​Chapter 35
Sien Pelarez

After graduation, Dad bought me a car. I was excited and psyched, of course! Having an own ride is every guy's dream. Well, one of.

Papauwi kami nang iniisip ko kung sino ang una kong sasabihan tungkol dito. I'm choosing between Mae and Jayce. I started the deliberation with myself and realized that Mae was winning. I tried calling her but she wasn't answering. I also sent her a dozen of text messages but I got no reply.

I gave her a day to recover from that little scene we had on the night of our graduation ball. I was hurt. It was a lot to take in but I figured it's nothing I couldn't handle. Sandaling tampuhan lang naman ito tapos magkakaayos na rin kami.

I opened our messenger thread but I couldn't compose a message.

This person isn't receiving messages from you right now.

She blocked me on Facebook? This girl's insane! Natatawa tawa pa ako dahil sa mga nangyayari. Nagle-level up na rin kasi ang pag-iinarte ng best friend ko.

I know it was hard for her to confess given the status of our relationship. We are best friends. It's our bond that's more important than an intimate relationship. And I knew that she was also just as scared as I was. But now that it's clear that our feelings were mutual, I'm taking advantage because I know that I have the upper hand.

"Hindi ka pa rin kinakausap?" Jayce asked. Umiling ako. "Bakit hindi mo puntahan sa bahay nila? Tita will welcome you even if she won't."

"Baka masakal sa akin," I said. Ilang messages ang pinapadala ko sa kanya sa text. Doon na lang ako nagre-rely dahil alam kong wala na siyang balak sagutin ang mga tawag ko. Kung dati ay umaga, pagka gising, at gabi, bago matulog, ako tumatawag ay text na lang talaga ngayon. "God knows how much I wanted to dash to their house and demand her to talk."

"Karma mo siguro 'yan! You know? For playing other girls to cover your feelings," he reminded.

"Oo na nga! Ang gago na nga ng tactic ko."

Hindi lumipas ang araw na hindi pinapaalala sa akin ni Jayce na ayaw na sa akin ni Mae. At first I find it fucking tolerable. There's no way she'd end our friendship just because of that, right? That's one selfish move. And I know Mae. She's a kind person, she knows better than that.

"Kapag nasa US na ako, 'wag kang magpapakamatay, ah?" seryosong sabi ni Jayce. "Best friend mo si Mae pero best friend mo rin naman ako. Pwede ka namang ma-in love sa akin. I won't love you back though, pero hindi kita iiwan." Kumindat pa siya.

Pabiro kong sinuntok ang tyan niya. Totoo na talaga ito. Magma-migrate na ang hayop sa ibang bansa!

"But seriously, talk to her, alright? Kahit hindi ngayon. Sa pasukan. You're still going to Summerridge?" tanong niya.

The moment I knew where Mae's going to college, alam ko na rin kung saan ako. She's enrolling to Summerridge under the MedTech program with Jesca. That's what Drian said.

"Of course, I will. Hindi ko naman 'yon pakakawalan."

"'Yan ang gusto ko sayo, best friend. Malandi ka ring isa ka eh, ano?"

Sinuntok ko pa ng isa ang hayop. Mukhang pasa ang maipababaon ko sa kanya bago siya umalis ng Pinas. He did not mind, though. I know he'd take what he can get. Iyon na lang ang kinaya kong ibigay dahil biglaan ang pag-alis nila. Their flight was rescheduled. Hindi na rin siya nakapagpa-despidida dahil doon. Iyon pa naman ang hinihintay ko dahil baka sakaling pumunta si Mae.

Drian proxied Jayce's absence. We both have problems that were kind of alike. We'd drink and play ball often times just so we could divert our attention from thinking about anything.

"Do you want Mae's schedule? I can ask Jesca for it," Drian offered.

"Really? Are you really going to ask Jesca or are you going to sneak?"

There's no way he's going to ask for it. Alam niyang mapapaasa si Jesca kung gagawin niya iyon. And Drian? He's avoiding all the moves that would lead her on.

"Hihingin ko. Dude, have you seen yourself lately? You look like a piece of crap! I just figured the schedule would help make you look more human."

