Fantasia's P.O.V.

Walking through Taraji's home, the Mediterranean-style mansion was an eclectic mix of extravagance and coziness, her home decor a direct reflection of her bold yet humble personality. I wasn't surprised that all of the lights were turned off. I can't imagine the dark space that she must be in mentally. I think that I would kill any and everything walking if I caught my best friend fucking my ex-fiancé. I'm not sure if I'm the best person to advise her because of my undercover violent tendencies, but I can do my best to comfort her and help her see things from a different perspective. She could have called any one of her friends, but she called me. She's trusting me to see her at her lowest and most vulnerable. I just hope that things between us turn out better now than they did in Aspen. It would be foolish of me to try to deny the connection between us, so I'm deciding to explore it. However, that doesn't mean that I'm ready to completely absolve Taraji of her wrongs. I'm just not going to hold it over her head anymore. It's not like she's the only one who has work to do on herself. I have issues with control and I'm overly sensitive. I overreact and I take things too far when I'm pushed to anger or sadness. Taraji isn't perfect, but neither am I. I think that we could help each other and learn from each other, but two broken parts can't make something whole. I found Taraji sitting on the kitchen floor with her back against the fridge, her face covered in mascara tear streaks and her eyes bloodshot. Her right cheek was all scratched up and her hair was disheveled as if she had been in a fight. She had her gun in her hand and the sealed bottle of Jack Daniels was sitting in front of her on the floor. I lowered myself down beside her, pulling my knees up to my chest. She looked over at me, but she didn't say a word as she looked straight ahead again. We sat in silence until she was ready to talk. I wasn't going to push her or force her. She allowed me to take the gun from her hand and she didn't protest when I threw her bottle of Jack Daniels in the trash can. This time when I sat down beside her on the floor again, she laid her head on my shoulder. I had to fight the urge to touch her.

Taraji: Thank you for coming.

Fantasia: Of course. Do you want to talk about it? I understand if it's too painful right now.

Taraji: There will never be a moment when it won't be painful. She wanted revenge and she got it. I think Kelvin wanted the same thing.

Fantasia: Why?

Taraji: Because I killed his son.

I rubbed her back in circles as she broke down, hiding her face in her hands. Her shoulders were shaking violently as sobs wracked through her body. I angled my body to the side to feel closer to her, my knee almost touching hers when I tucked my feet under my bottom. Again, I wanted to touch her, but I avoided contact between my hands and her body because I didn't want to make her feel more overwhelmed than she already was. I think that just feeling my presence so close to her was enough. I wrapped my hands around my knee and rested my chin on top of it, waiting for her to gather her emotions so that we could really talk to each other. She lifted her head, roughly drying her face on the inside of her arm. She rested the back of her head on the left refrigerator door, averting her eyes up to the ceiling. I stared at the side of her face as she began to speak again, wanting to cover her cuts with kisses.

Taraji: I was working too much. Kelvin kept telling me to slow down, but I didn't listen. My addiction to work distracted me from my addiction to alcohol, or at least that's what I told myself. I thought that being a workaholic was better than being an alcoholic, but at the end of the day my life was ruined by both. I miscarried on the set of "Empire". I was alone in my trailer when it happened. It wasn't super bloody like in the movies. It was painful, but I just laid down and waited for it to pass. I don't think Gabriel suffered. Sometimes I think about what my life would be like if he was here. Me and Kelvin never talked about him. I was so afraid that I would forget about him. I never wanted to forget.

Fantasia: I'm so sorry, Taraji.

Taraji: We kept trying, but it never happened for us. I didn't even want another baby after the trauma I went through with losing Gabriel. I just wanted to make Kelvin happy. I was taking all kinds of medication to help with fertility, but they were wrecking my body. That didn't stop me from trying. I almost died, but he never knew because I didn't want him to find out. I put my body through hell for him to give him a baby that I no longer wanted, and he repaid me by fucking my best friend. Then Gabrielle...I swear I could just kill her. I think I'm more hurt by her than him. I think that as women, we hurt each other worse than any man could. The killing part is that I still love her. How am I supposed to just cut her off after everything we've been through together? She's hurting, too.

