A kinda crappy part to get back into the flow

~~

I walked home late at night, the wind blowing gently around me. It was fall and starting to get colder. I was thankful that I had at least worn my hoodie, it had been oddly warm that afternoon. I was on my way home from therapy, wanting to just see my cats and lay down. Not go to bed, I don't sleep well at night. I just wanted to lay in my bed and stare at the wall for a few hours doing nothing.

"Give me all your money!" Someone shouted.

I turned and found myself face to face staring down the barrel of a gun. Just beyond that gun was a man in a black hoodie and a dark red bandana covering the bottom half of his face.

"Shoot me, bitch," I said.

The man wavered for a second, blinking his green eyes.

"Bitch, I fucking dare you, no balls," I repeated.

"Wha--"

I cut him off, grabbing the tip of his gun and pressing it to my forehead, putting his finger on the trigger.

"I'm depressed and suicidal, I got nothing to lose," I said. "Just put my out of my misery."

"A-are you okay, man?" He asked.

I took the gun from him, pressing it to the side of my head.

"Hey, hey, let's just take a breather, dude," the mugger said. "Y-you don't have to do this, it's gonna be okay."

"You don't know my life," I said.

"Is it money problems?" He asked. "I-I have some cash you can have."

He pulled out his wallet and I could only blink a couple times.

"You were trying to mug me and now you're giving me money?" I asked.

The man looked at me before putting his wallet away. He hesitated before taking off his mask. He looked young, only nineteen or twenty.

"I'm sorry, th-this is my first time doing this," he admitted. "I was desperate. That's not even a real gun, that's an unloaded airsoft gun."

I lowered the gun from my head, feeling the energy deplete out of my body. I handed him back the gun and turned, continuing back on my way.

"Hey! Wait up!" He called, chasing after me. "I just...I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone after what just happened."

"It's no big deal," I brushed off.

"No, seriously, you just pointed a gun to your head," he said.

"Something like that happens about every two hours in my life," I said with a shrug.

"Seriously, I don't think that's normal," he said. "Let's go talk somewhere, can I buy you a coffee?"

I bit my lip. "Add in a pie and I'll make it a deal."

We walked to a nearby diner, the only place that was open at this time of night. We sat in our little booth and ordered.

"I'm Frank," he said.

"Still in high school, kid?" I asked.

"No, I dropped out," he said. "Either way I'm twenty."

"Ah, so legal age," I said. "Wanna hook up?"

"Wh--I'm not gay," he denied.

"Bisexual?" I asked.

"No, I'm completely straight and cis," Frank stated.

I bit my lip as the waitress set down the pie and coffee.

"You sure? You seem at least a little queer to me," I said.

"I can assure you that I am not," he said.

"Eh, whatever," I said. "Just need some dopamine. Maybe I'll just jerk off later."

Frank looked a little grossed out as he took a sip of his coffee.

"I just wanted to make sure that you were okay," Frank said. "You were saying some things that were really worrying to me and I can't just let you go without talking to you first. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself if anything actually happened to you."

"Listen, I know you might be worried but I promise that I'll be just fine," I said. "I can't kill myself anyways, I gotta get home to feed my cat."

"Maybe I can call someone for you," he said.

"I know the drill, I'll be hospitalized and although psych wards aren't actually that bad, I would really rather not eat the food that they serve in there," I said.

"What about a family member or a friend?" He asked.

"Never had a friend, I'm not a friends type of guy," I stated. "Parents are dead and my brother refuses to talk to me because he thinks I'm a hazard to be around his daughters. I don't think he understands that I'm only a danger to myself, not others. At least, that's what all my medical records say."

"So, you're alone?" He asked.

"Nah, I've got my cat," I said.

"Well, I can't just call your cat and ask it to take care of you," he said. "Come on, there has got to be someone that you have in your life."

"Maybe an ex girlfriend of mine, we aren't close or anything but still live in the same building," I said.

"I thought you were gay," he said.

"Why would you think that?" I asked.

"Because you asked me to sleep with you," Frank said.

"Doesn't automatically mean I'm gay," I said.

"What are you?" He asked.

I narrowed my eyes. "Don't you think that's just a little bit rude?"

Frank panicked. "I-I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to be rude, I didn't mean to offend--"

"Nah, I'm just fucking with you, man," I interrupted with a small chuckle. "I'm Bi."

Frank nodded a little nervously. I ate my pie, eating out my feelings like I typically do. Maybe that's how I gained all the weight that I did. I was good for a while, could wear all the skinny jeans my little heart desired. Now I was wearing pants with a waist size I dare not tell anybody.

"What's your name?" He asked.

"Gerard," I said.

"Like Gerard Butler," he said.

"I'm basically the cheap version of Gerard Butler, the one that was fatter and snorted too much coke," I said.

