I hardly slept last night, but this time it was not because I talked on the phone with Ethan for too long... it was the opposite.

After talking to Delia, I went up to his room to see if I could apologise or make peace or just explain myself a little better than I'd done earlier in our kitchen. Ethan wasn't there. He'd gone for a run. A run that went on and on and on for hours.

He only goes on runs that long when he's had a particularly bad fight with his father. I hate that I was somehow the cause of that run, and to be honest, I still don't quite understand why he is so mad at me.

I went home, did my homework (sloppily) and waited and waited, reading my novel until I finally saw a light in his window. His curtains were drawn, and they were still drawn this morning. Usually, he opens them when he's at least wearing pants.

I missed receiving silly messages from him or hearing him whistle to gain my attention. I waited for both, but neither happened. I wanted to send him a message, but the words wouldn't come, and those closed curtains were extremely intimidating. Ethan doesn't like having them closed.

I finally decided to speak to him face to face today and fell into a fitful sleep.

Here he is in front of me now, but I've lost my voice and my reason and wordlessly hand him the container filled with the lunch I made him. I don't even know why I'm giving it to him now. Perhaps I'm hoping that it will open the door to conversation, but it's not. Ethan's eyes are dull and distant. I'm not even entirely sure that he is seeing me.

"Thanks for bringing my bag," I whisper, feeling uncomfortable and out of place.

"Sure," he grunts, taking the big lunchbox from me. "Thanks."

Why do I have to have first-period maths today when I really don't think I can be at the desk next to Ethan's?

Opening my schoolbag to retrieve my textbook, I slide The Pirate Who Knows Stuff out as well and, rising from my seat; I weave among the desks to tap James on his shoulder. This task at least affords me a minor break from Ethan's proximity.

"Hey," I say when James turns his head to look up at me. He seems startled to find me by his side, and a slightly nervous smile is touching his lips. Oh, no! Did Ethan tell him about our fight? Is he mad at me too?

"Hey..."

"I brought you something," I say before he can add any more salt to my already burning wounds and hand him the book. "I finished it last night."

"Wow! Thanks!" His smile has lost its confused edge and is very sincere now. "Did it stay good until the end?"

"Oh yes! I'm going to write my report on it."

"Oh," he is a little disappointed now, but then he shrugs. "Uhm... two people can report on the same book, right?"

"Can't see why not." And now I'm standing here, feeling awkward again. I get along with James pretty well, but he is Ethan's friend, and we don't generally hang out very often unless we're in a large group.

"I brought you something too," he surprises me, digging in his bag when I'm about to turn away and return to my seat. "Here."

And there in his hands is the second volume in The Pirate series. The Pirate Who Lost His Mind... I can relate. I may not be a pirate, but I'm definitely in the process of losing my mind.

"Awesome! Thank you!" I take the book and hug it to my chest. Finally, something a little more cheerful to start the day with. I'll drown my sorrows in the joys and mishaps of the bungling crew of the Happy Harpy. "Hey," I say, hit by inspiration now that I'm cradling a juicy book in my arms. "Since I'm just starting with this one, and you're starting that one. I'll do my report on this one."

"You sure?"

We chat about the books a little more, and then our teacher enters the classroom, and I reluctantly return to my desk next to Ethan's. I caught his eyes on me when I turned away from his friend's desk, but now he seems to be fully invested in finding the chapter in our maths book where we left off last time. Usually, when he's not a pest, he lies down on his arms and goes to sleep. The teachers leave him because it means that they can present their class in peace.

I sink into my chair and turn to look at Delia. The desk chase Ethan and I took part in last week has taken me too far away from her to try to talk to her or gain some confidence from her presence.

We didn't speak much on our way to school today because it was raining, and Mr Fletcher dropped us off. Looking at Ethan, I hope that his hair is damp because he had a shower and not because he had to have rugby practice in the rain.

Class after class, I get to concentrate and do my work with no interruptions or annoyances from Ethan at all, not even in the ones where he is seated near me. Even the teachers are giving him somewhat confused looks because he is never this well-behaved in class... while awake. I am relieved and upset when the bell rings.

Relieved because I get to escape and upset because there will be no sitting with Ethan and his friends today. Instead, I'll have the pleasure of reading the new book while Delia and Simon lovingly gaze into each other's eyes. I'm used to it; why am I suddenly seeing it as soul-sapping and sad?

