Taraji's P.O.V.

Ashamed. That was all I felt when I woke up in Kelvin's arms, my lack of clothing an undeniable reminder of the betrayal I had committed against my own body last night by laying down with my ex. We are no longer together, but we have been doing everything with and to each other that couples do. I lifted my head up off of his massive bicep, leaning over to grab my phone off of the charger on the beside table. My lock screen was my favorite picture of us, a picture we took during a time when we were still happy and when we still loved everything about each other. I really need to change my wallpaper. I'm supposed to be moving on from him, but I keep making decisions that force me to get closer to him.

Out of all the men I've dated, he's the only one that I have ever came close to marrying. We were almost down the aisle, but we just couldn't quite make it there. I'm left to wonder how different my life would be if I actually had a chance to put on that pretty white dress and hear him say those vows to me. Would I be happier? Would I be more fulfilled in life? There's no way of knowing. If I can't answer that question then I probably shouldn't be laying with him, but I feel like the only place I have to go is in his arms. Just because I'm ok with being alone doesn't mean that I want to be lonely. There was no specific thing that was really wrong in our relationship, but nothing felt quite right between us, either. I think the reason why I'm struggling so hard to accept our breakup is because we didn't end up hating each other. If we're getting along so well, why couldn't we make it work? I believe that we still have love for one another, but we don't know what to do with that love. All the loving that we've been giving each other is just floating in the air, wondering where to go because it can't stay or survive between us. Kelvin hasn't broken my heart like my past exes. My heart is still fully intact, so why can't I trust him with it anymore? Growing apart while still wanting each other is a damning thing. Soul ties are reckless and they don't care who they effect. I'm about to be 43 years old in two days. I'm way too old for the toxic breakup-to-makeup-pattern, but nobody has ever made me feel seen and appreciated the way that Kelvin has. What if I never find that again? If I fully let go, what would I be losing? He's sleeping beside me so peacefully like he's not worried about any of that stuff. Oh to be a man who doesn't carry the emotional capacity and heart of a woman. I shook him awake, needing him to keep me company in this state of confusion and desperation for closure. He groaned groggily, rubbing the sleep from those damn big brown eyes of his that always managed to make me weak with one look.

Kelvin: What's wrong baby?

Taraji: Everything. Literally nothing is right.

Kelvin: What are you talking about? You were just fine last night and now you're flipping the script.

Taraji: It's called clarity, Kelvin. We shouldn't have slept together. We can't do this again. You need to go, right now.

Kelvin: I don't get you T, I really don't. You're the one who initiated the breakup just to call me back to your bed time and time again. I only come here because you ask me to, because I want to make you happy.

Taraji: But I'm not happy Kelvin, and you're not either. You can't lie to me and say that you don't want more than what I can give you. I can't be the woman you need me to be. You need to leave me alone and just forget about me.

Kelvin: If you want me to leave you alone then you need to start acting like you want to be left alone. You're confusing the hell out of me with all your contradictions and backtracking, and I'm ready to get off this damn rollercoaster ride with you. I'm tired of the bullshit, Raj. The only reason why I'm still doing this bullshit with you is because I still love you. I am still in love with you, Taraji.

Taraji:*sighs* You shouldn't have said that.

Kelvin: Why not? It's the truth. I know how much you hate liars.

How am I supposed to turn my back on this man when he talks to me like nobody else in this world could ever know me as well as he does? We spent so much time learning each other. Was that time a waste? I refused to look at him as tears formed in my eyes, but he gently grabbed my chin and turned my head so that our eyes were locked. 

Kelvin: I don't want you to cry, baby. I'll do whatever you want me to do that will make these tears go away, but that won't change how I feel about you. 

Taraji: I'm sorry that I caused all this confusion. I don't know what's wrong with me, but there's something missing within me and I feel like I won't be able to find it with you in my way. I still love you too, and I honestly don't know if I could ever stop loving you. But I need time and space to rekindle the love that I have for myself.

Kelvin: Your happiness is my priority, Taraji. Even if your path towards your happiness takes away from mine, I still want you to take that path. I'll leave right now if that's what you really want.

Taraji: It's what has to happen.

He kissed my forehead before getting up to put his clothes on and take his walk of shame out of my door. I sighed in emotional exasperation, lying back down and staring up at the ceiling. I covered my eyes with my hands as they filled with a fresh batch of tears. As I'm getting deeper into my 40's, I don't want to make the same mistakes with men that I made in my 20's and even my 30's for that matter. I'm almost a year into my sobriety journey, Empire is still going strong with record-breaking numbers, and I have amazing friends who planned a week-long trip to Aspen, Colorado for my birthday. I'm thriving in every area of life except for love. My phone buzzed with a call from Gabrielle, giving me a much needed distraction from my deep thoughts. I got up and put my clothes on, balancing my phone between my ear and my shoulder.

Gabrielle: Hey, sexy mama.

Taraji: Hey, Gab. You never call me this early.

Gabrielle:*chuckles* That's because you would usually never answer this early. I'm just packing for the trip. Are you excited?

Taraji: So excited. I need a vacation more than you know. I really appreciate you and the girls for putting this together for me.

Gabrielle: Anything for you, Raj. You deserve it. You've been so instrumental in keeping all of us together since we did "Think Like A Man".

Taraji: I had to. After all the fun we had on set did you really think that you wouldn't be stuck with me for life? Please. I haven't seen Megan in a minute, so it'll be nice to see her.

Gabrielle: We both know that I'm your favorite out of the group.

Taraji:*smirks* I can't deny that. Are you guys bringing any plus-ones? It's ok if you are, I just would like to know first. I know that LaLa is. She's bringing her cousin or her sister or something like that.

Gabrielle:*rolls eyes* No, none of us are bringing plus-ones because we're not tacky.

Taraji: So you're calling LaLa tacky? You know I don't like mess, Gab.

Gabrielle: It is tacky to bring a complete stranger on someone else's trip. I'll try to be cool with it if you're cool with it, but if that plus-one somehow ends up ruining your birthday, I'm throwing her down the mountain.

I chuckled lowly, shaking my head. Even though I'm wary of inviting new people into my space, I'm not opposed to LaLa bringing someone along on my birthday trip. The girls were nice enough to plan the trip, buy my plane ticket, and book the cabin so that I wouldn't have anything to stress about, so I really have no reason to complain. I'm looking forward to a week of laughter, cute snow outfits, and trying new and exciting things like skiing and zip-lining. I will welcome LaLa's guess with open arms until she gives me a reason not to.