Please don't be upset with me and beat me and use my real name to cuss me out in the comments. Every time someone uses my name I freak out lol. Thank you for reading, voting, and all your comments. ❤

🍄

Harry and I didn't talk the rest of the night and in the morning the only words I told him was that I wanted to go home. He wanted to talk to me but I was still upset for a number of reasons. One particular reason was what he said yesterday about how things were better when he was just having sex with me. It hurt me really bad. He was just constantly saying the wrong things and I was done just pretending I wasn't upset with him over it. He wasn't just a friend who can say messed up things jokingly, I was also his girlfriend and there should be some amount of respect that comes with that.

So here we were, driving home in a very quiet car as Harry played Joan Baez, The Smith's, and Fleetwood Mac; all the music he would listen to when he was sad. I just kept looking at him as he drove and stayed quiet, almost as if he was letting the lyrics of all his favorite depressing songs soak into him.

Two hours in silence and then we were home. I immediately went inside the house to unpack and put a load of laundry into the washer before walking into the office and locking the door to call the one person I felt like would give me some solid advice. 

"Well, it's about time I get a phone call from you, little missy." The voice spoke on the other side of the line.

"Hi, mom." I turned on my chair to look out the window from the apartment out to the view of the parking lot. My mom was the only person who would give me good advice. Although my friends were great, if I told them that Harry and I were arguing, their first instinct would be for me to dump him.

In normal mom fashion, she could tell I was upset instantly. "Oh sweetie, what's the matter? Aren't you supposed to be on vacation?"

I decided if I wanted genuine advice I have to tell her everything, so I spared no details in mine and Harry's fight. She listened to every word and never interrupted me to pry or give an opinion until I finished. "Well, do you want me to be honest with you sweetie?"

"Yes, I need it. I need you to be a therapist mom right now and help me." She chuckled but then sighed quietly.

"You and Harry were in serious relationships less than a year ago. You were in love with someone else, he was living with and loved someone, although he loved you as well, he was in a relationship with someone for a reason. You two started doing your hanky panky, moved in together, went full throttle into a relationship without the growing as individuals first. You're afraid of losing each other because you two are still so fragile, Bonnie. Seeing each other all the time isn't good for you so soon in your relationship."

I didn't realize I was crying until I felt a drop of my tears fall onto my leg. "I don't want to lose my best friend," I whispered as my voice finally cracked.

"And you won't if you talk this through. But if you don't have this talk, if you just move on, it's going to come back and break you guys for real. Harry's an understanding kid and you two have to grow, learn, and love yourself before you can love each, Bonnie. Harry will realize that."

"What are you suggesting I do?" I whispered.

"You two need to talk about it. Take a break from the relationship." She suggested.

"I don't want to break up with him." My voice was louder than before.

"Then don't break up, take a pause, just talk it out, and don't have sex until you figure it out. Sex has a way to make you feel like things are okay when they're not sweetie. A pause can really help out on reflection of one's own problems. It could be a week or a couple of months but when you two are ready, you'll grow from it. Look your dad and me, we had two pauses in our relationship and now we're stronger than ever.” 

My eyes widened in shock. “I didn't know that,” I admitted

“You're going to be fine honey. I'll call you back later, I have a client waiting for me, are you going to be okay?"

I nodded before speaking up. "Yeah."

*

Harry was folding my clothes when I finally came out of the office. My hair was a mess, my eyes were bloodshot red, and it was clear I had been crying. He looked even worse than I did, which was killing me. Harry crying was something I hated to see. It was like someone was stabbing me in the heart every time he cried. I guess love does that to you, makes you rather want to crawl over broken glass rather than see them hurt.

He looked at me. We had a long moment where we just stared at each other for a while. That's when I said the words I didn't want to say, those cliche words that every fucking movie and story said. The scary words in a text we all stared at for a long time and contemplated what they could mean. Except for this time, there was a clear meaning behind them.

 "We need to talk." 

He paused and gently set the shirt he was folding down onto the top of the washer before looking between me and the living room where I followed him to take a seat. The tension was strong and I hated that it was so quiet. We sat across from each other and I could tell his breathing was getting louder and he was nervous. "I fucked up, huh?" He pushed his hair back.

"We both did," I admitted. "I-"

Harry held my hands gently catching me off guard as he lifted them to his mouth to kiss. He pressed them to his cheeks and took in deep breaths. "Please don't break up with me." He whispered.

"I need to know if you still have feelings for Jessy?" He shook his head and told me he didn't. "Harry we need space-"

He stood up and began to pace. "No- I didn't do anything wrong! I did nothing that that can't be fixed! Why are you punishing me! Am such a shitty boyfriend that you have to dump me." 

I followed him as he began to pull at the roots of his hair. I grabbed his hands and placed them against my heart. "Stop. We moved way too quickly and I'm starting to realize it, Harry. We shoved ourselves into a relationship before we even got to the source of our problems. We haven't changed though. What we sought out to fix has just been covered up by getting in a relationship. You got a job and I learned a few new moves but the reality is that we didn't fix anything about us as people."

His eyes glossed over and he dropped to his knees, wrapping his arms around my legs and holding me in place. "Please don't break up with me." 

"We just need time, it's not forever. We just need to think and breathe." I bent down and held his face in my hands. His eyes looked away and he quickly released my legs. “Baby look at me.”

“Will you still be my best friend?” I sat down and pulled him into my chest as he began crying.

“I'll always be your best friend. We just need some time. Time to be by myself and get to know me." I repeated again.

Last night, the car ride here, and the time I spent in the office all made me really realize that I loved Harry a lot, but I should have just spent time on my own for a bit longer than a few weeks and really take care of myself. Harry needed to learn to think before he spoke, focus on bettering himself. There was love here, so much love between two fucked up people. What I didn't want to happen is for one day to wake up and realize I'm unhappy.

*

If it wasn't for the clock in the living room telling me that Harry and I were sitting on the ground for thirty minutes, I would have guessed we had been here holding each other for hours. He gently sat up and put his head between his knees and let out a deep breath before shaking his head and standing up pretty fast. He was now past his sad stage and clearly was angry. His disgruntled walk towards our room and the sudden smack against the bedroom door made me realize he really wanted me to just smile and say “sike”.

I followed him in the room and watched as he began packing his stuff into a duffle bag and grabbing all of his shoes to shove them in a plastic bag. “Where are you gonna go?” I asked standing by the door.

“Probably a hotel tonight until I talk to Niall.” he shrugged looking around the room for anything he might need.

“I know it's stupid and you're upset but please just stay in the office, Harry. At least for tonight.” he didn't respond, clearly angry that we were now on a break. He was probably pissed now and I was getting a bad feeling that he would do something stupid. Him sleeping with someone else in anger was a bitter pill to swallow. “Do you hate me?” my voice cracked causing him to stop and turn to me. “Are you gonna sleep with other people?”

“Bonnie.” he sighed. “Of course I'm not. Until the day you stand here in front of me and tell me that you want nothing to do with me and we’re over, I'm always going to be yours. I'm upset because I know what I did and I knew that this would happen. I can't have nice things because I ruin them.” I was going to talk when he stopped me. “It's okay, I'll call you in a few days or something.” 

He grabbed his stuff and walked out towards the front door and opened it before turning to me. “I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you. Bye.” he walked out and closed the door behind him.

A feeling washed over me that I couldn't recognize. I assumed I would cry, but instead, I just walked to the office, opening my phone and calling my friends for an emergency wine night.

*

Thanks for reading. Xx

-k