Sometimes the air got too much to breathe. Sometimes he forgot the most simple things. Sometimes he forgot the world, sometimes his head was in pieces and he had little idea as to how he might begin to put it back together. This night wasn't quite like that, though. This night was never ending, with twisting pathways leading to the corners of his mind he'd done his best to avoid, but here he was, and here he stood, watching the night grow darker still - sleepless, but content with it.

He could feel it happening again - slowly this time, as everything fell apart. He just wasn't quite so sure what to do about it, what to do with himself. This was definitely one of those instances in which he should wake George up - there was little question about that - there just a question about the fact of whether Matty wanted to or not. Whether he wanted to trouble George, whether he even wanted to voice the mess he'd twisted himself into out loud. It certainly wasn't that substantial - it meant nothing at all, it was simply parasitical, feeding upon itself and growing very quickly out of control.

There was nothing much to say, really, and Matty thought this ought to be the kind of thing he could deal with by himself. He chose to ignore the fact that it wasn't, and the simplicity in the matter that that fact really was a fact. Instead, he sat at his desk, opened the window away, listening to gentle sound of late night rainfall against the rooftop and the outside world, and light a cigarette, smoking it away as slowly as he could.

He let himself make the mistake of trusting his entire psyche to the packet of cigarettes left out on the table and the lighter he'd found by his bed. He reckoned it might have been George's lighter initially, but he came to conclude that it didn't really matter for all that much in the moment, and if George was sharing his bed in that very moment, then Matty could share his lighter.

There was something about their situation, and how everything had fallen together so carefully always seemed to catch Matty out, because everything was always just so natural, so gradual, like this was the only way things could ever be, that was until Matty took a step back, and looked at the man in his bed from someone else's eyes, that his head started to spin. He was quite unsure how they'd gotten here, and quite what that moment, because there was a certain something inside of him that really did demand that it meant something, and that he couldn't just leave it all be. Or perhaps that was just the situation, just the mess in his head, and the nicotine that was only helping him as much as it was tearing him apart.

He'd always thought this would be it. This would be how things got put together again. Matty had never imagined that he could possibly feel alone or feel empty with George asleep so peacefully in his bed, in the room they shared, in the house they lived in, with their lives that were now just so carefully intertwined like things had simply never been any different. But still, Matty sat awake, sat alone, with his head close to split right in two, onto his desk, to sound of raindrops and quiet little snores from across the room. He'd managed to lock himself up not just in the room, but in his own head. Perhaps there came a point where you'd breathed the same air so many times that it turned into poison, into a toxic nothingness all around you. Matty did wonder if that was the case, or if that was just his mind, or if he just needed a drink, or some fresh air, someone to talk to, or everything in the world all at once.

In the end he went for the easiest option - the one he could most put into action at that moment in time, and he did so by getting to his feet, grabbing a jacket from the floor, and making his way through the house and out of the front door. As he'd come to think of the miracles of fresh air and a simple change of scenery in a late night walk and how it might work to calm his thoughts, he'd come to neglect the rain, the cold, and the darkness of the very early morning sky.

Two was hardly the best time for a walk around the block, down a couple of streets, maybe to the twenty four hour shop round the corner, to buy something to pass the time, or as an excuse to send himself out in the rain, but Matty's mental breakdowns never did take the time of day and its convenience into account. Still, he had to be thankful that this was hardly the worst of them, as was proved in the fact that he could get himself to his feet and out of the front door in the first place. He chose to view it as a sign - that things were getting better, that there was hope after all, but deep down he knew that it was just luck, just down to the circumstance - nothing less, nothing more.

It was as he made it down towards the end of the street that he came to wonder if he should have just woken George up, regardless of the inconvenience, regardless of every lie he'd told himself about how he was getting better and that things weren't how they had been. He came to regret how he hadn't sat up with George and let him talk him through the mess he was in, let him get up and take him into the living room, turn the light on, and make them some hot chocolate and sit with him and watch whatever shit they were showing on TV at two in the morning.

As much as George had no really idea how to properly try and put Matty's head back together, Matty had to admit that he was trying, and curling up with hot chocolate on the sofa sounded a lot better than stumbling around late at night through what might be becoming a rain storm. Matty was stubborn though, and he'd made his way out here in the first place so he reckoned that he at least might as well follow through with it.

He'd go down and get another packet of cigarettes, to make up for George's packet that he'd sat smoking the most of, and when he'd get back home, he'd be in a better state - he'd be tired, and he'd be calm with the world, focused on the rain settling on his skin, and not the mess stuck under it. He'd slip back into bed, leave the cigarettes on the side, and let the night curl back in around him, to forget what it was like to live until morning.

The more Matty talked himself through it, the more it sounded like the perfectly orchestrated plan, although, Matty really couldn't tell if that was just what he'd told himself to make him feel better. In the end, however, he came to conclude that perhaps it didn't matter all that much because the thing was that he was beginning to feel better, and that was what this had all been about in the first place.

It had never been much to deal with - just a mental trip and stumble into a hole that might have been deeper than he'd thought, and indeed a kind of mess that he struggled to comprehend for himself. He'd thought he was okay, but perhaps that had just been wishful thinking, or perhaps this was just him over exaggerating, perhaps two in the morning simply wasn't' the best time to begin to judge any kind of situation at all. Perhaps he really should have been at home and in bed, but he was halfway to the shop now, even as he walked as slowly as he could - more so dragging his feet across the pavement than anything else.

He stopped and took a moment to assure himself of the fact that he was and everything was okay, before continuing down the empty street: utterly vacant at the time of night he found himself in, which was something he was quite thankful for, as the last thing he really wanted to do was make awkward eye contact with someone across the street. In the lack of company or even signs of human inhabitants, he instead came to take note of the world around him, of the houses he knew, of the streets that had seen him grow and change.

There was a distinct feeling that this was his world as much as anyone else's, and as he walked down past a park where he'd hung out quite a few years ago now, he couldn't get rid of feeling that despite it all, he really did belong. He wasn't out of place in the world around him, with his friends, with the people he loved, but simply out of place in his own head, and his preconceived ideas of how things ought to be, but that was of course something he'd have to work on changing at home, sat comfortably by his window, and not out through the late night rain.

