Eren, Jean, and Marco started heading back to our room when I dismissed myself. "I'll be back in a minute. I have something to take care of," I said before waiting for Ymir to start heading back to her room. I waited as the room cleared out. When there were only a few people left, Ymir and Christa decided to start heading back. When she started walking I grabbed her arm and dragged her away from Christa who looked very confused about everything.

"I'll be back in a second," Ymir said, trying to ease Christa's worries.

I threw Ymir up against the wall a little harder than I meant to. I looked her in the eyes making sure she knew I wasn't playing around, "Is Reiner around?"

"You know I can't-."

"Bullshit!" I yelled, "don't you dare give me that." I know why she's doing this but she doesn't need to pull this stunt with me. I want to be able to help her with her own grief since she never gets her own time to grieve. On top of that, I want to know Reiner's opinions on everything that's happening. Berthold is doing this in his name and we don't even know if he is okay with killing. Even if he's okay with us killing, maybe he's not okay with Berthold's reasonings.

I want him to talk some sense into Berthold to make him see reason. Even if he can't change his mind then to at least make sure he gives him a better reason than pure revenge. I can see why they would vote to allow killing but at the same time having your reason be only revenge isn't going to solve anything.

I honestly don't know what I want. Maybe to have closure? Maybe to just be able to say goodbye. I mean I know we never fully got along but I still thought of him as a close friend. We may have butted heads but we were still friends nonetheless. If not friends then family.

I watched as she opened her mouth trying to find something to say before she finally let out a sigh, "not yet."

"You tell me when he appears to you." I wanted to keep my voice flat and calm but it came out more begging than anything.

"You mean if. It's not a guarantee that they will. Especially since Reiner was mad at me. He might have carried that anger over. Sometimes when spirits wake up they will remember emotions but not why they feel them so he could feel that anger and never want to talk to me again."

I paused for a moment trying to remember why he was mad at her. That's right Ymir let it slip that Ilsa was around and he almost lost it on her, that was before everyone got shot. They never had time to really talk about everything after that. He never got closure. "But you will see him if he's around Berthold right?"

She put her hand on my shoulder and I realized I was still pinning her to the wall. My grip on her arms were tight and I didn't even realize it before. I quickly let her go and let out a quiet apology. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You didn't hurt me," I could tell she was lying cause her arms were sore. "Not if he doesn't want to be seen."

"Your power is so frustrating," I sighed. Letting my hands fall to my side and gripping at my pants. I didn't want to hurt anyone and the fact that I did it without even realizing.

"You're telling me," she laughed. "But if I see him I'll try and let you know," she said giving in.

"Good because I want to know if I just made the biggest mistake of my life by agreeing to kill people if need be."

"I never thought you would be the one to worry about that sort of thing," she mumbled mostly to herself. "I wouldn't worry about it too much. Besides Erwin and Mina still have to cast their votes who knows they might not agree with us, and even if they do, as you said earlier I doubt we are going to be killing everyone we will probably only do it when we have to."

Still, even so, that's what I'm worried about. When do we count killing as a necessity? After someone dies? If it looks like someone might die? If we get surrounded? Are we going to start killing just if we get spotted on a mission to keep others from being alerted? Where does necessity stop being a necessity and start being because we can?

"Right," I mumbled, not knowing how to phrase my concerns. I just turned around and started heading back towards my room. I didn't have enough energy to do this tonight. I had to stop myself from breaking down thinking about how it's happening again. The people I care about are dying. I can't lose anyone else. How many more people am I going to lose? How many more of my friends are going to die?

How much blood will be on my hands after tonight? I could have casted my vote against the bloodshed, if my vote is the deciding factor then that would make all of the people who we kill my fault. Their blood will be on my hands. I could have voted to stop this madness, but I voted for it.

Voting on the spot was the worst thing we could have done. We all needed time to think time to clear our heads. They can't just tell us "hey Reiner died, now vote if you want to kill people." I wonder how many people voted for the sake of revenge. How many voted because they let their emotions cloud their judgment. We needed to maybe bring up the topic but save it for a later date to actually vote and discuss.

I didn't even make it to my room. My legs were shaking too much and it was getting too hard to breath. Everything weighed me down right there in the hallway. The weight of my vote and all the blood that would follow. The news about Reiner. The fact that I hurt Ymir. I just backed into the wall before sliding down and pulling my knees close to my chest as I sat there on the floor trying to hold it all together. I didn't want to break down here but I definitely didn't want to do it in front of the others.

