January 5th 2015

For the first time since November 2014, I finally dreamt of a nice scenery instead of being haunted by my wishful thinking of reconnecting with my long lost childhood friend. Last night I had a dream about a corn field hidden behind the woods surrounding Anne Kitrinos College. As typical of Lionheart County, there were only yellow corns and their dark green leaves for miles and miles, save for a few caterpillars and scattered crunchy autumn foliage on the ground. In that dream, I was burying my face in my hands and thinking about an upcoming Political Science test I felt so underprepared for. I was about to tear off an autumn leaf when I heard a cat meowing and when I looked up I saw a blonde girl with a petite frame smiling down on me with affection.

"What's going on, Rin? I couldn't find you at the dorm, so I figured you must be out in your favorite hiding spot. I know you're sad, but what I don't know is why!" she pouted as she handed me the cat, who purred contentedly in my lap. "This has something to do with missing your family, right? Or your handsome boyfriend for that matter. You have a boyfriend, right?" she pried with a mischievous grin. "I thought so. Why else would you have a picture of him on your desk? I get you, though. Long distance relationships can be very tough, but you can do this."

"Hazel Licht, I've told you a million times that he is NOT my boyfriend!" I shoved her lightly and she kept on grinning. "He's just a shy guy I grew up with and the reason I have a photo of him is because that's the only one I have where he willingly looked at the camera. I think of him every day and am always praying for him, just like people who grow up together do. What don't you understand?" I huffed as I watched the cat stretched on my lap before it got up to run after a field mouse. "And why are you invested in my non-existent love life? Don't you have yours?"

"I mean, some dudes from the floor above us have tried to flirt with me." Hazel laughed before turning her face away. "But I'm not here to be flirted with. I just want to get my degree free of distraction. By the way, you still haven't told me what's on your mind, Rin. Speak up."

"I do miss my family and that guy, but it's not enough to make me spend hours sitting here in the middle of nowhere." I adjusted my pashmina scarf and blew on my hands before rubbing them together. Hazel pulled a pair of gloves from her sweaters' pockets and I accepted them gratefully. "Hey, thanks, you're a great roommate. Anyway, like I said, it's not about my family or my childhood friend. I'm simply stressed about the upcoming midterms. I haven't been able to keep my grades above a godamn B- this past few months and I'm worried that I will—"

"You're worried that you will need to step down from the Honors program and have your scholarships rescinded. I don't think it's gonna happen, Rin. Stay positive!" Hazel gave me a hug. I hugged her back and sighed. She was the brightest girl I have ever known in our dormitory and I rarely saw her studying—she spent a huge amount of her time chilling and playing various free RPGs on her iPhone—and yet she has never failed an exam. If only we could swap brains.

"How can I stay positive when my family is counting on me to not lose my scholarships, Hazel? If my grades don't improve and if, God forbid, they fall below C+, it's gonna be the end for me. No offense, but you're an American born and raised, you don't share my strugg—"

"Watch it!" her eyes shone with an emotion I couldn't describe. It wasn't wrath but it wasn't disgust either. Maybe it was her being quietly indignant. "Rinjani, although it's true that I'm not a foreigner I did come from a poor agricultural town and am now working three fucking jobs to support myself through college. I've got my challenges too but I've never talked about them because I get that you're already under so much self-inflicted pressure without me adding more."

"I'm sorry..." I didn't dare to lift my eyes to meet hers. "It wasn't my intention to question your grits and resilience. I'm just so worried that this semester isn't going well for me. Sorry."

"Let me ask you something serious, Rin. Do you love living in Ohio?" Hazel put an arm around me and squeezed my shoulder. "Maybe subconsciously you want to go back home and you're sabotaging yourself to find a way to return. It's just my theory. So, do you love it here or not?"

"I—of course I love Ohio! What's not to love? I especially am in awe with Lionheart County and the farmlands from which we get our foods. The villagers are extra friendly and I love that rustic coffeehouse down the street with their grilled cheese and sweet lattes and foam art and I—"

"Yes, I can see that. But don't you complain a lot about the snow, Rin? And the depressing winter where it gets dark before 6 pm? You're a girl from a tropical country, so I'm guessing you must miss your sunny archipelago and its rainforests. It's normal. Don't deny it, girlfriend."

"I'm not denying anything!" I stomped my feet and Hazel's eyes twitched. "I like the life I have here, despite the cold and everything. You gotta take the bad with the good, as they say."

