Hanging out with Burlap last night helped to calm me down a lot, and I finally accepted that I might've misunderstood what Kicks was trying to say to me.

It got pretty late, and I eventually had to go home; I was relieved that the house was quiet when I got there. My parents went to bed ages ago; they don't wait up for me when I'm at the Croft's... and that is where they thought I was. Sneaking up the stairs to my bedroom, I wasn't surprised to find Deli in my bed.

She was sleeping chaotically all over my bed and when my sister sleeps, a stampede of rabid donkeys couldn't wake her. For a while, I just stood there, staring out my window, looking at Kira's window, and then I shut the curtains, afraid that I might go over there and make things worse than they already were.

After creeping around my room, gathering everything I needed for school and rugby, I went to Deli's room and slept in her bed. I was glad that she was asleep because I did not feel up to a warm brother-sister conversation. I don't know if Kira told her what happened, but if she did, my sister would have a lot to say about it and my head was already filled with too many things.

Lying in her bed, staring at my phone's screen, I came very close to calling Kira, but fear stopped me. Things escalated so fast earlier, and I was still not entirely sure what I was supposed to say or think. The one thing that stood out clearly and brightly in my heart and mind was that I wouldn't be able to take it if things between us ended.

This experiment has unblocked everything I've been keeping bottled up, and I don't think I can turn back now. I'm rattled to the core. For a moment, it started to feel as if our relationship wasn't made of rice paper and cobwebs after all. I started to think that it had more substance and was more solid. Now, I'm not so sure anymore.

It might be true that Kira is not trying to push me to Amber, but that doesn't mean she wants to be with me. If she did, she would've said so by now, wouldn't she?

My mom always says it's best to have arguments and discussions during the day when your brain is fresh, and you're less likely to say stupid things due to exhaustion. Grandma Fay always says never to let the sun set on an argument, but what if the sun had already set before you started arguing?

My head was about to explode, so I gave up on the idea of calling or texting Kira, and after rolling around for hours, I finally fell asleep long enough to be really tired when my alarm clock went off.

Today was the second day I sucked at rugby practice due to a lack of sleep, but I wasn't walking on clouds, feeling playful and happy this time. Fortunately, we all sucked because playing rugby in the rain is a muddy, slippery mess, and Coach finally called it off because of the danger of mucking up the rugby field.

It was a relief to just shower, get dressed and come sit in the empty classroom. I'm not in the mood to chat and mess around with any of my friends. They were curious at first, probably even a bit worried, but they eventually got that I just wanted to be left alone. Burlap is not trying to talk sense into my head anymore. He knows my brain is saturated.

He just sits here at my desk, reading on his phone and giving me compassionate smiles whenever he glances up and catches my eye. Burlap is good at giving me space. He's been trying to teach me the same skills, but it's not really taking. I try, but I suck at it. I struggle to sit still and shut up when I'm not feeling mopy. It helps if I pop in earphones and watch a movie on my phone. Today, I'm good at just sitting and shutting up without any help. It's probably pretty impressive.

Sometimes, just being together in the same place, each doing their own thing, is all we need when either of us is having a tough time.

When the students start to arrive, streaming into the classroom, Burlap squeezes my shoulder and moves to his own desk. I steadfastly ignore Delia's questioning looks and frowns when she enters the room and stops by my desk. Getting the hint, she messes up my wet hair and goes to her seat. I'm glad she knows when to push and when to let me be.

We'll talk later. I don't have a voice right now.

I nearly pass out when Kira pulls out the chair and sits at the desk next to mine. I knew we had maths for the first period, but I also didn't really know it; it went right over my head. Besides, I half expected her to grab her bag and change seats, so she didn't have to sit with me. I'm glad she didn't, but I'm rattled, having her this close to me, and I'm so damned scared of saying or doing the wrong thing.

My words die half-formed, and my brain seizes when she turns to me and hands me the lunch she'd made for me. She looks uncertain and she's not saying a word, just holding the container out to me. I didn't think she was going to make me any food today. It's really sweet that she did.

