Chapter 26

I never went straight back home. Hindi 'ko kayang mapag-isa. Pero ayoko ring maging puno ng atensyon ng mga tao. I called Victor before the taxi driver dropped me somewhere else. Ang instruction ko lang kasi ay ibaba ako sa isang park na malapit lang sa lugar. I can't pay too much kaya napalayo pa ako. Even though I'm receiving money for online posting, hindi pwedeng palagi akong nakadepende do'n.

I feel so devastated. Wrecked. Cashel thought I betrayed him. I have no idea how to take my ass off from this cruel situation. My feet stuck on the ground and I've been thrown a lot of humiliation.

A kiss started it all. It also ended with a kiss. Pakshet lang. Palad ko na lang sana ang nilaplap ko kagaya ng mga lalaki na ang kadamay ang kanilang mga palad kapag sawi!

I was dropped into Square Dupleix. Based on my online map, I'm still around the seventh. At hindi naman nakakaligaw dahil tanaw na tanaw ko sa kinatatayuan ko ang katayugan ng Eiffel Tower. It is one of the parks for children and I thought I would be safe here in the mean time. There are still kids and parents alongside the playground and I just stood near the trees where I'm not that relevant to many but easy to see—if there's something will happen, makakahingi agad ako ng tulong.

But will they ever help me? Now that I'm one of the biggest controversies in Paris—even worldwide. I never asked for it. Then I came out as a bad person—girlfriend worldwide and how would the public see me? 

Whoever posted those videos online without my permission. Shame on them. 

I crossed my arms, trying to relieve myself from the nothingness I feel. Tinatanaw ko naman ang mga batang naglalaro sa playground. They were laughing, they were playing so hard that some of them didn't care if they were stumbling upon things or rocks. Ang sarap lang ng buhay ng mga bata. I envy them when they can all have fun and all the adults have to worry about simply called life.

Paulit-ulit naman akong nagte-text kay Victor na naghihintay na ako sa kanya. I've been dreading. Mabuti na lang din ay walang pumapansin sa akin. I tried covering my face with my hair then put on the beret to let it stay that way. Bantay sarado din ako sa paligid ko. Paparazzi's are all around. Hindi ako makakampante pero ayoko ring mag-stay sa apartment ko. It is small as hell. Masu-suffocate ako ro'n. I know it's my home but I just couldn't be there right now.

And it took roughly twenty minutes when Victor arrived. Pagkakita ko pa lamang sa kanya ay agad ko siyang sinalubong ng yakap. I've never done it to anyone na ganito ang nararamdaman ko. It almost feels like the world hates me and I only have myself. As in no one. But good thing I have a friend like Victor who watches out for me.

"I don't usually hug people but I'll make an exemption for you," Victor said, can't help but that made me laughed. Hinigpitan niya ang mga yakap niya at pakiramdam ko ngayon ay hindi ako nag-iisa.

Victor and I don't know each other a few weeks ago and he became my ride or die in any possible situations. He was there with me every morning kapag pupunta kami sa metro. Kapag gagala kami somewhere in the city. Nando'n din siya no'ng hindi maganda ang pakiramdam ko and he's here to comfort me after the controversy scandal.

Nang humiwalay siya sa pagkakayakap sa akin, tinabil niya ng mahina ang pisngi ko.

"What was that for?" I gasped, sucking my breath in.

He smirked, shaking his head. "I told you, Cosette."

"It's not my fault, Victor," I defended but he gave me a suspicious look which I know what it meant. I heaved out a sigh and dropped my shoulder. "Yes, I admit it. I had my fault there but I didn't do it out of my consciousness. I'm drunk. I don't know what I'm doing. Clearly, on the video, I was provoked to kiss him. He's such a gorgeous man kaya hindi ko rin maiwasan 'yon."

"You're telling me you're out of your consciousness and then you thought he was gorgeous. What's the real truth, Cosette? I'm just asking. I'm still on your side so don't worry about losing your very special one good friend."

I chuckled, rolling my eyes playfully over him. "I know, Victor. You're really a good friend of mine. I never thought we could be friends."

"Oh, ma fille! I just don't want you to be alone. You're such a crazy girl."

I chuckled. "But have you seen it?"

He smirked and nodded. "Of course, it was already on the news. Who wouldn't know about it? I'm wondering why people aren't running after you now? You're in public. They are craving for more information."

