Namjoon's life was a puzzle of emotions. If he lived a sad or happy one but the sadness was hazy. He had loving parents, a younger brother, good friends, and a good circle but the partiality and the freedom to not be able to do things just like his brother could was what killed him. He couldn't enjoy most of the things just because of his brother. What truly ate away at him were the double standards enforced by his parents, a constant unfairness that seemed to define his existence.

Living in a toxic family is difficult, but not being able to realize that your family is toxic is even more difficult. They kill you in a way, that even God can't.

Namjoon always bragged about how cool his parents were, and how they let them do most of the things his friend's parents wouldn't let them do. He had always bragged about the 'Joon' tattoo on his father's right hand. He had always brag about how his parents didn't force him to choose a career of their choice.

But one thing he could never brag about was, that his parents weren't partial.

Because they were, and it took him a lot of time to realize! No, it wasn't just one instance, he suffered through it daily. Every day, he would close his eyes, pluck his lower lip between his teeth and upper lip, and control himself from crying in front of his parents and brothers until it completely stopped.

No, he won't cry, he couldn't cry! He wasn't weak. He took it to the extent that after some time, he even stopped having tears. It would be a very rare occasion for him to cry, his friends started calling him emotionless after he didn't cry even at the end of Blue Valentine.

It did hurt him a lot, he wasn't emotionless. Was it his fault that after what all his parents made him go through, after all his tears and pleas were ignored his body naturally shut itself from showing emotions? Especially if it were about crying.

He wanted to be free too, he wanted to be happy too, he wanted to show his emotions too. But he couldn't, his parents didn't let him.

"Namjoon come down and set up the table." shouted Jin, his father from the kitchen. As a very sleepy Namjoon stumbled down to the stairs, if he wouldn't come then he would have just got more scolding so it's better to come down. He was studying all night and barely slept for an hour before he was woken up by Jin. Seeing Taehyung, his younger brother carelessly sitting on the slab and using his mobile just made him scoff. Why wouldn't his father ask Taehyung to do it, the boy did nothing. He doesn't study at all, barely listens to any order of Jin or Yoongi, and most of the time is out of the house playing with his friends. Yet he was their parent's favorite and not Namjoon. With a very grumpy mood, Namjoon started working, gaining Taehyung's attention who looked up from his phone and mocked Namjoon saying " Yahh yahh, good! keep working like this. You are our maid." Taehyung was undoubtedly a disrespectful boy but their parents would often take his rude talks as jokes just like now. Instead of a scolding came a small laugh from Yoongi, his appa who was coming downstairs all ready to go to the office. The sentence hurt Namjoon a lot, he wasn't their maid. Taehyung would always tease him by saying this, initially, Namjoon used to always complain about this to his parents but then eventually when he saw they didn't even bother enough to ask Taehyung to stop it, he stopped complaining too and just let the harsh words sink in his heart every time.

Namjoon loved travelling, he loved staring out of the road as it swiftly moved cutting through the air. He loved to see the trees covering the corners of the roads, he loved every small detail he could find on the road. But traveling with his family was never a good experience for him. They, especially his brother would never let him do it in peace and eventually it became a nightmare for him.

" Papa, please ask Taehyung to remove his legs from mine." complained Namjoon, as Taehyung's half body was on the seat in a lying position, while his legs rested upon Namjoon's injured ones. "It's okay Namjoon-ah let him be, he must be feeling tired." spoke Jin and turned his attention back to the view outside. Namjoon just let out a nod and with aching legs tried to enjoy the scenic beauty. But one thought kept lingering in his mind 'We just woke up an hour ago, why does Papa think he must be already tired'.

About another thirty minutes passed and the pain was now unbearable " Appa, please just for five minutes then he can keep his legs back. But pl-please just for five minutes." Namjoon was so close to crying right now but that didn't budge his parents, as Yoongi sharply glared at him forgetting about his injured legs, and spoke " Can't you behave maturely for once? You're his older brother, for God's sake. Will your legs break if he keeps his on yours for a while, huh? TELL ME!" Yoongi shouted, hitting the steering hard as Namjoon flinched and started sobbing.