Is this a good sign? Please, Kira, say something to thaw my brain and make my heart beat again. Are we still dating? Do you hate me now?

"Thanks for bringing my bag," she whispers, and that is not what I needed to hear. Of course, I grabbed her bag from their house this morning; we have a deal. This time, it even had all the books she owns in it; it was that heavy. Her eyes are shying away from mine, and I have no idea what to say. How do I make this better?

Can't we just go back to when we were stalking my sister and kissing a lot? I look at her long lashes, drooping shyly over the irises that have no sparkle in them today. Are her eyes a bit red-rimmed? Did she cry? Was it my fault?

Shit! What did I say to her yesterday? It's all just jumbled up in my brain! Did I hurt her feelings? I didn't mean to!

We've had many fights during our life together, but it never made me feel like this before. It generally blew over quickly because it didn't matter and was always about garbage anyway. This time, it feels like I'm wading through thick cotton wool wrapping around my arms, legs and face, suffocating me. No clear thoughts want to form in my brain, and I'm very close to puking over my desk.

"Sure," I grunt, not surprised that my voice is not working properly. I take the big lunchbox from her and try to smile, but my lips aren't working either. "Thanks."

For a few minutes, I just sit there, staring at the lunch box on the desk before me, and then I draw a deep breath and turn to Kira to say the only word I  can form in my mouth. "Sorry."

She's not there anymore; she's over at Burlap's desk, and they seem to be exchanging storybooks, chatting happily about pirates and stuff. I hope her eyes are red-rimmed because she stayed up late reading. That is very possible. She often does that. I swallow, watching them for a while, relieved and sad that Kira seems to be doing a lot better than I am.

Oh, stuff it!

At least she's chatting with my best mate and not some random guy I might have to glare at. I don't have the energy to glare today. Burlap gives me an encouraging smile when he sees me watching them, and I offer him a listless thumbs up in return. Sighing, I drag my math textbook from my bag and page through it as if I actually know what I'm looking for.

How the hell am I going to make it through this day?

Interestingly enough, paying attention to what the teachers are saying and focusing on the stuff in the textbooks helps to distract me and make the time pass a little bit faster. Who would've guessed that?! It only works for a while, though and then I'm just doodling structures and houses in my notebooks since writing actual notes is just too soul-crushingly boring.

Besides, when I asked Mr Rawlings questions that actually related to the Biology work we were busy with at the time and not about the bussin' new rims he got for his Jeep Renegade and I tried to answer the Physics teacher's questions with actual relevant physics answers and not stuff I just thought would be fun, but probably impossible, they looked at me as if I'm a friggin' alien and they didn't understand my language. Until they got what I was saying, and then they were just confused, and I got responses like 'Good question' and 'That's surprisingly correct.'

What the hell?!

I'm so friggin' glad when the bell rings at the end of the last period before the break. I grab all my stuff and run; I don't even wait for my buddies. I'm done! I'm outa hear!

For once, I don't stumble into any trouble on my way to the school gate. My route to freedom is clear; I can smell the fresh air of... an afternoon moping around, feeling sorry for myself and stressing about the whole Kira thing.

Suddenly, ditching school doesn't have the appeal it usually has when I'm doing it for fun reasons, such as going sailing with Jet and the guys. I stop just before I reach the gate and lower my schoolbag to the ground, my eyes straying to the plastic container full of the sandwiches Kira made for me, cradled in my arm.

What am I doing?

"Ethe?" I turn around to find the guys and Wendy coming towards me and picking up my bag; I walk back the way I came to join them, grinning sheepishly when Burlap takes my sports bag off my back.

"Haven't you made up with Game Ranger Barbie yet?" Wendy asks, frowning at me as if the idea is offending her personally. I don't know why she is taking it so hard. "Seriously, Ethan, your groupies are starting to feel hopeful. They're sneering at Kira."

"What?!" Is she just yanking my chain again? Why would anybody sneer at Kira? I hope she's just trying to get to me.