It was as the weather began to worsen that he made it to the shop, illuminating the street corner with bright light, drawing away from the rather pathetic glow of the row of dim streetlights. He quickened his pace to an awkward little run as he dashed for the shelter behind the two automatic front doors, listening to the heavy thudding of rain from behind him. He stood by the entrance of the shop for a moment, brushing his hair back out of his face, and glancing around the shop, finding that he was the only customer, and his only company was a rather tired and agitated looking girl at the counter.

There was little question about the fact that she was glaring at him like him coming inside had been the worst thing that had happened to her all night, still, he offered her a smile regardless, because Matty might have been in the position of faking a somewhat good mood, or just doing enough to appear polite.

In pursuit of avoiding her gaze he made his way down one of the aisles and proceeded to staring absent mindedly at the cartons of milk for a good few minutes: attempting to keep up the pretence that he'd come inside to do more than just hide from the rain, and indeed himself and the places his mind wound up in when he spent late nights alone.

After he'd decided that he'd spent a sufficient amount of time 'browsing' he picked up the first packet of biscuits he saw, which happened to be an off brand pack of chocolate digestives, which were hardly anything worth mentioning, but they'd do - he could put them in the back of a cupboard somewhere and hope that they'd eat them eventually. In all honesty, the biscuits were hardly his biggest concern as he made his way back to the girl at the counter and picked up a packet of cigarettes from the shelf before sliding the two out onto the counter.

This time she decided that he was worth pretending smile at, but they two shared no form of conversation as she scanned his items, only stopping ask him whether he needed a bag, but Matty just settled on shoving the items into his jacket pockets. As he left the shop he found that they fit surprisingly well, and then came to realise that this was actually George's jacket, which was generally quite a bit massive, with massive sleeves and massive pockets.

He couldn't help but feel a slight bit guilty for getting George's jacket wet, and near enough completely soaked, but he'd put it up on the radiator when he got back, and it wasn't like Matty hadn't bought him some cigarettes and some digestive biscuits, was it?

He did feel a little guilty about waking up and leaving without saying a word to George or even leaving him a note, as he knew for a fact that if it was George doing that to him, he'd probably end up in a state, crying on the bathroom floor in about six minutes flat. He hoped that George wouldn't wake up or notice at all, as it was the middle of the night and he had been gone no more than fifteen minutes anyway.

The rain only worsened for the entirety of the journey home, which at least encouraged Matty to pick up the pace a little bit, making it home in half the time the journey there had taken him. In the end, he came to stand in his hallway, fumbling for the lightswitch as he hung George's jacket up to dry, much wetter than had been before, but just that little more okay with himself. Everything had flatlined a little, even out into something more manageable, and the issues that remained prevalent had forms into much more tangible things as opposed to abstractly unpleasant concepts. That had to count the night as a success - a sign of improvement, or something like that.

As he slipped back into his bedroom, relieved to find George still sleeping soundly, he wondered if getting better was just a matter of telling yourself you were until you believed it, because if it was, then he certainly was at least half way there.

He held that thought in his mind as a comfort, setting the biscuits down with the cigarettes at George's side of the bed, before taking his jeans off and finally getting into bed beside George. He slept well that night, with the sound of rainfall only growing heavier through the open window, and the warmth of George's front pressed up against his back.

-

"How many biscuits did you eat?" Matty awoke the next morning with George's arms wrapped tightly around him and the packet of chocolate digestives open on the bed beside them. "And in bed? There's going to be crumbs, George!"

George snorted, pulling away from Matty to let him stretch a little. "A good morning would have been nice." He shrugged, taking note of how Matty's first words to him that day were a complaint about a pack of biscuits. Matty rolled over onto his back, gazing up at the ceiling for a moment and letting his eyes adjust to the bright glow of the morning as George reached for the biscuits, taking another two from the packet, before putting it down onto the bedside table.

"And you're eating more biscuits!" Matty protested, turning his wide eyes to George, who placed one biscuit onto Matty's chest for him, and then continued to eat his own. Despite his continued complaints, Matty proceeding in taking the digestive from where George had rather awkwardly balanced it on his chest, brushing it off a little, and then eating it.

"If you didn't want me to eat any biscuits you shouldn't have bought me any biscuits." George reminded him of what was of course a very good point, before moving so he was lying beside Matty on his back. "I only ate like half the pack anyway. And you had one."

"You had like six!" Matty continued in being so very vocal about the contents of George's diet for the morning. "And not in bed. You are going to clean the crumbs out of bed." He turned, giving George the kind of stern look that caught him off guard, but he reckoned he should have gathered that Matty had been pretty serious about the biscuits ever since it had been the first thing he'd mentioned once he'd woken up.

"Fine." George rolled his eyes, stretching his arms out across their pillows, and accidentally nudging Matty's head in the process of doing so. "So what was it with the biscuits then? Going out at two in the morning with a craving for chocolate digestives? You should have woken me up - I'd have come with you. I don't want you being out in the dark on your own, especially if I don't know where you are."

"Who said I went out at two in the morning?" Matty turned away rather sheepishly: struggling to place just as to how George had so easily figured the truth out.

"You woke me up when you came back, you know?" George began, his voice rather quiet, gentle almost. He couldn't help but notice the way Matty tensed up all over in response, and did his best to put him at ease by moving his fingers through his hair, attempting to help subdue the mess of curls that had fallen across the pillow as he'd slept.

"I... did...?" Matty couldn't help but stutter, stumbling over his words as he hurried to push them through his lips. "I'm sorry." He blushed, wanting so desperately to hide away from George and everything else in the world, but instead finding himself unable to properly focus on anything beside the feeling of George's fingers in his hair.

"It's fine." George assured him, offering Matty a smile and pausing to wait for its return before he continued to speak. "I fell asleep pretty quickly again. What was it though? Why'd you go out and get some biscuits so late at night?" As much as Matty wanted to refrain from answering the question in its entirety, the look in George's eyes was so soft and concerned that Matty felt guilty about just leaving things unanswered.