The sun has soaked the moisture from our favourite lounging spot on the grass under a huge, shady tree. At first, Delia tried to talk to me about the uncomfortable atmosphere between Ethan and me, but when I just shrugged and opened my book, she decided it best not to push the subject and concentrate on cuddling her boyfriend instead.

What am I supposed to say?

Walking here, I even heard a couple of girls sniggering about trouble in paradise and how they'd been sure that whatever had been going on between Ethan and me couldn't possibly last and were, therefore, not surprised.

Well, they were right, after all.

This is quite true to form. Start dating on Friday and break up by Monday... Only Liam lasted longer, but we were just working on a project. So are Ethan and I, but our project is a failure, while the project with Liam was quite successful.

I gasp in surprise when a shadow falls over me, deepening the shade of the tree, and then Ethan is sitting down next to me. Sitting is a generous term because he is pretty much collapsing in a heap, unceremoniously moving my book out of his way to put his head in my lap. Curling onto his side, he casually goes to sleep.

Just like that.

I flash huge eyes at Delia and see her happy smile. She winks at me, weaving her fingers with Simon's. He is smiling too, clearly also pleased to see me being used as a pillow. We spend the entire break like that. I am intermittently stroking Ethan's hair and paging in the book. The sea is bluer now and the pirates more lively; the melancholic tone has disappeared from the book and from the world.

I would actually like to sleep too, now.

When the bell rings, and Simon walks Delia to her class, I gently wake Ethan. After more than one attempt, he finally sits up and stretches before he unceremoniously digs my gum tin from my skirt pocket and pops some into his mouth. I always have it there during break time for after-lunch freshening up.

Ethan is taking his time, making it impossible for me to get to my feet, and when he hands me the tin, his eyes are suddenly burning into mine.

"Look, Kicks," he says, slowly running the tip of his tongue over his lips. "If you want to end this, I won't force you to stay my girlfriend, but please, end it for a good reason, not for something pointless, like whatever the hell it was that Amber and I used to get up to. End it because you hate this situation and cannot stand being my girlfriend, and you want out. Or because you've realised that you want to be with a cool guy like Burlap."

"What?!"

"Not because I sometimes got together with Amber on holidays... Please..." he rests a hand on my shoulder, his eyes running over my face as though he is searching for something.

"I don't h-hate this," I mutter, feeling completely unnerved now. "And I don't want James..." I definitely don't want misunderstandings like that to take root. I like James, but I'm not in love with him. I'm not even sure I have a crush on him.

Ethan narrows his eyes at me, swallowing slowly. His eyes have a bruised look about them that I don't like, and my fingers, out of their own accord, of course, reach out and stroke his brow.

"I just didn't want to be in the way if you wanted to be with her," I tell him sincerely. "I thought maybe she was at least part of the reason why we're doing this... why you want to change... I didn't mean to upset you... I'm sorry. I definitely don't want to pass you on to her."

Now, where were those words yesterday when I needed them?!

The sun is rising on Ethan's face, his eyes are losing their dull sheen, finding their mischievous sparkle again, and then he smiles, his dimples showing up to play in his cheeks.

"No, Kicks," he says, looking into my eyes. "She's just someone I passed the time with because I was frustrated. She's got nothing to do with us."

I can see that he means it, and the smile I'm giving him feels filled with warmth and sincerity. It is washing away the growing cobwebs in my heart and mind. The subtle throb of a headache that had been building all morning dies down, and I can breathe again.

"Does this mean I can kick her butt if she comes near you?"

"I'm counting on it," he grins.

"Ow!" I gasp when Ethan grabs my ponytail, and before I can explain to him the virtues of gentleness and non-violence towards hair, he pulls me into his arms, crushing my face and suffocating me in his shoulder. I wrap my arms around his neck, enjoying the closeness and his warmth for a few seconds, and then I pull away and try to tell him that we need to get up and go to class, but his lips find mine, and for many seconds, way more than three, I forget that I'm sitting on the lawn at school and that there are students milling about going to their classes.

For a breathless moment, there is only me and Ethan, his soft lips caressing mine and his fingers in my hair.

♂♀