"Does that mean she's free now?" Jet asks, giving me a suggestive grin. I know he is just messing with me, trying to get me to do something to fix things with Kira, but I pull my arm back and toss my schoolbag at him, nearly bowling him over with it. He grabs it with a grunt and pulls it onto his back.

Oh, shit! I'm not getting it back today, am I?

"Seriously?! You and Kira broke up already?!" Barn growls like I've just eaten the last piece of food on planet Earth. "I made a bet on you that it will last! You'd better go get her back, or I'll have to give Paul and Lucas each three sailing lessons for free!"

What?! They're making bets about whether my relationship will last?!

I narrow my eyes, glaring at him, not impressed with that at all, but then I realise that he actually placed his 'money' on the right side, showing faith in me, and I smile instead. That's really nice... and risky, since I've never been able to make a relationship with a girl last before. Well, I never wanted to before.

"What do you get if you win?" Jet asks, and Barn grins widely.

"They pay me double for those lessons."

"Come on, Ethe, Tonia was so glad that she's no longer going to be the only girl hanging out with us on outings," Lurch frowns, looking as if I've done him a personal grievance.

"Hey!" Wendy objects, turning away from me and charging at him, her long ponytail floating like a flag behind her in her rush. "She's not the only girl!" she shouts, pinching him in his side.

"She's not?" he asks, wresting her hand away from his body and running his eyes over her, pretending to be surprised that she's wearing a school skirt. The guy loves to gamble with his life.

"Don't make me hurt you," Wendy grumbles, and laughing, Lurch wraps his arms around her head and messes up her ponytail. Watching Lurch and Wendy good-naturedly trying to murder each other while Jet and Barn try to prevent the girl from actually succeeding, I suddenly feel a surge of real clarity lifting the fog from my brain.

"Please save me some," I tell Burlap, pushing the food container into his arms. "And use some to buy my schoolbag back from that arsehole."

Diverting my course, I run away, sprinting to where Kira sits with Delia and Simon in their favourite lounging spot on the grass under a huge, shady tree. That spurt of clarity loses its shine the moment I see her quietly reading a book while the other two sit shoulder to shoulder, eating their lunch and smiling into each other's eyes.

I want to do that too!

Slowing down, feeling uncertain again, I walk the last few steps, not enjoying the attention I get from a few girls whispering as I go past. What the hell? Why are people so friggin' interested in what we do? This is not a blooming TV show, and I'm nobody famous... and Kira... Just leave Kira the hell alone!

I'm glaring by the time I reach the three people under the tree, and now I have no idea what to say or do. Delia is smiling at me, giving me a questioning look, and Simon seems a bit nervous about my intentions, so I hurriedly wipe away the glare to show him that I come in peace.

Becoming aware of my presence, Kira looks up with a sharp gasp and the exhaustion of last night and this entire stupid day suddenly swamps me, causing me to feel weak. Without thinking, I drop to the ground beside her. I need a few seconds to regroup and get my thoughts together, and I'm so friggin' tired.

I move Kira's book out of the way and scoot down until I'm lying on my side with my head in her lap. I just need a minute to think, and if Kira doesn't shove me off her lap, I'll at least know that she's not rejecting me right off the bat. Just a minute. There are so many thoughts I have to plough into line, and then the words might come, and I'll tell her I'm sorry I just ran off like that last night and ask her not to dump me.

I'm vaguely aware of her fingers like delicate butterflies weaving into my hair, and I sigh a deep sigh of relief. She is not chasing me away; that is a very good sign. I'll sit up in a minute and beg her... not to...

"Ethan," I hear Kira's gentle voice, and she has a hand on my shoulder, lightly shaking me. "Ethan, the bell rang."

"What?" I slowly sit up and stretch, surprised to see students leaving the break area and streaming back to class. I fell asleep?! Wow, way to go, Ethan Fletcher! I peek at Kira, and she doesn't look mad; she's just watching me with a puzzled expression. I am doing great so far! If you're having issues with your girlfriend and all else fails, just fall asleep and confuse the girl!