"Well, okay, if you said so." Hazel shrugged before looking at me with an oddly inscrutable expression. "I don't want to see anything unfortunate befall you but this is why I'm warning you to be careful, you got me? Rin, self-fulfilling prophecy is a real thing. Call me spiritual or whatever, but I know what I'm saying. If you think you'll fail, then you will. Your thoughts will become your reality, so if you can, pretty please..." she took my hands in hers. "Pretty please don't ever think of failure. Just imagine yourself acing all of your test and perhaps you will."

---

I am now sitting in the dining room with Rahmat and our parents. I try to fake a smile so that they won't pester me about how I'm feeling. I don't get why they bother asking that question if they don't want to hear the truth. What do they expect to hear, anyway? If they get mad and defensive each time I open up about my low mood, then how can they demand that I get up close and personal about needing professional help? Ever since mom boarded the plane and brought me home from a psychiatric hospital in a county neighboring Lionheart, she and dad have not stopped guilt-tripping their only daughter for running away from college just because of one freaking Political Science test. In a way, maybe they're not wrong in blaming me. Who else can I blame? If I were stronger and was able to stay positive like Hazel wanted, Anne Kitrinos College wouldn't need to decide that I am too mentally unstable to keep being a student of theirs. If I were stronger, the psychiatric units wouldn't advise the Dean of Students and the Chancellor that Rinjani Pratiwi of Jakarta, Indonesia would be a danger to herself and the students in her dormitory. So, no matter which way I look at my case, I only have myself to hold accountable.

"Hey sis," Rahmat's voice brings me back to the dining room. "If you're not eating your fried chicken then I'm taking it, 'kay?" he reaches toward my plate but then mom glares at him. "Ah, mom, you're kidding me! She's leaving the fried chicken untouched, why can't I eat it?"

"Your sister will eat when she's hungrier, so let her have the fried chicken." Mom says as she piles more rice onto my plate. "Here, Rin, you more need carbohydrate. I'm glad you're eating rice at least, but surely three or four spoonful of rice won't get you full. Have more."

I just nod politely, too disinterested in arguing with her or entertaining Rahmat's antics. My dad follows my mom's lead and goes on piling carrots from the clear soup on top of my rice.

"Are you still talking with friends from Ohio? They know you're not coming back, right?" Mom asks as I slowly chew the protein and vegetables despite not having an appetite. "Hazel must be missing you. That's unfortunate but you gotta say goodbye and think ahead about which university you want to move into. Have you looked at the one in Texas that your dad's colleague recommended? The one in Houston. If our Rinjani get in it would be so great; don't you think so, Samoedra?" Mom glances at dad. "It's a prestigious one but she's a brilliant girl. Smart girl."

"I thought you were joking, mom!" I stop chewing my food and take a big gulp. "That university isn't going to admit me with my 2.45 GPA, you know. Be realistic. Let's not aim for top names that charge ten thousands of dollars in tuition and extravagant application fees when there's a very low chance of me getting in. I've got my own list and I'll show you in a moment."

"Our kid has a point, Rahajeng. We do have to take her GPA into account, don't we?" dad flashes a smile at my mom and not-so-furtively winks at me. "I say we compromise. Have back up universities don't entirely give up on top-tier universities either. Rin, you still need to take SAT and TOEFL, right? Do well on the Aptitude and English Proficiency test. If you score high enough, maybe that can make up for your abysmal GPA. Focus on grinding for those tests, dear."

Tests, tests, and more tests. What am I, a lab rat? I wish there's a way I could waive those requirements. I mean, I went to a high school in which English was the primary language of instruction, why doesn't it count? What do they have against non-native speakers of English?

"What do you think I've been doing staying up late, dad? Of course I've been preparing myself for TOEFL and SAT. I've been studying my vocabulary flash cards and brushing up on my geometry formulas since I know SAT Mathematics is where I'm the weakest at and I also—"

"Oh, you've been studying?" Rahmat rolls his eyes. "I don't believe you. When I asked our maid how you were yesterday, she said you've been writing frantically in your diary about Goena. So, either Yani is lying or you are. So, which is it, Rin? Am I right that you're the liar?"

Yani has been reading my diary behind my back? Fuck, I should have bought a nicer diary with a lock on it. I also should have hidden my diary better or at least use a code name for Goena...

"This conversation is over!" I slam my spoon and fork down on the table and run upstairs. I pay no mind to my parents shouting for me and then Rahmat getting scolded for teasing me. I just want to disappear. If I disappear, my parents can give all their love to my perfect brother. My perfect younger sibling, who is always happy go lucky and is popular at school. The favorite child, the flawless boy with many achievement in gymnastics and also in academics. Who cares about Rinjani Pratiwi when Rahmat Prakoso the gymnastics prodigy is right there shining?

