Ok so I know for a fact that it's been a few months, so let's catch you guys up.

1, Aug.) The year started ok, & there isn't much room to complain about this time around. My only scheduling problem was with Band, but I'll get to that later.

2, Sept.) Again everything is pretty gucci except for one thing involving the repeating offender in my life, Jaylan.

3, Oct.) So I went to HoCo this time around. I wasn't crippled & my friends made plans with me. I went, had a blast, & then we shipped ourselves to Waffle House.

4, Nov.) Finally had my sweet 16(yay). I went bowling with some friends, & Jaylan distressed me yet again.

Ok, now let's take that brief recap and add some flesh to it. 

10th grade is so far going well. I have really good classes & friends in almost all of them. I only have 2 issues, maybe 3. 1 is Band, for some god awful reason they didn't put me in Band this year. I've been playing the clarinet since 6th grade, it just doesn't feel right not playing it. Of course, I could still play it but it wouldn't be the same as playing with the ensemble. Also, I'm not friends with anyone in my Chem class. They're all people that I'm aware of but have never actually taken the time to get to know. I have a singular friend, & I'm not even sure we're friends. & on top of that, I only have 1  class with Jaylan. 8 whole classes & I only see him once every other day. I guess it's not too bad because it's during 3rd block, which is the longest one due to lunch. 

          On the topic of that child, I am INSANELY in love with him. This shit has gotten out of hand ok, I want to fucking marry him! We're so cuddly all the time that all of our friends think that we're dating(yeah sure, in my dreams). Literally, all of our friends think that we're a total couple. We've had friends realize we're not dating, & then proceeding to tell us to do so. As much as I would love to make him mine, that's not what he wants from me. What he wants is a friend. He wants someone that he can be this close with, without the demand or assumption of a relationship. It sounds like a fear of commitment, but that's not what it is(as far as I know anyway.) All he wants is someone to love him, without loving him. It made way more sense when he vented to me at 2 am, trust me. But like I said in a previous section, it's like having a bf but not having one. It's like when you dream up an S.O in your head, they're not yours but it felt like it. It was so strong on my B-Day, I almost cried. It felt like my boyfriend was hanging out with me on my sweet 16th, & I loved it. Does that make me a bad person? Cause I'm not sure. He gives me smooches. SMOOCHES!! Granted they're cheek smooches, but still. & the cutest part is that he says smooch as he does it. This is the 1st time that I've had that feeling that they talk about in books & movies. How the rest of the world falls away when I'm with him, & how every time he does something stupid all I can think of is how I want to spend the rest of my life with him. One of his friends asked me that once. Jaylan had walked ahead of us & he looked me in the eye & said, 

"If Jaylan asked you to marry him. Would you?"

Of course in my socially awkward nature, I sped up & walked away. But I knew the answer immediately. If he asked me, I would say yes. No hesitation, no second thoughts. Yes, all the way. But I know that I'm not the one for him. It's as if my red thread is attached to him, but he isn't attached to mine. 

*Read String of Fate, in case you were wondering. You know Soulmates & shit* 

I would give the world for him to see me the way I see him every day. The way my entire day shifts when I see him, & how I'm never actually upset when people mistake us for a couple. & of course much to his displeasure, our friends are the main offenders when it comes to 'mistaking' us for a couple. They all think that we should be together. 

          Including my best friend of 11 years, Hayden. I've known him since kindergarten but we lost contact for a while until recently. So we've been rejoined now for about a year, & he feels like my annoying brother again. He's like the yeehaw brother that I never wanted, but I'm glad that I have. & I can't make fun of him for being a yeehaw when I'm equal levels of yee & haw. Now Hayden & I are practically the same person aside from gender & ethnicity. & height, but he can piss off with that shit. No one deserves to be 6ft & handsome. Just because I'm not in love with him doesn't mean that I can't appreciate general good looks. In a general sense, he's good looking. Tall, dirty blonde, funny, awkwardly charming, & has a pretty ok face. It's no wonder he got a gf so easily. I just wanna say that he & his girl are so gross all the time. They're semi-long distance, & he's constantly gushing about her. Their love life is like a movie that I'm being forced to watch(That he constantly says, "Will soon be rated R."). Anyway, so he found out about my love for Jaylan & things are getting out of hand. He is my self-appointed wingman. I didn't ask him to be, he just decided to be. He's gross & in love, so now he feels the need to share the wealth. Especially to his lovesick bond sister. He must turn my life into the greatest love film of all time. But I don't think he understands that the wingman can't fall in love with the pilot, so I can't be with the object of my affection. So now I'm constantly terrified of what he's gonna do next, but all I can do is wait & see.

*There was gonna be more to this involving old diary entries I found, but it 3:30 am & I have to wake up @ 7 am to go hiking w/ my dad. I'll probably to part 2 tomorrow or Monday.*