Chapter 2

I was too young to understand what suicide was, therefore my parents didn't bother explaining it to me. I simply understood that my cousins use to have a daddy, but now he was gone. And like the kitty that wandered it's way into my backyard, he wasn't coming back. I know that a gun had done it, a gun like what my daddy used when he was away being a Marine.

I had two older cousins and one younger. The Billy Rae Cyrus poster on the bedroom wall was probably my first real crush! Besides my dad of course! I loved daddy so much that I wanted to be just like him, I even attempted to cut my hair like his, but then I ended up in big trouble, so I decided that long haired Billy Rae was a much better suitor for me and my rebel ways.

My mom stayed home and babysat us four kids while my aunt and dad worked. One afternoon we had been fed our lunch and were all watching a movie in the living room. My mom was sitting on the couch writing in her notebook with my two older cousins next to her, while my younger cousin and I laid on the floor. My mom had stood up, claiming that she had a headache. She asked my cousin Kari to keep an eye on us and to be sure that her mom gets the note that she left for her on the kitchen table, she would be taking a couple of aspirin and heading to bed for a nap.

We all murmured our okays without turning away from the T.V. Hours went by, our movie finished, we started another, and my cousin Aaron and I began whining about being hungry. Kari Rose paused the movie and went into the kitchen to search for some snacks.

She came back only moments later, but rather than returning with food, she had a folded up paper in her shaking hands and was looking for the telephone. In my young age, I was too one track minded to try and listen to her conversation. All I noticed and cared about was that mommy's letter was in her hand, and that letter was for aunt Tina to read, NOT Kari! I tried to take the letter from her. I tried to, quietly (she was on the phone), tell her that she wasn't supposed to be reading it!

When she hung up, she ignored my questioning and pushed me away before immediately making another phone call. It was then that I noticed the tears on her cheeks and I instantly started to cry as well. It always scared me when someone older than me cried, cause if someone older and stronger was afraid, then it must mean that something bad has happened.

I didn't know what was going on but when Kari made her phone call this time, she ran down the stairs to where my mom was. I tried to follow, at this point I was even more scared. She was crying, she had mommy's note, and she was trying to wake mommy up. I wanted to help her! Mommy would fix whatever was making her cry, but just as I reached the bottom of the stairs, Kari quit shaking her. She grabbed my arm and pulled me back up with her.

She still wouldn't tell me what was going on. When I got back up stairs my other two cousins were crying as well. Did they know? Or were they just as scared as I was? I hear sirens and saw the flashing lights in the front yard. Kari hung up the phone and I tried to ask her what was wrong, but she ran to the front door. There was an ambulance in the driveway and my aunt had just pulled in. Four men with a stretcher came in to the house and my cousin pointed towards the basement; towards mommy. I tried to follow but my aunt stepped into the house and scooped me up just as I made my first step in their direction.

"The whole fucking bottle! It was brand new, she took them all" My aunt called to them as they made their decent into the basement.

They were downstairs for a long time, and everything upstairs was quiet except for the police radio sounding across the yard from the back of the open ambulance. I cried into my aunts shoulder, not even asking what is wrong anymore. I didn't know what happened, I thought maybe my moms headache had gotten really bad, and she needed the doctors.

The paramedics finally came back up the stairs with my mom loaded on to the streatcher! She was talking, and she was calling me name! She kept asking for me!

"Jamie!"

"Jamie!"

"Where's my Jamie?"

"Mommy I'm here!"

"I'm here!" I yelled. I kicked. I screamed to be let down. I needed to get closer to her. I needed her to know that I heard her and I was there! I needed her to know that I loved her.

My aunt passed me into the arms of my cousin so she could ride a long in the ambulance. My cousin being much smaller and younger than my aunt, was unable to control the kicking and screaming four year old for long. The moment the ambulance doors closed, my cousins grip on me loosened. I ran, I don't know how far or long I chased after the ambulance as it pulled away. I'm guessing not very long since I was only four and I had two much taller cousins chasing to catch me.

But the memory of those ambulance doors closing, and me screaming to be heard, to let her know I was there, will be an image that I can never escape.