Title: Living With A Potential Disaster

Author: @silverrosess

Genre: Teen Fiction

On Point Title: 3/5
The title didn't really make sense until the end of Chapter 10. There was hinting at it, but it was barely there. Make it more clear how Morgan's life could be affected terribly by Jordan earlier on.

Lit Cover: 1/5
(FYI I give zeros) The cover doesn't relate to the story. It's not awful, but it isn't eye catching and doesn't give off a single aspect/vibe of the story.

Bomb SPAG: 7/15
Your grammar wasn't the worst I've ever seen. It's mainly commas that are placed where they aren't needed and interrupt the flow and unnecessary italics or not italicizing things that need to be. Thoughts of the character are supposed to be italicized and the only times where you italicize something in narration or dialogue is when you really want to emphasize something, but make sure to keep it to a minimum or you'll over do it. With the commas, they're placed everywhere. I don't think there's a sentence without a comma. Commas act as mini-periods, sorta. You know that kinda pause that comes with a period? A comma is like half that pause. Read your writing out loud and use that half-pause thing whenever you have a comma and see if it sounds weird and makes your work sound choppy. There are sentences that are oddly structured and a few run-ons. I had to go back sometimes and read over to understand it. I saw some sentences like "she had a grimace look." You don't need the "look", just "grimace" since that's an action sorta. It's like saying "she gave a wave move." You're saying she moved even though you said she waved, which is a move. Also, make sure to look out for words that are missing a space.

Fire Plot: 9/20
Up until the end of Chapter 10, I was going what is your plot? At first I thought maybe it was Anna and Jordan getting back together but then I realized that'd likely be too boring for a teen fic story and it would likely end up with Morgan and Jordan getting together as the plot, which I'm 102% sure is going to happen now. Also, there wasn't much hook to the story. There wasn't much to keep me eager or curious to turn the pages. The only sliver of tension was between Anna and Jordan but even that was limited since it was dealt with so offhandedly nearly all the time. And, there. Are.. Basic. Cliches. You've got the popular guy likes nonpopular girl (but in this case Kyle isn't going to be the love interest so I guess it's not as bad), there's the short girl and tall guy cliche, the best friend's ex cliche, the bad-boy cliche (I'm not 100% sure on this one but after that scene with Jordan being rude to the teacher, it felt like it was trying too hard to get in the bad-boy bit in the story). Cliches aren't bad necessarily, they're unavoidable. Everyone has cliches, it's just how you portray them and the writing. You could have an entirely unoriginal story but with amazing writing that makes it great. Also, you have little to no description. I have no idea where the characters are besides a basic location like school or home. Imagery is necessary for the reader to be able to connect with the story.

Yass Characters: 10/20
Your first chapter's characterizations were pretty good in giving an introduction to the characters. Except Morgan. At first I thought she was a snarky, kinda rude person with the way she treated Jordan but the next minute she was blushing and sheepish. Later on she leans more toward the former description but there are still random moments when she veers off character. And why is Morgan extremely rude at times with no good reason? She's overly rude to Kyle when he just likes her, although it got weird toward the end, and basically yells at him and plays with his head by saying she likes him when she doesn't. I don't like Morgan, which is not a good thing since she's your main character and the reader should relate to her on some level. The rest of the characters have basic descriptions, enough so I can relatively determine them, but enough to connect. Characters are one of the most vital parts of a story and are essential to its success.

Enjoyment: 6/10
I don't really like many teen fic stories since they're all mostly carbon copies of the same few plot lines. Yours was one of them, on a level, but wasn't too bad since you had the bit where the guy was living with the MC which I personally haven't seen before. I would've liked the story more if Morgan was likable and if certain aspects were more believable.

Chapter 1:
For a teen fic story, the beginning was good. I don't really read that genre but I've got a general idea of what they consist of. It starts with this guy, Jordan, getting dropped if at the MC's (Morgan) house bc his parents are goin away. First thing that stood out to me: why is his mother basically embarrassed of Jordan?? Like before Jordan's parents his mother was like "you better be good Jordan bc we're leaving a kid like you with these people." And I was like, is Jordan some sorta devil child that takes delight in the despair of others and does his best to wreck the lives of all those around him?? What's so bad about Jordan that his mother basically called him a brat and a handful?

