chapter six:
double date (and a half)

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The emergency lockdown had thankfully ended the following morning. With the neighbourhood freed of its sinkhole worries, Beth wants to hit the ground running and get to know more people in the Good Place. No time is wasted as she heads out with Sanjay in the morning to search for their starting candidates.

As they walk, Beth gazes in amusement at the various personality-catered homes other residents are living in. There are towering skyscrapers, yurts in the middle of the forest, giant water parks, and quaint English cottages. She even spots something resembling a Barbie Dreamhouse in all but scale. Eventually, they stop at a familiar stretch of the neighbourhood and survey their options.

"Hey, there's Eleanor and Chidi's house," Sanjay nods towards the small Scandinavian bungalow next to Tahani's eyesore of a mansion.

"Have you ever been inside?" Beth asks.

"No. Have you?"

"I haven't. Well, better late than never, right?"

Beth thinks back to Eleanor becoming more personable, and how Chidi seemed friendly enough on the first orientation day when she first met him. Surely they are a perfect place to start forging friendships for life... or the afterlife, she should say. (The sheer enormity of that concept never quite fails to make her head hurt).

As the duo make their way towards the brightly-coloured, minimalist house, Tahani herself comes striding glamorously up into their front garden. "Oh! Beth and Sanjay, how delightful to see you here!" she clasps her hands together. "What brings you to this part of the neighbourhood?"

"Well, our neighbours, you could say," Beth glances at Sanjay and chuckles. "We both got a bit of cabin fever during the lockdown, so we thought it was high time we started really getting to know everyone else here."

"Ah, how lovely," Tahani smiles. "I was just coming here to check on Jianyu."

"Jianyu's with Chidi?" Sanjay furrows his brows.

"Yes. Quite often, as of late... not sure why. Anyway, don't mind me, I'll just pop inside."

"Oh– right, yeah, by all means!"

They let Tahani lead the way, as she knocks on the door and swings it open before hearing an answer. Chidi and Jianyu are sat at the breakfast bar on the other side of the open-plan living space, the former cutting himself off mid-sentence. But Beth finds her attention towards whatever Tahani is saying dwindling... because she has just seen the monstrosities hanging in the walls. Framed pictures of clowns, all warped and terrifying in their own way, stare back at her.

     Each to their own, Beth supposes.

     She is about to become distracted by why there are no steps leading to the upper bedroom section, when she tunes back into Tahani's voice: "... Oh Jianyu, I cannot wait to just relax, and talk, and chat, and just– you know– get to know each other!" When the monk doesn't respond, she hovers by his side, a slightly strained smile on her face.

     "What is this?" Sanjay asks.

    "Jianyu and I are having a couple's spa day," Tahani says eagerly. "We thought it would help us grow closer, didn't we Jianyu?"

     Inexplicably, Jianyu glances down at his lap, before replying, "It is decidedly so."

     Sanjay turns to Beth with a sudden spark in his eye. "Getting to know each other... that could be fun, right? And you can exfoliate at the same time," he murmurs to her. "What do you say?"

     Beth's lips quirk into a smile. "A couple's spa day? I don't know, Sanjay... although I've never actually been to one before." The more she thinks about it, the more it starts to sound appealing. She doesn't quite know exactly what such a spa retreat would entail, but the general image painted in her imagination is enough to convince her. Soothing massages, face masks, plush robes you wish you could sneak home — that sounds like a long overdue treatment that Heaven has been saving just for Beth.

     "Heyyy..." Chidi interjects; his shoulders are up by his ears, tense with awkwardness. "Maybe I'll come too!"

     Tahani's efforts to mask her disappointment, however sweetened, are futile. "... Oh. Chidi, I would love to have your company. It's just that– um, this is really more of a couple's thing. And it seems a teensy bit overcrowded already, with Beth and Sanjay there too."

     Is that a compliment or an insult? Beth wonders.

     "I know," Chidi goes on, "but Eleanor's off with Michael, Beth and Sanjay are like two peas in a pod, and Jianyu feels more comfortable when I'm around. Don't you, Jianyu?"

