Chapter 16
Secret

"Mae, sasali ka ba? May nagtanong kasi sa aking blockmate natin kung may kakilala akong gustong sumali. Iyong si June? You know her?"

Hindi ako magaling makihalubilo sa tao kaya hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin kabisado kung sino ang mga blockmates ko.

"Anong sabi mo?"

"Sabi ko ikaw. If interested ka, contact mo na lang siya. Ito number niya." Inabot sa akin ni Jesca ang yellowpaper na may number. "Restroom lang ako."

Nagmistulang busy ang university ngayon dahil sa dami ng nagpro-promote ng kani-kanilang organizations. Ang festive rin sa pakiramdam ng ambiance ng campus na talagang nakaka-welcome sa freshmen.

Nakita ko ang booth nila June, One Axis Dance Troupe. May malaking speaker sila sa tabi table at may mga members na sumasayaw para makapang-akit ng new members. Sa kanila rin nanggagaling ang malakas na sounds na bumabalot sa Summerridge ngayon. So far ay may mga naglilista naman sa kanilang audition form.

Nang may nakita akong lumapit na pamilyar na mukha doon sa table ay tila umatras ang sikmura ko. Sinigurado ko muna kung siya nga iyon, at baka nagiilusyon pala ako.

Luminga ang lalaki at nakita ko nang mabuti ang mukha niya. And as easy as pie, I knew I'm done. I won't audition at all.

"So, tara? There! Iyon si June. Puntahan natin? Samahan kita."

Inilingan ko si Jesca. Binalik ko sa kamay niya ang papel na binigay niya.

"Na-save mo na ba? Itatapon ko na, ah?" Nai-shoot niya ang papel sa malapit na basurahan.

"Nope. Hindi ako sasali. Wala na akong interest."

"Bakit? Ang cool kaya nila oh," binalingan niya ng tingin ang booth. Nagiba ang tono niya nang makita ang dahilan. "Oohhh. See I told you! Nandito nga si Sien sa Summerridge! Amazing!"

Nang makita niyang hindi ako na-amaze ay mabilis nawala ang pagkatuwa sa mukha niya.

"Oo nga, hindi nga amazing. Sino ba kasi nagsabing amazing diba? So crazy."

Naglakad kami papunta sa susunod na klase. I think I saw June left their booth, perhaps to attend our next class also. Nagkatinginan kami pagkapasok niya ng classroom at ngumiti naman ako sa kanya. I could tell from the way she smiled back that she's expecting something from me.

I opened the topic to Gage after we dropped Jesca home. I made sure to leave the part about Sien because I'm not sure if I'm ready to talk about it with him already.

"I don't know where you're coming from because you won't tell me. I can give you some decent advices if you just spill the beans, Mae," he sheepishly smiled.

"Secret nga kasi 'yon. Ang kulit nito."

"Okay, okay. Akala ko makakalusot." Natawa ako. "But really, you should not let whatever's the reason for you to back out auditioning hinder what you want to do. If anything, I think you should do it for that same reason you won't. You know? Try to show them you're better."

"Pag iisipan ko pa." I won't. "Ikaw, magkwento ka naman tungkol sayo. Ang dami mong kwento tungkol sa ibang bagay, but I wanna know more about you."

"Okay," he chuckled. "What do you want to know?"

"Ikaw, kung anong gusto mong i-share," I shrugged.

"If you want to hear all of it I think you might have to stay until dinner," he grinned. "We should go to Jollibee. They don't have it back home and I'm pretty sure I'm going to miss it."

Tumawa ako, "Such a kid. But okay."

Nakapila si Gage habang ako naman ay nakaupo. Magka-text kami ni Aria, nagkakamustahan tungkol sa first days of college. She said she's rooming with her older sister, who's already in Med School. Luckily, she has the advantage when it comes to studying since she's got her Ate to coach her on things she will be struggling with. Nagkwento pa siya tungkol sa facilities ng university niya at kung gaano siya na-excite nang makita ang laboratories doon. I did the same. Ibinida ko rin sa kanya ang Summerridge at nagkwento tungkol sa binalak kong audition sa One Axis at ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ko itinuloy.