A few details were dropped in about the mother and stuff that characterized her pretty well to give us an idea of what she was like.  But there was this one part where Morgan says her mother gave her a scary look bc she asked Morgan to show Jordan his room. It's not the look itself that didn't make sense, it's the reasoning. Why did Morgan's mother needa threaten her child to take their guest upstairs?? Like did she think Morgan was gon through a fit or smth? And speaking of Morgan, why is she so rude to Jordan? What'd he do for her to cut him off and be so aloof with him. Like when Jordan made an innocent comment about the size of their house, Morgan was all like yea thanks captain obvious here's a rock. Like boi. It was a compliment. Calm yo'self.

Now comes the first inconsistency so far. After Morgan shows Jordan his room while being a bish the whole time, she studied his features and mentions them (in a way that feels like they gon get it down later on the story cause that's how it usually ends up when a girl describes a guy like that in these stories) Jordan asks her to move aside so he can just get in the room and she blushes.

??????

After you were super offhanded and rude to this innocent boi you blush?  Not once is it hinted at that Morgan is someone who is sheepish/gets embarrassed easily or gets flustered. I don't see why she would blush if she's just standing in the doorway.

During the dinner scene, Ysabella, the annoying af sister, straight up is like to Jordan "Ay when you leaving?" Like da eff? Who raised you child? Why are you so rude? Goddam Morgan is a saint next to you. Why is Ysabella someone who needs a good beating to the head to get it straight on frckn manners? A thing I found weird is after the mom scolds Morgan and Ysabella for being rude af, the dad is like oh srry our girls are brats, but he chortles. What's so funny about having kids that don't possess a sliver of polite behavior? Also, when I see "chortle", I imagine a horse laughing. Don't ask. Besides, chortle is used when someone is laughing rlly rlly hard, not like a chuckle or something.

Then Jordan's response is "nah it's aight, Morgan's cute like this."
....
....

What?

So this girl essentially ridiculed you from the moment you stepped foot into her house and you've known each other for like 10 min but you feel it's okay to call her attractive out of the blue and in front of her parents?? And when Morgan is rightfully going da eff and nearly chokes, evryone stares at her like ay what's wrong with you it's perfectly normal for a near stranger to call you cute in front of the fam.

Afterwards Jordan offers Morgan a ride to school the next morning but Morgan is back to her bishy self and is like nah I'd rather take the bus. Girl, who in their right mind would choose to take the goddamn school bus? If a serial killer offered to drive me to school instead of taking the nasty bus I'd jump in the car. Then the next morning when Morgan misses the bus, she's like oh what the bus usually waits for me. Okay she missed the bus fine, but no way in hell would any bus wait for a kid. There's a schedule to keep to and other brats to pick up. If the bus waited on every kid they'd never make it to school, and hell no is a bus driver gon make an exception bc everyone else is gon get pissed.

Chapter 2:
Ch 2 starts off legit one second after ch1 which felt weird. At least have it jump forward a few min because if it's the same moment just include it in ch1. Basically, Morgan gets in the car with Jordan and for some reason the car ride is filled with awkward eye contact and there's where I go woaaah. Boi, why you making eye contact while driving? KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD. Also, why is it awkward? One minute Morgan is sarcastic and rude with Jordan, the next she's all embarrassed and golly gee with him. Pick one.

When they get to school, Morgan is approached by - wait for it - the most popular guy in school who likes her, the not-so-popular average girl, over all the other girls while they all drool over him. This popular boi, Kyle, is says hey to Morgan but is all "who da eff are you?" to Jordan.

????

