Every day flowed together with the one before. I couldn't really keep up with what we were doing most of the time. I just knew we were driving again. I didn't even see the landscape fly past us.

Che was talking to me again, telling me about how there used to be millions of buffalo, but they were almost hunted to extinction. I wanted to say, that's what happened to cat shifters like Nat and me. We were also hunted. I felt bad for the buffalo.

I curled my fist in Che's shirt. He looked down at me and smiled. He always smiled when I moved a bit. I just wanted to encourage him to keep talking. I liked the sound of his voice.

Lately, I had opted to actually not just lean against him. I sat in the middle, Che sitting next to the window, behind Birdie. I was still leaning against him, but not like I had until yesterday. I was more or less curled up next to him, constantly keeping him close. Now I was just leaning my shoulder against his, staring out the front window.

I could still see how he actually lit up when I grabbed his shirt. It's not like I wanted to be like this, but the hollow feeling in my chest was holding me back from being me. I wanted to just talk to Che, but every time I tried, I choked up, got all freaked and started hyperventilating. So no more talking for me, if I couldn't stop my anxiety.

Birdie kept telling me to just take it slow. Let myself get back to a point where I could maybe just communicate a bit. So right now, pulling on Che's shirt was all I could do. He seemed to be content with it. For now anyways.

"You hungry?" he asked softly.

I just blinked. Nodding and shaking my head was still too... Communicate-y. Couldn't do it. Nope. And I needed to lean closer to Che. I just had to be close to him. It calmed the freaked as fuck animal inside of me. Dealing with my own anxiety was more than enough, but dealing with the animal's inside too? No thanks. Che functioned as a tranquillizer for that bastard. I loved Che so much.

"We'll get you some nice food. Some good food. So you can gain weight the healthy way, yeah?"

I'd like that. Che knew I'd like that. I scooted closer to him again more or less pressing myself to his side. His arm clenched around me, and it felt nice. He was warm.

I couldn't remember what we'd done the day before, and that was very unlike me, irony aside. The photographic memory was kind of failing me. It made me anxious. What was it we had done yesterday? Had we stopped at a diner or did we eat outside? I couldn't remember...

"Hey Nathan, look," Che said. "A deer."

I looked out and caught the deer looking back at us. Birdie slowed down the car, and the deer just kept looking at us.

"She's pretty," Nat said. "Don't you think, Nate?"

I glanced at my sister before looking back at the deer. She was really pretty. This was a nice image. The sun was shining its pale rays of light through the trees, sending small spotlights through the crowns, and the deer was standing in the middle of one.

Whenever something ugly happened, I'd think of the deer. To remind myself there was beauty outside of this world. Outside of mine. Not everyone was out fighting for their lives. Some creatures were just living it. Existing, surrounded by beauty.

I looked back up at Che, and he smiled at me. I smiled a little back. I had beauty right next to me. I didn't need a mental image of a pretty nature scene when I had him.

I balled my fist in his shirt again, making sure he knew that I wanted him here. Right next to me and nowhere else.

"So you take the popcorn," Birdie explained. "And then you mix in the chocolates with it." He poured a bunch of chocolate balls into the paper bag, containing the popcorn. "And voilà. We've got the best snack in the world."

Birdie held the bag out for me and my sister to try it. I took one chocolate ball and one fluffy white popcorn. I carefully popped them in my mouth, but I didn't like it. I swallowed hard and then clenched my jaw to stop myself from vomiting. That was the most vile thing I had ever tasted in my life, and I didn't understand why Birdie would feed me that.

But both Birdie and Che were happily munching on it, talking about how they used to go to the cinema when they were kids, and this would be all they ate.

I wanted to ask why they had gone to the cinema. It wasn't like films weren't shown on TV. Back in Ireland, we had had film nights, where the guards would project the film up on a big wall. But we couldn't just turn on the TV when we wanted. We had certain times for the telly. Che and Birdie had tellies in their rooms back in the States.

"Don't you like it?" Che asked and smiled at me.

I didn't respond in any other way than scooting closer to him. I wanted to shake my head, but even just thinking about that made me anxious.

He didn't seem discouraged as he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer. He didn't ask me any other questions, but he kept his arm protectively around me. And I felt safe being this close to him. He could truly protect me. He had already protected me.
He killed Shane.