Fantasia: That doesn't justify what she did. She slept with your ex out of spite, not pain. You don't need someone that irrational and vindictive in your life. You'll always have to watch your back and wonder when she's going to stab you in it again. It's not worth the stress and mental anguish. I know you love her, but you have to love yourself more.

Taraji: I'm not very good at that.

Fantasia: It's ok. I struggle with it, too. We can help each other. You don't have to go through it alone.

Taraji: But what if being alone is what I need? You told me before that I don't belong to myself.

Fantasia: I was just being a bitch then. I don't think there's a problem with you keeping people around you. I think you just need to have better discernment when it comes to who you're inviting into your space to suck up your energy. That can be hard when you're dealing with wolves' in sheep's clothing. Unfortunately, you'll probably have to get your heart broken a few more times before you're able to spot the wolf right off the bat. It's something that we all have to learn, especially us women. When people talk about the life cycle, they don't tell you that betrayal and heartache is apart of it.

Taraji: How did you get to be so wise when you're so young?

Fantasia: Pain.

Taraji: I didn't mean to be one of the people who contributed to that pain. I'm glad that you're here.

Fantasia: I'm glad that you're here, too. Things could have ended a lot differently with that gun in your hand. I've been where you are right now. I tried to kill myself at 17 after fighting with my mom. I was so lost and hurt. I figured that if she didn't care about what happened to me then nobody else would. She drew blood from me, her own daughter. She put her hands on me first and she forced me to defend myself against my own mother. Where do you go after experiencing something as traumatic as that? How do you move forward with your life when the woman who gave you life would rather see you dead? She tortured me, Taraji. She would lock me in a closet for hours and force me to kneel down on a broomstick to pray. I always walked away with bleeding, scarred up knees. After I got my period at 10, she made me wear a chastity belt that electrocuted me when I tried to touch it. She said that because I was turning into a woman, I would want to do things that women do. I was 10 years old Taraji, I had no idea what she was talking about. When I was 15 I got asked out by a senior to prom, and when I told her that I was going, she tried to drown me in the bath tub. She pushed my head down under the water and said that she was baptizing me. She was like Carrie White's mom in real life. She clearly had an undiagnosed mental illness that she disguised as religion.

Taraji: Where was your dad during all of this?

Fantasia: Your guess is as good as mine. He was a free spirit. I think I get my artistic creation from him because he was a photographer. He would never stay in one place for too long. He would send me post cards of all the places he would go, but that's where our communication ended. While he was traveling every corner of the world, I was trapped at home being punished for being a girl by his wife. My sin was my mere existence and she felt the need to cleanse me of it. I don't know who taught me how to love, but it wasn't her. She didn't want a child. She wanted something to control. When she found that she could no longer control me, she didn't want me around anymore. That's why I tattooed this on myself.

I pointed to the tattoo on my thigh and Taraji gazed at it with pure admiration in her solemn eyes. I was completely caught off guard when she traced her finger over it and then kissed it. I stared at her and she stared back. She placed her hand on my cheek and kissed my lips this time. I didn't pull away, but I also didn't kiss her back. It's not that I didn't want to. I just didn't know if the feelings behind it were genuine or not. I've noticed that Taraji has a pattern of expressing physical affection to feel closer to people. I just don't want her to use me. When she didn't feel me responding to the kiss, she slowly pulled back, but not before placing a final peck to my forehead.

Taraji: Thank you for telling me that.

Fantasia: Thank you for listening.

Taraji: Are you hungry? I can cook something for you. If you're staying. It's late and there's a lot of hills out here. Maybe you should just spend the night instead of driving.

Fantasia:*smirks* Is that what you want, Taraji?

Taraji: Yes. I don't want to be alone tonight.

Fantasia: You don't have to be.

I stood up, holding my hand out to her and pulling her up off of the floor. I don't know where we stand now. The dynamic between us has shifted, but I don't know the direction in which it went. We're definitely closer now, but there's still this underlying layer of tension keeping us from being as close as we could be. We have two choices- work through it or leave it alone.