"I needed some fresh air." He admitted, letting out a half gasp half sigh as he tried to focus on telling the story without getting too caught up in the events of the previous night and in turn, his own head. "I couldn't sleep either, and I ended up smoking like half your pack - I mean you left them out, but I thought I might as well get you another, and then I felt awkward about just buying them... so biscuits happened."

"You should have woken me up." George told Matty what they very much both knew to be true. "I promise you, I wouldn't have minded. We could have gone and got me a new pack of cigs together. You wouldn't have even had to buy the digestives, and then I wouldn't have scoffed them waiting for you to wake up, so then we wouldn't have had crumbs in the bed-"

"George..." Matty let out a groan, curling in on himself and burying his head in his hands. "Stop guilt tripping me about not being a dickhead and waking you up in the middle of the night. It was nothing much really."

George couldn't help but raise his eyebrows, noticing the slight change in pitch of Matty's voice as he did his best to dance awkwardly around the subject. "No offence babe, but that does imply that it's something, does it not?"

Matty groaned, rolling his eyes. "Don't 'babe' me." He complained like he wasn't blushing, like he didn't really love it. "I'm alright. Promise."

George eyed him warily, like he didn't quite believe him, which of course he had reason not to. "What about last night? You were alright then in the end though, weren't you? And you're sure you don't want to talk about it? Because refusing to wake me up sounds an awful lot like you were purposefully trying to avoid talking about it, which for you usually means that you should definitely talk about it."

Matty had to admit that George was also usually right, because he was George and he knew Matty like Matty didn't even know himself sometimes. Of course, there was nothing Matty hated like that, but still nothing else that Matty needed nearly as much. In the end, he decided the best way to deal with his current situation was to change the subject entirely and pray that he was able to postpone the conversation at least.

"You should make me a proper breakfast, you know? Since you scoffed all the biscuits, and I'm hungry." Matty turned on his side to face George, kissing him before he could come back with something else about talking about his feelings, and then continuing to kiss him for long enough so Matty might hope that George had forgotten all about it.

"Nice morning breath." George commented as Matty finally pulled away, unable to prevent himself from laughing as Matty shot him a disgruntled glare. "What? It wasn't like you had to kiss me."

Matty shrugged, rolling his eyes. "Wasn't like you had to eat all the digestives either, was it?" He couldn't help but grin at the fact that subject of talking about his feelings seemed to have evaded George's mind for the time being.

"I didn't eat all of them!" George protested, sitting up a little and beginning to sound even genuinely offended at the accusation.

"Still you ate more of them than me, and you should make me a proper nice breakfast to make up for it." Matty shot him a grin and shoving him slightly to prompt him to get out of bed.

He did so reluctantly, as he rolled his eyes, but in the end, George did oblige. The thing was however, that he certainly hadn't forgotten about the something that had plagued Matty's head the night before, and how he definitely should be talking about it, regardless of what he might think.

-

It was after he'd set a plate of pancakes down on the kitchen table that George chose to bring it up again, hoping that the offer of pancakes might do something to influence Matty more into obliging and listening to what George had to say.

"Shall we talk about it now?" George leaned back in his chair, holding Matty's gaze, and doing his best not to make it immediately that he'd noticed how Matty had suddenly tensed up all over at the mention of it.

Truthfully, Matty would much rather do pretty much anything else than actually talk about things, especially as he'd come to convince himself that the events of last night held very little value at all, but still, there was that look in George's eyes and Matty just couldn't help but trust him, and with that, trust his judgement too.

Matty averted his gaze down to the table, picking at his fingernails and finding really anything in the room to keep his mind occupied with as he struggled to come to find the best way to put things. "I started thinking about things and how everything's different, and I worked myself up because suddenly I got really uncomfortable with the person I was, because I just seemed so unfamiliar somehow."

"Would it piss you off if I tell you that you should have woken me up to talk about it? Because I feel like I've said that a lot." George offered him a smile, watching with a warm kind of concern in his eyes as Matty began to eat some breakfast as opposed to replying. As much as the impatient side to George minded very much, he had to accept that Matty did need to eat and that it was good he was.

"Yeah." Matty eventually replied, leaning back in his chair and pulling one knee up to his chest. He brought one hand up to his head, twirling a strand of his hair around his fingers. "It would. It was just... one of those weird nights, you know?"

"Weird nights." George repeated - his voice slow, and regarding Matty with an overemphasised confusion, counting on the fact that Matty might reply to him. "What do you mean?"

"Where your head gets a bit fucked up." Matty continued, doing his best to avoid George's gaze, and in particular that sad look in his eyes that seemed to split Matty right in two. "For no real reason, you know?"

"Yeah, I guess." George shrugged, adamant not to let Matty brush it all off as nothing, however, for fear that Matty would follow suit when it came to everything he might have needed to talk to George about. "Seems like it was pretty bad for you, though, especially if it kept you up that late."

"Could just make the day up for me, though, couldn't you?" Matty suggested, hitting George with a daring look. "Instead of just bringing it up again and again, so you bring me back there and make me feel shitty again. Could take me out somewhere nice instead. We could have that date, I mean unless you've suddenly got weekend plans."

George's lips turned up into a smile. "That sounds like a nice idea." He leaned forward, closer to Matty. "Do you have any specific requests, or should I just take you wherever?"

"Somewhere nice." Matty added, as if George might take him to the worst place on the planet, like that was something he'd ever have in mind. "Not too many people either, I'm not really feeling the whole people thing today either, if that's alright. I don't mean to be a pain about it, you know?" His face fell into an awkward kind of sad smile.

George met him with a comforting look, reaching across the table and grabbing his hand, which was something Matty just couldn't help but roll his eyes at. "It's fine. You don't have to apologise at all. Don't ever feel like you should."

"You're such a sop, you know that, right?" Matty smirked across at him, unable to stop a blush creeping over his cheeks as he came to imagine just what their day might entail, because as much as George could be ridiculously romantic and affectionate at times, Matty had to admit that he loved it.