" Pl-please appa... Just for five minutes, my le-legs are injured. " Yoongi abruptly stopped the car and both Yoongi and Jin turned back to face their children as Taehyung also awkwardly lowered his leg. The couple did feel a little guilty for forgetting about Namjoon's injury but then eventually they thought that the older would be fine, he is considerate enough.

But for how long? They all don't realise but all this is slowly breaking him inside.

Namjoon wanted to be pampered and spoiled too, just the way his parents would for his younger brother. Despite how bratty his brother was their parents would fulfill his every wish. But for Namjoon? Barely one out of many was fulfilled.

" Come on Namjoon wake up, we are already home." spoke Jin waking Namjoon from his slumber, despite the hazy view he could see his appa carrying his younger brother to their home. He wanted to be carried too. " Cawry me please papa." his voice was a little muffled, still not completely awake from his slumber, hair all messy he looked quite cute though. But Jin expressed his tiredness as frustration and spoke" No Namjoon get up, you aren't a kid anymore." Namjoon didn't reply to it and with sulked shoulders walked off to the house.

' You didn't carry me even when I was Tae's age.' thought Namjoon, scoffing at how his parents always preferred his younger brother.

He tried his best to be the best obedient son for them so that he would get the same treatment but maybe his parents liked disrespectful brats more, like Taehyung.

It was finally the lantern festival in Korea, and the family had been preparing for weeks for it now. But as usual, Taehyung just wasn't into festivals, never was. And, like clockwork, their parents let it slide every single time, no matter how big a deal the festival was.

Taehyung would always get off with a small scolding.

But Namjoon, once he forgot to help his father with the preparation. He spaced out in the park instead of helping his dad get ready for the festival. The memory of his dad laying into him in front of everyone sticks in his head— all because he wasn't in the kitchen lending a hand like he should've been. But what about Taehyung

" NAMJOON! " Namjoon turned back, hearing his name being called loudly as he saw an angry Yoongi marching towards him.

" What are you doing here, huh? Stop being so lazy... There your father is doing everything alone and you are out sitting and enjoying... DON'T YOU HAVE ANY SHAME ?" he shouted, gathering the attention of their neighbors towards themselves.

"Ap-appa please stop... I w-will help papa..." whimpered Namjoon in both pain and shame but it had no affect on Yoongi as he harshly dragged the boy inside and literally threw him on the kitchen floor . Jin just looked at him, without reacting turned back to complete his work.

Namjoon slowly got up and pitched in, but his mind kept circling back to Taehyung. "He's not even home, and appa won't say a word to him. And me? I step out for a bit after doing all my chores, and appa scolds me in front of everyone."

After that, there was barely a festival where Namjoon didn't cry. But that stopped too, he learned how to control his emotions, he learned how to control his desire to be pampered, he learned how to control his desire to be cared for. It just wasn't his parents anymore, he felt as if his friends were drifting away too now .

He longed for someone to listen to his cute little tantrums, he longed for someone to make up to him while he sat in fake anger. He wanted someone to remember small details about him but when none of it happened ,he slowly started building a shell around him. A barrier that nobody attempted to break, only making the walls stronger.

But he held onto his only support, music and writing!

He loved both of them, he loved how there were artists out there who were going through the same thing he was. He loved the way he had always written his feelings, his emotions as stories, and people would read them too , he could express his heart without being judged.

That made him feel a little less lonely than he was.

Namjoon sat by the window of his room reminiscing what happened just a few hours ago, how his parents left him and went without him. His favorite song played at full volume, filling the room with the familiar melody that now seemed to carry an undertone of loneliness.

