TIME RUSHES BY. I wake up every morning and somehow get to campus, go to the flower shop and get back home, but at the end of the day, everything is a big blur. Nothing is really memorable anymore. I’ve become a caricature of myself, and I’m not quite sure how to color the black and white of my life again. I wonder if it’s going to be this way all the time now.

Campus is closing for winter break and Mae is leaving to visit her family, which means I’ll be without her until the new year. I’m not sure what Kade is doing, but I doubt it’ll make a difference. He doesn’t make me feel less alone anymore. I busy myself with trying to find a tutor, but I can’t seem to get the picture of the blonde girl from the ice cream shop out of my head. Mila Roth.

I make my mind up to ask him about it. Soon. There’s a party tonight, one last one before campus closes, and I wouldn’t bother to go if it weren’t for Mae insisting since it would be the last time we celebrate together before the new year.

Right now, I’m getting ready, but I’ve zoned out about a hundred times already and Scarlett is rushing me because it’s 10pm already. She seems different…nervous, somehow. And she’s never nervous. If I cared a little more I would ask, but I let it go.

“Indigo,” she yells from my door, “What the hell are you wearing?”

I glance down at my half-outfit. I put on loose harem pants after I showered and I was trying on a faded black sweater before I zoned out, so right now, I look like something a Bohemian threw up.

I hold back a chagrined smile. “I’ll put on jeans.”

Scarlett exhales. “I take it back, I don’t care what you wear. Just make it fast before all the good drinks are gone.”

Before she leaves, I notice her outfit. It’s a lilac and pink houndstooth two-piece, and she paired it with knee-high boots. The outfit makes my chest squeeze, and for a second I feel like my old self again.

I rip out the frumpy sweater I had on and pull on a prettier off-shoulder sweater. It’s a shade of cream. I slip on tiny gold hoops and even some mascara. I leave my hair loose down my back. Mae was playing around yesterday, and I let her straighten it. It’s not as straight now, wavier.

When I stare at my reflection in my mirror, it breathes some life back into me. Maybe this party won’t be so bad. Maybe it’ll make me feel something.

I haven’t felt anything in so long.

After I pull on my jeans and slip on a pair of black Docs, I follow Scarlett out the door, not missing the “finally” she huffs out, locking the door behind her.

She pauses to give me a once-over. “I like what you’re wearing now.”

“I thought you said you didn’t care what I wear.”

She shoots me a glare before muttering an acidic, “Let’s go.”

I can’t help but smile as I follow behind her. Surprisingly, I’m not sure how I would’ve passed the last few months by if it weren’t for Scarlett. In her own way, she pushes and prods for me to do things, and after some grumbling, I get them done. She’s become . . . a friend. Of sorts.

It’s freezing when we reach the party. It’s off-campus, hosted by the football team to celebrate the end of their season. It’s bound to be huge, and by the booming music and packed lawn, it’s clear that they went all out. A ream of girls, likely freshman, spill out of the building, some already drunk. Overhead, Drake’s Way 2 Sexy booms from the sound system.

The music thrums through my veins and settles in my ribcage as I follow Scarlett into the building. She’s smaller than me but the glare on her face parts the crowd, and I’ve never been happier to have her in front of me. Entering parties is an extreme sport.

Inside, it’s more packed and way louder. There’s smoke wafting from the corner, and I spot a few of the football team members in the middle of the room. I still haven’t spotted Mae, but somehow following Scarlett, I find myself smack bang in the middle of the room, surrounded by the football team.

My eyes widen as I try to catch Scarlett’s attention, but she’s having a conversation with someone from the team. He’s perched on the bar table as he stares down at her flirtatiously, and I think she’s . . . turning him down? I’m still trying to figure it out when someone taps me on my shoulder.

I turn, expecting it to be Mae, but I’m staring at a broad chest. Glancing up, I find the team captain smirking down at me. Kedar Williams. The definition of tall, dark, and handsome, he became the campus it-boy after he took the team to the finals two years in a row. Or something like that. I don’t really keep track. I blink a few times, and then I realize he’s been talking to me the whole time.

“Sorry?”

He grins. “You look lost,” he repeats, “You good?”

“Uh, are you talking to me?”

“Yes, I’m talking to you,” he says, “Jesus Christ, you’re stunning. How come I haven’t seen you around?”

My cheeks flood of their own volition, and the compliment is jarring, but not in an unpleasant way. Somehow, even though it’s the first time talking to him, his presence is light-hearted. Something like 6’5 with soft brown eyes, Williams oozes confidence with an easy-going kind of charm.

Suddenly, I become very aware that people are staring. Luckily, we’re packed in around the bar, so people beyond the circle can’t see much. Kedar notices and just shrugs it off. “You want something to drink—?” He pauses, as if waiting for me to fill in my name.

“Indigo,” I fill in for him, and then, because I feel a little daring, I add, “And you?”

Kedar pauses, and I swear he buffers for a second. Nailed it. He assumed I knew who he was—rightfully, of course, but watching him freeze is so funny I can’t help but crack a smile. He grins. “Aight you got me.” He bows a little, splaying a hand out on his chest dramatically. “Jabari Kedar Williams Junior.”