It was tempting to say yes, but I refused. Alam ko sa sarili kong hahabulin ko siya pag nakuha ko iyon. Having her schedule would mean the death of me. I'd know her classroom, I'd know which course she's studying at a specific time, and I'd know which hallway she's going to take.

"Yeah, get it," I hesitantly said. Tumaas ang dalawang kilay ni Drian. "But don't give it to me."

Tumawa siya at napailing.

"Alright. I'll get it. Pero i-email ko pa rin sayo."

Pagkatapos ng klase namin ay dumiretso kami ng mga nakilala kong blockmates sa walkway. Ang daming estudyante, mostly freshmen tulad namin. They're holding a bunch of papers and asking for directions. Yeah. Freshies.

"It's just the first day and you're already eyeing on someone?" tanong ni Farah sa akin.

"I'm just looking for the rest room," sagot ko.

"Kilala ko ang mga ganitong hitsura. Guys like Sien? Matitinik 'tong mga 'to! Look at them," itinuro ni Darren ang kumpol ng mga babae, "I already saw three girls looking at you. Magaganda! Business students!"

"Isn't that girl your crush, though?" tanong naman ni Farah kay Darren.

"Who? Deena? It's just a crush. Pwede na kay Sien iyon! Kung hindi mag-work, edi akin!" tumawa pa si Darren.

I wanted to tell them to stop because I'm not interested in any way. If anything, I'd like to see MedTech students instead.

Tumigil lang sila pagkaalis noong mga Business students. Kaunting tuksuan ang nangyari pagkalapit noong mga babae sa lugar namin. Ngumingiti lang naman ako kapag tinutukso ako. Wala akong sinasabi.

Gusto ko ng buksan ang email ko. Tangina!

Pabalik balik ako sa hallway kung nasaan ang maraming estudyante. Sinubukan kong maghanap ng med students para hindi ko na bubuksan ang email ko.

I already killed majority of my time and I still got no luck. I pulled out my phone and did the right thing.

"Excuse me. Do you know where I can find Ambroise building?" tanong ko sa senior student sa information table.

After she filled me with direction and details, I left immediately. Malapit nang matapos ang last period niya ngayong araw. I want to see her, but I don't want her to see me.

I reached the building and her room. Then I saw her. She was smiling. She was okay and looked like she hasn't got any problems at all. She talked and laughed like she completely forgot about me. My chest tightened so I had to leave.

Ilang araw kong ginawan ng plano kung paano ko siya lalapitan. I imagined the scene from the first eye contact down to the conversation we'll have. The scene was light and the dialogues were happy. Masaya ako sa naisip ko, except that it did not happen.

"Hindi ka pa ba uuwi, Sien?" tanong ni Farah. I shook my head. "Sama ka sa amin? We're going to eat."

Nakita ko ang likod ni Jesca. I know it's her, so Mae's gotta be with her, too. And I was right. A student moved away from Jesca so I saw Mae.

"May pupuntahan pa ako. Maybe next time?" wala sa sarili kong sagot. Hindi ko inaalis ang tingin ko sa gawi ni Mae.

"Tomorrow?"

Tumango na lang ako at mabilis na nagpaalam. Darren even tried to convince me to go, so I had to walk away faster.

Halos madapa na si Mae sa paglalakad dahil sa pagte-text. Habang si Jesca naman ay salita lang nang salita pero hindi naman pinapakinggan ng kaibigan. I tried my hardest not to laugh when Mae hit her head. Gusto ko siyang lapitan at haplusin ang namumula niyang noo, but that's still wrong to happen. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mangyayari kapag nagkita na kami. And I still couldn't risk it as of now.

Ibibigay ko sa kanya ang lahat ng oras. So that when we finally talk and she wouldn't accept me, she won't ask for more space. Kasi kung gagawin niya pa iyon ay ipapadala ko na talaga siya sa outer space. Mabulok siya roon... kasama ako!

Shit. That's really enticing! Kung mayaman lang ako at gano'ng makasarili ay gagawin ko talaga.

Sinundan ko si Mae hanggang sa makarating sa parking lot. Hindi na niya kasama si Jesca dahil naiwan ito sa restroom. Nagtaka pa ako dahil, mula kay Drian, ay walang sasakyan si Jesca. And I know Mae doesn't know how to drive.