"Maybe the coke is the reason your brother doesn't want you near his kids, not the suicidal tendencies," Frank said.

"Good point," I said as I pointed my fork at him. "But I'm done with that shit now. Maybe a drink now and then but other than that I'm done. Party life just isn't for me. Not like it used to be."

"Do you want me to, like, stay the night or something?" He asked. "I just don't think that you should really be alone right now. Maybe we can watch movies or something? Just do something to help you keep your mind off things."

"I know you probably think I'm some big, sad charity case but I really don't need any help," I said. "It's not like I'm going to just up and jump out the window. I live on the second floor, anyways. Wouldn't do any good other than getting myself a pretty hefty medical bill."

"See, look, when you say things like that It only concerns me," he said. "I can call the police, it's just a short-term detaining and--"

"Yeah, if you're gonna do that then I'm out of here," I said, pushing away my plate.

I got up, walking out of the diner. I saw him paying before he chased after me.

"You don't give up, kid, do you?" I asked. "Can I just go home and masturbate in peace?"

"I want to help you," he said. "N-not with the masturbating part but, like, with your mental health."

"I've been seeing therapists since I was in elementary school, what makes you think that you're gonna fix me in just one night?" I asked.

"I don't think I'll fix you but maybe I can at least help you a little bit," he said.

"Help me how?" I asked.

"You said you didn't have friends. I can be your friend," he said. "Maybe that's just all you ever needed, just a friend."

"I don't do friends," I said. "I'm serious. That's just not my thing. I don't need other people's company. I'm fine with just myself and Lotion."

"Can you stop talking about masturbating, it's kinda weirding me out," he said.

"Lotion is the name of my cat," I said.

"Who the hell names their cat Lotion?" He asked.

"I the hell do," I said.

I continued walking and he kept up to my pace.

"Gerard, please, just listen to me," He said. "Brushing things off with careless, half-hearted jokes is not what is going not make things better. You have to just try, try to make things better than they were before. I know it's hard to actually give it a shot but you have to try. Trying is the hardest part, everyone knows that. Reaching out is the first step and I can be that person you reach out to."

I sighed, stopping to look at him under the streetlight. He looked so hopeful, so eager and desperate to help. His green eyes seemed so bright and hopeful. His thin lips curled into a small smile as he looked up at me.

"Yeah, no, screw off, kid," I said.

"I'm not a kid," he denied. "Listen, I'm twenty, not some kid brother you can just push around. I know what I'm doing, I know more than you might actually think. I may not be severely suicidal but I have had my own battles with depression and I know how hard it is. I know everyone experiences things differently, everyone's depression is different. But maybe we can find some middle-ground between us. Some similarities with our depression. It's a lot easier to talk about depression to someone else who has also experienced it."

"Frank, you seem like a good kid but it's just not going to work out," I said.

"How can I make it work?" He asked.

"You can't just make things work," I said. "Just head on home, kid. Streets aren't safe for a kid like you at this time."

"I was the one who tried to mug you," he said.

"Whatever, it doesn't matter, go before you get in trouble for carrying around a fake gun," I said. "You can actually get in trouble for that, you know."

Frank scowled, crossing his arms.

"What? Is the baby gonna throw a tantrum now?" I asked.

"I'm not a baby," he said. "I just want to make sure that you're okay. You need help, that's obvious enough. And I just want to help you."

"You can't help me, I am past the point of help, past the point of no return, I'm gone," I said.

"You don't have to be," he said. "Please, Gerard, just let me help you."

"You don't want to help me, you just want to make yourself feel better by thinking you did a good thing," I said. "Just leave me alone, kid, I gotta go feed Lotion."

I walked off and--to my surprise--he didn't chase after me. I went back to my apartment and gave my cat a soft pet before laying down in bed. I didn't feel like doing anything. I just felt like laying here for a little while staring at the wall.

I didn't sleep much, I never really do. But I woke up early to the sound of someone knocking on the door. I yawned as I woke up, opening it to see Frank there.

"Oh fuck off," I muttered, shutting the door.

"Gerard?" He called. "I-I got your address from a waitress at the diner. You go there a lot, apparently. Got one of those birthday cards for a free cupcake on your birthday. It has your address."

I sighed, opening the door.

"Kid, I will call the police on you for stalking," I said.

"I will call the police on you for suspicion of suicide," he said.

"That's a pretty good way to ruin my life, I can't go to another psych ward," I said.

"Then let me in and talk to me," he said. "I promise I can be a good influence for you. We can be friends, I can show you the way to be happy and look on the brighter side of things. At least just once, let me talk to you, talk things over. Just for an hour and if you really don't like it then I'll leave you alone. Just give me a chance."

I sighed and opened the door, not even realizing that it would be the best decision of my life.