Chapter 29
The Key

Lumabas ako ng kubo noong tulog na ang mga kagrupo ko. Wala na ang mga nagiinuman kanina ngunit narito pa rin ang kanilang kalat. Lumapit ako roon para pulutin ang ilang kalat na nasa sahig.

Napalingon ako sa kubo nang humangin. I forgot my jacket. Mas malamig pa rito sa labas kaysa sa loob ng kubo. I adjusted the temperature before the girls slept into the right magnitude so that we could all sleep soundly. But I couldn't, so I got out.

"May maglilinis naman nyan bukas ng umaga..."

Hinanap ko ang boses. Nakita ko si Sien na nakasandal sa pader at nakahalukipkip. Nakasuot siya ng gray na hoodie.

Suddenly, I couldn't catch the beer cans lying on the ground. I slightly tilted my head up to see what he's doing. Nagsimula siyang pumulot ng isang can, hanggang sa magtuloy tuloy na.

"You don't have to help. I'm not going to finish all of these anyway."

"What makes you think I'm helping you?"

Napatigil ako. I felt blood rushed through my veins. Nakaharap siya sa akin kaya't tumalikod ako. Hindi ko pinansin ang mga dapat hindi pansinin. Nagpatuloy ako sa paglilinis.

"I'm kidding, Mae," narinig ko ang marahan niyang halakhak.

"It's not funny."

"Hey! Walang rason para mag sungit. I'm really here to help you."

Ipinasintabi ko ang trashbag pagkalagay ko ng huling kalat sa sahig. Sinundan niya iyon para idagdag ang mga napulot naman niya.

Normally, I would look for an out. And going back inside the hut to sleep is the nearest exit I could take. But then I knew going back wasn't an option yet for me now. I'll get bored thinking of things that will only produce problems which aren't there in the first place.

Humanap ako ng pwesto kung saan hindi basa ang gilid ng pool. Umupo ako roon at binabad ang paa ko. Niyakap ko ang sarili dahil sa lamig ng simoy ng hangin.

Sumunod siya at ilang segundo pa ay magkalapit na kami. Hindi ko mapigilang pansinin ang distansya namin. Clearly, he's too close for my benefit.

"I'd give my hoodie but then I'm..." narinig ko ang mahina niyang mura. Itinaas niya ang kamay niya at tinanggal ang kanyang hoodie sa isang higit lamang.

Nanlaki ang mata ko. That's why he hesitated... he's not wearing any shirt underneath. I even need to look away for me to catch a breath. Mas lalong nagsi-taasan ang balahibo ko nang marinig ko ang mahina niyang tawa.

"Isuot mo na. 'Wag ka nang magmatigas." Pinatong niya sa ulo ko iyong hoodie. Mabilis kong kinuha dahil baka mahulog sa pool.

"Hindi na. Papasok na rin ako maya maya," sabi ko. Nilahad ko sa kanya ang hoodie niya nang hindi nakatingin.

I'm looking at the stars. I marvel on how they manage to keep their shine on even when they're billions of miles apart from us. It's amazing how those little things stir emotions. It will always be a mystery how it can transform our sadness every night to interim solace just because that's what we really need.

"Stay for a while, Mae, please..." he whispered.

Pinakiramdaman ko siya sa aking gilid. Just this time, I will let myself lose. Tinignan ko ang jacket niya. Nasulyapan ko ang paghinga niya nang maayos pagkasuot ko nito.

"Lalamigin ka. I don't want to be the one responsible if you're out to catch cold," sabi ko. Pinaglaruan ko ang tubig gamit ang mga paa ko.

"Okay lang. Kaya ko naman. Ikaw... lalamigin," marahan niyang sagot.

Napalunok ako. Mahina ang boses niya. Marahan, parang humahaplos ang bawat salita. I want out of this because I don't know where this is going...

"I'm sorry, Mae."

My whole body went stiff. Gusto ko kaagad itanong kung bakit... para saan? Hindi ako nagsalita. Naghintay ako.

"I know if it wasn't for my feelings our friendship wouldn't have been ruined," halos pumaos ang boses niya sa pagsasalita, "Hindi ko alam kung paano kontrolin. I was a slave of my own feelings... emotion. I didn't know it was really impossible not to fall into you."

"Bakit mo sinasabi sa'kin iyan ngayon?" My lips trembled. I still couldn't look at him. Nakapokus naman siya sa akin.

My eyes gazed at the reflection of the lights on the water. The light danced with the water as I paddled my feet, and the cold feeling crept up my legs as the wind strike.

"'Cause I'm having the worse times admitting that I screwed up. If I could assemble a switch to control my feelings I know I would've done it long time ago," huminga siya nang malalim, "Kung hindi ako nagmatigas at nagpumilit ay siguro matibay pa ang pagkakaibigan natin. Pero hindi because I became so impulsive, thinking that everything might work."

Sinigurado kong hindi siya nakatingin sa akin bago ko nilipat ang mata ko sa kanya. Nakatungo na siya at nakapikit. Ang magkabila niyang kamay ay nakatungkod sa gilid para sumuporta.

"Why are you telling me this, Sien?" umiling ako. Pagod na ako sa ganitong usapan.

"It's just... I keep on hoping we could maybe be back to normal again one day. Ang hirap hindi isipin. Nakakabaliw! It is painful to even think that you're going to be just a history in my life. And I don't want that. I clearly don't."

Hindi ko alam pero para akong nabunutan ng tinik sa sinabi niya. I tried so hard to keep up with my heavy breathing. And while I'm doing it I'm thinking of something rational to say.

"Edi 'wag mong isipin. Pwede naman 'yon. It will spare you from all the pain and unhappiness..."

