Silence

It was insufferable, the same thick silence that had formed the day he'd left. It had stuck around and never left him since, the lack of companionship becoming almost unbearable in the small space of the apartment.

The silence was the only thing that was practically living in the stone cold place. The clock that used to chime happily marking every hour had long stopped, the appliances in the house had covered in dust from the lack of use. A pile of letters had formed under the door, the plants on the balcony were beginning to wilt from the lack of water and proper looking after. It was the middle of winter- the heating in the apartment block wasn't working yet the one person supposedly living there didn't know about it. Yes, in this insufferable little apartment, despite the silence seeming alive there was one other living thing in the apartment, but even so he was more or less becoming a ghost.

He wanted to disappear , it would be easier than this suffering.

Kim Mingyu lay lifeless on the once warm bed, the once warm with his presence. It was the same presence that kept him alive, that kept him warm inside. He stared hopelessly at the blank ceiling, which looked like a blank canvas that had no ideas or emotions expressed to it. It had been two weeks since Wonwoo left, when he found his boyfriend kissing another man. His own fault, his own undoing.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid"

Mingyu muttered to himself as he got up of the bed, all the vicious thoughts circling him. He was suppose to be a dangerous man, a drug Lord. A highly praised man in his little world he and his friends had created for himself. He surely couldn't just lie down all day, even though he'd more or less done that for almost two weeks. He'd be a laughing stock, yet he'd realised just how much he'd lost when Wonwoo had left. He'd only got the drug money and his apartment. That's all that was left. His friends did have lives, some, despite the drug dealer status', were also planning to settle down. He was being ridiculous yet sensible.

As he got up, another round of dizziness hit him like that punch round the face did, the purple bruises has just started to fade, the cut on his lip had disappeared. He deserved it though, he knew Wonwoo deserved better than him. Way better.

Mingyu sighed before unsteadily getting to his feet, his legs yet again feeling like they'd give way. He felt the glass bottles under his feet, the floor was sticky from the drops of alcohol that had been spilt and never cleaned up. The mix of that and leftover drug packets, money and his burner phone that had several missed calls. Customers. He'd missed the drop off for this week. Hopefully someone else had dealt with it.

It had been like this since he'd left, everything had gone downhill including Mingyu's care about looking after himself. He wouldn't go to the doctors because he knew they'd only tell him that he was in need of looking after himself, but Wonwoo was the one who usually made sure of that. He'd also been drinking and shoving drugs down his throat for the past two weeks, and it would be best if no one discovered that.

He'd done it again- back on the bottle and reaching for the last packet of cigarettes he'd scrounged off his friends last time they went out, two weeks ago. He didn't light one though- he'd already smoked the rest of the packet leaving three as it's contents. He stuck the packet in his pocket before finally standing up.

Stumbling into the front room, he saw for the first time as his sober self how everything had been frozen since Wonwoo left. Usually he'd be able to hear Wonwoo singing his heart out when he though Mingyu couldn't hear him, or be able to see his round glasses he always wore to look cute for Mingyu lying on the table. The photos of them both still lined the walls, the happiness tried to shine in through the dullness it had became. He'd totally disappeared from his life, like a painting being washed away from a canvas.

Cold tears started falling down his cheeks leaving trails from where they'd fallen. He was a mess, he'd tried to drink his way into forgetfulness but every time he walked out the room it was always the same, the memories and moments still there. After what he'd done, he was ashamed of himself to say he missed Wonwoo with all his heart. Wonwoo didn't deserve him, didn't deserve any of this.

"IDIOT!" He screamed kicking the wall next to him, screaming out again in pain. A dent left in the wall. He stood up against it and let himself give in, sliding to the floor and just sitting there staring. The usual shine in his eyes had disappeared, most the room was blurred due to his vision. His tanned skin had almost faded, he'd almost became like a ghost. But yet again he hadn't bothered leaving the house, instead he waited and hoped that one day the door would click open and the man he loved would be standing there. He couldn't miss Wonwoo's return, if he ever bothered too. He had no clue where the older had gone either, so there was no way he could track him down.

But why would he come back now?

He managed to get up and go over to the fridge, one of his few sources of staying alive. As it lay more or less bare inside due to him eating everything that was left and not bothering to buy more, he grabbed a bottle of cool water that stood alone inside. The booze was gone, water his new best friend for now.
Drinking all the liquid inside, the crackling noise of the bottle corrupted the silence. He hoped that the water would stop the hunger growing inside him, hoping the sick feeling would soon pass by. He hadn't been eating right either so getting back into a routine wouldn't be easy.

After dragging himself back to their bed he pulled out his phone. The lock screen picture hit him hard as he saw a happy photo of them both together. Happy, it was all a joke now. Who knew if he'd ever be happy again. Mingyu thought how Wonwoo deserved to be happy, how he should find someone else and move on. But the thought terrified him, he didn't want to see the man he loved leaving him. Wonwoo was his everything. Despite his dangerous side hustle, he'd burn the world for Wonwoo. He couldn't loose him. Not now, not ever.

But he already had.

Mingyu screamed out again, not in pain but in pure anger- the anger at himself. He hated himself. How could he do this to the man he loved? Mingyu stared back at the lock screen again, the happy photo of him kissing Wonwoo made the tears return like a storm. The anger brewed inside, unleashing it, throwing his phone at the long vertical mirror that was by the doorframe. It smashed into a thousand tiny pieces on impact, just like how his heart had been smashed when he realized the reality of his actions. But suddenly, lying in the broken glass the screen lit up. A message? A call? He scrambled over, his hands and knees slicing open on the broken glass, blood pouring onto the floor but he didn't care.

"Please be him, please be him" He pleaded over and over again, looking for the number and name he'd memorized. But he had hoped for a miracle, this number wasn't his miracle but in fact an old friend. Mingyu hadn't been answering any messages, yet alone checking his actual phone rather than the burner one, so he was surprised at the amount he'd got when he finally unlocked the phone and had a proper look.

[text message] Seungcheol;
Hey Mingyu, I haven't heard off you or Wonwoo in a while, give me a call when you lovers are free okay? :) PS. you missed the drop, I took care of it. You owe me!!

[text message] Bam;
Hey Gyu! Up for Saturday night? Me and the lads have booked the car so let us know ASAP! I got some good stuff for us ;)

[text message] Bam;
Hey Gyu, me again. Carried on without you last night, called over the other day but you weren't in. Give me a call soon okay! You're missing out!!

Seungcheol; 3 missed calls.

The long list went on. Mingyu wasn't particularly interested unless the name read Wonwoo.

And besides, Little did he know. Little did all of them know.

He slumped over onto the floor, his hand moving the glass away from his face but the remaining pierced into his skin. The pain almost distracted him as he cried to himself, all the hope of one call faded quicker than it had formed.

"I'm delusional" he muttered to himself, looking at his wrists to see how dangerously bad the glass had cut him. Mingyu gasped at the blood he hadn't noticed that had covered the floor, but he couldn't move. With all he'd neglected his body, it was now rejecting him, making sure he laid and bled to death. That or the amount of alcohol he'd drunk along with the drugs was finally getting to him. Who knows. Who cared.

"Wonwoo-"

"WONWOO!" His hoarse voice tried to scream out, but it also gave in on him. The blank canvas of the ceiling made him think more, the blood on the floor could have easily painted a picture by now. There was no hope in Mingyu's mind, he didn't expect Wonwoo to come running back with open arms for him, he'd finally accepted that. But there was always one thing that stayed true to his heart, and that was his honest truth.

"I love you Jeon Wonwoo."