Taraji's P.O.V.

Me and Fantasia stayed in the hot tub until almost midnight, talking about all the elements of our lives from our upbringings to our careers to our personal relationships. We discovered that one thing we have in common with each other is that we're both struggling to move on from our ex's. Kelvin texted me and told me happy birthday, but I couldn't find it in my heart to respond to him. I don't know how to just casually talk to him without getting emotional because I'm still so hung up on him. I know that I initiated the breakup, but it's not necessarily because I didn't want to be with him. I was saving him from me because I love him so much and I don't want to ruin him more than I already have. I had to let him go so that he could leave with all the pieces of himself before I had the chance to break him. I come with too much baggage for one person to bear. I'm a recovering alcoholic that skips AA meetings because I work like a crazy woman. I'm overbearing and controlling. I put up walls and make no effort to let them down while still somehow expecting the other person to find their way inside of my heart. I question everything and trust nothing. I need to either change my tumultuous ways or be alone for the rest of my life.

As much as I wanted to just fall into my bed, I knew that I wouldn't feel right if I didn't shower again, and I wouldn't be able to rest until I felt completely clean. I was wrapped up in my towel in the bathroom, waiting for the mirror to fog up after I had stripped down for my shower when I received a text from Gabrielle saying that she was outside of my bedroom door. The cabin was quiet when me and Fantasia came back inside, so I didn't think that anybody was still awake. I tightened my fluffy Egyptian cotton towel around my body, passing the threshold between the bathroom and my room to get to the door. I could barely open it before Gabby was pushing her way inside.

Gabrielle: Where were you all night?

Taraji: You know that I was in the hot tub.

Gabrielle: With Fantasia?

Taraji: Yes. She didn't want to come back inside after you humiliated her in front of everybody. I know why you're treating her so horribly. You need to get over what happened between us. It was two years ago, Gab.

Gabrielle:*scoffs* Oh my God, I knew it. I knew that you like her.

Taraji: I'm not even thinking about that kind of stuff right now, not when I'm going through my shit with Kelvin. You have no reason to be jealous, Gab. I'll always choose you, but I have to choose you as a friend.

Gabrielle: Did you ever think that maybe your relationship with Kelvin wasn't working because deep down inside you know that I was really the one for you? I know you like the back of my hand, Raj. Nobody else can say that.

Taraji: Because you're my best friend, and I want it to stay that way. I don't want to lose my best friend. I need you now more than ever. I'm going through so many changes, but you're the constance in my life that I can depend on. I need you to be that for me and nothing else.

I found myself getting choked up on tears of frustration as I was expressing my feelings to Gabby. I'm so tired of having this conversation with her. It makes me feel like a horrible person because I can't show up for her in the way that she so desperately wants me to. I shouldn't be dealing with this stress on my birthday. I don't want to ask my best friend to leave my birthday trip, especially when she played the biggest part in planning it, but her presence is turning out to make things difficult. I just wish that she could let that one night go.

Gabrielle: You can't just ask someone to fall out of love with you. It doesn't work like that. You're pushing me away just like you pushed Kelvin away.

Taraji:*crying* I'm trying to keep you close, Gabby. Everything would change if we crossed that line again and I don't want to lose you! Why are you making me do this to you over and over again? You keep forcing me to reject you and it hurts. I know that it's hurting you. You're torturing us both.

Gabrielle:*sighs* Don't cry, Raj. I'm sorry, ok? I don't want you to cry. Please don't cry Taraji.

I broke down into full-blown sobs on her shoulder as she pulled my body against hers, embracing me gently. She let go of me and I stepped back as she reached her hand out to wipe my tears away. She tried to kiss me, but I dodged her lips. Is she serious? After everything I just said to her, she still tried to make a move on me and do exactly what I don't want her to do. In this new stage of my life I'm rethinking a lot of things, and unfortunately I feel like my friendship with Gabrielle is something that I now have to rethink. A tense silence filled the space between us when I pushed her away.

