I needed to pick up my marbles. I couldn't have lost them completely. It was just temporary. Shock, as Birdie had said. I was completely fine!

Denial and I had been good friends in the past so I couldn't see any reasons why I shouldn't re-establish contact.

Okay no, Nathan, stop that.

I was even more or less talking to myself. I hadn't done that before as much as I did now.

"You guys sleep alright?" Birdie asked from the front seat.

"Yeah, it was alright," Che muttered back.

"Our bed was really bad. Had a loose spring in it, I think. It was jamming into my back all night," Birdie continued. "Anyways, we're in Indiana now! Maybe we'll see some Amish people."

"What's Amish?" I asked with a low voice. Birdie caught my gaze in the rear-view mirror and smiled.

"It's a way of life. Very simple compared to our lifestyle. They're very religious, so they don't believe in modern technology. They basically live like it's the 1800's."

"Why?" Nat asked.

"They're a certain branch of Mormons, so I guess their prophet told them so," Che chimed in. "And they speak a weird version of Dutch too. They call normal people 'English'."

"If we meet anyone, and they call me English..." Nat said with a threatening voice.

"We probably won't," Birdie said in an attempt to calm the fury of my twin sister. "They live on secluded compounds."

I frowned. I didn't understand that at all. Technology was great. I loved it. Electricity. Cars. Phones. All that jazz. Why choose to live without it?

Indiana was beautiful though. A lot of trees. Except after four hours of watching trees fly past the windows, I got bored with it. We finally stopped at yet another diner, and I had to pull on my disguise. The contact lenses, the beanie, hunching my shoulders, try to be as small as possible. I didn't like the contact lenses. They made my eyes sore, and I had to dump eye drops in my eyes every time I used them.

We sat down at a table and looked over the menus. I wasn't really hungry, so I opted to just stare out the window instead.

This place was so fancy, we had to go up and place our orders at the bar, and then wait for the food to arrive there. Che and Nat took care of that, even though I wanted Che to stay. I didn't say anything though.

"So, Nathan..." Birdie said hesitantly. I just kept my eyes on my twin and boyfriend. "I know you don't say much these days, but could you maybe talk to me a bit?"

I shrugged a shoulder.

"Che's very worried about you. I know you're going through some extreme anxiety right now, so you're really making me worried too. Especially when you can't talk about it. If you could just tell me a bit about what's going on, it would really put my mind to rest a bit."

I blinked and looked back at him. "I'm okay," I said.

It wasn't just about being afraid of death. I mean, it was pretty obvious all my memories coming back at once definitely had broken something inside my head. I had a therapist at the Academy in New York, and she said something like this might happen. Should've listened to her.

Remembering every single horrible thing I've ever done? Fucking photographic memory.

"Nathan, you're not a very good liar," Birdie sighed.

I shrugged and looked back out the window.

I just can't right now, Birdie. I can't do it.

I was still sifting through all the memories, my head feeling cluttered. I just needed some time to sort it out.

Che and Nat returned with our food and drinks. I mostly just poked at the fish and listened to them talk about being Amish.

I rose to my feet and walked outside. I needed air. And a fag. I felt Che behind me and handed him a fag too.

"Thanks," he murmured and took the lighter from me too. "You didn't eat much."

"Not hungry," I replied. He stepped in front of me and loosely wrapped his fingers around mine.

"That's okay. We can always stop again and get food when you're hungry."

"Not necessary."

He kept the small, calm smile on his face, but he was struggling. There was something he wanted to say, but he wasn't saying it. I took a drag of my fag and blew out the smoke.

"You look beautiful," he murmured for some reason. I tipped my head up, and the corner of my mouth twitched. I gripped harder around his fingers, lacing mine in between his.

"You're just saying that."

"Well, I did just say it. And I mean it." He smirked down at me. He bent down and briefly kissed me. "I love you."

I inhaled sharply, let go of his hand and wrapped my arms around him. I needed him to be close. The animal woke up and rolled around for the first time since I got my memories back. I pressed my face to the middle of his torso – I didn't reach up further. I was so small compared to Che. Compared to everyone really. But Che didn't care. Che was the best person in the world, really. I had gone batshit crazy, and he was still here, loving me.

"I don't deserve you," I muttered and looked up at him.

"I am pretty great... But so are you." He winked down at me and ran his hand over my head. For just a second a vibration went through my body. A second of a purr. And Che heard it. He smiled widely and bent down, so we were on eye level.

"It's good to know it's still alive in there," he whispered. "I've missed the purring."

