We spent as long as we could trying to come up with any other backup plans, but still, we came up with nothing. I sent them to bed before going to bed myself. We had a whole anxious day ahead of us tomorrow. We had to pretend everything was fine. I know Eren and Levi are planning on leaving notes in Nanaba's hands. One for every person in case they don't make it. I intended on doing the same. Writing these letters will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do, but I know Nanaba has it worse. She actually has to hand them out if the worst-case scenario happens.

Tomorrow I will be talking to Erwin telling him to open a portal for us so we can go on a simple recon mission. I had thought about having all of us just walking to the meeting point and back, but that would be even more dangerous not only for us but for the rest of our group. We could lead someone back to home base, or get caught before we ever even make it to the meeting.

I'm just hoping he buys it and doesn't tell anyone else what we are doing. He might be suspicious if we don't have any backup lined up. I could just tell him that Nanaba is our backup, but I'm not sure if he would buy that. Especially since I don't think she would be dressed for a mission.

I don't know how this is going to work. I mean I guess it wouldn't be bad if he told people where we were after he teleports us. I mean it's not like they know where the meeting point is or where to find us. All they would know is where we would teleport in which is going to be a good distance from the meeting point. That in itself is dangerous enough. There is a nationwide curfew and guards patrolling the streets. We need to be as stealthy as possible when making it to the meeting.

I sat down on my bed and pulled out a notepad. I stared at the paper for way longer than I wanted to. I would write most of these notes tomorrow, but some of them I just had to write today. I picked up the pen and took a deep breath before I started writing. "Dear Shadis."

When I woke up the next morning my head was pounding. I think it was a mix between both Eren and my stress and all of our worries floating around my head. "You okay?" Eren asked. I looked up to see him sitting at the edge of the bed looking back at me. He had a leg crossed and a notepad sitting in his lap.

I think he noticed that I was having a hard time. I could barely open my eyes without my headache worsening. My hand was rubbing at my head and I wanted nothing more than to just lay back down and go back to sleep. Anything to try and get this pain to stop.

"My head," I said quickly before sitting up. That was a bad idea. The room started spinning and I felt my vision darken go black for a moment before coming back. "I need to lay back down," I whispered mostly to myself at the realization that I'm much worse than I thought I was. I slowly leaned back until I felt my head hit the pillow. I closed my eyes and just tried to rest my head.

Eren was at my side almost instantly, his hand on my forehead. "What's wrong?" His other hand slipped into mine and gave it a comforting squeeze.

"Overwhelmed," I said back quickly not knowing what else to say.

"Should I leave the room?" he asked. As much as I desperately wanted him to stay by my side and lay with me I knew it would only make things worse. Especially now that he's worried about me as well as everything else.

"Yes please," I said quietly.

"Okay," he leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead. "I'll go sit with Pixis in his office, come grab me when you're feeling better."

"I will, sorry," I said. I couldn't help but feel guilty kicking him out of his own room.

"No need to be sorry," he said, giving me a smile that just melts my heart. His hand slipped out of mine and I wanted to desperately grab it back and keep him here next to me. God, I love him. He's so understanding. What did I do to deserve him?

I closed my eyes and tried to rest a little longer, but sleep didn't seem to work out. My headache did start to fade away now that Eren was out of the room. I felt bad saying that he was the cause of my headache even though we both knew it was the case. I know he doesn't mind it as much as I do, but I feel bad having to kick him out of the room every time I get a little overwhelmed.

I sat up and grabbed a notepad. It was probably best if I could get started on these while he's not in here. These are emotional enough and having two people writing them in the same room my head would explode, besides he doesn't need to see me getting all teary-eyed.

I started writing "dear Eren," before reality came crashing down. Oh. I don't have to make one for him. Chances are if one of us dies we all will die. I sat back in the bed as reality hit me like a ton of bricks. This could really be the end for us. I know it's selfish, but if we do die I want to be the first to go. I can't bear to watch them die in front of me.

I tore the page off the pad and started again. "Dear Jean."

When I had finished writing all the notes half the day was already wasted. I thought I should probably go find Eren and grab some of the food they had brought. We all needed our strength so no matter how nauseous I felt I had to eat something. I know I'm just feeling sick because of the nerves but the thought of food was revolting right now. Not to mention that I had to fake a smile in front of everyone and pretend that everything was okay.

I hated lying to people and now I feel like that's all I ever do. I know we have to but I guess it makes it even worse. Their last memory of me will be a lie. I just have to avoid mom all day today. The thought of lying straight to her face... I might break and tell her everything. The guilt would get to me.

God, mom. I hope that we make it out alive no matter what, but mostly for her sake. I can't imagine the heartbreak she would go through if we didn't make it. She wouldn't be able to track down and kill whoever killed us either. It would be completely unknown what happened, but we would be gone. No goodbyes, no final parting words, no I love you's, nothing. I knew she couldn't take it. Not again. That's why we have to make it back... no matter what. I will do everything in my power to bring us all back safely. Even if it means she kills us when we get back.

I made my way down the hallway and poked my head into the room. There were a few people here and there but they all seemed preoccupied. I tried to walk through without anyone noticing but of course, they just had to notice.

"Hey Levi," Jean called out. He got up from one of the tables and of course, Marco followed him. God this is the shitty thing about having friends. They actually notice when you enter the room.

"Hey guys," I said forcing a smile to my face. I tried to act normal, but I knew I was slipping.

"What have you been up to. I swear you and Eren have been avoiding us," he said as more of a joke, but when my eyes left his he changed his tone of voice to a more concerned one. "Is something going on? Are you actually avoiding us?"

"No, no, not at all," I said with a more relaxed tone trying to ease his worries, "sorry I've just been really distracted. I've been thinking about everything and all that and ya know when you get in your head and you just kinda feel miserable and don't wanna talk to anyone," I said awkwardly.

"Oh, yeah I get that," Marco nodded along.

"But you're doing okay now? Right?" Jean asked.

"Yeah, I'm doing better, I was just looking for Eren. He went to go talk to Pixis to see if there were any future plans," I said, trying to excuse myself.

"Okay, and um- are you sure you're doing okay?" Jean asked again, "You seem really jumpy? Do you want us to come to your guys' room tonight? We could all just hang out if you want."

I could tell by his tone before his thoughts even popped up. They missed us as much as we missed them, but with all this sneaking around we couldn't exactly hang out as much. Let alone have them in our room while we sneak out every night. "I'm okay, I just had a nightmare that's all," I said with a smile, "and maybe we could rain check that until tomorrow night?" I asked with a smile, "tonight Eren and I were planning for some, uh, alone time," I said with a suggestive smile.

"Oh, I got you," Jean laughed, "say less. But tomorrow night for sure?" He asked.

My heart broke into tiny pieces as I forced myself to say "Tomorrow night for sure." I gave him a pat on the shoulder before walking away. I walked into Pixis's office and saw it was just Eren and Pixis in there. I couldn't hold out any longer. The tears just fell from my eyes.

Instantly they both jumped up and I felt Eren's arms around me. "What happened?"

"I just made a promise I don't think I can keep," I mumbled before explaining what just happened.

No matter what I don't think we will be able to keep that promise. If we die on the mission then we break the promise, and if we don't and make it back home they might be too pissed at us to keep to it.

Eren just rubbed my back and let me silently cry on his shoulder until I calmed down. I know it was a stupid reason to cry, but I just couldn't bear the thought of them realizing that not only I lied to them but I passed up possibly our last opportunity to hang out for the mission that might kill us.