"Hey-" George protested, unable to stop himself from blushing too. "I'm taking you on a date, that's lovely of me, isn't it?" He met Matty with a look, prompting him to continue and assure him that yes it was. Rolling his eyes, Matty obliged and nodded across at him. "Remember what you said about proper boyfriends, by the way." George took a sip of his tea, before glancing across at Matty, holding his gaze, unable to prevent himself from finding amusement in the way Matty's cheeks took all of three seconds to turn a vibrant shade of pink.

"I do remember." Matty nodded, attempting to remain as cool and calm about the mention of the word 'boyfriends' as was humanly possible, but of course, because the universe hated him, his voice ended up squeaking, and he managed to stutter, all in the space of three short words.

George nodded, grinning, watching as Matty quickly grew flushed under his gaze. "Does the date have to be good? Do you have to approve of the date to approve of me as your boyfriend?"

"Well, I'm going to be a bit pissed off if it's shit, aren't I? But it's not like I'm judging you as a person based on today, but..." Matty trailed off, letting his lips curl up into a smirk. "Maybe it'd be more fun like that, though." He continued to twirl his hair around his fingers as George sat there, low-key shititng himself, despite the fact that he knew Matty was joking for the most part.

"Matty." George let out a groan, coming to regret even mentioning the idea in the first place.

"What?" Matty exclaimed, as if the whole situation had simply passed right over his head. "I just said it'd be more fun. Oh come on, George, I'm not being properly serious-"

"No." George shook his head, sitting back in his chair, before proceeding to stretch a little. Matty tried not to stare at his biceps. His attempt was very much unsuccessful. Thankfully, however, George really didn't mind at all. "You know what, Matty?"

"Mmm?" Matty raised his eyebrows, pulling his eyes back up to George's face again. George did his best to pretend that he hadn't noticed him staring.

"I'm going all out." George grinned across at him. "It's going to be a fantastic date, and you're going to love it, but it's all going to be a surprise." He watched in amusement as Matty's eyes suddenly widened. "You should get ready, you know? Not fancy though, just casual. I'm not taking you out for like a five hundred pound dinner or something."

"Not after we've just ate breakfast, you're not." Matty insisted, tucking his hair back behind his ears. "Especially since you've had all of those biscuits. Can you even eat anymore food today?"

George rolled his eyes. "Shut up." He leaned back in his chair, watching as Matty finished his cup of tea. "You're such a dickhead, you know that? You're absolutely lovely, but you're such a dickhead."

Matty's face lit up with a smile, seemingly very proud of George's description. "Thank you." He nodded across the table. "You are too."

"I'm taking you on a special surprise date, I don't know how I'm a dickhead in all of this." George retorted, making much more of a point out of being offended than was necessary, because really, George wasn't all that fussed at all.

"Let's pretend I didn't practically tell you too." Matty made what was actually a very good point, but still, George definitely had the right kind of sentiment about things, and perhaps it was that which really counted for something.

"Yeah." George nodded, laughing a little. "Let's pretend."

Matty rolled his eyes, stretching out against his chair and watching as George got up from the table and began to make some sort of vague attempt at clearing things away. Really, he felt as if he ought to be helping in some way, but George hadn't prompted him to do so and Matty was more than prepared to remain sitting staring at George for a few minutes. Him not asking it of Matty might have had something to do with the whole 'making me feel shitty about last night' comment Matty had thrown in earlier, which was perhaps something that Matty should have felt a little guilty about, but he was more than prepared to ignore it.

He sat instead, searching through his head, for the slightest hint of a suggestion as to what George might have planned, or really come up with in the space of two minutes, for them for the day. It had to have stemmed from something someone had said to him recently - in fact, Matty wouldn't have even been surprised if George had been texting Ross under the table as they'd eaten breakfast.

Regardless of where it had all come from though, Matty definitely appreciated it wholeheartedly, along with the opportunity to finally properly refer to George as his boyfriend, because maybe he was a pathetic romantic type like that too.

-

The sky was a sort of unrealistic, unachievable shade of blue that Matty couldn't bring himself to fully believe in. With his head rested against the car window beside the passenger seat, he let his eyes flicker closed once again: fading in and out of conscious as the world wrapped itself around him. Everything smelled like George with him sat driving beside him, and his jumper in Matty's lap, and his things all over the car, and of course, a little bag of weed in the glove compartment because George was an idiot like that.

Matty's head spun around with bright shades of summer blue - a sky that might be worth looking at for once in his life, the warm glow of sunlight through the window, sending an odd tingling sensation onto his skin. He sat there, feigning sleep and a general lack of consciousness as his ears caught onto the sound of George mumbling on quietly along to the song on the radio - something Matty didn't recognise, but something that George apparently did.

George had also been yet to give him the slightest hint of a clue as to what this all amounted to, especially with a car journey that had already gone on for much longer than Matty had anticipated it being. If he had known George had planned on driving for upwards of forty minutes, he might have brought his headphones, or a book or something. At the very least the circumstances of the previous night and the little amount of sleep he'd gotten in consequence, had made it very easy for him to doze off, even with his neck curving uncomfortably as he pressed his head up against the window.

As Matty opened his eyes again, the world faded back in around him as if it had very little hurry in doing so: everything appearing awfully fuzzy and blurred at first - colours too bright, and the contrast on everything far too high. He zoned back in again on George's fingers, and the way he tapped them gently on the top of the steering wheel, stretching back against the seat as they stood in traffic for a moment. Matty listened to the sounds of cars rushing past, growing slowly louder over the radio as the song ended and faded out, along with George's voice, which had drifted out to a mumble, and then a hum, and then nothingness.

"Are you planning on kidnapping me or something?" Matty began, seeming to near enough give George a heart attack, as he turned around in his seat, face turning bright red, as he evidently had thought Matty to be asleep, which had likely been why he'd ended up singing along to the radio. Matty couldn't help but find it awfully sweet really. "I mean, how long have we been driving now? Seven hours?"

"Thirty five minutes." George corrected him, meeting Matty with nervous kind of smile, taking in his legs folded up awkwardly as he leaned back against the car door. "Thought you fell asleep. You should get some sleep, you know? You didn't get much last night."