Siguro ay may sundo. Nagmadali pa ako dahil gusto ko na siyang makausap ngayon.

But I stopped track when she approached a guy about our age. Lumapit iyong lalaki sa kanya. It's too close for my liking! Gusto kong itulak iyong lalaki at kaladkarin palayo. Lalo na noong hinalikan niya ang ulo ni Mae.

Tangina! Siya na ba ang nagpapasaya kay Mae? Sakit pucha!

Hindi manlang ako nakalaban.

Sa una pa lang kasi parang sinabi na niya na talo na agad ako. That even if she loves me and I love her back, I'm still playing a losing game. Nawalan ako ng pagkakataon dahil tinaggalan na niya ako ng karapatan.

She doesn't want my love. I'm sure of that. Because... why wouldn't she let me explain? Why can't she risk hearing my words? That maybe I do love her back! Right?

Or maybe because she doesn't want to hear it? Because maybe she'll come running back to me if I say I feel the same way. Yeah... that may be it.

I can dream. Can I?

The next couple of days, I think I may have killed myself a hundred times. I tried seeing her after classes, but each and every time she goes out the same guy was always there.

Wala na talaga ako. I'm out of the picture. Kailangan ko ng tanggapin.

I met Joven from One Axis Dance Troupe during the membership drive of all the university organizations and clubs. I auditioned and passed. It's something that's going to veer my mind off from thinking about the what-ifs.

Outside the university I play ball when I'm vacant, and when it's my free period in between my classes I kill time in the dance room with some dance-mates. It's the routine I have everyday.

"So it's set, then? May yayayain pa ako, eh. Itatanong ko pa kay JV at Joven kung sa atin sila gu-grupo," sabi ni Ricks.

Magkakaroon ng dance competition ang Summerridge and it's open to all students.

"We still have to know the rules and regulations. I'm not sure about the maximum member per group."

"May poster na about dyan, posted kanina lang sa bulletin board ng theater. Shall we go see it?" asked Grace.

They agreed. And as a member I followed suit. Lumabas lang kami ng dance studio at niliko ang theater. Nag unahan na sila sa tapat ng bulletin board. Nagpaiwan naman ako sa likod nila.

"If you still want to join by the end of the day, tell me. I'm Grace Alano, by the way."

"Mae Rabarra," a voice said.

The moment I heard the voice introduced herself, I almost stopped breathing. She's here. Abot-kamay ko na naman. Fate's tempting me all over again!

Lumapit ako at pinanood ko siya habang may kinakausap sa phone.

"Pabalik na ako. May tinignan lang..."

She may have felt my stares that she threw a glance at me. Doon siya nagsimulang mag-panic. God, I wanted to calm her down and say I'm not going to hurt her.

Sino ba ang kausap niya? Was it that guy? If it's him... should I assure her that I'm not going to take her back? That I'm just here to ask for an explanation?

Tangina hindi ko kaya! Iniisip ko pa lang na ipaubaya siya sa iba ay mabaliw baliw na ako. Iyon pa kayang sabihin iyon? I'm not going to immortalize the promises, kasi alam kong kayang kaya ko iyong baliin.

"Mae," I called, breathless.

Iyon pa lang ang sinasabi ko pero tila hinihingal na ako.

I took my time to walk closer to her. I'm savoring each second that's passing as I watch her. I wanted to ask her what she's feeling. I want to know what's on her mind. I want her to tell me the reason for the grief, terror, confusion, and all other emotions exhibited on her face all at the same time right now.

"Hi! Um... I gotta go. May klase ako. Bye!" she panicked as I got near.

"Sandali lang, Mae!" I exclaimed as she bolted away successfully.

I tried stopping her but she was too unwilling to talk. That was the closest I could get and she still deprived me of small conversations.

Maybe she just really doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. No reasons. No nothing. There's nothing left for me to hope for. Everything's just a screwed-up mess.

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Hello! This is (maybe) the last chapter of Friendshipidity. :) Pagiisipan ko pa kung gagawan ko ng part 2 itong chapter 35. So it's either I'll post the part 2 next, or epilogue na kaagad. We'll see na lang. Thank you so much for reading! x