Why does it matter? Why are you possessive? You and Morgan aren't even dating, calm down. Unless Kyle's got a history of acting like this, it doesn't make sense. Then Kyle flat out asks Morgan to go out with him and she's all hell nah and says he always asks her out. Okay if he always asks her out and is shot down, wouldn't he try a different approach? If you keep getting denied by just asking, do it a different way or just give up. Also, why is Morgan super rude to Kyle? Okay I get how he might feel a little annoying after always asking you out, but it's not like he's hounding you 24/7 and blowing up your phone asking you to get down. He's just got a massive, unrelenting crush on you. And why does Jordan refer to him as a freak afterward? Again, he's just asking her out. OH and then Jordan says that he can't blame Kyle for his infatuations and Morgan is like yea me neither, going back to the cocky behavior while two min ago she was blushing with Jordan. Back to the character inconsistencies.

So then Morgan walks out the classroom, but wasn't she outside since she got to school? Then she tells us that Anna is her best friend since forever, but for some reason didn't know that her best friend had an awful break up? She only finds out when her and Anna run into Jordan and Anna cries and runs off. When Morgan asks Jordan, he straight-up snaps at her for asking a question about why the hell her best friend is upset. Like, what the eff. If my best friend runs into a guy and races away while sobbing, I think I have a valid excuse to ask what happened.

Then we discover Anna and Jordan dated in sophomore year but it was because of a bet, and I'm assuming they're now in junior year, since Morgan's seventeen, which means last year Morgan's best friend was dating someone because of a bet but Morgan somehow never found out even what his name was? I find that very hard to believe. Also, what the hell was this bet? All Anna says about the whole debacle was "I was a bet. Everything was a bet." A bet by who? His friends last year? Also, Jordan says he met Anna in a park but in ch1 Jordan also says he went to a school that was far away which means either Jordan or Anna was far from home but for what? I get leaving readers curious, but you have to be careful not to leave plot holes.

When Morgan tells Anna that Jordan is living with them, Anna gets annoyed/mad, but Morgan didn't know what the eff happened so how is that her fault? She didn't even know Jordan before yesterday. Anna's reaction didn't make sense, even if she was upset because she saw Jordan, it's not Morgan's fault he's living with them.

Then Anna says "if he lays a hand on you I will legit beat him up." First, don't use "legit". It's sorta slang and sounds unprofessional and unrealistic in this scene. Second, why would he a lay a hand on Morgan? Is he a perv? Cause we haven't been given any hinting at that.

After school, Morgan meets up with Jordan who asks her if Anna told her anything, Morgan says no because she doesn't want anything to go wrong, but what could go wrong?? He has to know by now that they're best friends so of course Morgan should know about something like that. And what would happen? What right would he have to get upset over her knowing when he's the who hurt Anna? It doesn't make sense.

Oh then the chapter ends with a car crash.

Chapter 3:
Major cop-out right at the start. That crash last chapter? Yea, jUsT a DrEaM. It turns out Morgan fell asleep in class. But why would she have such a random dream? And from where did it leave off? Did she dream the whole thing with Anna and Jordan? Did she dream the whole day? Did she dream Jordan himself? What did she dream???? And what's the point of it? It doesn't add anything to the story, just that Morgan's a crazy af ho who has random dreams about the weirdest things.

When her teacher wakes her lazy ass up, she gives Morgan detention. A few kids laugh in the back and Morgan turns and says "Zip it assholes."

In what school would a teacher tolerate swearing, albeit mild? I know if I tried that ish I would be whooped. It's disrespectful to use foul language in front of a teacher but this ho doesn't even flinch and just goes along saying yeet you got detention and imma pretend you didn't swear in my presence cause I'm unrealistic.

Right at the start of detention, in the first goddam minute, the teacher leaves to get frackn coffee and tells Morgan not to go anywhere, which is about the dumbest thing I've heard. You honestly expect a kid to stay in detention without any supervision? Then Morgan's like "she forgot windows existed." Like what?? No, the teacher's just stupid and she doesn't expect anyone to jump out of a goddamn window. Then Morgan just gets out the window. How many stories is this school? Is it just one or is there like five and Morgan just fell to her imminent death?? And why didn't she just go out the door? It's right in front of you goddamn. And how do you not expect to get in trouble?? Her reasoning is that the school doesn't care if you get away with it, but that's a crappy school and I don't think parents would want to send their kids there. Also, the teacher seems pretty bent on Morgan doing detention so is she honestly not going to give a damn about a student ditching?

