The cafeteria adjacent to the soccer field was empty, save for a couple of senior students loitering around with a half-eaten plate of French fries. That was us—my childhood friend and me, too full to finish our snacks and yet too emotional to go home. We both knew there was something we still had to talk about and it was not going to be an easy conversation. This was the kind of conversation that could end our friendship if we didn't tread carefully. God help us!

"Rinjani," he looked at me with his signature puppy eyes. "Is it true that you are leaving? I've heard rumors about you getting scholarships to the United States, but I didn't want to believe it until today. Why are you—"his voice lowered to just a tad above a whisper. "Why are you hesitant to tell me yourself? Why wait until the very last day of high school? Are you afraid of my reaction? Rin, if that's what's been troubling you, then I—"

"Come here," I signaled for him to move closer. Close enough for us to kiss if only I was that brave of a girl. I wasn't, so instead I gave him a tight hug and, caught unprepared, he awkwardly held onto the sides of my waist, as if he wanted to pull me up and twist me around in the air. This was of course the real life and not a fairy tale, so he didn't do any of that Prince Charming stuff.

"I didn't mean to hide this big news from you, Goenawan." I didn't dare to look at his face and he didn't try to make me, either. "It was just that I didn't want to make our last months of high school tinged with sadness, you get me? I wanted you to enjoy them to the fullest. If you had known earlier about my upcoming journey to the United States, you won't be able to focus on being in the moment and you won't be able to focus on our final exams too, understand?"

"I suppose you're right," he shrugged and loosened his grip on me. "Still, I wish you had been honest with me. It really hurts that I found out from others and not from the girl herself. I forgive you but I don't know if moving forward I can trust that you're not hiding anything else from me. It hurts, Rin. It hurts so much!" he winced and turned away, gazing at the green grasses behind.

This dramatic boy. Goena was lucky I loved him—a fact I wouldn't learn of until way later—or I would have smacked him right then, right there for being such a theatrical guy. Instead of smacking him, I just sighed and told him how sorry I was. He didn't say anything in return but I didn't need his reply, anyway. He said enough with his piercing silence. He said all he needed to.

---

January 2nd 2015

Dear diary or whatever sappy line damsels in distress (not that I am one) write on their journals,

That flipping dream again! Actually, by now I am not even sure if it is a dream so much as a resurfacing memory. Given the content of the dream, I probably should even call it a recurring nightmare. Ever since I was forcibly removed from my campus (I'm not ready to tell you all the details, maybe I will once the wounds heal) and was told to return to Jakarta, my sleeps are not restful. Goena is like a ghost, haunting me in my own bedroom. Actually, he could very well be a literal ghost. Try as I might, I haven't been able to get in touch with him ever since our high school graduation. Yes, we lost contact. Yes, I was heartbroken. No, I don't think he misses me.

You see, diary, the truth is that I mi—

I stop writing when the sunlight that dances on the pages of my diary becomes too unbearably bright. Frick this, I should have remembered not to leave my curtains open before I go to sleep.

I don't bother checking my phone to see how much I've slept in and how long I have been writing. It must be several hours past breakfast because my younger brother is busy on the treadmill (he is always so loud on that darn equipment, bless his heart) and our family's loyal housemaid just knocked on my door. Great, the woman's gonna lecture me about not waking up.

"It's unlocked, Yani!" I yell with my head still on my pillow and one eye closed. "And if you're here to ask if I'm hungry, the answer is no. Tell Dad not to fuss over me too much."

"But you need to eat, Miss. Your dad worries about you since all you've eaten since yesterday was a bowl of apple salad and some kernels of popcorns. That's not going to fill you up."

"I'm fine, Yani, go back to washing dishes or something. Go check on Rahmat, maybe? Make sure he dumps his gym clothes in the laundry bin after working out, I don't need want to see his stinky and sweaty sports shit on the bathroom floor. He's so disgusting, I give up."

"Alright, Miss, if you insist on not eating," my maid replies in a resigned tone. "I'm going to put the fried rice and sunny-side-up in the microwave for you in case you change your mind. Oh, and please don't give up on your brother, Miss, boys his age are gross but he will grow up, trust me."

"How would you know?" I yawn and push my blanket off my feet. "About boys, I mean."

"I have two sons, remember? Plus, didn't your friend Goenawan use to be the grossest boy ever? Your words, not mine. You used to think that he had awful hygiene, especially after pencak silat. Hey, speaking of, are you still practicing self-defense or have you been stopping with practices ever since college? And not to pry, but why are you taking a leave of absence from college?"

"Okay, first of all, I'm not so certain if Goena is even friends with me at this point. Secondly, it is different having a gross little brother and a gross boy-next-door. Third, and I am so tired of having to remind you, I'm not taking a leave of absence so much as I was asked to drop out. Technically, it was voluntary, but I'd be lying if I told you I'm not salty about this situation."

"But what do you have to feel depressed about, Miss Rinjani? Your dad loves you and your little brother too. Heck, I love you. Old, stupid Yani loves you. You've got a nice life, so why?"

"Yani, you are not old and you are not stupid!" I finally get up and tied my hair back into a low ponytail. My maid chuckles lightheartedly and I scoff in response. "Yeah, yeah, laugh at me and my sleepy ass. You think I'm being ungrateful about my life, hm? I don't blame you. You couldn't have known how difficult it was being an international student in America, I see."

"That's true, Miss, I know very little about America. All I know is that it is very far from here and it is cold, if the Christmas movies we watch every holiday seasons are to be trusted. By the way, I have to go and water the plants in the yard. You better get some food in your tummy."

As Yani hurries downstairs to do her maid-related duties, I can't help but wonder what she does know about the United States. For people like her, and I don't mean this in a demeaning way but in an "obviously, duh" way, America must seems like a land straight out of a folklore where everything is easy-peasy-lemon-squeeze or at least bigger and better and fabulous. Unfortunately for me, that was not the case. Despite this fact, however, my dad is adamant that I have to go back. He does not care about my explanation that my depression could impact my academic performance. He only cares that I finish my undergraduate education at all costs, depression be damned. So here goes nothing, right? But what kind of colleges will give me a second chance?