Chapter 20

Food Cupboard

(unedited)

It's horrifying of how much a sexual dream can drain someone. Not only physically, but mentally. Such encounters in the aftermath lead to being distant and, in some scenarios, becoming awkward. In different cultures and scenarios, sexual dreams or fantasies mean and tell different things.

In some ironic situations and beliefs; it's Lucifer disguising himself in the deeds of nightmares as he shape shifts into what you wish for him to be. The once angel who had tried to take over heaven, now leading the realms of Hell, depending on what the remedial believes you follow. Also, a cultural belief of being bisexual (or pansexual) depending who you ask. In this scenario, I wasn't sure a figure of belief would control my thoughts of Christian in my dreams, and I was a figure of Heaven or Hell would control these kinds of dreams.

Picking my phone up again, I marvel over turning it on again or not. My pulse racing once again with nerves as I take a deep breath and count to three, then power the phone on. Instead of waiting for the phone to power up like a red light turning to green, I head towards my journal where my art stands unfinished; picking up a pencil to etch out the rest of my unfinished project.

Only after the finishing touches and realising that this picture would be perfect for a passing grade if I were to pass it in, do I check and see what Christian's response is as I look back at the artistry I had just finished of him. His eyes sitting perfectly like the shape of heart-shaped almonds, his arched lips parted as he's about to say something. Every centimetre adds up to how I want to keep this artwork a hidden secret.

Instead, in my mind, I see myself destroying it so no one finds out as a Spotified version of Nirvana's MTV Unplugged plays on my earbuds as Kurt Cobain talks about one song on the set list. With that elision, I fold up the artwork instead and tuck it away under my mattress.

***

An earlier hit single by Avril Lavigne was playing on Christian's speakers as I slid in. Autumn leaves are now invading every inch of the ground as the trees now stand mostly naked. A reminder that Halloween would soon approach, and kids collecting a debt as candy in a pumpkin head bucket as Christian rocks his beauty status with pigtailed hair and a Biblical verse tank top as he wears cheap sunflower leggings.

"Your vibe," I tell him. Though if I squinted enough, I'd be able to see him rock the image of Kurt Cobain in his floral dress and Fender Strat guitar. An aesthetic few boys could do in fear that it would get them criticized by body image and societal judgment.

"Don't be a hater tater," Christian tells me, leaving me only to smirk at the thought, even though I didn't want to admit it. I had an official (secret) boyfriend before I graduated, a sex dream from last night I didn't want to bring up (it didn't feel right) and everything in my mind wanted to work through this labyrinthine called Christian as his newest early thousands pop boy music plays through the jeep speakers.

In the next few moments, we sit there changing the subjects to talk about as his nostalgic playlist changes songs and we rock out with each track. Each track echoing what Dryden had accused him of being. Words I didn't dare echo. Words that I knew weren't true.

Then again, how would I know? Did Dryden know an entire secret side to Christian that I didn't? I couldn't ask, even if my brain had wanted to. I was overthinking. A characteristic value I knew I would have to stop.

Before I could stop myself as a song Kelly Clarkson released after American Idol plays, I overthink leading to my lips falling onto his. Almost a replay of what happened the first time I had kissed him. This time I had no escape route if I had wanted to get out of his jeep. The almond flavour reflects off his lips as the kiss lasts longer. Before I decide to push myself away, scared, I feel his kiss back. Our first (official) kiss without bailing this time. A small victory dance formed in my head.

"I kissed you; here in public," I told him as I realised where we were. Out in the open. Right in front of the church where the Food Cupboard takes place and everyone could see us. Anyone who saw us could easily tell my parents, and I knew where that would lead.

"No one saw us," Christian tried reassuring me; though it didn't comfort me as much as I hoped. This whole secret world I had protected myself from for years could now open up at any moment. Maybe he was one hundred comfortable being himself in a judgemental environment, but he didn't have my parents. He didn't have to worry about being condemned to hell for being himself. Even though he drove me crazy more than I wanted to admit, this wasn't the time to think about that.

We just had our first kiss, and I did the exact opposite of what I had wanted to do. I got scared that someone in public would see us and tell my parents. I was always scared of that. A keynote to being sent to a conversion camp or some other conversion method. So I made a big deal out of it.

"How do you know?" I ask him as another song switches on his cassette as it clicks onto the other side. A similar scenario happens plenty of times in the shows that I watch. I had become that insecure main character. Maybe I had always been that insecure character. I wasn't sure anymore.

"You're not a Young Royal and the paparazzi aren't fucking coming," Christian tells me. A bear edge I hadn't heard in his voice. "Do you see anyone out here? '' he adds before I lay my head back on the window and it goes silent between the two of us. Maybe I should have thought this through. I knew I wasn't a Young Royal; neither was he, so why did that matter? That was when I knew I was the main character of the story. The one that needed a characteristic glow up if I wanted this story to be told differently.

"That's not it. I," I tell him. My thoughts leading to a dead end. What had I wanted to tell the boy who I'd known for six weeks that would get this to end differently? I had feelings for him? My off and on best friend accused him of being a drug dealer? No teenage drama covered these subjects. Every other thinking process leads my mind to hitting the walls in my brain.