Mabilis umangat ang ulo niya. I saw his eyes flinched. I mentally cursed. I knew I didn't say the right words.

"Did I not tell you that I couldn't stop thinking about it? And that if I could discover a way how to then I would do it with no hesitations," he said with conviction.

Muling bumalik ang paninikip sa dibdib ko. Matapang ko siyang hinarap. I pursed my lips while gathering enough strength to answer. If only I have the vigor to push him away right now.

"Totoo? Do you really mean that?" tanong ko. My eyes focused on his, and then slowly, his emotions turned soft. I added, "Hindi ka magdadalawang isip?"

"It wasn't like that, Mae..."

Umiwas ako ng tingin nang mapasinghot ako. I covered my mouth as I fight back some tears.

"So I guess that answers the question a while ago? Iyong taong kaya mong i-give up at burahin sa buhay mo... It's me."

I was taken aback when both of his hands were suddenly gripped on both of my shoulders to shake me.

"Hindi ganoon, Mae! I was talking about my feelings and how I think! Iyon lang 'yon. You know I can't give you up. Baliw na baliw ako sa iyo tapos buburahin kita sa buhay ko? Heck no! I'm too in love to do that!"

Napaawang ang bibig ko. I didn't expect that, and from the look he's wearing right now I know he did not, too. Nahulog ang kamay niya mula sa balikat ko. Lumayo na siya't lahat ay hindi ko pa rin maproseso ang sinabi niya.

All the time he's bugging me, times he's acting like a jealous prick and acting like I'm his... he never told me exactly how he felt. And then we fell apart again. We did not talk and left the healing to the hands of time.

And then we're back here right now. He just basically confessed... specifically. It's not that I wasn't aware of what he's hinting back then but I was still confused. I'm still looking for something. Something to complete me? Something to solidify the foundation of my own being? I don't know! And I know it's stupid!

"Mae. Please say something," hiling niya sa mahinang boses. He looked miserable while waiting. Habang ako ay pinipigil ang pakikipagtalo ng isang emosyon sa isa pang emosyon.

Umiwas ako at kumagat sa labi. All the heaviness was lifted. It's like I'm blessed with this night. I know tonight that I'm finally going to be able to sleep sound.

"Are you okay? With what I said?" tanong niya. Iba't ibang ekspresyon ang nakikita ko sa kanya. Kulang na lamang ay tumalon talon siya para mapagpag ang mga iyon. "Kasi kung hindi I'm ready to take it back."

And that's my cue.

"Why is it you're always like that? Lagi mong iniisip na sana may switch na lang para sa lahat ng bagay. For your emotions, for your thinking? Ano pa? Feelings? Well guess what, it's good that we weren't made with one! Because if we were then we would be in control of our feelings. And if we were, then I know you've chosen already to forget me already. So it's good that you're forced not to."

I stopped so I could catch my breath.

"Kasi ayokong kalimutan mo ako."

May ngiting sumilay sa labi niya na kanyang nilalabanan. Nanginginig na ang labi ko dahil pakiramdam ko ay may nasabi akong hindi na kailangan pang sabihin. Tumayo ako. I almost lost my balance again.

Habang sinusuot ko ang tsinelas ko ay tumayo na rin siya. Tumungo ako sa tapat ng kubo at sumunod pa rin siya. Napadapo ang tingin ko sa hubad niyang torso. Itim na sweatpants naman ang kanyang pambaba. I even noticed its drawstring that's untied!

Pagkaangat ko ng tingin sa kanya ay nakangisi na siya. Naningkit ang mata ko at napaiwas. Tumawa siya nang marahan. I felt my cheeks turned red. Lumapit siya sa akin. Imbes na makalayo ako ay nabato ang paa ko sa kinatatayuan.

Lumapit siya sa akin hanggang sa halos isang dangkal na lamang ang pagitan namin.

"Kung ayaw mong kalimutan kita, ano ang gusto mo?" bulong niya malapit sa tainga ko. Even at this proximity I still have view of his lips. It's happy, and glad, all positive emotions describe it.

"Alam mo na..." nanginginig kong sagot. Dammit!

"Eh. Gusto kong marinig," humalakhak pa siya sa tainga ko.

Napapikit ako. Are we really talking about this right now? In the middle of the night... with him wearing only his sweatpants while I wear his hoodie? Nanlalamig na ang mga binti ko.

"Gusto kong..."

Nakarinig ako ng kalampag mula sa loob ng kubo. Parehas nakuha noon ang atensyon namin. Napalayo ako ngunit sa kanya ay parang wala lang ang narinig na ingay. Napaubo ako.

"Gusto ko ng matulog! Um... Bye!" mabilis kong sabi.

"Sandali..." Nakuha niya ang braso ko bago pa man ako makapasok. "Ibig sabihin nito ay pinapayagan mo na ulit ako..."

"Saan?" pagtataka ko. Hindi nakatakas sa paningin ko ang paulit ulit na pagngisi ng labi niya. Kahit ang kanyang mga mata ay tila masasaya.

"Sayo."

Hindi niya napigilan ngumiti. Binitiwan niya ang braso ko at umatras nang umatras. It's as if he's walking backwards.

"You gave me the key, Mae. And I will unlock all the possibilities of making us happen. Really happen. I'm not telling you to watch out. I'm telling you to wait for it. Because I will make sure that it's never not going to happen."

Binigyan niya ako ng malapad ngiti at isang kaway bago makapasok sa loob ng mansion.

I should be crept out, right? What he said was supposed to be creepy and suffocating!

But instead I am not. Gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. Nang makahiga ako sa kama ay hindi ko mapigilan ang pagngiti. It felt like this was what I actually needed all this time. And I'm about have it.