     Another glance down at his lap. Jianyu looks him dead in the eyes. "Made in Taiwan—"

     "Yes, you were. You were made in Taiwan. So... couple's day! Let's gooo!"

     Beth beams in realisation. "It'll almost be like a double date—"

     "And a half..." Tahani mutters, her eyes not matching her smile.

     Jianyu's (and frankly Chidi's) bizarre behaviour aside, it seems that everyone is soon on board, whether some like it or not. The group of five head out of the minimalist home together. But before that, Beth sees Jianyu cradling something in his arms. When he thinks the coast is clear he tries rolling it into his pockets, that item which had been in his lap all this time — a Magic 8 Ball.

✮

     The Good Face Spa is exactly what Beth imagines every spa retreat to look like — low lighting, trickling water, the air laced with healing aromas. A haven of relaxation like this is uncharted territory for her. When she was alive, Beth never found nor gave herself the time to be treated like this. She goes into it a tad sceptical, but as long as the treatments actually work, she is willing to be proven wrong.

Janet, forever managing the neighbourhood, is behind the front desk with a hospitable smile. Does she do everything around here?

"Hello, Janet," Tahani greets her. "Jianyu and I are here for the couples package, please."

"And so are we," Beth adds. "I– I mean, Sanjay and I, of course."

"And also I will be joining them," Chidi tacks on at the very end. Beth still isn't completely sure why he has tagged along, but she has decided it isn't worth questioning.

"Great! And who is the other half of your couple?" Janet asks.

"Oh, no, no, it's just me..."

Still smiling sweetly over the counter, Janet tilts her head. "Couples are pairs of people," she states.

"Yup, and, uh, there are two pairs of people — Jianyu and Tahani, Beth and Sanjay — and then also I am here."

"Great! And who will be joining you?"

"No one..." Chidi pinches his brow; he is jumping through hoops to make her understand, and yet part of him seems frustrated with himself at the technicality. "Um, it's really quite simple, Janet. They are two couples, and I am a fifth part of that couple. Uh... a helper part, who is here for fun and excitement. It's a five-person couple."

"A quintuple," Sanjay clarifies with an innocent smile.

Janet blinks at them. Her eyes go cross-eyed abruptly, her arms switching into stiff blades at her sides. "Does not compute," she says robotically, "Does not compute."

"Did you break Janet?" Beth mutters to Chidi under her breath.

Then, as if nothing happened, Janet returns to her normal self and laughs it off. "Just kidding! I mean, it doesn't compute, but I'm not gonna explode or anything." She walks out from behind the desk and links her hands in front of her stomach. "Beth and Tahani, if you could follow me this way to the saunas. Sanjay, Jianyu and... Chidi, yours is the other way."

As Janet leads them away, Tahani tells Jianyu weakly, "Well, I'll see you later, darling..."

Beth throws a look behind her shoulder at Sanjay. She holds his gaze for as long as possible, giving him a small wave. He returns it, and then they both turn the corner.

With the saunas coming first, it means leaving Beth and Tahani alone in a steaming room together — not quite the couple's package either of them had in mind, no doubt.

Beth has been stripped down to all but two separate pristine towels, one wrapped around her body and the other enveloping her hair like a tower of soft ice cream. She keeps her arms firmly pinned to her chest as she pads through the spa and to the sauna door. A hot, steamy pocket of air swathes her next inhale as she walks inside. The wooden walls have condensation clinging to them; in the midst of it all sits Tahani Al-Jamil, also clad in her towels, looking annoyingly flawless even with a glistening sheen of sweat.

     "Hi..." says Beth.

     Tahani, whose mind had been elsewhere, looks up at her. "Oh, hello. Do take a seat."

     Beth lowers herself down on the bench, leaving a healthy metre between herself and Tahani. She crosses her leg awkwardly and mops some sweat from her brow. She can already feel her heart starting to pump from the heat. Fork, she's actually roasting in here. Do people actually enjoy this?

     "It's hot, isn't it?" Beth tries to create conversation. Tahani turns, looking at her blankly. "Well, I mean, obviously it's hot. It's a sauna. I've just, er– never been in one."