They all seemed so sure about their choices. Eren and Jean made up their minds to kill pretty quickly. Marco made up his mind that he couldn't kill. They were all dead set on their choices. None of them would budge at the simplest suggestion. But here I am unsure if I made the right choice. I was on the fence and I picked a side without wanting to. I was unsure and had so many eyes on me that I just went with the side that seemed to make the most sense in that second. The more I think about it though the less it makes sense. We needed to discuss the boundaries more because I might have just signed up for my worst nightmare ever.

"Oh hun," I heard mom's voice say as she sat down next to me.

I wanted to look up at her, but I physically couldn't. How could I face her? Even she was sure of her choice. How was I supposed to tell her that not only was I not sure but I'm having second thoughts?

On top of that, I hurt Ymir. I pinned her to the wall and held her arms so tight it probably will leave bruises. She might have brushed them off but I know I hurt her. I know she was scared of me even if it was just for a second even if she never showed it I felt it. The biggest thing of all... I didn't even care. Not right away. A part of me was even happy that she was scared of me because it meant she might tell me the truth without me having to work hard for it. How fucked up is that? How am I supposed to explain any of this to mom?

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked and all I could do was shake my head. "That's okay. I know the last few days have been really hard and losing Reiner probably hurts, but we don't have to talk about any of that okay, I just want to check in and see how you are feeling about the vote. I know that you must be struggling with your choice."

I felt my head shoot up as I looked her in the eyes. "How?" is all I could bring myself to say. How on earth did she know that?

"Sweetheart, I know you. You've always been the person to want to help. You've always wanted to make sure everyone is safe and in a good place even at the extent of yourself sometimes. I expected you to vote against killing and when you didn't I knew you probably didn't want to pick either side right?"

I just nodded. Why did there have to be sides to start? Why did we have to go into a majority rules instead of just sitting down and discussing our options and coming to a compromise?

"The more I weigh my options the more I question why I choose it," I whispered.

"I understand that. I wasn't fully behind killing either, but I knew that I would be a hypocrite to vote against it. I would kill for any of you kids and you all know that so if I said I was against it everyone would call me on my bullshit, but just because I would, doesn't mean it's something I want to do if there is actually a choice."

"I mean I understand both sides but when does it stop. If both sides are killing what stops us from being like them? Who are the real monsters when both sides act the same?"

"It's less about monsters and more about point of view," Mom mumbled. "I mean we don't exactly know what's going on in their heads to make them do what they do, not that I really care one way or another. If they hurt my babies then I don't care what goes through their head they are still hurting my children."

"But couldn't they argue the same?" I asked, "I mean in their eyes that's the same thing that will happen if we start killing them. We will always be killing someone's baby, someone's son, someone's daughter, their spouse, their friend. So what makes them different from them?"

She paused for a moment to think about it before finally looking up at me, "I guess the real difference between us is they started killing us almost instantly. Whereas we held out for years without killing them even losing two people before finally deciding enough is enough. That is the difference."

I just sat back and sighed, that's not much of a difference in the long run. I mean sure they came out shooting from nearly the start, however, they are soldiers it's quite literally their job. I mean I'm not trying to defend them in any way, I'm just trying to understand. I mean we don't know why they do what they do. Whether they are just following orders, or if they have their own motivations. From the thoughts I've heard most seem to enjoy their job, others seem indifferent, but none of them have any trouble with pulling the trigger.

Again that could just be because they are soldiers, but that doesn't explain the fact that none of them see us as humans. We are nothing more than a pest that must be exterminated. I used to think it was just a few of them that see us like that but after our last mission and hearing all the same thoughts in these new people it's feeling less and less like a coincidence.

I mean we know the government has lied about us and made a whole bunch of false propaganda, but how many lies have they told? What are they telling these people to have them dehumanize us, hell to even demonize us?

"Do you think Auruo and Molbit will be up to talk tomorrow? I have a few questions I want to ask them." I finally blurted out.

"I'm sure they will be okay to talk."

"Okay thank you," I mumbled. I just sat back fully calmed down with a new goal in mind. Figure out what the hell kinda propaganda they are brainwashing people with. If they are telling something to their soldiers that is so bad it strips humanity away from us to make us easier to kill. I wonder what type of fear-mongering they are doing to just ordinary people?