Then Morgan misses the bus so she goes with Jordan and falls asleep in the car. She wakes by Jordan poking her cheek. Poking someone in the shoulder or smth is perfectly normal, but who the hell pokes someone's freaking cheek?? Imagine someone basically jabbing into your gums from the outside - that's what being poked in the cheek feels like. They end up at Starbucks and Jordan holds the door open for her and this girl's like oh wow he keeps opening doors for me that's weird but I'm not complaining. What's so weird about someone holding the door open for you?? It's just polite goddam. When she says thanks, Jordan replies with "sure, babe," or smth like that, but he says babe.... why. It's completely out of context and it's a random flirt. I haven't seen Jordan as a player yet but then again I know nothing about his character other than that weird dream Morgan had that I'm still not sure where it began.

When they go to order and the barista is like what can I get ya, Jordan's all like "oh how about your number?", which is the second time he becomes a player which still confuses me cause these two scenes are the first where I've seen him as a player, sooo another character inconsistency. And when Jordan says their order, he refers to Morgan as his girlfriend and she's all like oh I'm too tired to argue about it.

What??

This is legit the first actual day y'all know each other besides last night and Jordan seems wayyy too comfortable with things like this. And how is Morgan not weirded out? This guy who's basically a stranger calls you his girlfriend but you're just like eh. And why would he ask for the barista's number if he was gon go and call Morgan his girlfriend? That's pretty mean to the barista who got all excited at his flirting.

After they get their drinks and sit down they talk and Morgan mentions him and Anna and Jordan gets uncomfortable so I'm assuming she didn't dream the part about him and Anna, but nothing is clear so it's confusing. Then they go home and watch 5he Notebook all so Jordan can make the cliché comment about preferring the other guy in a chick flick movie so the girl can get shocked and defend the main love interest. Someone comes to the door and Morgan asks who it is and the chapter ends, but it's a weird ending. It doesn't feel like the end of a chapter, but like the end of a paragraph.

Chapter 4:
This chapter should've been combined with the last one or at least started a little bit afterwards, because just like ch2, it's a continuation from where the last chapter left off.

Apparently, Morgan forgot Anna was coming over that day, which I find entirely unrealistic. You mean to tell me, that after spending the entire day together, you and Anna never mentioned her sleeping over that day??? And even if you didn't talk about it, you still forgot Anna was sleeping over even though you saw her for half the day?? What????

Then Anna is all like ohmahgahd I forgot my traumatizing ex was here even though I was super upset about it the whole day. Cut the crap. If she actually had ish goin on with Jordan, I think she'd remember that he's staying with her best friend, especially since she made a massive deal about it at school earlier.

Later when Morgan and Anna are in Morgan's room, Jordan comes in to get his charger but somehow ends up tripping and knocking Anna to the ground and he falls over her.

How??

I can get Jordan maybe falling but how did Anna get in the ground?? I'm assuming Anna and Morgan were sitting on her bed, and if they weren't, what da eff were they doing? Were they just standing in the middle of the room or what? Unless Anna was sitting on the ground, there's no logical way Jordan fell on her.

Then Morgan's mother walks in and sees Jordan and Morgan and says "It's okay! I'll get out! I experimented too when I was your age!"

There is no way in hell any mother would react like that if she saw a bunch of teens in a room like that. Also, where the eff did she get the idea that her kid was basically having a threesome???? Everyone was fully clothed and Morgan wasn't even standing near them. Why did she immediately jump to the nastiest conclusion?