Taraji: Please go.

Gabrielle: Raj-

Taraji: We can talk in the morning, but right now I'm really tired and I just want to go to bed so I need you to leave me alone. Please, Gabrielle.

She knew that I was serious whenever I used her full name. I saw tears well up in her eyes before she turned and walked out of my room. I sighed, realizing that the shower water was probably cold by now. I just accepted defeat and took a freezing cold shower. At least I wasn't thinking about what just happened with Gabby, because all I could think about was how cold I was. When I was done, I lit a candle on the sink counter as I cleansed my skin with face wash, serums, and moisturizer. I put my fluffy robe on and padded over the threshold into the bedroom, sitting down at the edge of the bed to lotion and oil my body. I doused my wrists, neck, and the skin behind my ears in vanilla and lavender oil. I put on a big t-shirt with panties and sprayed my fluffy pillows with Dr. Teal's Sleep Spray before laying down. I wish that I would've gotten Fantasia's number in the hot tub so that I can text her until I fall asleep. I can't wait until morning so that I can see her again. With these growing pains I'm going through with Gabrielle, it seems like Fantasia is shaping out to be the only good thing about this trip.

Fantasia's P.O.V.

I was up before all of the girls, so I decided to cook breakfast for everybody. I know that I shouldn't be doing a damn thing for these women after they allowed their friend to treat me the way she did, but the natural nurturer within me took over before I could even think about it. I had my AirPods in as I mixed eggs with peppers and onions in a bowl to make omelets. I was chopping up another green bell pepper when my phone started humming with a FaceTime call from the woman who had been the subject of my thoughts and dreams for seven straight months. Stasi. Even though I had no idea what I could say to her, I answered. My heart skipped a beat when her pretty face filled my screen. I stopped everything I was doing and it was like I was frozen. She's so beautiful that it hurts to look at her because I know that she's not mine anymore. I was so lucky to have her, and now I don't have her. How did I allow myself to lose her? Letting Stasi get away will always be my biggest regret in life.

Stasi: Hi, pretty girl.

Fantasia: H-Hi Nastasia.

Stasi: So it's Nastasia now? What happened to Stasi?

Fantasia: I wasn't sure if it's appropriate for me to call you that. We don't really have that connection anymore.

Stasi: We don't? That's news to me. I thought that you would be a little more excited to talk to me. I've been communicating with LaLa and she's told me how much you miss me. I miss you, too. Are you having fun? I can't believe that you of all people is on a girls' trip.

Fantasia: Believe me, I'm just as shocked as you are. I'm making breakfast for everybody right now.

Stasi: That's my Tasia, always taking care of people. Did you hear me when I said that I miss you? I mean it Fantasia. I really do miss you.

Fantasia: But you broke up with me, and I think that you made the right choice. We have two totally different plans for our lives and we can't give each other what we need. I do miss you and I'll always miss you, but I have to love you enough to want what's best for you even if it's not me. At this point in my life, I can't go backwards with anything.

Stasi: When will you be back? I want to see you. I need to feel your energy face to face. I think that's something we both need.

I told Stasi that I would be back at the end of the week, and that was basically the end of our conversation. I don't appreciate LaLa talking about me to my ex, but Stasi was bound to find out that I still have feelings for her. I hope Taraji wakes up soon. I need something to take my mind off of the fact that I'm going to have to face my ex-girlfriend when I get back to the real world. I really enjoyed the time that I spent with her last night in the hot tub. I learned so much about her that's I would've never seen in the blogs and maybe even in an interview of hers. She's so much more than what she allows the world to see of her. She's family oriented even though she grew up as an only child and her parents had a difficult relationship. She's a huge advocate for mental health in the black community because her father suffered from bipolar disorder. She's strong and guarded, but she softens herself around the people who she trusts to make her feel loved and protected. She admitted to being a control freak, but she looks for qualities of leadership in a partner. She's a complicated woman, but nothing worth having comes easy.