Taraji's P.O.V.

I stared at Dr. Robins and she stared back at me. I glanced at the clock on the wall, but I knew that I would eventually have to make eye contact with her again. Thirty minutes have gone by and not one word has been spoken, not on my end at least. The only thing that Dr. Robins knows about me so far is my name. I was sitting on my hands to keep myself from fidgeting anxiously, but that didn't stop me from shifting on the couch cushion every 5 minutes. There's an hour and thirty minutes left in this session. I can sit in silence for an hour and thirty minutes. I don't want to be here. Now that I'm home, I should be trying to find Fantasia. Then again, I guess I can't come to her all psychologically fractured and screwed up the way that I am. I can't bring her broken parts. If I want all of her then I have to be able to give her all of me, and I need to be in one whole piece in order to accomplish that. Dr. Robins sighed heavily for probably the tenth time today, uncrossing her sleek right leg and letting it drop. She leaned forward, pushing her Fossil reading frames up on her head as if they were a barrier between her eyes and mine. I bit my lip, finally pulling my hands from underneath me to fiddle with my fingers and twist my ring. I really need to give Kelvin this ring back...

Dr. Robins: Taraji, I know you didn't pay me just to sit quietly. We both could've been doing this from the comfort of our own homes. Time is the most valuable thing in the world that can be accessed without money, and yet we as human beings waste so much of it. If that's what you're here for then by all means do that, but leave me out of it. I have other clients who actually want my help and put in work.

I pulled my entire face in confusion and irritation. Aren't therapists supposed to be more gentle and understanding than this? I should've known better than to allow Gabby to pick my therapist. I bit down on my bottom lip and picked my nails until my cuticles started to bleed. This woman acts like I want to be this way. I just have so many things going on in my head at once that I don't know how to communicate my thoughts because they're so chaotic. My brain is split into three sections- one belongs to Kelvin, the other piece to Fantasia, and the final part to Gabrielle. But what's left for Taraji?

Dr. Robins: I can see the wheels turning in your head. All you have to do is say what's on your mind.

Taraji: I'm sorry.

Dr. Robins: Why are you apologizing to me? It's yourself that you're hurting, not me.

Taraji: I just have a lot going on.

Dr. Robins: Everybody who comes into my office has a lot going on. I'm going to need you to dig deeper or else we're never going to get anywhere.

Taraji: I think...I think I'm in love with 3 people.

She quipped one of her flawless brows, resting her notepad on her knee as she sat back on her chair and pulled her glasses back down over her eyes. Is she thinking that I'm a slut? I can't tell what is on this woman's mind. It's unnerving.

Dr. Robins: What do these 3 people mean to you? What place do they hold in your life?

Taraji: One of them is my ex-fiancé who I very recently ended my relationship with. The other is my best friend that I had a one-night stand with. Then there's Fantasia. I met her only a few days ago, but our connection was instant and strong.

I only smiled when I talked about Fantasia, not Gabby and Kevin, and I could tell that Dr. Robins picked up on that. She was also the only one whose name I used. I guess that means she's special. I just wish I would've realized that before I allowed her to walk away from me back in Aspen. I basically opened the door for her and pushed her out of it, but I wasn't trying to hurt her. I was trying to save her. I'm not good enough for her. I'm not even good enough for myself. I saved her time that would've been wasted on a relationship with me, a relationship bound to fail like every single one of mine from the past. It has to be me. There has to be something wrong with me. I expect everybody to abandon me, so I just make it easier for them. I think it hurts them less that way, but it absolutely destroys me every time.

Dr. Robins: Where do you stand with all of them now?

Taraji: Honestly, I have no idea. I'm being 100 percent truthful when I say that. Things with all of them just feel so unfinished. Like yes I lost something with all of them- God, I sound like a hoe.

Dr. Robins:*chuckles* Let's not lose focus, Taraji. You were doing well. Keep going.

Taraji: I was saying that yes I lost something with all 3 of them, but there's still a question of if I can get it back and who I want to get it back with. I know that I can't be in love with 3 people. That's not love. Two of them are just safety nets to protect me when I fall, because the one that I really want just feels so inaccessible. I just don't know who that one is.

Dr. Robins: You've been talking a lot about these people in your life, but you haven't said much about yourself. What is there to say about Taraji? Who is Taraji? I think that you have attachment issues. When someone comes into your life, you cling on to them and get everything you can from them before sabotaging the relationship. You're afraid to be alone because you don't see the value in yourself. Would you say that I'm wrong?

Taraji: You're not wrong, but it's hard to accept when I hear how pathetic it sounds out loud. I don't know why I'm like this. The whole world looks at my life and thinks that I have all my shit perfectly together and wrapped up in a pretty bow, but that's not why I got into acting. I was never after the spotlight and accolades. I just wanted to touch people. My entire life's work is about telling stories that belong to other people, but I always leave a little piece of myself in every character that I portray. I bring spirits to life and allow them to use my body as a vessel all while trying not to lose myself. I'm always left to wonder if the people in my life are around for Taraji or for the different versions of Taraji that they see in the media. Sometimes I don't even want to be myself, so I think "why would anybody want me". I'm no good for anybody. I killed something that was blossoming beautifully with Fantasia because it's hard to deal with a heart that somebody else broke, and I didn't want to put her through that.

Dr. Robins: But that was her choice to make Taraji, not yours. You didn't even give her the chance to decide how she felt about you. You just decided for her. You want all the control but you're not mentally strong enough to handle it. You need to let go. Do you do breathing exercises?

Taraji: Only when I have panic attacks.

Dr. Robins: Try to start incorporating them into your daily life. I want you to do them every morning you wake up and every night before you go to bed. I also highly recommend investing in a journal if you don't already have one. You said that you have a lot going on, and I can see that stress all over your face and body language. You can release it by writing your thoughts down. They don't have to stay trapped in your head, torturing you. It'll be like you're having a heart to heart with yourself, and self-communication is great for emotional regulation. That's something that someone in your position could seriously benefit from. Does that sound like a good plan to you?

I nodded my head, raising my thumb to my lips and subconsciously chewing on the nail. I blushed in embarrassment when Dr. Robins took my hand away from my mouth. Everything that she said to me is painfully accurate. I have issues with control, but once the control is mine I don't know what to do with it and I end up making a mess of everything. I'm messy and self-destructive, but I don't have to live my life that way. I can be better. I can be stronger, but I have to do it on my own. I wonder what would Dr. Robins think if she knew that I was going to Fantasia's tattoo shop after this.