Chapter 5:
So Morgan is woken up by her overly annoying sister spilling water over her. But when Morgan goes to run after her, she's stopped by Jordan pushing against her forehead? I'm imagining those cartoons where the character is running in place while someone else has their hand on their head, and it's not a good thing. If someone can connect your story to a kid's cartoon and it's not what you intended, it makes it come off as cringe. And irl, who the hell stops someone from running by pressing against their head? It does absolutely nothing. The person could just sidestep you. It's dumb and if someone did it to me I'd slap da ish outta them. Oh and of course were then told that Morgan is relatively short while Jordan is super tall. Did someone say cliche love interest height difference? No? Oh that's cause someone screeched it. I don't really mind that aspect so much, but we've already had the cliche where the popular guy likes the nonpopular girl (even if Kyle's clearly not the love interest), the cliche I'm predicting because it's hella obvious where best-friend's ex will be the mc's love interest, and now the height difference one. My brain can only be bashed over with so many.

Anna and Morgan happen to miss the bus again and hitch a ride with Jordan to school. For some reason, Morgan thinks Jordan is super annoying but I don't see why. He hasn't done anything annoying, he's just super forward after knowing Morgan for like two days. Give me a reason to think he's annoying, don't smack me over the head with it.

During lunch, apparently the whole school knows about Jordan and Anna's history. But why??? How??? We aren't given a reason, ya just ay the whole school knows you two dated without even a word explaining how they know but it's cool.

Then Kyle comes up to Morgan and asks her to sit with him, and Morgan's boutta be like nah, but then she's like ayyy if I sit with this annoying twig Anna and Jordan'll talk so yeet. And she goes and sits with Kyle.

Chapter 6:
So while Morgan is sitting with Kyle, she's super rude for no reason cause why not? And Kyle is like oh sorry I've just been waiting for this for a long time. But of course Morgan is so offhanded and at this point I feel bad for Kyle and I hate Morgan. When Kyle asks why she agreed to sit with him, Morgan says ".... and I like you." And says I wanted to see his reaction.

What the hell?? That's downright cruel. Imagine if your crush was super rude to you after agreeing to sit with you and says they like you just to see how you'll react. It's awful. And Kyle is super excited but Morgan still keeps up the act. When Kyle asks her out for dinner and smirks, Morgan is like "boys and their egotistical smirks."

Vat.

First of all, the smirk is out of context with the excitement Kyle had at Morgan's returned feelings. He isn't cocky he's eager. And second, since when is smirking egotistical?? And why is it specified at boys? A smirk can be cocky or flirty and all genders smirk. What, are boys the only ones supposed to do it?

Morgan says no at first and Kyle tries convincing her, which I get can be annoying if you don't feelings for the person but Morgan explicitly said she liked him so it makes sense for him to try and tell her she'd have fun. Then Morgan finally agrees but she basically screams. That is so uncalled for. Why the hell is she so pissed? This ho brought it upon herself but telling Kyle she like him so suck it up and deal with the mess you made.

During a class she has with Jordan, Jordan gets the bright idea to be super disrespectful. He starts talking his pen on his desk and when the teacher asks him tos too he ignores her/refuses to. Then the teacher sends him a salty look.

Wai.

That sounds so weird. Don't use slang like that in your story, it makes it sound super unprofessional. Then when the teacher gives him detention, Jordan pulls out his phone and starts doing whatever the hell hes doing. What the eff is he thinking? There hasn't been any sign of Jordan being someone who's disrespectful to adults, in fact it's the opposite since he was so polite with Morgan's parents. Does he think nothing'll happen? What does he want to gain from it???? It reads as a way to try and get in the whole bad boy vibe from Jordan and if that's what's going to happen I will literally tear my head out screaming and virtually chuck this thing against the blazing sun because I despise bad boy stories with every fiber of my physical and spiritual and whatever-al being.

Then Morgan gets the bright idea to say she sent Jordan a text because she's worried Jordan'll get in more trouble but then is absolutely schooled when she gets detention to. What did you expect was going to happen? The teacher'd be like oh golly well that explains it all it's okay you're both of the hook. And even if Morgan sent him a text, it doesn't excuse the fact that Jordan still had his phone out.

