~ Part 14 ~ | All You Ever Wanted

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** 300 Days (Erika Harlacher) **

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"We're all in this together
The people on our screens insist
Well how is anyone afloat
If we're all on a sinking ship
I tell myself it's nothing
I'm dramatic, I'm a liar
Still I wonder who might catch me
If I tumbled off my wire
But I pull myself together and
Layer on the paint
If I can cover up the cracks it means
I'm not about to break"

~ Erika Harlacher

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This chapter is dedicated to @Shoyo_Malfoy. Thank you for the support!

(comment or PM if you'd like a shoutout!)

*****

Warning: This stuff gets heavy. Mental health issues. Depression. A panic attack as well

Also, this chapter got super freaking long. What the heck happened? 😂

Also, also, some rough editing. I only used grammarly. I'm going to clean it up more later I'm just so tired it's past midnight 😴

*****

Pixal was a little weird. But that was okay! Nya was used to it when hanging around the boys. She definitely lacked some social skills and self-confidence but Nya had some to spare. Besides, minimal social skills were to be expected when a person's been isolated her whole life! All Pixal needed was some good friends to push her in the right direction.

Nya nodded to herself proudly as she rolled through ideas to help Pixal open up more. The thought of having a new friend made her run a little more giddily than usual as she led Pixal up the stairs to Lloyd and her shared room. The blonde had been nice enough to offer his bed to Pixal for their sleepover. Even going as far as to change the sheets and tidy up his mess for her.

Nya had prepared everything one must need for a sleepover. It had required a lot of extensive research including reading a lot of gossip magazines, cheesy tween novels, and cringe-worthy movies but they all offered the information she needed. Though Mean Girls didn't give her any sleepover tips Nya was pleasantly surprised by the pure malicious nature of the women in high school and honestly loved it. Therefore she decided that was the movie to watch. Wu had let Nya drag the old television up the stairs so they could watch it together in their room. She had spent all night figuring the perfect spot for her to place it, taking into account what was the best angle for it to be placed, how much lighting would come into the room, and where Pixal would most likely be positioned. Nya also strategically placed pillows and blankets around the room so they could sit on them in the most practical way while playing games while also having extra pillows available at hand if a pillow fight broke out.

Nya surveyed the room with a self-satisfied smile. Oh yeah, she was going to nail this sleepover thing.

Pixal stepped hesitantly into the room, taking in the colourful pillows, the various pictures Nya had posted on the wall, and the posters Lloyd had taped on this side. She seemed to enjoy getting closer to the various Polaroids and picture strips that Nya had of the group. Some of them were from little outings like shy dates with Jay to coffee shops or arcade outings with Lloyd that resulted in standing in a comic book store for three hours while he tried to choose what he wanted. Others were just silly little photos she took of the group. There was an image of Wu snoring in his patchy reclining chair, a snapshot of the boys playing their video games, as well as a picture of Zane baking in the kitchen, a sweet smile on his face.

Pixal notably lingered on that one and an odd expression formed as she took in this bright pink apron and the laughter in his eyes as Cole dipped his finger into the batter. Nya couldn't help but smile fondly, taking it off of her wall to admire it up close. That was a good day.

"We could take some pictures together," Nya suggested. "Then you could take some home and hang them on your wall."

"Oh," Pixal said in surprise, gently taking the photo from Nya and looking down at it. "I don't know... I don't have anything like this in my room."

"All the more reason to get some," Nya replied easily, rooting through the drawers until she found the little camera. It was a pretty maroon colour, little stickers of water droplets and robots stuck on by Jay and Lloyd in an attempt to "customize it for her." Nya wasn't sure how a samurai-style robot related to her but they were having so much fun she didn't have the heart to protest.

Nya wasn't completely sure what kind of pictures were popular at the moment but she knew that selfies were a common thing. She sidled up beside Pixal, making the girl look at her in surprise as she adjusted the camera so it faced them both.