Matty smirked, stretching his legs out and up onto the dashboard, which George thought to protest against, but only rolled his eyes in response to, accepting that his protests would be unlikely to get him anywhere. "Was that why you were singing?"

George blushed a proper bright red. It was really quite comical, or at least Matty definitely thought so. From the look held in George's eyes however, it was likely that he really might have disagreed.

"Don't let me interrupt you." Matty exclaimed, gasping a little in mock horror at the notion of George stopping singing. "It was quite nice, really." Matty admitted - not even over exaggerating slightly this time. "You've got a lovely voice."

George scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Matty, as well as you might mean, we both know you'd tell me I have a beautiful fingernail." He glanced across at Matty with a look - the two just as well aware of the fact that George was right. Still, Matty would argue that it didn't detract from his compliment at all.

"I bet you do have a beautiful fingernail, though." Matty offered, glancing across at George's hands on the steering wheel, and although he found himself much more fixated by George's long fingers and his hands in general, he had to admit that his fingernails were pretty nice too.

"There we go." George shook his head in disbelief, turning to Matty and meeting him with a smile.

"What does that mean?" Matty shot him a glance, almost offended, but more so confused and slightly amused by the situation. Overall, a little bit drowsy, with his head still pressed up against the window.

"It's just that I think you might be very biased, you know?" George explained, unable to halt the hammering of his heart in his chest as Matty closed his eyes: long lashes fluttering gracefully against his cheeks, reddening slightly, although more of a slight pink than a proper red blush. "I think, that realistically, my singing voice is really kind of shit."

"I think you're just saying that to prove a point." Matty insisted, stretching his arms out behind his head, and adjusting the way he was leaning against the window to press his head back into his arms. "I'm certain of it." Through it all, he kept his feet up on the dashboard, and his eyes closed, as he was really rather content in his current position, and the moment itself: the extended moment of being there, in George's car, the two of them, on a journey that seemed to have no clear destination or end. Matty reckoned there was something special about that.

"Are you now?" George raised his eyebrows, meeting Matty with a questioning smile. Matty let out a muffled little sound of agreement as he turned his head back to face the window. George did want to prompt more for him, but he looked a beautiful kind of peaceful like that, and he reckoned he just didn't have it within himself to disturb him like that.

George ended up leaving Matty like that for the next half an hour or so, because as much as he did want to just chat shit to him for the rest of their lives, Matty needed his sleep, and it wasn't like George didn't think Matty was a whole new kind of beautiful when he slept. He had planned to leave Matty like that for the rest of the journey, especially as they were definitely getting closer, nearly there, or at least they should have been, if George hadn't managed to fuck up somehow somewhere.

He wasn't lost. He definitely wasn't lost. George definitely had a sense of direction, thank you very much. He definitely knew exactly where he was headed, and he definitely didn't have any issues with doing it, and safely getting the two of them there. He was just getting a little agitated with it all.

"Fuck." He cursed, leaning back in his seat, peering awkwardly out of the window to do his best to get a glimpse of the road signs before they whizzed past them. "Fucking hell." His voice grew louder, as did his drumming of his fingers against the steering wheel - very much impatient with the whole situation.

"What?" Matty's voice startled him, or perhaps even the both of them as it came out as a half garbled mess, with his eyes slowly fixating upon George and the rather disgruntled look set across his face. "What's going on?" He pulled a hand up and pushed his hair back out of his face, before he stretched his legs out and moved so he was sat upright in his seat.

George was still yet to respond. Matty took his silence as an opportunity to use his initiative and glanced around, following George's gaze out of the windows and towards the road signs. He put that together with the persistent drumming of his fingertips against the steering wheel, and the nervous kind of look set deep in his eyes.

"Are you lost?" He broke into a smile, watching the way George flushed a deep shade of red in response. "Oh my god, George." Matty wasn't fussed at all, as George had imagined that he might have been, but was instead just so very amused by the whole situation. "Do you want my help? Because I would help, but I have no idea where we're going, do I?"

George rolled his eyes, pulling his gaze away from Matty and focusing on the road for a minute longer. The two sat in silence as Matty attempted to fully wake up, taking in their surroundings and wondering if he could help somewhat from them. It was as he began to read the road signs that he realised that they really had travelled quite the way from home, which certainly hadn't been what Matty had originally thought George had meant by going all out.

"Jesus, George." He commented, turning his head backwards to properly catch another road sign before it whizzed past them and faded into a blur of nothingness amongst the vast expanse of motorway stretching out behind them. "Where exactly are we going? Why are we going so far?"

"I'm not spoiling the surprise." George insisted, his voice barely more than an agitated mutter as he kept his gaze fixated sternly upon the road, which was really what he should have been doing, since he was driving, after all.

"There's not going to be a surprise if we don't get there." Matty reminded him, irritating George a little, who couldn't help but finding himself searching for a degree of arrogance in Matty's tone, even when it was barely there at all. "There's not." He continued, eyes growing softer as he read George's response from his body language: the way his shoulders tensed up, and he curled in on himself, his face reddening as his gaze was set so firmly upon one spot that he couldn't really be looking at anything at all.

"We're not fucking lost." George exclaimed, letting out a sigh that seemed to instantly relieve all the tension held throughout his body. "I've just gone the wrong way, and we'll be fine in a minute." He assured Matty, well in all honesty, he was doing a much better job of assuring himself of that fact than he was Matty, who continued to watch him with an ever increasing degree of skepticism.

"You've gone the wrong way..." Matty nodded, grinning at George. "Because you're lost." George rolled his eyes, letting out a particularly over exaggerated sigh in response.

"I'm not lost-" George protested, or at least attempted to, because the thing was that he really didn't get that far, as Matty's voice rather quickly came in to cut him off.

"You're lost." There wasn't the slightest hint of a questioning tone in Matty's voice anymore. He leant forward in his seat and peered out of the window, attempting to get a better idea of where they were and where they might be going. "Come on, where are we going? I'll get it up on my phone-"

"I don't need directions." George insisted, attempting to keep up the pretence that this was a well planned and coordinated date in any shape, way, or form. Of course, however, George really did need directions, but he wasn't letting his pride down that easily.