For some reason, this teacher decides to go an get coffee in the first second of detention. What the hell? What is it with these teachers getting coffee right as detention starts and leaving these kids without supervision? And after Morgan left last time, I'm guessing this is a common thing so why are they so okay with leaving the kids alone???

When Morgan and Jordan are about to leave through the window, the teacher comes in and yells for them. Now the logical thing to do would be to stay in detention because you're caught and now your parents are definitely going to know, but nope they still yeet right out.

Overview:
1. What was that thing where Morgan was like "son? Like the son he bet had?" After her dad referred to Jordan as "son"? It's a normal term that's used to refer to boys that are relatively close. Also, there's been no mention of their dad being remotely disheartened at the fact that he doesn't have a son. Ch 7.

2. "Wink wonk." No. Just no. Ch 7.

3. When Jordan pokes Morgan at dinner, apparently she's already panicked but why? Does she see some sorta demon and thinks it's gon get her or smth? Is she preparing for her imminent death? Then Jordan says it won't take much to get two pairs of lovebirds in the house, referring to Morgan's other sister and her bc, but then refers to Anna which doesn't make sense. She's not in the house and the way Jordan said the comment made it sound like he was referring to Morgan. Ch 8.

3. For some reason Morgan feels the urge to pinch Jordan's cheeks after dealing with his failed attempt at getting Anna back and she slapped him once, before Kyle came in and asked her it again because she missed their date, but decided on slapping Jordan again. But. Why?? Why did you feel the urge to pinch someone's cheeks? Are you suddenly an old lady who likes to pinch young'uns cheeks? Ch 10

4. While Jordan and Morgan are getting ice cream, Kyle comes in to remind Morgan of their date and Morgan tells him to scram. Why are you so rude? You ditched the first date, that's mean enough after lying to him that you like him. Yea it's creepy that he sorta stalked you there but still it's unnecessarily rude. Then when Kyle sees Jordan, Kyle says to Morgan that he's her only man. Wtf?? Where is this coming from?? Kyle was basically a love sick, albeit a little annoying, guy at first but now he's a possessive creep? What is with the character flips? Ch 10.

5. At school the next day, it gets out that Morgan kissed Jordan even though they didn't. Anna gets upset and slaps Morgan (which is wayyy too extreme) and says "how could you take him from me?" Girl. You said multiple times you don't want anything to do with Jordan and you shut him down yesterday, but now you're bawling over the fact that he moved on? I get Morgan is her best friend but you don't get it to say she took him away when you no longer wanted anything to do with him. "Also, why wouldn't she at least hear Morgan's side of the story? If they've been friends for years she should at least hear her side of the story. Ch 10.

6. After Anna rushes off, Jordan comes up to Morgan and she tells him his ex is a psycho....wat? She's your best friend and is upset because someone lied to her and you call her a psycho? She overreacted but she's supposed to be your best friend. Ch 11.

7. Morgan goes on to describe Jordan's features but in a way that absolutely shrieks that Morgan is going to fall for Jordan and solidly the cliche I predicted earlier. Come on - make it at least a little less obvious. Ch 11.

Final Thoughts:
Search for extra comments and strange wording in your story by reading it out or getting a fresh set of eyes to look over it. I didn't like Morgan at any point throughout the story and that's something that's crucial in any work. Add in more descriptions and include more imagery. Close your eyes and visualize the scene and write it down. Try not to overdo the details, just a few sentences here and there will help a lot. Work on those cliches and make them stand out a little less and define your plot earlier on.

Final Verdict:

36/75

LORDY ~ You really need to work on making Morgan more appealing. Her awful and inconsistent behavior made her hard to like and made me not really care what happened with her. Make the direction of where your plot is headed clearer from around the fifth chapter. Also, get an editor or a beta reader or something similar to go over your work and help smooth out the rough edges.

Thank you for requesting and feel free to ask any questions. Please recommend this book to others and I hope you found it helpful!