     Tahani leans back and clutches one knee with both hands. "It's rather delightful after a while. But I haven't treated myself to a sauna session since I went with Drew Barrymore as part of her birthday spa package I got her..." Hearing this, Beth can't help herself — she lets out an incredulous scoff. Tahani's defences immediately fly up in response. "What? Was it something I said?"

     "Nothing. I just, um... I'm constantly amazed at how many famous people you know," she admits, while rubbing the heating-up skin at her collarbone. She can see blotchy patches of rosy red blooming against her pale complexion. Meanwhile Tahani seems unfazed by the effects of the sauna. Fantastic, Beth thinks with a sigh.

     "Ah, well, I am sure it's nothing to boast about. Although I do have plenty of famous friends..."

     A beat passes.

     "I once saw Ian McKellen in a Sainsbury's car park," Beth blurts out.

     Tahani's eyes widen and she smiles. "Did you really?"

     "Actually I thought I saw him. But then I got closer and realised it wasn't him."

     "Oh..."

     "It was very dark."

     "I see."

     Beth clears her throat, tucking some hair back beneath the towel on her head. "I'm sure you've met Sir Ian plenty of times though," she adds with a chuckle.

     "I've never met him, actually," Tahani says, pondering the thought. Then her expressions brightens: "But my dear friend Dame Judi Dench has promised she'll introduce us one day!"

Of course she has. Beth clears her throat awkwardly, leaving Tahani's exclamation at a lingering dead end. They go back to sitting in silence, the sauna heat washing over them both. Although Beth has to admit, the sensation is starting to feel a bit more pleasant now — the sweating actually feels cleansing as opposed to... well, disgusting. And there is an inexplicable sense of calm that has kicked in over the last couple of minutes.

Deflating herself with a sigh, Beth glances across at Tahani. The 'relaxation' aspect of the sauna seems to have little effect on her. She seems rather more preoccupied. Is it a surprise, though? It hardly seems ideal that she suddenly has another couple and Chidi, of all people, tagging along for what was meant to be a private day with Jianyu. Beth all of a sudden feels a nagging guilt at being sat here in this sauna.

"Tahani?"

"Mhmm?"

"I'm... sorry if this isn't what you wanted," Beth apologises. "I mean, Sanjay and I, we didn't mean to ruin your day. I know you wanted to be alone with Jianyu—"

But Tahani waves her off. "Oh, it's not your fault. Even if I am a little envious of you."

"Envious? Why?"

     Beth couldn't imagine Tahani being envious of anything from her life.

Tahani moves across the bench closer to Beth — but only slightly, chipping a few centimetres off the metre's distance between them. "You and Sanjay seem to have such a great rapport together," she remarks. "You actually seem to be connecting with him, whereas with Jianyu... I haven't a clue where to begin. He just doesn't seem to show any interest in me at all. It doesn't help that he has been so committed to this vow of silence he took before he died. I mean, surely you'd think he could drop it seeing as he's in the Good Place?"

"I guess he has principles," Beth shrugs.

"I suppose... I don't know, maybe I'm being too harsh on him."

"It's okay. I think I know what you mean, actually. It... hasn't been easy with Sanjay either." At this, Tahani looks up at her with a puzzled expression. "Don't get me wrong, he's lovely. But sometimes it's hard to connect with him on a deeper level, like you said. Anyway, it's alright. We're just taking it slow."

"Is that why you came to the spa today?" Tahani asks.

"Well... maybe?" Beth chuckles uncertainly. "Actually, today was meant to be less about us, and more about everyone else. We meant it when we told you we wanted to get to know our neighbours. There must be more to the afterlife than just being paired up with your soulmate, surely?"

     Tahani hums in thought, considering this. She seems rather pleased but hesitant to express it. Perhaps she is thinking the same thing as Beth — that they could be friends. It feels like a weight lifted from her shoulders to hear Tahani's worries mirroring some of her own in the Good Place. She feels slightly less guilty for thinking them now.

Glancing around the sauna walls, Beth feels a pang of awe. "Okay, I've officially been converted on this whole sauna thing."

"See, I told you it would work!" Tahani wags a finger in her direction. "But we'd better get out in a few minutes. You don't want to know what happened to my other very good friend when she stayed in the sauna for too long..."