When I reach out and dig into the pocket of her school skirt, looking for the little tin of sugar-free gum she always has in there, she doesn't slap my hand away as she usually does and find it herself; she simply continues to look at me with that cute expression on her face while I find the tin and pop a couple of pieces of her gum into my mouth.

The tin is running low; I'll buy some more next time I'm near the convenience store. Closing it, I give it back to her, and when she squirms to get up, I lean closer, looking into her eyes, willing her to see me and hear me. I think I'm finally able to say what I mean.

"Look, Kicks," I say, nervously licking my lips, hoping my voice and brain last through my entire speech and I don't derail halfway through it again. "If you want to end this, I won't force you to stay my girlfriend, but please, end it for a good reason, not for something pointless, like whatever the hell it was that Amber and I used to get up to. End it because you hate this situation and cannot stand being my girlfriend, and you want out. Or because you've realised that you want to be with a cool guy like Burlap."

There! I made it, and I think it made sense. It's what I really wanted to tell her. It wasn't easy, but it is out there now.

"What?!" she says, her confusion increasing, which is not the effect I was hoping for.

"Not because I sometimes got together with Amber on holidays... Please..." I put my hand on her shoulder, gazing into her eyes, trying to see if my words are reaching her at all and whether she is getting mad, sad or relieved. I can't tell what she's feeling.

"I don't h-hate this," she mutters, looking flustered. "And I don't want James..." I am trying to focus on what she's saying, swallowing slowly to keep my nerves in check while I wait for her next words to either save me or slay me. I'm startled when she reaches out and runs her fingers over my brow.

"I just didn't want to be in the way if you wanted to be with her," she says gently, her eyes flickering over my face in that earnest way they do when she's spilling her guts. "I thought maybe she was at least part of the reason why we're doing this... why you want to change... I didn't mean to upset you... I'm sorry. I definitely don't want to pass you on to her."

Burlap was right?! She actually thought that I was getting training to be a better boyfriend for Amber?!

My cheek muscles are finally working, dragging my mouth into the first real smile I managed to smile today. The heaviness is lifting from my heart, and suddenly, I want to laugh about what idiots the two of us are.

"No, Kicks," I assure her, following the sparkles of light returning to her beautiful eyes. "She's just someone I passed the time with because I was frustrated. She's got nothing to do with us."

That's not exactly accurate, but it sums it up pretty well. Amber doesn't feature in our story.

My heart rises like bread dough, filling my chest with warmth when Kira smiles at me. "Does this mean I can kick her butt if she comes near you?"

"I'm counting on it," I grin. Actually, I'd rather she didn't. Amber has a slight size advantage, but then again, Kicks can be feisty, and she learned fighting from Delia... but she only uses those skills to keep me in my place, and she's not all that effective. I don't want her to get hurt.

Kira is too sweet to kick someone's butt for real.

"Ow!" she gasps when, on a surge of pure joy, I grab her ponytail, and when the fire in her eyes flares up, getting her ready to tell me off, I pull her into my arms, hugging her tightly. Damn! I've missed her. It's only been a few hours, but I seriously missed her.

This stupid fight really scared me. It made me fully aware of just how much I want this relationship to work out. I don't know what I would do if we genuinely broke up or called it quits and Kira moved on without me. The idea is making me feel sick.

I love her so damn much.

Relief cascades over me in refreshing floods when Kira wraps her arms around my neck. She holds me close for a few seconds, nuzzling my neck, and then pulls away.

She says something about needs and class, but I smother her sentence with my lips, stealing the words from her mouth. Yeah, yeah, class can wait. Right now, we need exactly this: her soft lips playing with mine and her hair gently running through my fingers.

For a few minutes, I allow myself to drown in her fragrance and her taste, letting it fill me up and heal my heart, ignoring the chitchat and giggles of passers-by.

The school will still be here when I'm done kissing my girlfriend.

♂♀