IT SEEMS TO Maya that everyone around her has their sexualities completely figured out—except Estela but she is new to this—but Maya doesn’t. she has been trying to figure out where exactly she fell on the lgbtq spectrum for three years and yet, she has zero idea.

She hasn’t made any progress from the first time she thought about it—after that rainy day in the basketball court. She knows more about the lgbtq community as a whole and is much more educated but still. When it comes to her, all is lost.

Ji-Hyun next door knows she is “hella lesbian” while Zoe, her senior, knows that she is bisexual.

If only Maya could know.

She knows she is attracted to girls and boys, sometimes. But the thing is, after seeing Estela in that light, Maya hasn’t really had the heart to look at anyone else. She has tried to because she needed to figure out who she was but no luck. Maya has a spot reserved only for Estela and aside from a few seconds of attraction, Maya doesn’t bat an eye in anyone’s direction.

There is one person who can help her. Irfan.

But the thing is, Maya doesn’t have that kind of relation with him.

They are friends—he’s one of the few Maya feels comfortable with—but they only ever joke around. Estela has always been Maya’s go-to person, so, she has never sought anyone else out.

But Estela is not here and Maya needs someone.

It makes her nervous. She hasn’t come out to anyone. If she wants to talk to Irfan, she has to tell him that she is queer. Because there’s no way Irfan would want to discuss anything about that part of him if he doesn’t think Maya will understand.

Maya decides this is her best shot at trying to figure things out. She decides to call Irfan, meet up with him and take his help in figuring stuff out. After all, she once heard him mention how he was struggling with this.

She thinks of what she will say and tries to think how Irfan could react. At the end, she’s left with a weird jumble of sentences that try to ease away all disastrous outcomes.

When she calls Irfan, she’s a bundle of nerves but somehow, she gets through the call without making a fool of herself—a shocker, she knows. He agrees to meet up and Maya sighs in relief. She is by the bench, waiting for him, five minutes earlier than the time they decided. Irfan doesn’t keep her waiting for long and he strides towards her with a charming smile on his face.

“hey,” he greets easily.

“Hi,” Maya says tentatively. “Look, I know this might sound weird but I have been struggling with trying to put a label on my sexuality. I was wondering if you could share some of your experience because you once mentioned you were in the same boat. If you don’t want to, just say no and I’ll shut up. We’ll buy some drinks and chit chat about how much college sucks,” Maya says, all in one breath but she’s thankful she didn’t miss out any lines. Or maybe she did. She can’t even remember.

Irfan presses his lips together and for the life of her, Maya can’t figure out what might even be going on in his mind. Is he angry? Upset? Or does he think she has gone off the rails?

Thankfully, Irfan doesn’t let her torture herself with her own thoughts for long. “I’ll admit that I am taken aback but I am glad you reached out.” He smiles softly and it reassures her, making her shoulder relax even if slightly. “You want to buy me coffee regardless?” he jokes and just like that, the tension has melted away.

They start walking to the nearby café and Maya doesn’t feel as nervous as she did before.

“So, is there anything particular you want to ask?” he questions, breaking the silence and bringing back Maya from her thoughts.

“I don’t know. There’s so much I want to ask but at the same time, I don’t know how to,” she explains, twisting the ring around her forefinger.

“I can understand that,” Irfan says as he stuffs his hands inside his pockets. “I struggled a lot with my identity and I always had so many questions but it felt weird to ask. Because aren’t we supposed to figure this out on our own? I mean, reaching out and asking felt like I had doubts about something that shouldn’t even have been a question.”

“Exactly,” she says but she can’t articulate into words how seen she feels. She isn’t alone. There is someone who understands and god, that is a feeling Maya wants to hold onto.

“I’m glad you are ready to talk because this is something we need support with,” he says.

A silence wraps around them and it’s not necessarily uncomfortable but Maya has always had an insane urge to fill the silence. She feels like she is making the other person uncomfortable if she stays silent for too long. It’s her fear that the other person would think she is either rude or not interested.

“I am glad I called you,” she says and Irfan pauses. He tilts his head and shoots her a smile. Maya thinks he is beautiful. She has always thought he was attractive and when he’s being this understanding, it makes him even hotter.

“Me too,” he says and smiles.

“So,” she begins, gathering all her courage. “Do you think we can ever figure it out? If yes, how?”

“If I knew the answer to the latter question, I would have a label, you know,” he says and Maya realizes what she said. She blushes.

“Right,” she says, feeling embarrassed.

“It’s taken me very long to come to terms with it but I believe that it’s a question that doesn’t need to have an answer,” he says and Maya is ready to refute how stupid that sounds. “Or better put, it’s something that we don’t need to find an answer to.”

Irfan puts it simply and it’s something that will stay with Maya for a long time to come.

———

ok i may or a may not ship irfan and maya more than i ship maya and estela. tell me who you guys are rooting for.

also pls comment! i'll love to hear what y'all have to say.

stay safe and wear masks if you go out. love x