✮

     After a surprisingly pleasant start to the spa experience, Beth is looking forward to the next part. It has been rosy for a few minutes — everyone had emerged in their robes, feeling fresh and relaxed from the saunas. Beth had to bite back a grin at the robe which was slightly too short for the long-limbed Sanjay. Jianyu, however, wasn't feeling any more talkative after his turn in the sauna, much to Tahani's disappointment.

     Having also been given a bath treatment, it is time for their massages.

"Okay, my hands are heated to the ideal 105 degrees," says Janet, after lightly brushing them together. "Who would like to go first?"

     Beth would happily volunteer herself; she is sure there is years of stress all bunched up in knots at her shoulders. But she would rather not steal someone else's thunder, so she sheepishly hangs back.

     Tahani, naturally, wastes no time in filling the space. "Oh, well what if I go first," she suggests, "and then perhaps Jianyu could stand near me and share some intimate aspects of his life?"

     "Or, what if..." Chidi interjects, "while Janet massages Tahani, I massage Jianyu?"

     "What about Beth and I? What should we do?" Sanjay asks.

     "I guess you can massage each other too. It'll be like, uh... bonding!"

     They glance at one another. Honestly, Beth would rather be massaged by Janet — she's enjoying herself too much to have someone who doesn't know what they are doing prodding her muscles. But then again, she reckons there could be far worse candidates than Sanjay. She would still rather wait and observe. "Um... would you like to go first? I'll massage you. Or try to, anyway," Beth says, gesturing to the massage table.

     Sanjay stares at it like a foreign object, then back at her. "Yeah– okay, sure."

Within a couple of minutes, he is de-robed and lying on his stomach on the massage table. When Beth enters the room again and sees him, she feels a flush of heat surge through her cheeks. The room is dimly lit, with ambient instrumental music quietly humming in the background. This is not what she had planned for today. Then again, when has the Good Place been predictable in its challenges thus far?

Besides, it could be worse. At least she doesn't have the painfully awkward task of being Chidi and cluelessly massaging Jianyu.

Beth watches Janet for a few moments, sponging up the techniques but also half-jealous at the luxury treatment Tahani is getting. She seems to begin with gentle gliding strokes across the body. Beth positions her hands at the top of Sanjay's back; she throws one last glance over her shoulder at Janet, before copying a soft, sweeping movement across his body—

"Aaah-hah!"

The high-pitched exclamation from Sanjay makes Beth leap back. "Oh shirt, did I hurt you?!" she asks worriedly, hands raised in surrender. She didn't even know he could make that noise.

"No, it– it just tickles, that's all."

"Oh... right." Beth lowers her hands cautiously again, but her technique elicits another girlish shriek as he writhes on the table. "Shhh! Sanjay, come on! This is literally what I'm meant to be doing. Deep breath, come on."

"Maybe you're doing it wrong!" he muffles into the table.

"Or maybe it wouldn't tickle as much if you stopped moving—"

But it's no use. Sanjay is impossibly ticklish, Beth discovers, making it impossible for her to massage him properly. She hopes getting to the later stage of kneading movements in his upper back will help, but it only exacerbates the problem. The whole thing has her holding her breath with the desperate fight against laughing out loud — it would be so deafening in the tranquility of the spa. Particularly when she knows Jianyu and definitely Tahani are trying to relax.

Eventually Beth finds a sweet spot, mimicking the tapping movements up and down Sanjay's back like Janet is doing. She can feel his body is still tense, but at least it doesn't involve feathery strokes that have him shrieking like a banshee.

Tahani utilises the brief silence to her advantage. She tilts her head as best as she can towards her soulmate, her eyes lulling with relaxation. "Jianyu, darling, let's discuss the arts. I adore the impressionists. Who's your favourite artist?" she asks hopefully.

"I mean," Jianyu says, suddenly rising from the table, "Pitbull changed the game— urgh!"

The monk lets out a grunt as Chidi sharply jabs his hand into Jianyu's face, flattening him onto the table again. "Sorry about that," he says, straddling intensity and calm, "just working on the oft-neglected mandible area..."

