I always leave early
Hosts don't need you to stay longer than you need
I always wanted to leave as neatly as possible
Don't make people clean up after you
Maybe then they will think of you kindly
Maybe then they won't remember the bloodstains on the floor
Tear can simply dry on carpet

Check my pulse
Lift my shirt
Burn my skin
Mark my choices
End my life
Rot my corpse
Stop my suffering

I was taught to believe in order and chaos
I wanted to leave in a beautiful blouse
I wanted to dig the hole with varnished nails
I wanted to rip my throat and paint my lips redder than my imagination
I wanted to drink my tears towards denial
I wanted to eat my vains without suffering
I wanted to dance of the wind without weight now
I wanted to wish on stars now that I lost my chance
I wanted to live now that I am dead

I deified death in order to feel righteous
In order to feel neat
In order to feel clean
But when I met him it was just as human as my suffering
Or even less
Like a cat I need to offer milk to now that it lived on the street
And I could not even carry the cat
I could not even carry by body
And the white light was so far away
Was it even white?
Or was it never light?