Yes, I look happy, happy all the time

But you don't see me, see me when I cry

I can't find an open door
When I try, it breaks me more
Should I quit and should I go
Should I leave this all behind?
Same things happen all the time
Can't get out off my mind
Doing things I shouldn't do
If you ask me, I have no clue

Yes, I look happy, happy all the time
But you don't see me, see me when I cry
'Cause I'm a master, master of pretending
Lately never-ending

When does this all make any sense to mе?
God, I know you can set me free
And pleasе open a door and again restore
This broken piece of me
A better treasure chest that was made for more
And there is purpose behind closed doors
A better treasure chest that was made for more
And there is purpose behind closed doors
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Am I the one who is insane

For not feeling like the same?
All I want is to be heard
In a world that's full of hurt
Waking up, searchin' for a sign
Yes, I fall, but I still climb
No, you don't need me to teach
Just 'cause the dream is far to reach
Take this fear and take that doubt
Throw 'em away before I drown
Before I drown

Yes, I look happy, happy all the time
But you don't see me, see me when I cry
'Cause I'm a master, master of pretending
Lately never-ending

When does this all make any sense to me?
God, I know you can set me free
And please open a door and again restore
This broken piece of me
A better treasure chest that was made for more
And there is purpose behind closed doors
A better treasure chest that was made for more
And there is purpose behind closed doors

When does this all make any sense to me?
God, I know you can set me free
And please open a door and again restore

This broken piece of me,

" Appa ,may I please get a suit for this event? I really don't have anything to wear for the event."Namjoon pleaded, repeating his request for what felt like the millionth time that day. It was a function Namjoon was really looking forward to for months, he was never a big fan of shopping. He would just buy something when he needed to wear it and that too from a normal brand. However, it was Taehyung who loved shopping, each month their parents spent thousands on his shopping yet they always felt he didn't have much to wear upon.

The same was happening right now, Namjoon didn't have anything to wear for the event and he needed a suit. The frustrating contrast became more evident as Taehyung, who had acquired a new pair of shoes just four days ago, was now being handed another one. Simply because the older ones didn't match his dress. And his parents felt like.

Jin chimed in, "Namjoon, you know we've already spent a lot on clothes recently. We have to buy the shoes for Taehyung and we can't afford to buy you a suit right now."

Namjoon couldn't go there with the clothes he had neither he wanted to miss the event. "I just want one suit for this event. I promise I won't ask for anything else for a long time," Namjoon pleaded, hoping to sway his father's decision.

" If you want to go there, then wear what you have. Else don't come and rot here." harshly spoke Yoongi leaving the room with Jin to get ready leaving a teary Namjoon behind.

The word ' rot' shook Namjoon completely. In that moment, a stark realization hit him—he understood that, despite his best efforts to earn their love, his parents would always favor Taehyung over him. He couldn't change them, but he could change himself.

" I will never ask them for anything . I have spent 16 years of my life like this, I can spend two more and then I would never have to be in their clutches . I will study so hard, that they will have no say in my life . I will live the way I want, I will do the thing I want... I-I won't let them affect me... I won't c-cry for them..." spoke Namjoon to himself and since then, the only thing he did was study. His life motive was to study and get out of this hell. The only time his parents saw him was during meals, he shut off from everywhere. No social circle, no friends, no going out. Just studies, Namjoon understood the toll this lifestyle was taking on his mental health, yet he saw it as the necessary sacrifice for a brighter future. The isolation weighed on him, but he believed that enduring this hardship was a prerequisite for breaking free from the constraints that bound him. While aware of the toll it was taking on his well-being, he reasoned that staying within the confines of his parent's home wouldn't contribute positively to his mental health either.

And he did, he broke through all those constraints that were holding him back and built a life for himself, the one he wanted.

Sure Taehyung was compared a lot to him, but for that Namjoon didn't deserve to suffer for the sins Taehyung did. This was barely a percent of what Namjoon had been through, his suffering hardly could be expressed in words. There was a lot more to it, and he was glad to finally overcome it and be content in his life.

" W-we won't do this to our children's ... ri-right?" sobbed out Namjoon as he finally poured out a little bit of his misery to his boyfriend, the only one who was able to break the shell Namjoon had built over the years. Caressing his hair softly, Hoseok his boyfriend told "No baby... we would never ... We will give the world to our babies ... But but..." Hosoek halted as Namjoon gave him a curious look, peeking out from his boyfriend's chest .

"Before any of that, my this tiny baby over here deserves all of that love. My baby is so strong ... I love you so much joonie!"

Though late, but he did get all the things he wanted in his life.

Love ya all!

Can we complete 600 followers soon tho🤧

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