"What kind of position would you like me to be in? Any particular expression?" Pixal asked with a confused expression.

"Do whatever you want!" Nya beamed widely into the lens, her hand going up into a peace sign. Pixal hesitantly did one of her own, inching her head beside Nya's.

"Say cheese!" Nya called, making sure she didn't blink.

"What does dairy have to do with this?"

With a click, the camera flashed and the picture was taken. Pixal blinked rapidly, rubbing her eyes as Nya stepped away and waited patiently for the picture to come out of the bottom.

"Now I have to wave it around so the image will show up." Nya began aggressively shaking the photo back and forth, making Pixal jump in surprise.

Very slowly, after a lot more whacking the little slip around, the picture began to form and the two girls crowded around it to see how the image came out. It was a little out of focus, a small glare from the window lowering the photo quality but despite how uncomfortable Pixal looked and the awkward smiles on both of their faces Nya was satisfied with how it turned out. It was cute and weird. Just like them.

Nya began to notice how silent Pixal was. Even more quiet than usual. She glanced over at the other girl. Pixal's eyes were glued to the image.

"Do you like it?" Nya asked cautiously.

Pixal pressed her lips together but to Nya's relief a tiny smile peeks through. She nodded. Nya couldn't help but grin and gently placed the image into Pixal's hands.

"There," she said. "Your first Polaroid."

****

"What are you making?" Lloyd asked curiously. He felt a little silly wandering in there while Zane stood at the stove, a bit like a toddler tugging on their parent's shirt. He had gotten bored listening to Jay and Kai argue over video games. Usually, Cole was the unsuccessful mediator but he hadn't returned from wrangling the students in the attic. So, he did what any bored person would do and decided to go see what Zane was getting up to in the kitchen. He had promised snacks and as far as Lloyd's lazy teenage brain was concerned that consisted of a five-second run to grab the old Cheerios at the front of the cupboard not actually cooking something.

"I decided to quickly bake some cookies," Zane smiled at the blonde. "I had some leftover dough in the fridge." Lloyd inhaled with a longing sigh, his mouth watered at the sweet, beautiful scent of freshly baked cookies.

"I won't complain," Lloyd said and licked his lips. Zane gave him a look until the stray hand retreated.

The taller young man carefully put some of the cookies on a plate, stacking them so neatly it made Lloyd wonder if he had been the kind of child that followed the instructions for the building block sets.

"I was hoping to bring some to Nya and Pixal as well. I promised them a snack." Zane explained when Lloyd glanced quizzically at the second dish he was pulling out.

"Right," Lloyd's lips pulled into a grin. "Pixal."

Icy blue eyes narrowed a little. "And Nya." He said pointedly.

"Of course, can't forget about Nya." Lloyd raised his hands in surrender. "But also Pixal."

"I do not like the way you are saying her name," Zane grumbled. Lloyd smirked a little. He felt a little proud of himself for getting under the stone-faced boy.

The door swung open with a soft squeak, causing both Zane and Lloyd to look over. Misako jumped a little at the two, her eyes darted to Lloyd, pulled away, then glanced back at Lloyd again. "I'm sorry," She said a little awkwardly. "I thought- uh- I assumed you'd be in your rooms."

"We are making some cookies," Zane told her pleasantly, walking toward her and holding out the dish. "Would you like one?"

She gave him a slight smile. "Thank you, Zane."

Lloyd pressed his lips together and shifted uncomfortably. He watched, feeling a little numb as Misako took the cookie from his friend politely and complimented him on the taste. The scene felt weird. Almost as if Zane and Misako had been given new roles in his life. Zane was the doting parent handing out treats to anyone who can rover and Misako was the awkward science partner he was forced to work with.  After a little more small talk Zane finally went to leave. Before Lloyd could follow him his companion fixed him with his calm gaze and the younger teen froze.

It's time. Zane's uncomfortable eyes seemed to be telling him. Somehow holding both too much too little emotion inside of them.