"But I'm not the kind of person who craves attention—not at this moment," I sighed. "Do you have any place in mind where we can go? A place we can actually have peace in mind? I wanna forget all these bashing and dramas in the meantime. I almost got suspended at school about it but good thing they still give me some consideration as it was not done in the school promises."

"Good thing for you," aniya. "But I do have a place in mind, do you have all night?"

I nodded. "I do have all night, Vic."

"Okay, have you went to the Eiffel tower?"

I shook my head. "No, just around it. Why?"

"We'll go there," ngisi pa nito. He held on to my wrist.

"Wait! Are we going there now?"

He glared at me. "When do you think we'll be going there? I thought you have all night?"

"Sabi ko nga..." hagikgik ko pa. "Anyway, allons-y!"

Malapit na lang din naman ang tower sa kinaroroonan namin. Si Victor talaga ang nag-adjust na puntahan ako rito. He's working on a vegetarian restaurant in the thirteen so he took a bus just to get here. Isang sabi ko lang sa kanya, nandiyan na kaagad siya sa akin. If I'm not close to anyone here in Paris right now, I don't know how to handle my sanity in these cruel times.

As we head our way to the grounds of the tower, natigilan kaming dalawa ni Victor na mahaba-haba pa ang pila para makapasok sa loob ng tower. Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa ni Victor at namumuo sa isip na umatras na lang kami at other time na lang namin babalaking pumunta ro'n. We have all night pero we don't have the luxury to wait all night para lang pumila. The tower will close by midnight at baka wala pang five minutes papababain na kami kahit kakaakyat pa lang namin.

So we decided to stroll around the ground and found the Boutique Officiel. It caters to original products for souvenirs and displays. While we were looking around for stuff, bigla bigla naman ako ng anxiety at natigilan ako sa ginagawa ko. Tulala sa kawalan. This day was meant to be something happy—fulfilling but my mind keeps coming back to what I should think about. It's not good for me to think about it. I hated it when I'm falling into a situation like this. Everything's effed up!

I startled when someone held on to my shoulder. Napaatras pa ako sa taong iyon but only to find out that it was just Victor. Nagulat din siya sa reaksyon ko. Kumunot ang kanyang noo at bakas sa mukha niya ang pag-aaalala.

"Are you okay, Cosette?" he asked.

Tumango naman ako. "I am... thanks for asking. I just got spaced out. There were a lot of things happening around and I just couldn't help myself not to think of it. It's like I'm dwelling on all of my problems and I can't get up from it. If I'm sleeping... can someone slap or pull my hair to wake up and get my sanity back?"

Nagulat naman ako ng biglang hilain ni Victor ang buhok ko. Napaanga ko ang bibig ko sa kanya.

"I slapped you earlier, it's my turn to pull your hair with grace, of course."

"Yeah, thanks for that..." I took a deep breath and took the piece of the mini Eiffel tower from the shelf. "And I also wonder about this..."

"About that figurine?" Victor countered. "That's just a normal piece of souvenir, Cosette. It's not big of a deal. I've seen a pillow Eiffel tower over that side. Check it out if you want to buy some."

"No, it's fine," sagot ko, nalilingat na naman ang usapan namin kaya agad kong binalik kung anong tumatakbo sa isipan ko. "I was just thinking what if we've never gone into that pizza place on my first night in Paris? I'm sure, that kiss and Cashel will never ever have happened. It could be another girl."

"But it was you, Cosette," Victor pointed out. "What would you be doing right now if you haven't met Cashel? I'm sure you will have a boring day job and you're just going to spend your year in Paris going around alone—sometimes with me. And if it was another girl, you wouldn't get what you have right now. Do you think this controversy would make a difference if it wasn't you?"

"Yes. If it wasn't me, I wouldn't have to suffer like this."

"But do you know that it could be fate working on you right now?" he questioned and I got confused. Tumaas ang kilay ko sa kanya. "If it doesn't happen on that day, it could happen on any other day. If it meant to happen to you it's because it is your destiny. You just can't turn you back on it, face it with bravery and confidence. You'll know what you'll get in the end. After all,  this is just a normal thing, and the media blew it like it needs to be a big deal. If you need some time to think about but never turn your back on it. If people hate you if people won't accept the way you are, just know that we can't please everybody. Believe in yourself. Trust the process and I know you'll get through this."

"What about Cashel? He's, in fact, never wanted to see me again. He scolded right into my face. I can't do anything about it. He also ended us. We're over. Our fake relationship is harshly over."