----

My pillow is hella wet but the tears just keeps on coming. I flip my pillow over and squish it as if by doing so I can stop myself from crying. It's no use, my tear duct is working overtime. I inhale and rub my eyes. Nope, the tears haven't stopped flowing. Can humans physically run out of tears, I wonder? Huh, now that's a good question to Google search. Where's my phone?

Reaching under the blanket, my hand bumps against solid metal. Yeay, my phone! I input the passcode and my wallpaper comes to life. Ugh, it's time to change it. Looking at Goena smiling on the screen, just like he did on the picture I used to have on my dormitory room's desk, just makes me cry even harder. Why can't we go back to the day before I betrayed you, Goena? Why can't you be happy that I was privileged enough to go to the United States? If you can see me now, being depressed and languishing in our beloved Jakarta, are you gonna be satisfied? Was that what you wanted, for me to be stagnant in our comfort zone? Where are you now, anyway? Are you gonna get angry at me again if you know I'm trying to find a way to return to the U.S.?

Forgoing my initial impulse to Google search the scientific explanation behind human tears and their production, I open the list of contacts on my phone and go down the B surnames. There he is, Goenawan Bhoemipoetra. I know calling him is useless because it seems his number has been inactive since the day he told me he couldn't trust me anymore, but I don't care. I need to say what has been left unsaid. Even if it goes straight to voicemail, I have to un-carry this burden. Wait, un-carry is not a word. Ah, to hell with that. In my dictionary, un-carry is a legit word.

"Hey Goena, it's your best friend. Or should I say ex-best friend?" I say as soon as I get directed to the voicemail. "Yes, before you ask, I'm sobbing. Stop hiding, you idiot! I'm back in Jakarta, which you'd have known if you have checked for my messages. Don't you want to see me before I leave again, if things go according to what my parents have envisioned? Goena, you bastard. Why am I still clinging onto this stupid hope of fixing our friendship? You bastard. I love you so freaking much even though you're so stupid. Don't you love me back? Do you hate me now?"

"I'm pretty sure he's incapable of hating you!" Rahmat invites himself into my room. Ah, what is it with nobody respecting my privacy? I get off my phone and cross my arms, raising my eyebrows at the intruder. He just sticks his tongue out and take a seat on the edge of my bed.

"Could you stop spying on me?" I implore. "I'm so sick of having my private things not being private anymore. First, Yani snooped around to read my diary and then you spied on me while I was pouring my heart out. What am I to you, a protagonist in a low-budget telenovela?"

"I never asked Yani to violate your privacy and it's not my fault that you talked loud enough for me to overhear everything!" my brother retorts. "Listen, the only reason I asked Yani how you were was because, believe it or not, I do care about you. I know I tease you mercilessly, but that's what a brother does. It's in my job description. Now, I do want to apologize about my behavior at the dining room. It was unnecessary. But you really need to stop being depressed."

"Stop being depressed?" I put my hands on my hips. "Rahmat, you know nothing about how depression works, do you? If you ever stop spending time on the treadmill and actually research what's been plaguing your sister, who you claim to care about, you won't be so clueless."

"Depression is just the dramatization of feeling sorry for yourself, isn't it?" he scoffed while spinning in my chair. "You gotta stop dramatizing it. Like mom and dad say all the time, there are people who are less fortunate than you are. So, don't complain too much and start making a real plan to get back to college immediately. I can help you study for SAT and TOEFL. Yes, I'm in ninth grade, but that doesn't mean I can't still be your study buddy. Don't count me out."

"I'm too sad now to educate you on what depression truly is, so we'll agree to disagree, okay? And if you want to help, how about you give me your opinion on my tentative list of colleges to apply to?" I scoot to the other side of the bed and reach for the lowest drawer of my study table, where my spiral note book is. "I rank them all based on their acceptance rate and the SAT scores they require. The higher the acceptance rate and the lower the total SAT they ask for, the better."

"Sure!" Rahmat grabs the notebook from me and I tell him to look at the second page. "Oh, this is pretty thorough. You've organized them by states and by the amount of financial aids they provide qualified international students. So, are you applying to all fourteen of them?"

"Heck no, that's overkill. I'm thinking of just sending my application to maybe five or six of them at most. Here's how you can help, Rahmat. Scan through my summary of what I like and dislike about each college. Once you're done, tell me which one you think will suit me. Got it?"

"Mm-hm. Give me a minute or two. Yeah, so, this one in South Carolina? It sounds super Christian and I don't know if you're fine going to an institution that religious but it does give you generous financial aid if they accept you. Next, the one in Colorado. Wait, Rin, this one is so similar to Anne Kitrinos College. You sure that's alright with you?"

"Why wouldn't it be alright? The similarity would make me feel more comfortable, right? Since I've been in a rural environment before, I'd be able to manage my expectations accordingly."