Lloyd heaved a breath and reluctantly stayed, despite his nerves screaming at him to run. He watched his friend go and cursed himself for not tolerating Kai and Jay's bickering.

"Lloyd?" Misako said tentatively.

The boy let out a tired sigh and turned toward her. His fingers automatically went to fidget with the loose ends of his bracelet, the string still holding strong despite being a tad more worn and dirty than when Nya first gave it to him.

"I think we should talk," Lloyd said with a grimace.

Misako nodded slowly. "I agree."

Lloyd swayed hesitantly. "Uh... would you like to sit down?"

She nodded again and walked just as tentatively towards the seats at the bar. Lloyd pulled one out for himself and sat down slowly, his back ramrod straight with tension. They both shifted and settled for a few more seconds, the quiet unsettling and their lips pressed together as if they both had words on the tips of their tongue but they wanted to keep them from falling out. There were so many questions Lloyd wanted to ask. But at the same time, he was afraid of the answers.

If this woman really was the villain he had painted her to be then he'd once again fallen into the strangling trap hope had left for him. But if she did have some good in her heart, the same good Wu seemed to see in her, then where did that leave him? How would he be able to parse out the hurt from the reason? How would he be able to move on from there?

The blonde closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands. The tips of his fingers pressed into his eyelids. The pressure- the spike of pain and flash of light in his eyes grounded him. It pulled him from his thoughts and gave him enough of a moment to speak.

"Why did you leave me?" The words were blunt but the tone was much smaller than he had meant it to be.

Don't let them see you vulnerable. The rule of his childhood echoed in his ears. Brief images of cruel little smiles and mocking laughter made him look away from her.

He took another breath. "Why," his voice was biting this time. "Why would you leave a child at some messed up boarding school? Why would you promise to return only to show your face years level because of some inspirational speech you probably found on FaceBook!" Misako, to give her some credit, didn't flinch. She didn't wince, she didn't grimace, she didn't shy away from the truths. She stared back at him, face contemplative, and her eyes... her eyes were just sad.

"Darkley's wasn't originally a school for 'Bad Boys.'" Misako said at last. She was picking her words carefully. The woman kept her eyes on Lloyd, despite the clear lack of eye contact he was giving her. "It was just a regular boarding school. It was the reputation of some of the students that gave it a new label." Lloyd was silent. He clenched his hands on the fabric of his sleeves, an odd mix of emotions running through him as he let Misako speak.

"I had a friend there," She sounded a little fond but the tone was still laced with misery. "He liked to bring the students to the museum I worked at. His name was Johnathan Frost. He'd promised to look after you while you were there. But he died before you went there. I didn't even know! I didn't even check-in. I just assumed..." Misako shook her head. "I was so sure he would be able to take care of you. I trusted him too, more than I would've anyone else."

"More than you would have... Dad?" The word was weird coming out of his mouth. Lloyd almost snorted. Who had a dad these days? Or rather, who had a dad they actually like and didn't have some sort of underlying issue with?

Misako looked pained at the mention of his father. "Garmadon... he struggled a lot for a while. Especially after your grandfather died. Something changed in him when that happened. I think we both changed a little." She blinked quickly for a moment.
Lloyd looked down at his hands, they trembled a little on his lap.

"We were never, and have never been good parents to you, Lloyd." Her voice was so sincere, it was shaky but it held so much conviction that he had to look up.

Green met green.

"I am so sorry for everything," Misako continued. "I should've done so much more- I should've been there. I was never brave... not like you. But I at least should've tried. I know my apologies don't mean anything. I know that nothing I can say will ever change the past." She took a breath again. It shuddered in her chest but she kept going. "I want to work for a better future. I want to be in your life like I should've been. I've missed so many milestones. I want to be there for the next ones to come."

Lloyd squeezed his eyes shut. It was so overwhelming. He had dreamed of this moment since he was a scared little kid, huddled at the bottom of his bunk bed, listening to the taunting whispers of his classmates. But now that it was here all that he wanted was for everything to stop. Just to freeze. Just so he could breathe.

