You know something, I always enjoyed the rain and thought it was supposed to be a good thing especially with the drought in California and all. But as I sit here working on some paperwork and drink my smoothie, staring out the window at the rain and thunder, I can't help but think why the hell it's raining so hard in the middle of June.

Especially when I'm going through a terrible time.

I rolled my eyes, looking over my work before setting aside my files and putting my stuff away in my bag.

It had been three days since I broke up with Harry and he hadn't called me. Obviously, this was the point of the break or pause; whatever you want to call it I suppose. We were supposed to be apart and work on ourselves, but now I just miss him like crazy.

When I would sit by a window and work he'd always come in and just lean in to kiss my cheek and tell me he loves me. He'd make sure I've eaten, ask me if I needed help, or just simply sit beside me to read a book.

Niall called me yesterday and asked me what had happened between us. He understood and reassured me he would call me to keep me updated if I wanted him to since Harry had been staying with him. Niall also told me that Harry had seemed pretty devastated over the whole situation but kept his head down and refused to talk about it. In fact, unless it was to sleep, Niall didn't see Harry at his house. He would be up early and home late, not talking to anyone.

I really hope he realizes why I'm doing this and not just shutting everyone out.

A couple more days went on as I drove to my main office where I get my cases handed to me once I close an old one or have to talk to my supervisor. It was in downtown San Diego so the traffic was terrible but at least I had my own parking spot and had one less thing to deal with.

I had no patience right now for the smallest of issues and I don't know if you've ever dealt with finding parking in a busy city but it's a nuisance.

Being a social worker meant I dealt with a lot of different cases. Sometimes simple misunderstandings like a teacher has a student with a black eye and they ask us to do an inspection of the household. Turns out the kid really did get hit with a door and just didn't want to speak up. Other times you get cases of drug addicts beating and neglecting their kids. Adoption cases we're more my specialty, making sure a child is happy where they are placed, checking the homes randomly, all that stuff.

It was a tough job but someone had to do it.

I decided to take a spin class with one of my colleagues after a brief conversation a few weeks ago. He saw me upset and we began talking some more when he invited me to this class he was too afraid to do alone. 

We had a talk after class as we waited for his Uber to pick him up. Although everyone was a big help and being supportive of my decision to take a break from Harry, everyone seemed a little biased and it was nice to get a fresh perspective from someone who didn't know Harry personally.

"He seems to be a bit immature from what you're describing." Travis worked as a social worker as well and was a few years older than me. He recently got engaged to his long-time boyfriend and was trying to get in shape for his wedding. I was going through a lot and decided that getting in better shape wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, so here we are.

“He can be, but I think it comes from never seeing a normal relationship. His mom was married three times, his sister is on her second divorce. I think- I know he loves me but that's not enough."

I didn't even recognize myself anymore. Here I was opening up to someone I just barely began talking to a few weeks ago like he was my new best friend.

No one can replace Harry though.

“I know what you mean, Ricky was around that all his life and it took years for him to put his feelings about marriage always ending in divorce in the back of his mind and just accepting that we were meant for one another.” I smiled at him. “So his flaw is not being serious about relationship stuff and not knowing when the jokes stop and serious stuff begins, right?”

“Yes, exactly.” he nodded and took a big chug from his water bottle.

“So...what's your flaw?” his uber showed upfront and he grabbed his stuff still waiting on an answer.

“I guess I'm a jealous person, I expect more than I should, I put other people's needs before my own...well sometimes. I forgive easily." I stopped when Travis placed a hand on my shoulder and smiled at me. 

“You're only a person Bonnie, don't be too hard on yourself. There's no shame in calling Harry either if you truly miss him. Just make sure you give yourself a little time to figure out more about yourself and what you like." I just nodded, waving as he left and I made it to my car to drive home.

*

It had now been two weeks and still no phone call from Harry. 

After a few more spin classes, journaling, and reading those self-help books my mom sent me, I decided to call Harry myself and check in on him. After all, he is still my best friend.

This had been the longest we've gone without talking since we met and I hated it so much. Although I was really beginning to start to see the beauty of being single, there was nothing better than to love someone with all your heart. But you have to learn to love yourself first.

Panic set in when it turned ten o'clock and I heard the phone ringing against my ear. It was Saturday, I drank two glasses of wine and let the alcohol take over. So many questions and thoughts roamed my head and caused me to shake in anticipation. What if he didn't answer? What if he was mad at me? What if I fucked up everything? What if he realized how happy he was without me?

“Hello?” my heart stopped and I felt the tears begin to fall at the soft sound of his sleepy voice. My mouth went dry and I couldn't speak. “Bonnie?” he said a little more determined this time. “Are you okay?”

“Harry,” I whispered clutching a pillow to my chest as I sat in the fetal position on my couch. “Um, were you sleeping?”

He cleared his throat and I heard shuffling around the other side of the line. “No, just watching a movie. Um… h-how are you? I was sort of dozing off. Are you okay?”

“I'm okay, just watching TV and drinking wine. You haven't called in two weeks and I guess I miss your voice." I slapped my palm against my head and rolled my eyes.

“Oh, well I thought not talking would be less painful for a few days. I've been busy with work, the gym, and therapy that I just been distracted-”

“Therapy?” my jaw dropped. Harry never really thought therapy was helpful. In fact, all the years I've known him he thought it was a bunch of mumbo jumbo and refused to go even after his mental break down when he moved back to San Diego even though his mom told him not to.

“Oh yeah, my insurance pays for it, I guess I just needed to get some things off my chest and you always talk about how everyone needs it. It's been good, I mean I've only gone to three sessions but I like it and my therapist is a cool dude.” 

I couldn't help but smile at how his voice was beginning to cheer up. I was positive no one knew he was going since I've been keeping tabs on him with Niall. “Well, I'm happy for you.”

“Thanks, I uh-” he cleared his throat again, “- well I miss you a lot Bonbon, even after talking about my feelings and stuff, I still hate that were on this break but maybe it was needed to push me to be a better man. So even though I miss you, I think you were right.”

I hated being right all of a sudden.

“Yeah, I'm getting there too. Maybe we can see each other for the fourth of July? Watch the fireworks from my car?”

“That would be great.” his voice really sounded happy. “your voice sounds so beautiful I missed it." I laid down on the couch and sighed.

"I missed your voice too, I listened to an old voicemail on my phone a few times." Neither of us laughed but I could tell he understood why I did it. "I don't know how this break thing works but I want you to know I love you."

"I love you too. God your voice is making me feel some type of way." He whispered. My eyes widened and the dryness in my mouth returned, but a new wetness between my thighs began to form. "I'm sorry, I'm probably pushing it. How was your day?"

I played with the string to tighten my pants and loosened the knot. "Good, and please don't worry about that. Your voice is making me tingle all over." My mind caught up to my actions and I immediately remembered what my mother had said about having sex and how it confuses the mind into thinking things we're great.

We still had a lot of growing to do.

"Yeah...where?" I bit my lip.

"Uh… I have to go."

"Oh...right…" I could practically hear his voice deflate

"I'll talk to you soon. Promise?" He agreed before we hung up and I ran to take a cold shower.

I didn't just miss sex with Harry, I missed that connection mentally and emotionally. God, this break better help me grow or some shit because this was terrible.

And what I hated the most was that it was my idea.

*