“I’ll have a Smirnoff Ice, Jabari Kedar Williams Junior.” I laugh, but I’m interrupted by the sound of someone calling my name.

“Indigo!”

Turning, I find Kade glancing my way.

“That your man?” Kedar asks, raising his brows.

I pause for a moment, then nod tightly.

He removes the crown cap of the bottle with his teeth. “That’s a shame.”

I shrug.

“If that shit doesn’t work out,” he says, handing me the bottle, “Come find me, aight?”

I hold back a confused smile because did the Kedar Williams just flirt with me? What the hell?

Kade pushes past the crowd and finally reaches me, sending glares to Kedar, who looks completely unbothered. For a second I think Kade is going to put up some sort of fight but he just presses his lips together and mutters, “Let’s get out of here.”

I frown. “Out of where?”

He ignores me, pulling me through the crowd and away from Kedar. I bring the bottle to my lips, chugging. It’s ice cold and a shock to my system, so much so that I barely notice the sting of the vodka as it slides down my throat. I’ll need something if I’m going to have to talk to Kade about the girl from the ice cream shop. I’ve been putting it off for too long now, and it’s been eating me alive.

Finally, we’re in a quieter corner of the room, when Kade pulls me in front of him. “What the hell are you doing talking to Williams?”

I make a face. “So I can’t talk to people now?”

He makes an exasperated sound. “That’s not—You know what I mean.”

I take another sip from the bottle in my hand. “He started talking to me for five minutes before you called me. Why are we leaving?”

“I know you wanted me to be here, but I’m really not feeling it.” He looks genuinely uncomfortable. Or peeved off. I can’t tell the difference. “Can we go to my place?”

Normally, I would’ve told him it was fine, and he could go back without me, but I really do need to ask him about the girl. So I nod. “I need to tell Mae.”

Kade nods. “I’ll wait here.”

Sighing, I turn, facing the gargantuan task of finding a five two Asian in this god awful crowd. I push past a few people, asking if they’ve seen her, but they’re too drunk to answer and if they’re sober they shake their head no. I’m about to give up when I ask someone, but I recognise his face.

It’s Eli—Jem’s roommate. Thinking about Jem makes my chest clench painfully, so I take another gulp from the now almost empty bottle in my hand.

Eli must recognise me too, because his relief floods his face. “Indigo, I’m looking for—”

I say, “I’m looking for Mae.”

“Mae,” he finishes.

We look at each other for a few seconds, like if two people were to say bingo! at the same time.

“You’re not with her?” he asks.

“No.” I frown. “Why are you looking for her?”

I could swear his cheeks flush, but maybe it’s just the heat and lighting. “I need to—” He pauses. “Never mind.”

“No,” I say, “It’s okay. Will you help me find her? I need to tell her that I’m leaving now.”

He nods tightly. “Yeah. Yeah, sure.”

We sift through the crowd together, and eventually, Eli gets some headway. A girl points him in the direction of a room that leads out to a patio. He glances back at me, and after finding that I’m still keeping track, he motions for me to follow after him.

We’re almost at the clearing to the patio when Eli draws to an abrupt stop. I pull up next to him and I realize.

Mae is kissing someone.

But it’s not just anyone. It’s someone in a pink and purple houndstooth two-piece.

Mae is kissing Scarlett.

The air leaves my lungs as I stare wide-eyed at the scene in front of me. Scarlett’s hands are on either side of Mae’s face, holding her with tenderness I never thought a single bone in Scarlett’s body possessed.

It can’t tell if they’re drunk, but the air seems to crackle with energy. The kind that I’ve never experienced first-hand. I hear Eli clear his throat at my side. “I should – uh – I should go.”

I glance his way, noticing the flash of pain in his eyes. I wonder why he wanted to talk to Mae but brush over it. It’s none of my business, anyway. I say, “I should too. I’ll just text her.”

Eli spares me a parting look as he slips into the crowd, and I saunter back to Kade. He’s still where I left him, and when his gaze lands on me, he heads toward the exit of the loft.

So much for the party.

*

Kade’s apartment is an architect’s wet dream. It’s a high rise in the heart of Manhattan, overlooking the city and all its sparkling glory. The inside is all sleek and polished with plush furniture and shiny appliances.

I hate it.

It’s almost too perfect.

I feel so out of place here, like a piece of dust that needs to be collected. He mutters something about taking a shower and I nod as he slips away.

It’s open plan, so I walk to his bed, sitting on it while he’s in his bathroom. His bed is always so strangely cold. Suddenly, I notice his phone on the coffee table.

I shouldn’t.

I should wait for him to get out of the bathroom, and ask him about it like a normal, sane, mature adult.

But nothing stops me from reaching for the phone. He thinks I don’t know it, but when you’ve been with someone for five years, you learn things against your will sometimes. Like the fact that Kade uses a variation of his own name and 1234 for all his passwords.

I get in within seconds.

I hear the sound of the shower stop running and my heart beats wildly in my ears. Swallowing, I click on messages.

It’s clear. Nothing. I exhale.

