effort in to make me smile. I believe that's the real reason these past couple years have been hard on me. I miss the emotional support he provided. I mean Lenore, Tony, our friend Fiona, and my 3rd best friend Heidi all came from the same school. We were all together from kindergarten to 6th grade. That's a bond that's pretty hard to break. We've always been there for each other, no matter what. I mean Tony was more my friend than theirs, but we still stuck together. Tony was the first to leave us, then Heidi left early the following year. It was really hard on me, just when I start to accept Tony leaving Heidi leaves us 3 months into the school year. Sure I still have Lenore, Fiona, and a couple new ppl, but it's not the same. I would give almost anything to see Tony again. To see if he's still the dork I remember. To see if I'm still taller than him. To see how he's doing if his artwork has gotten better. I would give anything to have my platonic other half back...

Anyway!

Enough sad shit. Back on the subject of this chapter, my life for the first time in a while is not a complete hell.

Note: The picture at the top is Lenore underneath a train jungle gym at Marietta Square.