"What is it then?" Christian asks musically; showing that whatever answer I have may want to be thought out carefully. This new dramatic plotline was something I hadn't thought of yet. It was testing water I hadn't endured. Not with anyone; my brain retracing back to the part where I had just openly kissed him a few moments ago. It was like that song from that Brad Pitt movie where you didn't talk about the club.

"It's that," I told him, as I'm still trying to figure out what to say. My brain is still standing on everything that my parents and Dryden have uttered to me my entire life. After saying yes to him being my boyfriend in a world full of social media, I should be able to tell him exactly what's on my mind, but I can't. "I told a ceramic figure I wouldn't wait for his permission to date you, but here I am. I'm doing just that," the worlds spilling out all at once. Before he can process what I had just said, I slide out of his jeep, heading toward where my mother would be.

***

In the middle of stocking up cans of mixed vegetables that would soon be shaped like either a terrible version of a pyramid or a wall, I received a text message on my phone. I didn't have to guess or check to see who sent it. I knew. It was Christian. After a few more pings, I get ready to slide the phone out of my pocket when the lady with a slightly plump figure, whom I can only assume is Gloria, comes over to see how things are going.

"Hello Luke," she greets me, and I'm not sure if it's because of my name tag or if my mother had told her my name. "I'm glad you could join us." she adds, though no concerns about how the mixed vegetables are going out as clients who came for food took their turns going around the small aisles that fellow volunteers had made.

Now I wanted to check my texts and see what Christian had said. Maybe he had hated me for telling him I had told Jesus, or whatever name Catholics used for the robed ceramic figure, that I wouldn't ask permission to date him, yet here I was feeling like I was doing just that. So with the sex dream and the kiss that we had officially just shared an hour ago, the dynamic to my problem at the moment? Is this really what feelings feel like?

As soon as Gloria walked away, my table still being stocked with veggie mountain, I whipped my phone out of my pocket like any teenager who's worried about their love, life, or interest. What I think is going to be multiple hate texts is something else. A clip art of Jesus with a caption stating that he loves the gays. Instead of texting him back, I quickly shove my phone back in my pocket as though someone in the church would be curious what the smirk on face had been about.

"You go to school with Derek, don't you?" I heard someone ask as they grabbed a can from Veggie mountain. At first, I was a little confused by the question. Who was this Derek person? Was he supposed to be someone I knew? Maybe he had been someone who was at Dryden's party that night. Nobody by the name of Derek minded. The girl standing on the opposite side of the table holding a can before placing it in her cart waits for my answer.

"I don't. I go to school with a Dryden Smith though," I tell her as I assumed that was possibly who she had meant. Maybe she was looking for Dryden as one of his hook ups, or who knew what else. I was about to ask her to find out as a notification pings on my phone. With no hesitation, she grabs her phone from her back pocket of her jeans; assuming to do what most teenagers do: ask for my number or social media contact?

I stand there completely frozen in an awkward paradigm as she strategically plays this out. "Would you want to hang out with us after this?" she finally asks; making her point of what this was about. Other than that night at Dryden's party, I had no experience with hanging out with other teenagers. Maybe it had been because of how I had closed myself off in my youth, or maybe how I figured the religious values of life would see me as I got older and tell me I'm living in a world of sin. I should know because I've seen the TikTok videos.)

"I've got Bible Study after this," I tell her. An excuse that only I was sure my parents would be proud of me telling Christian the next time he showed up at the house or if anyone knew about the kiss we shared in the jeep. The brief pangs of anxiety clinging onto everything in my body. Maybe that had been the wrong thing to say. Maybe; right here in this church I should tell everyone I'm gay and I just had my official kiss just before I came into the Food Cupboard and let everyone judge me. Instead, I stayed closeted.

"I'm sure Bible Study can wait until after the beach," she tells me. Only then did it dawn on me. I remembered her from the party. She was one girl who had been watching Dryden and the football team play Call of Duty. Was she right? Had the fictional Bible Study I created been able to wait? "I never told you my name. I'm Amber," Amber added as she smiled, revealing her braces as she showed a hopeful dimpled smile.

"Well, then Amber; I guess I'm hanging out with you at the beach," I tell her as she texts whoever had talked her into getting me to go. A silent plea that this didn't end up like that scene in The Princess Diaries at the beach where Mia was tricked by the mean girls and that one boy. If it was anything like that, I would be screwed, and not being into girls who I wouldn't be able to fake chemistry with definitely wasn't on the agenda as I retaliate and restock Veggie Mountain.

"Amber came and saw you," I hear the voice of Dryden. That's when my stomach dropped. The slow income of anxiety as it pangs over the one person besides my boyfriend who knew my secret. The boy who could tell my parents the truth. My body freezes as he lightly brushes across my hand, as a can of veggies drops from the mountain, breaking the moment and I quickly rush to pick it back up; hoping no one has seen. Leaving awkward tension between us.

"Dryden," I hear the happy welcoming voice of Gloria as she wraps him in a hug and all I can do is turn back to restocking Veggie Mountain.