I’m about to put the phone down, when, at the last second, I click on photos. There isn’t anything particularly exciting in his recent pictures, so I switch to folder view. Scrolling right to the end, I find a folder named “m”.

Chest on fire, I click on it.

The screen floods with photos.

They’re nudes. The fire has spread to every inch of my body now, and my sight is blurring, but I scroll through the pictures to find something more concrete, and then—I wish I never did this.

Because smiling at me as she blocks her chest with an arm is Mila Roth.

The door to the bathroom clicks open and I stare up at Kade, unshed tears now rushing down my cheeks. His gaze slips down to his phone in my hands, and a wave of realization flushes his face.

“Indigo,” he says, walking over to me as he reaches a hand out, “I can explain—”

I drop the phone like it burns to hold it backing out of his reach until I hit the edge of his bed.

“We were broken up, Indigo,” he says, “you have to underst—”

Looking straight at him, I ask, “Why do you still have those pictures, Kade?”

He shuts his mouth and brings a hand to his face. “Fuck,” he mutters under his breath. “Fuck.”

“You lied to me,” I murmur.

“I had to break up with you,” he says, “She was the only Biochem tutor available, and I-I needed her. She didn’t want my money. She wanted to be with me and I couldn’t be with you publicly. On social media. It’s why I had to block you. I was going to let her go after I passed at the end of the semester and come back to you Indigo, I swear—”

I feel sick.

“But I saw you dance with him at that party, and I don’t fucking know. I couldn’t let you go. I can’t let you go. Are you listening to me Indigo? I can’t fucking let you—”

“I don’t deserve this.”

Something in the air switches as soon as I utter those words. Kade’s eyes go wide.

“What?”

“This,” I say, looking up at him. “I don’t deserve any of this.”

Kade’s demeanour flips in seconds, switching from defensive to attacking.

“You cheated on me, too.”

My head snaps up at him.

“With that Jem guy,” he spits, raw anger flashing in his green eyes, “Do you think I’m fucking stupid?” He lunges for me, gripping my arm. “Look at this shit on your hand, look at this stupid fucking ring!”

“STOP IT!” I cry, pulling out of his hold. “JUST STOP!”

Kade actually stops, shocked at my reaction.

“Don’t you dare,” I seethe, “Don’t you dare try to make me feel guilty. I’m sick and tired of your bullshit. I waited for you. I wanted to try with you. I turned down—” I pause, realizing. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I did cross a line by being friends with Jem. But I never, ever treated you as badly as you treated me.”

Kade’s eyes go bleary, like he might actually cry, but I don’t care. I’m so sick of him, I can feel it in my gut. “Indigo,” he pleads, “Please. Please.”

My jaw goes tight. I canʼt believe I wasted so much of my time with someone who never appreciated a second of it. He kept dragging me further down until I couldnʼt even recognize who I was anymore.

No more.

“We’re done,” I say, “For good. Don’t text me. Don’t try to contact me. Ever.”

I walk to his door, when I hear him say, quietly, “You’re going to come back to me, you know. You don’t have anyone else.”

An empty, sociopathic laugh spews from my throat.

And then I walk out of his apartment.

And his life—but I don’t think he realizes just how serious I am about it. He will.

As I walk out of his place, my bravado wears down. I start running, as if creating enough space between us will somehow soothe the desperate, burning ache in my chest. I make it out to the street, but I keep running and running, and tears stream down my cheeks, drying in the freezing air.

When I finally stop, I realize that I’m lost.

It’s cold and dark and late, and I’m so, so lost.

I’m out of air and breathing heavy, so I sit on the edge of the pavement, ice-cold hands shaking as I pull out my phone. The only person I could call is Mae, but I remember that she’s with Scarlett and she actually looked . . . happy. I don’t want to spoil that.

But other than her, I have no one else to call. The realization stings, and Kade’s parting words ring in my head. You don’t have anyone else. I scroll through my call history, finding the unknown number that called on my birthday. It’s a long shot, because I have no idea who it is.

I change my mind and click on my mom’s number instead.

She answers. “Hello. Indigo?” she murmurs groggily, like I just woke her up.

She can’t reach here in time. She’ll end up calling Mae to find me. I know this. I knew this when I called. But somehow, hearing her voice sends a fresh bout of tears to my face. You don’t have anyone else.

“Yes,” I say, holding back a sob, as I tug on the ends of my sweater. I suddenly regret wearing an off-shoulder, because the exposed bits of my skin feel numb to the bone. “I’m okay. S-sorry mom. Goodnight.”

“Indigo?” Her voice sounds from the other end. “What’s wrong?”

I steady my voice. “It’s cool, mom. I’m—uh, I’m alright. It’s late. I’ll call again tomorrow.”

“Okay,” she says, uneasily. “Night, baby.”

Deep voices echo around the corner, gasoline to the fear in my veins. My face is wet with tears, and my vision of my phone blurs as my finger hovers over the unknown number.

I hit Call.

It rings for a long while. Long enough for me to give up. I don’t. Finally, there’s sound at the other end.

“Indie?” 

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a/n:

loved you at your worst but that didnʼt matter

ig: yuenwrites
twitter: yuenwrites