Aria: Sure ka bang si Sien 'yon? Baka naman puyat ka lang?

Me: Sure ako! I mean, Aria, ako pa ba?

Aria: You're right. I have no match to someone who's been obsessed to her best friend since God knows when. Pero still!

Me: Ang OA mo.

Aria: Still!!! Dapat nag-audition ka! You need someplace to unwind, medtech's going to be hell.

Aria: See? Sabi ni Ate, just right now, na dapat nag-go ka na!

Me: Alam mong may issue ako with Sien. Baka mas ika-stress ko pa 'yong dapat recreational activity ko kaysa i-enjoy. Isa pa, I cut him off from my life, and some part of me is still ashamed of what I did. Anong ihaharap ko sa kanya?

Aria: Why are you feeling like that? You know ang gulo mo. Kung 'yan ang pinili mong desisyon then you just have to deal with it. No remorses, no more damsel in distress-fuckery!

Me: Anong magagawa ko? Madrama talaga ang lola mo.

Aria: That's where you have to change, idiot!

Nagtype ako ng message para magpaalam kay Aria nang makita kong tapos nang umorder si Gage. Hindi ko pa naikwe-kwento kahit kanino ang tungkol kay Gage dahil magulo pa ang isip ko. Knowing my friends, I know they wouldn't let me bail even for a sec until they squeezed all the juices out of me.

"Okay, for starters, I am liking Jollibee more than all the fancy restaurants I've been to. Their chicken is a killer, man! Killer!" He took a mouthful of chicken skin and looked like he didn't have a care in the world.

"Hey, kiddo! Slow down, hindi aalis 'to. You can go back anytime you want." I took a sip on my coke float.

"You're right. So let's go back tomorrow."

"Palagi ka bang ganito? Laging..." I stopped eating to think for the right word.

"Thrilled? Excited?" he tried to supply but I shook my head.

"Delirious!"

"What? What's so delirious about me, Mae?" He laughed while seemed to be really enjoying his burger. It's sad that they don't have this kind of stuff back there.

"Hindi ko alam. Can you tell?"

"Alright. I am Gage Thomas, half-Pinoy, half-Awesome. Actually make that whole, because you know..." Umirap ako, this guy! "I am a year older than you, I think. I'll be back in Florida this Fall for college shits and all that. Hey, will you come back with me?"

Hinampas ko ang braso niya at tumawa lang siya.

"This is hard, Mae! Talking about myself is the least thrilling thing I ever have to do in my entire life. Just ask about anything. I'm not good with topics, especially about myself," he continued to eat in spite of his frustration. Masaya siya sa Jollibee, halatang halata!

"Sige na, stop right there!" Tumawa ako. "I won't wear you out. We still have time before you go back to Florida, right?"

I didn't know if I regret saying that but seeing a friend's face light up that much was actually refreshing. It was like, after all this time someone was actually glad of my company. It was something that I have never received from anyone else other than my friends. But of course those little moochers were always given.

"Yes, of course!" He grinned. "Suddenly there's like an earthquake in my mind that cause landfalls of ideas and something about myself to tell. What have you done to me, Cazandra Mae?" Umiling iling siya habang may ngiti sa labi.

I'm not quite sure either.

"So about your dance audition..."

"Nope, Gage. Never."

"Aghh. Dammit!"

The next day was bummer, it's just all school. One thing that I might say that I actually regret was what I said to June when she approached me.

"Hi! Um, Mae, right?" Nakangiti siyang lumapit sa akin.

"Hi, June." Hindi na ako nahiyang i-acknowledge siya sa kanyang pangalan. I will turn down her offer anyway, even if it's really tempting.

"So about do'n sa audition. If you're still interested, mamaya na 'yon sa dance studio ng university. Iyong malapit sa theater. Are you still in?" Her eyes were hopeful it wouldn't be easy to turn her down.

"Sorry, June. Conflict of schedule. Marami akong errands ngayon sa bahay, so..." I lied.

"Ohh. Sayang naman," ngumiwi siya. "Hindi naman 'to full time. Although lagi namang bukas ang studio for the dancers, required lang naman pumunta kung may pinaghahandaang event at kung kasali sa performace. Hindi naman 'to kakain ng oras if hindi mo hahayaan."