"Don't worry about it, Cosette," he said. "Let me give you a hug. Again. For one last time."

He pulled me closer to him at kinulong niya ako sa bisig niya. Nilapat ko ang ulo ko sa dibdib niya. Papatak ng six footer itong si Victor. Hindi pa kami nagtatagal sa pagkakayakap naming dalawa ng biglang may narinig akong usapan ng mga babae. Though it's French pero isang pangalan lamang ang nagpintig ang tainga ko.

"Why are they all saying Chevy?"

"I think he's here," Victor said.

Agad naman akong napalingon sa paligid ko pero wala naman. Nakuha niya pa akong hawak at ilingon sa may glass window kung saan tinutok niya ang direksyon ko at doon ko nakita ang kumpulan ng mga tao—paparazzi at journalists.

"I think I need to talk to him."

Victor shook his head. "I think that's not a good idea."

"I think it is. Para matapos na ang issue na 'to. Kailangan ko na ring linisin ang pangalan ko. It's now or never. I won't fake it. Kailangan kong ilabas sa public ang totoo at hindi ako ang magmukhang masama."

"What, Cosette?! I didn't even understand a word you said!"

Hindi ko sinagot si Victor kung hindi nilagpasan ko siya palabas ng store at sinundan ang grupo ng mga tao. Hinabol naman ako ni Victor at nagtangka pang pigilan pero nakita na rin ako ng ilang mga tao. Hindi ko inalis ang tingin ko kay Chevy. He's dodging them all. Naglalakad lang siya palayo sa kanila and when all of their attention cross in half, nagkaroon ng pagkakataon si Chevy na tuluyang makalayo. Nagkatinginan kami but he chose to shift his attention away from me at saka siya tumakbo palayo.

Nabato ako sa kinatatayuan ko habang tinatanaw ko siya hangga't sa mawala ito sa paningin ko. Victor defended me from the surge of people coming on our way. Nasa harapan ko siya at naka-extend ang kamay niya sa paligid ko para walang makalapit sa akin. But on our blindspot, sa likuran ko ay may humatak ng beret ko at halos sumama ang pagkatao ko. Hindi ko nakita kung sino ang gumawa no'n. Sinimulan na akong hatakin ni Victor palayo sa kanila. Nang makita kong naiwan sa lupa ang beret ko, pinulot ko iyon hangga't sa tuluyan na kaming nagpakalayo-layo.

Ang dami nilang gusto sa aking itanong.

Do Cashel and I are just faking our relationship?

Am I a slut?

Did I use Cashel for my fame?

Am I in a relationship with Chevalier Fitzgerald?

Do I want to kill myself after the scandal spreads out?

Hindi ko lang pinapansin ang mga tanong nila sa akin pero habang lulan na kaming dalawa ni Victor ng taxi ay doon lang nag-sink in sa akin ang lahat. Natutulala na lamang ako. Gusto ko lang din naman maliwanagan. Gusto ko lang bakit hindi sinabi sa akin ni Chevy na may nangyari palang gano'n? Why do I only need to find out on social media? And now that Cashel wouldn't forgive me and people starts lashing my personality. It's gruesome. It's hurtful to be in this kind of spotlight. Later, I only get to realize that I've got scratches on my arms.

Good thing, Victor was always there for me.

And so we went back home to my apartment only to find out that there were paparazzi waiting outside of the building. We decided that I'll stay for the meantime in Victor's flat until they were gone.

I left Cashel a message again. Saying I'm sorry but a few minutes passed, wala akong natanggap na response. Same as Chevalier.

And who I'm not prepared to talk to, they flood me a lot of message.

Ma famille GC. 132 unread messages.

I guess, umabot na sa Pilipinas ang issue ko. Some of my colleagues in the Philippines might be celebrating right now. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay magkaroon ng magandang buhay but I always keep being pulled back to the pit of failures. Siguro nga I meant to be in this place all over again and there's no cure to it. It is a disease I've been carrying around and people will always left me dahil hindi nila kailangan ng isang katulad ko.

Should I hope for a cure? A better tomorrow? Kasi sa nakikita ko ngayon, kahit saan ako magpunta, walang magandang mangyayari. Even in the garden of Eden, my presence can't be allowed. So where should put my messy life in?

In Paris? In Manila? Or just like what they said, in the six feet underground?

***

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