Matty just stared at George: entirely unimpressed. As it became obvious that George had little else to say for himself, Matty decided to take the initiative of reaching towards George's pocket and grabbing his phone out of it himself.

"Hey!" George retorted, glancing across at Matty with wide eyes that held quite a well perfected look of confusion. "What are you doing?" He reached across back towards his phone, gesturing for Matty to place it back in his palm.

"Eyes on the road." Matty insisted, raising his voice as he moved George's phone out of his reach. "If you get us into a car crash and kill me that's going to be really unromantic, I'm telling you that now, so keep your eyes on the road, alright."

George huffed, desperate to argue further, but really, Matty was right about the whole not killing them thing, so he obliged for the time being, watching nervously out of the corner of his eye as Matty somehow managed to unlock his phone within seconds. "How do you- I never told you my passcode!" He wasn't sure how offended he was supposed to be by this all, as he struggled to comprehend just how Matty might have managed to obtain that bit of information so easily.

"It's your own birth year, it's not particularly hard to guess." Matty rolled his eyes, opening the maps app and looking through George's search history, because surely he'd had a vague look at where this place was before setting off, but Matty did sit there, half prepared for George's lack of organisation to shock him once more. "Oh."

"What?" George asked, his tone a little nervous as he continued to glance at the road signs that they passed. "What does 'oh' mean?" Matty's hesitance in answering his question really wasn't helping with the level of anxiety building inside George at all.

"Look." Matty put George's phone down on the dashboard and leaned forward, gesturing to a road turning off the main motorway. "You've missed the turn off, but you can go that way, it's like..." He glanced back down at George's phone. "Another fifteen minutes, but we'll get there."

"To the..." George began, anxious that Matty was yet to comment upon his destination of choice, and how his every plan to make it this wonderful surprise that Matty would wake up to was now ruined.

"Seaside." Matty finished for him, curling his lips up into a smile.

"And?" George blushed, attempting to gauge Matty's response, as he followed his instructions and turned off the motorway where Matty had pointed out for him. "What do you think?"

Matty blushed as he leaned back in his seat. "Cute. You could have picked somewhere closer though, I don't really like car journeys." He added, as if George had asked for constructive criticism on his date planning.

"Wanted it to be something interesting, you know? Make this day better." George told him, turning the radio up again now that Matty was awake again and they were safely unlost, or so they were sure. "Thought you'd like that more than just going somewhere you've been a million times before."

Matty nodded, coming to appreciate the surprising amount of thought that George had apparently put into this. "Yeah, I get you. That's really sweet actually."

"Would have been better if it was a surprise." George let out a great sigh of disappointment, horribly agitated with himself that he'd managed to get fucking lost on this one journey, of all journeys. "I could have got on the way back, that would have been fine, but not on the way there."

"It's fine." Matty assured him, reaching up and pulling his hair back into a bun. He bit his lip as he caught his reflection in the side mirror, brushing a few stray curls out of his face. "I really appreciate it, you know? Thank you. I had a shitty night last night, even though I said it was alright, it really wasn't. Don't make me talk about it though, please." He shot George a begging look, to which George nodded, settling for the calm and peaceful atmosphere they settled into together. "Thank you for this."

"It's alright." George did at first try to hide his blush, reckoning that it might have been a little bit pathetic, but as he glimpsed a very similar shade of red upon Matty's face too, he came to accept that maybe there was little use in hiding it at all. "You're welcome." He added, feeling as if his previous response might have been a little on the pathetic side.

"There we go." Matty broke into a grin, hiding his face behind his hands. "Proper boyfriend material, that isn't it? I get a 'you're welcome' and everything."

He couldn't help but stumble a little as he pushed the words out, attempting to convey that he might have been much more casual about this all than he actually was. He didn't imagine that he was fooling George in the slightest, but still, it seemed to count for something.

George's cheeks only grew redder in response, the words 'proper boyfriend' really striking a chord in him. "You do." He nodded, grinning almost obscenely wide. "You do."

-

The world seemed to shimmer in shades of white and gold - not excessively so, not with a falsified shine, but with the natural glow of the rays of the sun and the warmth of the world, on perhaps the one day so far that year when the weather was more than just a pathetic excuse for what it should have been. The day felt too good, like it was held together so perfectly that eventuality would only call for everything to fall back down into pieces any time soon. Perhaps it was that which had him holding George's hand tighter as the two walked through the town and down towards the beach.

Their pace was slow, in no way of a hurry to get there as the early afternoon settled in comfortably around them. As much as this was a new place and far from where they'd grown up, Matty couldn't help but feel as if he belonged right there, in that very day and that very moment, with the gentle breeze against his skin and George right beside him.

He felt more at ease, as if he really was his own skin and bones, and not just a heavy heart and tired eyes hidden away inside himself. Perhaps it was down to how much quieter the place was - just a little seaside town, with long streets of houses gleaming white in the sun, extended boardwalks and overpriced ice cream, and people sweating and sunburnt lobster red in no more than twenty degrees of heat. It was the comforting kind of quaint - something Matty might have once recognised from a picture book, setting his heart to a steady, gentle rhythm in his chest, even as he interlocked his fingers with George's, walking down the street in broad daylight.

It was a bit ridiculous, really. Yet despite himself such worries had spent a sizeable amount of time at the forefront of Matty's mind, especially recently, as things escalated, and especially that day, as they become what Matty had called 'proper boyfriends'. The thing was that Matty would argue that he was now decently comfortable and confident with his sexuality, but that only when as far as with himself and his close circle of friends. It was very much a different story when it came to other people, to the rest of the world, to the odd looks people gave them on the street sometimes.

He never wanted to let it get to him, because if it didn't get to him then it was all pointless for them and that was justice in a way, but he couldn't help it sometimes. He couldn't help the hammering of his heart in his chest: banging desperately against his ribcage for a way to escape and leap right up his throat, out of his mouth, to fall out onto the pavement before him. He definitely wasn't one for defining himself to fit into the ideals of strangers and random people on the street, but there was no way around the fact that people said things sometimes, and that Matty wasn't very good at not taking things personally.

