Danica

I slammed my door shut just as the first tear fell from my cheek. I feel like such a fool, I have never exposed myself to a man and he rejected me. What's wrong with me? I feel ugly, stupid, and undesirable. I'm free for him to use, men like him sleep with women all the time. It's in every book I've read and every movie I've watched. A naked woman is supposed to be hard to resist, but not me.

Those women my father keeps around abuse their bodies with drugs and let all kinds of men use them. They probably have diseases and men still want them, but I'm unwanted, ugly, and unloved.

I cried as I threw on my pajamas. This day may not have meant anything to him, but to me, it meant everything. It means my freedom, the one day I'm supposed to feel beautiful, and the day he is supposed to make me feel worthy.

I washed off the pound of make up my mother put on my face and washed away my tears. I crawled into bed and decided to cry myself to sleep. It's no big deal, because I do it all the time.

There was a knock on the door, and I sat up and wiped the tears from my face.

"It's open," I said, and the door opened before Dash peeked his head in the door.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"I'm fine, why wouldn't I be fine? My husband won't touch me on our wedding night, so I guess I should be okay with that." I said as I wiped another tear away.

He stepped inside, then walked over and sat on the bed. "This was only supposed to be a way to protect you. Remember our deal? You would tell me who the other Horseman is if I find a way to protect you?" He asked.

"I thought you did this in some part because you really cared," I said.

His eyes turned soft. "I do, you're a wonderful girl, but sex is off the table. I'm supposed to protect you, not take advantage of you." He said.

"How is it taking advantage of me if it's what I need? I'm twenty-five and who knows what's going to happen once your men storm this place. I just want to feel something, Dash." I said.

"I'll do everything I can to protect you, and if I get my way, you'll get to live a full and happy life." He said.

"What's wrong with me? Why can you resist me so easily? Am I that ugly?" I asked through my tears, and he chuckled.

"It's amazing that you have no idea what you do to me. That took all my strength to turn you away. My God, you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and I fight a battle every single day not to give in to what I want, but it wouldn't be right." He said.

"You're not like my father's men." I reached for a tissue next to the bed and wiped my tears away.

"I was a Navy Seal planning to retire soon and was engaged to be married. This isn't the life I chose, it chose me, and much like you, I also just want my freedom." He reached over and took my hand. "Not many men in my position survive their last mission. One very special girl already had to bury me, and you most likely will do the same. If we got attached and I died, you would have ruined your freedom before it even started." He said.

"She buried you?" I asked as I now kind of understand.

"Yes, I have a headstone at Arlington. She's married now with twins and another on the way. I'm very grateful that she found happiness again, but she still to this day takes care of my dad. Wounds like that never heal, and you're not the kind of girl that would give herself to a man and not get attached." He said.

"That should be my choice," I said.

"I don't think it's a good idea." He said.

"I'm on birth control, and after this is over, you never have to see me again." I lied, this is more for my protection than he thinks.

"That's not the point. Birth control or not, there are other risks that I'm not ready to take." He said.

"Is it me or you that you're trying to protect?" I asked.

He squeezed my hand. "Both of us." He said.

"You keep saying our marriage is fake, but it's not. Not in the eyes of the law or of God." I said.

He looked skeptical. "How do you figure?" He asked.

"A minister married us and you made a promise to God, you don't think my father has arranged stuff like this before? We would still have to file for an annulment citing false pretenses. I'm married in the eyes of the law." I said.

He leaned back. "Are you serious?"

Really?

"Look it up, you're a married man whether you like it or not," I said.

"Fuck!" He stood up.

"You work for the government and this was your idea. You should know this stuff." I said.

"No, the CIA will clean it up." He said.

"Will they? Will they really care, Dash?" I asked.

He ran his hand down his face. "I'll look into it. In the meantime, it's best that you look at this as a fake marriage." He said, then left shutting the door behind him. I laid back against my pillow and covered my face in frustration. How could he be so stupid, but so damn smart at the same time?