"After the wreckage
After the dust
I still hear the howling, I still feel the rush
Over the riots, above all the noise
Through all the worry, I still hear your voice."

Us, James Bay

(rewrote this chapter a billion times because it wasn't coming out the way I wanted to :'()

Chapter 28

I tried my very best to concentrate on the dress I was making for the fashion week but Ethan's words kept repeating in my mind.

"Damn it!" I cussed when the paper sliced through my finger.

I sighed and threw my pencil aside and glanced at the phone beside me.

I grabbed it and started framing a message to Ethan.

Type.

Erase.

Type.

Erase.

Finally, I wrote, "Hey, can we talk, please?" and before I could change my mind again, hit the send button.

I kept the phone down, my heart beating fast and hands trembling.

I didn't know how he would reply. We haven't talked in a week, the longest since we've known each other. I had submerged myself in making draft after draft of the two dresses I had to submit to my mom for the fashion week and she wasn't making it easy, criticizing each one for something I missed.

I would have been annoyed usually, but I knew she wanted it to be perfect.

I don't know if she wanted her daughter or the show perfect, though.

My phone pinged distracting me from my thoughts. I picked it up instantly.

"Jenny, hey, I'm sorry, I really am for everything I said. Please forgive me."

I slumped in my chair, my heart welling up.

Before I could type up a message, another came through.

"I was giving you time to cool off, I know that's what you usually want when you're mad about something."

I read the message and hit the call button, overwhelmed, suddenly.

He picked it up on the first ring.

"Jen—"

"Can we meet?" I asked, cutting him off.

A sneeze and a snivel followed.

"I'm sorry, but I'm down with the flu."

"Oh, how are you feeling now?"

"Like shit," he chuckled.

I missed him.

A moment of awkward silence followed before he broke it.

"What do you want, Jenny, about us? It is your call."

I bit my lip, uncertain about everything, staring at the curves of the dress, I had made.

"I just have too much on my plate, right now, I just can't—I don't know, plus, I don't want to do this on the phone, Ethan," I mumbled, after a while.

"I understand, the doctor said that I will be fine in a while, possibly a week before I can come out, what about we meet then, in our park?"

"I have this fashion week hosted by my mother, next week, she has asked me to design for her, I will be too busy, then, what about after that?"

"Wait, that is so cool, can I attend it, if I'm well, by then?"

He asked it so gently that my heart pulled at me.

"Yes, I mean, yes," I stuttered.

"Okay," another loud sneeze followed.

I chuckled, "Thanks, I am deaf now."

He chuckled too.

"You should take rest," I said, softly.

"No, wait, let me make some green tea."

"Ethan—"

I heard him shuffle and shortly, after I heard commotion in what I presumed was his kitchen.

"Are you alone at home?"

"Now, Jenny, don't be dirty, I'm ill," he said, and I could hear his grin through the phone.

I smiled as I heard water boil in the background.

"Already making some tea, wassup with you?"

Another sniffle.

I shook my head.

"I refuse to encourage this, bye, take some rest."

"No, the hot tea will soothe my throat, I am enjoying this, it has been a while."

I chuckled before an idea formed in my mind.

"No, drink the tea and go to sleep, and keep me updated about you."

I ended the call despite his protests which ended with a loud sneeze.

Idiot, I thought, chuckling.

My plan was to do a little more sketching for another hour or so, hoping that some great idea hits me and then, go drop off some soup from one of his favourite restaurants.

Yes, I don't know how to speak in affection, so this is how I show it.

I sighed as I picked up the pencil again.

~

With a hot container of soup in a bag, I rang the bell and stepped back. I was anxious for some reason but I couldn't dwell much on the thought as the door opened.

I was all geared up to smile at his surprised face but what greeted me was a surprised face, alright but not that of Ethan.

It was Avishka.

My heart constricted.

She smoothed out her features instantly and put on a huge grin.

"Jennifer! Hi," she yelped.

"Hi," I mumbled. "I am just here to drop off some soup."

My heart was sinking with every word.

Why was she here?

"Oh," she said, her gaze switching between the soup in my hand and my face.

Her face constricted in hesitancy, before she whispered, "I thought you guys had a fight."

"Yea, but—"

"I am so glad that it is just a lovers' quarrel," she said, grinning.

I couldn't find it in me to smile back.

"It is cream of mushroom, his favourite," I mumbled, shoving it to her.

"Oh, I know, I already got like a litre of it from Granny's Kitchen," she was smiling her perfect wide toothed grin at me.

Mine was from there, too.

I had thought I was the only person who knew it was his favourite, he had said it to me himself, when we'd gone for a date there.