Matty couldn't quite figure as to whether it was the town, and the seclusion that had almost wrapped the two of them in a blanket of anonymity - a town where no one knew them, a place they never had to come back to. Or the events of the previous night, the conclusions he'd managed to reach inside his own bed, the digestive biscuits, the crumbs they left in bed, and the apologetic smile on George's face that morning. Or perhaps the sentiment of it all - the way George seemed to always understand him in ways that Matty forever found himself growing to trust more and more. Perhaps last year George had been the person he'd wanted, but this time around George was the person he needed. Perhaps it was that really setting in along with an unfathomably blue horizon and the smell of the sea so real and indisputable on the air.

George watched as a large grin set over Matty's face. Confused as to what had caused it, he followed Matty's gaze out across to the horizon, but struggled to find much of significance beyond the horizon, and the way the sea so gradually faded out in the blue of the skyline. "What is it?" He wondered aloud, running a hand back through his hair and taking another glance around, this time even squinting a little.

"What do you mean?" Matty turned to George: yet to quite catch onto what he had been referring to, as he'd only just managed to drag himself properly down and out of his own head, and the peaceful ephemera of his thoughts and the neat little rows of houses that surrounded them on either side of the street.

"That smile." George turned back to face him, watching as Matty's smile faltered slightly and his cheeks filled with a warm shade of pink.

Matty's face contorted in an expression of embarrassment, attempting to avoid his blush, growing ever brighter on his cheeks, and the way George's eyes held his gaze so firmly through it out all. "What?" He retorted comically. "Am I not allowed to smile now?"

"That's not what I meant." George rolled his eyes, letting out a pathetically nasally. excuse for a laugh. "I was wondering what made you smile like that. You had that look in your eyes - the one when you're really happy. You don't get it as much as you should, I like seeing it, I like seeing you happy."

Matty scoffed, attempting to hide his ever reddening face behind his hair, but finding that he wasn't exactly succeeding in his endeavours. "Shut up." He groaned, feeling George's eyes so very reluctant to leave his face. He had that look in them like he wanted to kiss him, and Matty couldn't deny that he recognised it instantly.

It took him what was quite a great deal longer than instantly however to bring himself to address it. He hated the way he glanced so anxiously around him, only turning back to George when he was wholeheartedly content in the fact that no one was looking at them or showing them any particular interest or attention. As he did so, he couldn't help but wish for a world in which he didn't have to do that, where the thought wouldn't even cross his mind, but this was a good day, one of his best, and he couldn't wish for the entire world and expect to receive it all entirely intact.

Then, with the breeze blowly back through his hair, and his fingers trembling slightly, that he reached up and pulled George into kiss him. It was gentle, slow, but still over before Matty could really comprehend what was going on.

As the two parted, George looked down at Matty with an understanding in his eyes, like one kissed had managed to speak for their entire world, and as they stood there, much more within each other than anything else, even as they stood physically apart, Matty understood on levels that just weren't enough words in the English language to allow him to express.

"You make me happy." Matty muttered, his words like breath against a cold window - condensation on a winter's day, but it was May going on June, and his breath wasn't cold anymore.

Still, George relinked their fingers, understanding wholeheartedly. "You make me happy too." He added in response, watching the way Matty's eyes darted up to meet his, to then regard him softly, yet nervously, a little like a startled deer. "Does proper boyfriends start now?" He asked, running a hand back through his hair absent mindedly.

"Proper boyfriends started ages ago really." Matty admitted, letting the most vibrant of blushes set in upon his face.

"Did it now?" George raised his eyebrows: his tone much more calm and collected than he was inside. As in reality, it was something close to fireworks that were exploding inside of his chest.

"Yeah." Matty nodded, reaching up and tying his hair back out of his face. "It did." He assured him, taking George's hand back in his as they continued to walk down the street, letting the world set in around them like it was nothing more than an old friend: beautiful in shades of white, blue, and gold.

-

They'd gone off in search of somewhere more secluded, away from the mess of tourists, and families of five, clustered across the main front of the beach, set down on the golden sand with their abhorrently gaudy beach towels and sun burnt chests, with little kids running off and playing the gentle waves. Matty had quite literally dragged George down past an outcrop of rocks and along to a more secluded bay a little way down the shoreline. The dragging related to the fact that through this all, Matty had been very reluctant when it came to letting go of George's hand.

As much as George didn't much like being pulled on ahead as he dragged behind, whilst carrying all of their stuff, not to mention, he still found it awfully endearing, although to some degree, he was certain that was just Matty that he found quite so lovely.

Soon enough, they sat down under the shade of the rocks that loomed in a half eroded cliff face overhead, George dumping their bags down beside Matty, before stretching his legs out across the sand. This area of the beach had closed itself off into a small little bay, that was just as awkwardly shaped as it had been awkward to get to: making their way over rocks, and over dodgy winding pathways. It was overall quite small, with no more than ten metres between the lapping waves of the tide and the steep ascent of the cliff face at the back of the bay, and not much further lengthways, but it was certainly more than enough for the two of them and their own company.

Matty sat back against the rocks, letting his head fall back into the shade, as George stretched his body out across the sand, stopping for a minute to take his shirt off, which might have been entirely unnecessary, considering that it was still England, and although abnormally good weather, still just the end of May. The fact of the matter was however that regardless of technicalities, Matty definitely didn't have any complaints of any form in regards to George lying there shirtless beside him.

"Not to be incredibly gay or anything, but..." Matty began, reaching over into his bag for his sunglasses and putting them on, only to decide that they didn't make all that much difference at all, and instead pushing them up over onto the top of his head.

"Mhmm?" George queried, peering over at Matty, finding that the words 'incredibly gay' had certainly piqued his interest.

Matty took a moment to stare at George's chest, almost seeming to glisten ridiculous in the sunlight, before continuing. "But... you should take your shirt off all the time."