Misako seemed to sense his panic. She immediately stopped talking and moved closer to him. She went to put her hand on his shoulder but stopped herself before she could. Lloyd's breathing was becoming ragged, hot tears pinching at the corners of his eyes as he tried to think, tried to grapple on at least something!

"Lloyd," Misako said calmly. Her voice was stronger than it had been for the whole conversation. "Count to ten, honey. Out loud. Nice and slow."

Count? What was she talking about?

"I can't- I don't-" Lloyd whimpered out, his hand coming to his chest as he pressed against it, trying to feel something, trying to get the tightness to just stop.

"I know, it's okay. It's scary." She soothed him. "Start small. What's the first number?"

Number... number... she was asking about numbers. Lloyd's mind was a blur. It felt like it was going at a mile per minute. First number. It was so simple. Why was this so hard? Lloyd dug his nails into his palm, trying to get everything under control.

Number, Lloyd. Focus. You know this. He said to himself. He thought about the three little pigs. The first little comic book Mother Doomsday had given him. It had been childish and stupid but he had loved it. First comic book. First. One.

"One." Lloyd finally croaked out.

"That's good!" Misako bent so she was in his line of sight, a smile forced onto her face. "That's really good. Can you tell me the next one?"

Three little pigs.

"T-two." Come on. You just said it. "Three."

"You're doing really well, sweetie. Suck in that air, then let it out slowly. Let those lungs take it in."

What's after three? One. Two. Three. It's right there. Lloyd choked on his breath again, eyes flying around frantically. "It's- I can't- four!"

"You need to let the air out, Lloyd, like blowing into a balloon." There's that voice. Lloyd closed his eyes and slowly let the air out. Blowing into a balloon.

The next number was easy. It came right away.

"Five." Cole's lucky number. It is the number of layers on his favourite cake at the Ninjago City Bakery. Only Cole had been able to finish it. Lloyd latched onto that memory. He tried to taste the rich chocolate on his tongue, the laughter from Nya, the complaints from Kai, and the happiness in Cole's eyes every time he had a bite.

"Six," Lloyd inhaled slowly. Then he exhaled. He let his eyes open, his eyes focusing on Misako's. They were reassuring. Bright green. Like emeralds. Like the beautiful gardens of the school.

"Seven." He thought of the meditation exercises they did in that garden. It was one of his favourite lessons even though he knew Jay's restless energy and Kai's short temper despised it.

"Eight." Martial arts with Nya. The stubborn crease between her brows and the scowl on her face every time she lost. The triumphant yell whenever she won.

"Nine." Tea with Wu. It was always too bitter for him. Lloyd would dump in nine large sugar cubes. His uncle would always watch with disdain and Zane would comment on how it would affect his health. Lloyd didn't care.

"Ten." Lying in his bed. Feeling safe. Feeling found. Being able to wake up to grumpy, tired faces, but just seeing them would make him happy because they were his grumpy tired family.

Breathe.

Lloyd inhaled. Then he exhaled. Then he inhaled again. It's okay. He told himself. You're okay. You belong. That's what Jay had said on that usually chaotic afternoon. When they were nerding out about comics and making lunch. And he did. Whether Misako was good or bad, whether her apologies were empty or whole, he had a family. And nothing could change that.

There was a soft touch on his hands. Lloyd blinked and focused on Misako's concerned face. Her hands reached up, not slowly, or too fast, but comfortably. As if she was doing it instinctively. The back of her soft hands brushed against his cheek, gently pulling the sweaty strands of hair from his face. Lloyd blinked, shocked, and she jerked back, tucking her hands uncomfortably back onto her lap.

"How's your breathing?" Misako asked with a forced attempt at pretending that didn't happen.

"Better." Lloyd took another breath experimentally. The ache in his chest was fading. He swallowed. "Uh- thank you. I'm- I'm sorry about that."