     Beth ceases her kneading slowly, her brows furrowing. Every seldom word that leaves Jianyu's lips has her more and more puzzled. It doesn't seem like the kind of thing a Taiwanese monk would come out with. What is it about him that just doesn't feel—

     "Hee-aaAAH!"

     "Oh, for God's sake, Sanjay!"

     He goes limp with a sigh of relief when Beth removes her hands — little does he know, it's to stem the silent giggles shaking her shoulders...

     Beth decides to forfeit her own massage, seeing how it went with Sanjay, so the group instead move onto a facial as the last step. They each recline on a beauty treatment bed of their own. They have cushions propped under their knees and a thin towel laid over their bodies. Janet expertly manages to work on them one-by-one, going down the line until she reaches Beth. She gently exfoliates her pores and allows her skin to breathe in a way she hasn't felt it do for an eternity. Next is a massage of the face and neck, drawing circles around Beth's temples and eyes, ebbing the strain away as if by magic. The sweeping, gentle motions from the back of her neck to her collar bone cast a spell on complete tranquility on her.

     Okay, I'm definitely in Heaven, she thinks.

     It isn't until she hears Janet's voice that Beth realises she had almost dozed off.

     "I'm having trouble making this mask stick..." Janet is murmuring, only slightly off-beat. Beth cranes her neck slightly to the side, watching as clumps of the bright blue facial mask fall off Tahani's skin.

     "Yes, it's 'cause my pores are just so small," Tahani sighs woefully. "There's no way anything could ever adhere to my skin. It's a curse, really."

     Beth is too relaxed to be rubbed the wrong way by that. Instead, she lies back as Janet makes her way over with the mask, painting it onto her face. Beth tries to stay as still as possible, even as the brush tickles her nose and her skin subtly tingles.

     She hears Tahani ask, "Jianyu? What are your pores like?" The only thing that greets her is deafening silence. It is difficult to miss the disappointment in her voice afterwards. "Janet, if you don't mind, I'll show myself to the Quiet Room..." Tahani murmurs. There is the softest padding of slippers, followed by the gentle click of the door being shut.

     "How is that feeling for you?" Janet asks Beth, as she places two thin cucumber slices on her eyes.

     "Good," Beth replies. "Is the mask meant to tingle a little bit?"

     "If only a little, then that's normal with certain ingredients. Could your skin be dry or dehydrated?"

     "Ah... yeah, you're probably right."

     A few minutes pass, where Beth lets the clay mask seep in along with the ambient music and the serene calm she is feeling. Janet's voice is still calmly controlled as it drifts towards her.

     "Are you enjoying your spa day so far?" she asks politely.

     "Is the Pope Catholic?" Beth scoffs. There is a beat of silence, in which she realises the sarcasm might not register with Janet. "I mean, uh, it's lovely. Thanks."

     "Good. I've never had so many clients at the same time, I had to multitask."

     Beth remembers how much she sees Janet around the neighbourhood, assisting Michael or standing in for other jobs; then there are all the time residents call on her for advice. "You do so much around the neighbourhood, Janet. Do you never feel overworked?"

     "It is impossible for me to feel overworked," says Janet factually. "Janets are designed to fulfil every job that is needed."

     "I know, but—" Beth sighs, her fingers twitching at her sides. "Well, I know what it's like to say it's impossible, when in actual fact, you are just completely burnt out."

     "I'm... not sure what that feels like."

     An injection of the past enters Beth's consciousness. Ever-so-slightly, she feels herself tense up. Good grief, she's dead, she shouldn't be thinking about the extra jobs she cannot even do anymore.

     "You know, I was an estate agent. I did like my job. Some days, I really liked it. And there were lots of things to like about it — when you really feel like you've helped a client get exactly what they wanted, it's the best feeling. Then there's having a flexible schedule, no income cap in theory, all that stuff. But... those are also cons, you see?" Beth reaches up to touch her temple, before remembering the clay mask and quickly retracting it; she feels restless for what to do with that hand now. "The flexible schedule sometimes means the most ridiculous hours, and it just feels rough when you get a soft market. I mean, maybe I don't want that unpredictability, you know? And then you work with some people, clients or other agents, who don't give a fork about how you feel or how hard you're trying—"

     She's so carried away that she hardly notices Janet removing the cucumber slices, and slowly scrubbing away the mask.