George let out a groan, reaching his hands up to bury his face in them, even going as far as to roll over onto his front and hide his chest from Matty's 'incredibly gay' gaze. "Fuck off." He protested, sitting up a little as he rubbed his eyes, meeting Matty with a defeated expression as he sat there giggling, no less.

"It's true." Matty argued, smirking across at George, who made quite the point of turning around so Matty didn't make any more horribly embarrassing comments about his chest. Matty knew how best to respond to his, of course. "Your back's nice too. Fuck, I love your shoulderblades-"

"Matty." George seemed close to punching himself in the face as he moved closer to his boyfriend, grabbing him by the hand and pulling him out onto the sand next to him. "You're disgusting." He told him, before promptly kissing him, going all out and practically eating his face off. Matty couldn't help but find a great amusement in the irony of that.

For a while after that, the two lay together, in the peace and silence of a shared solitude, and watching the sun begin its descent from midday to afternoon, and how the world around them didn't seem to grow darker, but instead began to burn in shades of yellow and orange, soon to set shadows and reflections across the water as the sun began to fall in the sky. As perpetual and magical as it did seem to be, the day was a day like any other, and the sun would set as it had always done, the day would end like it always would, and they'd get up and get home as they always had.

Matty had expected that he might find comfort in that, and the monotonous reliability of it all, but this time around he couldn't say that for himself at all. He wanted this all to last for ever, to lock himself away inside the world, and his own vision of it in that particular moment, in the steady rise and fall of George's chest, and his head against it. In the gentle rise and fall of the tide, lapping and out of the shore. He felt like he might bury himself there underneath the sun and die a happy death, but in the same breath he could only dream of so much more to live for, and his heart beginning to race in his chest as the wind picked up and a colder chill washed over them.

It seemed to rouse George a little, who'd drifted almost half off to sleep for a moment there. "Mmm..." He stretched out, accidentally elbowing Matty in the face as he did so, which was all in all, very romantic, of course. "Fuck... sorry..." He sat up, rubbing his eyes, unable to stop a smile from settling over as his lips as Matty continued to glare at him, making quite the point out of doing so.

"You're an idiot." Matty told him, glancing up at the sky, and watching the skies turn a dull grey out of what seemed to be nowhere at all. "Fuck... it looks like it's going to rain, doesn't it?"

George nodded, following Matty's gaze up to the sky, and mentally cursing himself for not even bothering to check the weather for that day, because really, with how nice it had been earlier, it had always just been coming. "Looks like it." He agreed, reaching for his shirt and pulling it back over his head. He returned to watch the sky for a minute or so, losing himself up in his own head for a short while before he continued. "Do you think we should go?"

Matty gave a short nod. "Mmm... probably." He shrugged, getting to his feet, reaching one hand out against the rocks to support himself as he did so. "Shame, though."

"Yeah." George gave a nod, looking out across to the horizon. "This was a good day, though, wasn't it?" He turned back to Matty, swallowing his own breath as he awaited his response.

"Course." Matty gave a nod of reassurance. "The best." His lips turned up into a smile. "Only the best."

-

It properly started raining on the journey back, with Matty's head against the car window in much the same way he had been before, eyes however, focused on the front window, on the raindrops rolling down the glass, only to be washed away by the windscreen wipers every few moments. The radio was on louder this time, but George wasn't singing along, much more conscious of Matty's eyes: wide and open, watching the whole world pass them by as the skies finally began to darken.

It had been a good day: the kind that left Matty's heart unable to settle in his chest. There was a buzzing feeling throughout his veins, stretching to his bones, and he figured that this might be what it meant to feel so alive and in love with the world all at once. He yearned to feel like this forever, for the rest of his time, for the rest of time itself. Perhaps growing up was coming to accept that things like that didn't usually happen. But perhaps growing to live with yourself was coming to accept that nothing could happen if you didn't believe.

Matty had stumbled awkwardly into adulthood. It had always been so. He'd tripped over his own feet, and struggled to stretch out and grow into his own shoes, with shirt sleeves, too long and draping down past his fingertips. Everything evened out in the end though, and Matty had really come to appreciate that the world just had an awful knack for putting itself back together no matter how much you stretched it out and no matter how many pieces you broke it into.

This day had been more than a date, more than the start of proper boyfriends, more than a day to pinpoint as the real beginning of his life, more than beautiful skylines and smiles that were more beautiful still. It was instead a turning point, the realisation that things did work if you let them, and that there wasn't always one path to take and one way to get out of the woods in the end. It was learning to value the trust in others, and learning to value himself, learning to fit into his own shoes and say 'I love you' like he meant it with his entire soul, because now he felt that his soul was finally in enough of a state to mean anything at all.

"Thank you." Matty's words drifted into the air with more ease than he could ever imagine they would.

George pricked up at that, glancing sideways momentarily in recognition of the words having left Matty's lips. "For what?"

"Everything." Matty muttered in response, letting his eyelids flicker closed before George could even have the chance to respond or ask him to explain. It was in the moments of silence that followed that George came to accept that overall, in the end, he understood.

The day ended as it had started, with the two of them curled up around each other in bed, the packet of cigarettes on the nightstand, and Matty with far too much to say about the crumbs George had left in bed. The thing was that this time around, this night, Matty didn't sit up smoking alone, and the only thoughts his mind carried on past midnight were kept in his dreams. Two that morning saw nothing but closed eyes and sleepy smiles and the night was a good one.

It wasn't proper boyfriends that had changed things, it wasn't the date that had changed things, but what that all really did mean. That came in feelings and colours across their hearts and minds that didn't quite translate into words - it came in the form of everything, too raw, too real for anyone else to quite understand.

What Matty did understand that this was it - this was how everything really did change now. This was the change for good, this was really his own life, built in the most beautiful colours, painted in an idealistic caricature of his own image. This was feeling excitement for the morning, and yearning for an infinite number of tomorrows to lounge around in - just the two of them, forever more.

-

hey guys

hope u enjoyed

pls vote and comment if u did

i would appreciate

I'm gay

for this

for everything

raughy is real

lov u !!!