"We'll stop for lunch soon. And... You've barely eaten anything, so you must be hungry, right?" Che said. "Maybe we could even get you some fish, huh?"

I didn't reply because I still couldn't get myself to do it. I wanted to open my mouth and just reply, but...

"Nathan! He's fucking talking to you!" Nat roared and turned in her seat when I didn't reply. "Enough with the silent treatment! Snap the fuck out of it!"

"Nathalia, we've been over this," Birdie said. "Sit back down in your seat."

"No! This is bullshit, Aidan, and you know it! He's been like this for over a week!" She grabbed my hand and shook my arm a bit. "Twin, snap out of it!"

I clenched my jaw and shook my head. Okay. Too communicate-y. My heart rate picked up. My senses went berserk, and I couldn't breathe.

"Nathalia, sit the fuck back down," Che growled and pulled my hand out of hers. I couldn't deal with this. He pulled me into his arms and urged me to breathe with him. Nat stared at me. Birdie pulled over and turned back towards me.

"Calm down, Nathan. Deep breaths. Breathe with me," he said calmly.

This reminded me of when I was on a plane for the first time. Birdie was with me, transporting me from the prison in Ireland to the one in Scotland. I had woken up with an anxiety attack, and he told me to breathe with him.

I couldn't do this. I tore out of Che's grasp and slipped out of the car. I was wheezing. Panting.

"Nathan."

I looked back up at Che. "I'm terrified," I said in between pants.

His eyes widened, and he went for me. He took me in his arms and pressed me to his chest.

"I know," he murmured softly. "I know you are, but it's okay. Because I am going to protect you. Always. Okay?" He raised one arm, putting his hand on the back of my head, slowly moving his thumb over my scalp. "Shane's gone, Nathan. He can never get to you again."

"No!" I growled and shook my head. I pushed off Che and shook my head again. My body was going into overdrive. I really couldn't breathe, and I should stop talking. I should go back to being no one... Fuck that. Fuck being no one. Fuck fuck fuck! "I'm afraid of dying!"

"So is everyone," Che said and shrugged.

"Not me. I've never been scared. Never. And now I am. Because... Fuck!" I growled and walked back into his embrace. I shook my head again and tried to calm down.

"You're afraid of dying because you have something to live for?" Che asked very quietly. I nodded. "And you haven't had that before?"

I shook my head.

"I can understand how that can be frightening." He pulled back a bit and looked down at me.

"But I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Ever. And you'll protect me too, right?"
I couldn't speak anymore, so I just nodded.

"See? We have nothing to be afraid of. It's okay, you're afraid though. I'll be strong for you for a while, okay? Just... Don't pull away from me. Stay with me."

I pressed my forehead to his chest. I could never leave him, didn't he understand that? If I could somehow physically attach myself to him, I probably would.

He kissed the top of my head. "I love you," he murmured against my scalp, his lips brushing over my skin. "Always."

And we were back on the road. And I was back to leaning against Che. He had his arm around me, and I was dozing off. I took a deep breath in one of my waken moments and inhaled his scent. My Che smelled fantastic. Like fresh air and smoke. I closed my eyes again and snaked my arm over his stomach, grabbing his shirt again. I don't know what was up with that, but it just made me feel safer if I kept a firm grip on him. Digging my fingers into his skin wouldn't be very comfortable for him, so his shirt would have to do.

We pulled into a car park in front of yet another motel. We got two rooms as always, and then Che and I were alone. I took his hand and pulled him back to the bed. He lied down, and I curled up in his arms. We did this every night. I needed it. He knew I needed it.

Every night I was just waiting for the purring to start, but it never did. The animal was scared shitless. It had never been scared, really. It had been aggressive and angry mostly. Towards Che, it was always happy. Very happy. Rolling around like a kitten. Purring like an engine. But now it was quiet. Che had noticed. He must have noticed. I had come to a point where just him looking at me for too long could set me off, and now there was nothing.

I was lying with my head under his chin, both of us lying on our sides. I scooted even closer so my face was more or less crunched against his chest. I hadn't said anything since my few words earlier today.

"I love you," I said with a very sheepish voice.

"I love you too," Che murmured so softly. He tightened his arms around me a bit.