Guess not.

I took a deep breath in.

Everyone is flawed, Jen.

You.

Ethan.

Avishka.

But was she not for him?

"Jenny," a croaky voice came from inside before Ethan appeared at the door.

Seeing them together in the doorframe like that, looking at me, from inside of his house, like they were a married couple, and I was the stranger.

The outsider.

My throat constricted.

This was too much.

"I—I was just leaving, some soup—"

"Ah," he looked at the bag, now clutched in Avishka's hands.

"I should leave," Avishka announced awkwardly, as she went inside and got her bag, while all the time Ethan and I stood there, looking anywhere but at each other.

She gave us a cheerful goodbye before walking off to the elevator.

Ethan cleared his throat, "Come in, Jenny, I really wasn't expecting you."

"I just thought I'd drop some soup, I should go, too."

"No, you've come till here, just sit far away, we should really talk, it will give you a clear head for your designs too."

I realized how inexplicable the sentences were. Unconnected. He seemed disoriented.

I didn't know if it was the flu or my sudden company.

"Ethan—"

"Please, Jennifer."

I sighed as I followed him.

We sat on the two couches, opposite each other, not talking before he cleared his throat and said, "I know you said you need time, but should I wait?"

"It is just till the end of the next week and after that I'm free."

"No, I didn't mean in that way, should I wait for you? Wait for you to be with me?"

"Ethan—"

"And not the way we were before, because I know that there is a part of you reserved for him, I understand that, I am ready to wait for when you completely erase him from your mind but not now. Not like this."

His gaze was piercing as he stared at me and I didn't know what to say.

"I still say that it is your call, if you tell me, right now, that Soham is completely out of your mind, there is no wasting of time anymore, we will work on us but if he is still there, I am sorry, Jennifer, but I can't be with you, I understand but I can't and won't be with you, so what is it?"

I looked anywhere but at him, my heart beating fast.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

"Do you want me to wait?" he asked me more softly.

I finally met his gaze and my resolve crumbled. All my anguish in the past week, welled up in my eyes.

I took a deep breath in before I mumbled unsteadily, "I don't know how long that will be."

He sighed before slumping on the couch.

He looked at me, again after a while, "Just ask me, I'm willing to wait."

I shook my head, not knowing how to frame it.

"It is unfair. Asking you to wait, it is unfair."

He looked at me intensely before gritting his teeth.

"You don't want me to," he declared.

"No, Ethan—"

"Ask me to wait, Jenny."

"I can't, I'm sorry, I can't," I choked out.

He stood up and paced between us.

"Do you still like him then?" he asked, earnestly.

Soham appeared in front of me, all the memories I have with him. I looked at Ethan, even if I do completely remove Soham from my mind, I know my friendship with him will plague Ethan's.

Just like his friendship with Avishka plagues mine.

I didn't want that and I realized it with a sinking feeling as I watched Ethan, pacing.

"We should cut this off," I whispered.

He stopped pacing and turned to me slowly.

"What?"

"This is going to turn toxic, Ethan, you know it too, and just, I can't, it took me forever to love myself and every time I see you with Avishka, all my insecurities come rushing in, even when I know that there is nothing between you two, just the nagging feeling that you liked her once, will just—"

I stopped myself when he settled back on the couch, leaning forward and resting his head on his palms.

"And I can't abandon my friendship with Soham—"

"I didn't ask you to do that."

"I know, but I also know that me hanging out with him won't do you any good and I can't cut him off."

I seemed to contemplate what I said before sighing.

"I guess you are right, just thinking about him and you in the café that day, the first day I talked to you, is not giving me a good feel," he said, smiling sadly at me.

My heart sank.

"It was great knowing you, Ethan, it really was, you taught me so much in such a short time."

"Can I ask you to keep in touch?" he asked, softly.

I shook my head slowly, "I don't want us to be stuck here, but yes, maybe someday, we both will be happy and reminiscing this."

He smiled at me, as if thinking about the time in the future, too.

As we said our final goodbyes with an awkward hug, him trying to keep me away from his sniffles, and me teasing him about it, we shared a last chuckle, together.

Tonight will be hard, I know.

I will cry my heart out, the pillow will be soaked wet but I will let it all go.

Sometimes, it is better to let certain things go like the balloon I used to buy in fairs when I was a kid, that somehow always escaped my hand, and flew into the sky.

I'll watch Ethan grow and evolve but not by his side.

From afar.

And I was okay with that.

Maybe not tonight.

But give it time, and I know I will be.

~

Ethan didn't have the rona guys, the ugly virus won't reach this world xD

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