"Yeah, but..." Rahmat bits his lips before exhaling. "Look, I do think you're full of drama but I do acknowledge that you've been through a traumatic thing, what with being sent to a psychiatric unit involuntarily and only being released because mom petitioned the psychiatrists. Won't it be painful to have a reminder of your trauma if you choose to live in another rural environment?"

"I'll think about it, thanks. Onto the next college. What's your take on this liberal arts one in Massachusetts? That's like the smaller and less elitist version of Brown U. Plus, being located just a stone throw away from a constellation of other small colleges, it's actually a consortium."

"I don't know, Rin. Massachusetts is in Northeastern U.S., right? You don't like snow much and that region is one of the snowiest in the States, so maybe choose a warmer place to go to?"

"Okay, that's going to be one of my considerations." I put a big question on the name of that college. "What about looking at colleges in Virginia? That's a state with a milder climate, isn't it? They have plenty of options too. Richmond, Williams and Mary, VTech, to name a few."

"You do realize those universities you just named are competitive, right?" Rahmat tilts his head and I chuckle because he looks like a startled dog. "What's so funny? You're super weird today, Rin. Anyway, like I said, those universities are tough to get into. But look, you have listed Lynchburg College. You seem to favor it among all the Virginian colleges because of its strong focus on extracurricular activities and its tight-knit community, so it can't hurt to apply."

"Yeah, perhaps I should apply. Anyway, since we're onto Southern states, now, let's look at Georgia, Tennessee, and North Carolina. Huh, look at this university with 79% acceptance rate. That's reasonable. Anything above 51% is good. What do you say, Rahmat? Yes or no?"

"You mean Skylos Vouno University in Byra County of Western NC? That university, or more specifically the city it is located in, has a reputation for being the home of hippies and stoners, like you wrote in your note, but the student satisfaction rate is high if the quotes you got from that College Confidential website are trustworthy. So, I don't know, maybe you'll be alright if you avoid the weed smokers. Just don't let mom and dad know about what the university and the city are known for. They'd freak out from assuming the worst. You know they can be annoyingly overprotective. But I know you, sis. I know you have your own morals and convictions."

"You can be sweet when you want to!" I pinch his cheeks and he slaps my hands away. "Thanks for your faith in me, Rahmat. Why can't you be this pleasant all the time?"

"Because the job of a little brother is to annoy his sister!" he blows a raspberry. "And the job of a best friend is to pick a fight. Oh, oh, don't cry, sis!" he hugs me when he sees me trembling. "I mean, I'm your best friend too, right, not just your brother? Forget Goena. Who needs him when you have me, the coolest brother you could ever ask for? I'm cool, am I not?"

"You're cool when you're nice." I reply through sniffles. "But just to be honest with you, no one can replace Goena. Anyway, you said he's incapable of hating me. Are you certain, Rahmat?"

"I have no doubt about it. Goena loves you, but put yourself in his shoes. If you were him, wouldn't it hurt to know the friend you've known since childhood is keeping a huge secret from you? His reaction might be disproportionate to the situation at hand but that's what people do when they're hurting, right? I mean, you and I do things we regret all the time when we fight."

"If he does regret overreacting to my news, why is he cutting all forms of communication with me? Rahmat, I think you're mistaken. I think whatever love he used to have for me is gone."

"Sis, it's not good to assume the worst about your own best friend. Maybe he's busy?"

"Maybe he's dead somewhere in the Artic." I say unthinkingly. The look of sheer horror in Rahmat's face is priceless and I can't contain my laughter. "Relax, I'm just making light of a tense situation like he sometimes did back in the days. I miss his dark humor. Anyway, you're right. I shouldn't think badly of him. He could be caught up in his own business. Let's hope that's all there is to this situation. I shouldn't make more self-fulfilling prophecies now."

"What prophecies?" Rahmat looks at with a look of utter confusion. "You a fortune-teller now?"

"Oh, that's something Hazel Licht wanted me to be wary about back in Ohio. Remember I told you I have a roommate who was into spiritual nonsense? Well, this spiritualism about self-fulfilling prophecy, what if it's NOT some nonsense? What if my fear of Goena hating me makes him actually hate me? Do you think prophecies can be self-fulfilled to that extent? Can they?"

"I don't know. Your roommate Hazel sounds like she looked out for you, though."

"Yeah, she was wonderful. Hey Rahmat, will you look out for me too?"

"As your younger brother? Nope, you're supposed to be the one looking out for me because you're older. As a person who cares about you? Yes, what do you think I've been doing all my life? Beyond my teasing and our dumb fights, I do want what's best for you, Rin. Really."