I gave her a faint smile, "Sorry talaga. I made up my mind."

"Sus! Errands errands ka pang nalalaman," pang-inis ni Jesca. Lumapit siya sa amin at sinabotahe ang excuses ko. "Nakita niya kasi na may balak mag-audition 'yong ultimate crush niya na dumurog sa puso niya kaya ito... umayaw. So, hi, June. Let me just present Mae and her excuses." Tinapik ako ni Jesca sa balikat at tsaka humagikhik nang malakas.

"Really? Sino doon?" June flashed me an amused smile.

"Si Sien Pelarez. You know him? For all I know he registered during the membership drive."

"Ah, yes! Oo, magaling nga raw 'yon. I think pasado na siya. Sorry, Mae," malungkot na sabi ni June, as if she was really affected by our past issues.

"Don't worry. Sorry din, I won't audition. If I have to choose between auditioning and building my group instead, I'll choose the latter."

"Grabe, what happened to you two?" June gave out a soft laugh.

"Puppy crushes," sagot ko.

"No, puppy love," corrected Jesca.

Inirapan ko ang magaling kong kaibigan. I verified to June that it's final that I won't audition. Even though memories of Sien were becoming more and more blurry it still wasn't bearable for me to handle his presence. I knew I wouldn't know what to say, let alone know how to move.

Nagpapakabusy ako kada gabi sa panonood ng movies kung walang homeworks or reading assignments. Minsan, pag feel kong maging huwaran na estudyante ay nagbabasa ako ng articles na tingin ko ay makakatulong sa studies ko. Oha oha!

Gage
What are you watching?

Ini-pause ko ang movie sa laptop para mag-reply kay Gage.

Me
Some Star Wars

Gage
Some? How many of those have you actually watched tonight? You have school tomorrow.

Me
Bagay kayo ni Jesca. You're like a dad. Boring stuff :p

Gage
Tayo kaya. *wink*

I shut down my laptop, realizing that I have almost watch three from the franchise. It's almost 1 am and I knew I have to sleep or else I'll be batshit sleepy tomorrow.

Gage
Before you go to sleep. I just want to tell you that I really like you, Mae. I'm giving you no pressure to like me back on the same level. Just say that you're into this just as I am and I'll be okay with that. It might not sound real to you that I am falling this fast. But hey, things like this can really happen to random people all because of special people. And you are special. So special, Mae.

Mas matindi pa yata sa kape ang sinabi niya para magising ang diwa ko. Tumayo ako mula sa kama at umupo sa may bintana. Para may drama effect.

I started thinking. If I say I like him back, I know it will lead him on. But I do like him back. The real question is: do I like him enough to pursue building this something that seemed to have started by us already? It's not easy to say that I am fully on the same page as him because I still think that I might hurt him in the end. And being one of the victims of unrequited feelings, I can say that it is one hundred times slap in the face to hear that the feeling I dearly crave will never be mine to embrace and to feel.

I am going to be unfair to him if I accept his feelings right now when I am seriously not sure if I'm going to be able to like him even more.

Kinuha ko ang phone ko at dahan dahang nagtype ng sagot. Ilang beses kong binura at muling nagsulat ng message bago ko nai-send iyon sa kanya.

Me
Ayokong masaktan ka kung hindi tayo mag-work. Remember what I told you the first night we talked? It's really true that I was brokenhearted that time. And right now, I'm still figuring out if I can do things such as what you wanted at this moment. I have to be honest with you, Gage, I don't know if I moved on already.

I fidget as I waited for his reply. Hindi maganda 'to. I have a bad feeling about this. But if Gage will back out right now, I think it would be for the best. He replied after five minutes.

Gage
Then let's just keep this as a secret for now. So if we didn't work out, we can act as if nothing happened. It'll be easy. Trust me, Mae. I can handle my own feelings. If you decided you don't want me one day, that's when I'll back out.

Napailing ako. Humiga ako sa kama, nilubog ang mukha ko sa unan bago sumigaw. I stopped when my phone beeped as another message came in.

Gage
Hey. Don't think too much. Sleep. Good night, Mae!

Oh, this will be a very long night of thinking.