"It's still there. And it loves you too."

He put both of his hands on top of my head and kissed my forehead, inhaling deeply. "We should get back inside."

I nodded but didn't move. Neither did he. I had been so anxious since... Well... Shane... And it had kind of killed my mood completely. The only thing I wanted was for Che to hold me. Just stay close. Not talk. But now I felt the want for something else. Something else entirely. For the first time in like... I don't even know how long. I balled my fists in his shirt and looked up at him.

"I love you," I whispered.

"I know," he murmured and smiled down at me, before kissing me.

Back in the car, I knew I had to say something. I wanted to tell them, I remembered everything. These people were so important to me, and this was important. Right? It was important, right?

"I..." I started, and Nat turned around in her seat, looking expectantly at me. "I uh..." It was important, right? If it wasn't, then they could just move on like nothing had happened. "I remember everything..."

Birdie took a hard swing and held into the side of the road, the tires screeching, turning around to look at me.

"How long have you remembered everything?" Birdie asked very seriously.

"Since... Shane..." I muttered a little startled by his reaction.

"Why didn't you say anything before?" Che asked and took my hand in his. I glanced up at him shooting him an 'are you kidding me'-look. Che cringed a bit and muttered 'right' under his breath.

"Well, this certainly explains your behaviour," Birdie said with his best therapist voice.

"So what do we do now?" Nat asked.

"Well... We could try medication, but I think I know the answer to that, right?" Birdie looked at me a bit tiredly.

"No drugs," I said sternly. "I'm gonna be okay... I've been through this before."

"You have?" Che asked, very surprised.

I nodded. "When I was nine."

"And Cal... Made you forget, right?"

I nodded again.

"Okay... So... What?" Nat asked and glanced at Birdie, before looking back at me, as if she was looking for his permission to ask. "What do we do now?"

"Nothing. We continue. I just thought you'd like to know."

Okay, so maybe it hadn't been important at all. Fine, then we could just move on, and when I eventually mentioned this again, they wouldn't get angry at me for not telling. I had covered my tracks here. I was in the clear.

I leaned back against the backrest of the back seat and squeezed Che's hand, clearly ready for us to get going again.

It seemed Birdie and Che were having a silent conversation spoken only with looks and expressions. It looked like Birdie didn't win, because he huffed and got us back on the road without a word. We drove in silence for a couple of hours and for once, it didn't feel good. I didn't want this to be awkward.

"I remember you too, Nat..." I said hesitantly.

She turned around in her seat so she could look at me. Then she more or less burst out crying. She unbuckled her seat belt and crawled into the back seat, under loud protests from Birdie. She dumped down on the seat next to me and wrapped her arms around me, sobbing loudly. I stroked her hair, and for the first time, I wasn't touching Che. I was just holding my crying sister.

"Why are you crying?" I asked.

"Because you forgot me. I spent all those years missing you, and you forgot me. Because of Cal. Because of Dad."

"I kept remembering you," I said softly. "I kept remembering you, and I would ask Cal where you were. Because I didn't understand. Sometimes I forgot I was in prison, and I would go looking for you. Calling out your name in the halls. Even when I didn't remember you, I felt broken. I knew something was missing."

"Really?" she croaked and looked up at me. I nodded and tried to smile a bit. "I'm sorry I'm being so overly emotional about this."

"Don't apologise for that, twin," I murmured and pulled her closer again. The animal reacted, and it felt like it was trying to reach out to hers, but the connection was so fuzzy. If it hadn't been, I'm pretty sure I would have recovered much faster. We did a lot of mental healing on each other, Nat and I. Much like Che did with me.

After getting my memories back, I had gotten a different understanding of the connection to Nat. I remembered my mum talking about it with a doctor once. Back then I didn't understand what it all meant, but now I did. I understood all of it.

We got separated the minute we were conceived, but our animals didn't. They're like conjoined twins really. Apparently, that runs in the family since Ailis, and our dad was the same. And they weren't identical twins. Nat's babies were going to be the same. Connected just like Nat and me.

I didn't know if I liked that realisation. Nat wasn't happy about the connection, because she was the submissive one in this relationship. She was the one suffering under the weight, while I stood on top of her, revelling in the heights I could reach. Being the oldest made me the dominant one. That's what my dad meant with Nat was mine. Ailis was his.

But we weren't doing it like they were. Fuck no. Maybe that was why it never worked out between my parents. Because my dad was already too connected to Ailis. He couldn't love anyone but her. Maybe that's why he couldn't love us, his children, either.