     "— And then you wake up one day, and you're thirty, and you can't actually remember why you're doing what you do. And you look back on what you've been doing and wonder whether any of that was worth it. Like, did any of that actually put some good into the world? Did I just waste a big chunk of my life?"

     There is a long, uncertain, studied silence in the room. Beth feels an undeniable catharsis at saying it all out loud. She feels like her career, at some points, loomed like a grey cloud over so many aspects of her life — she recalls family Christmases where she was half-invested while a single buzz from her phone would call for checking, in case she needed to act on something.

     How much living has she missed in her life?

     "I think..." Janet finally replies, "you made it into the Good Place. You must have helped people in some capacity, if it meant they found a new home or sold their old one."

     Beth nods lightly, letting Janet wipe off the remnants of the clay mask. She suddenly remembers that they weren't alone in the room — she glances to the side, only to find the other beauty treatment beds empty. "Where did everyone go?" Beth asks in surprise. She didn't hear them leave.

     "After Tahani left, Chidi and Jianyu went to use the bathroom, and I removed Sanjay's mask first. I think he felt like his skin was reacting to it."

     "Oh..." Beth's head lulls against the bed. She feels embarrassed in hindsight. "I'm sorry you had to listen to all that, Janet. I didn't mean to bother you with it."

     Janet pauses; she smiles at her, friendly as always, but with more intention than usual. "Beth. Like I said, that isn't possible. I am here to cater to your every need."

✮

     "So, how did you find it?" Sanjay asks. Physically, he has a new glow about him, but mentally he seems uncomfortable in his own body; from his ticklishness during the massage to his dislike of the clay mask, Beth has gathered that spa days aren't really his thing.

     Her, on the other hand?

     "I loved it, actually," Beth grins. "Sometimes you have to treat yourself."

     Sanjay rolls his shoulders back uncomfortably at the thought. He keeps itching his skin, reminiscent of the clay mask.

     "I take it you didn't like it much?" she raises an eyebrow at him.

     "It wasn't too bad, I'm just... not sure it's my cup of tea," Sanjay decides on, slinging an arm around Beth to hold her closer as they walk home.

     "Maybe next time we'll try a mud bath."

     "Next time? Oh no, you're on your own if there's a next time, health benefits or not."

     "Never mind you," Beth grins cheekily, though it soon dissolves into warmth. "I might've made another friend. Tahani and I got along okay. Hey, how was it with the guys in the sauna?"

     "... Awkward," Sanjay recalls. "Chidi and Jianyu hardly said anything. Well, actually Jianyu said nothing. But Chidi actually forgot about his glasses when we first walked in, and they steamed up instantly. At one point, he started rambling about Nietzsche and Kant, I think to create conversation? Anyway, you didn't miss much."

     She laughs. "It sounds like I missed a lot."

     "Which is why I cannot wait to get home and put my feet up," he sighs. Beth leans in closer to him, and it feels heavenly.

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A/N:

the vibe we had going in this chapter:

a weird gripe i had when writing this chapter was that tahani goes to the sauna after the massage & facial, whereas i'm pretty sure it would be most logical to do the sauna FIRST before any massages or facials!! so i put the sauna bit first for that very reason. (fyi: i'm not an expert, just a pedantic writer who researched what order you should get treatments in a spa)

i'm a bit wary that beth hasn't interacted much with the soul squad yet, so hopefully this chapter helped with that a bit! it started as a "couple's spa day" and instead ended up being mini therapy sessions with exfoliation as a bonus. but trust me, beth is about to spend A LOT more time with them very soon... you'll see why.

thank you for reading, and also a BIG thank you for 3K reads! i'm so pleasantly surprised by all the support and really grateful.

p.s. there was a kind-of parks & rec reference towards the end, not sure if you could even call it a reference 😅 could be fitting since it's another mike schur show

p.p.s. this chapter marks the halfway point of act one! in comparison, the second half is absolute chaos, oh my god–

( PUBLISHED: 28th October, 2024 )