"Don't be sorry," Misako said seriously. Lloyd looked at her in surprise. "It's a lot... this all is a lot. I should've tried to space things out a little more. Spoken more calmly- I should've dealt with this better. Dealt with it normally-"

"This isn't normal." Lloyd cut in.

A wry chuckle escaped his mouth. Misako just stared at him. "This whole thing? You wouldn't have been able to prepare to space things out or whatever. There's too much emotion- too much stuff to deal with. We... this isn't normal." Lloyd repeated. "So we can't pretend we can deal with it 'normally'"

Misako nodded, expression softening into something less anxious. Her hands clasped onto the green scarf around her neck, rubbing at the ends just as Lloyd did with his bracelet.

"I... I just want to know," Lloyd took a moment for another breath before he looked her in the eye. "I just want to know why you left. I don't need to know about your sudden change of heart, or your dead coworker, or your plans for the future. I just want to know why. You owe me that much."

"I do." Misako agreed. She took a breath of her own. "But I owe you a lot more than just a reason why."

Lloyd waited patiently. He let her gather her thoughts as he prepared for whatever she was going to say. His heart thrummed in his chest but he just brought up more memories. Pulling in video games, and friendship bracelets into the forefront of his mind so he wouldn't go spiralling again.

"When you were born I thought I was supposed to be happy," Misako said softly. "And I was. I was so, so happy. You were- you are my world. The best thing in my life. My little beacon. But there was also an overwhelming sadness. It dragged me down the depths of the darkness. Sometimes so far down that, even a beacon couldn't always bring me back. I felt horrible for it. I thought- I thought something was wrong with me." Her voice cracked a little at the confession.

Lloyd listened. He let the words wash over him and tried to picture Misako, tried to picture her rocking a baby, sadness in her chest but happiness on her face.

"I pushed it away though. I never told Garmadon. I took care of you and I held onto those happy moments. When you would give me a little gummy smile or hold on tight to my finger, never letting go." The corners of her eyes wrinkled a little, true joy in her eyes as she smiled a little bit.

It went away just as fast.

"But it came back. Bigger this time. Like a wave washing over my head. Garmadon was starting to get back into politics, into social issues, but he was on a new path now. And it was scary. I didn't like the people he was with, I didn't like how they were changing him, I didn't like how helpless I felt, how out of tune everything was." Misako shook her head. "I became more unaware. It was harder and harder to pretend. There were these... dark thoughts in my mind. It was like there was a devil on my shoulder pointing out my every wrong move, biting away at any confidence I had. You were getting older. I was so scared of when you'd finally notice. When you'd finally see what a failure I was."

"Mo-Misako," Lloyd whispered.

She pressed on. "It was all becoming too much. Garmadon felt so far away now. We were fighting every single night. He kept on having these... horrible opinions that he never had before. He was being manipulated and I was doing nothing!"

There is a beat.

"I think you could tell something was wrong," Misako confessed. "You were so much quieter. Your friends would invite you over but I wouldn't even notice and you'd say no just so you could stay with me. So you could smile and hold my hand so I would have this illusion that I was fine- that everything was fine."

Lloyd couldn't remember. Any memories he had of her had been snippets of happiness. Picnics at the park, hands running through his hair in the bath, sweets when he was especially well behaved. Lloyd wondered how much pretending Misako had to do to keep the memories Lloyd had of her seemingly happy.

"Finally I snapped," Misako said it so emotionlessly, eyes staring off into space. "It was a huge argument that did it. I barely even remember it. I think I finally confronted Garmadon on his friends, on his social standing, on his whole new attitude. I couldn't do it respectfully so of course he lashed back out... and then he left. And I broke. There was this darkness inside of me that would've let up. I couldn't get out of it. I had no idea how. And you were hiding in your room, cuddling that little dinosaur, not sure what had happened."

The woman heaved another deep breath, forcing herself to keep on talking. "I felt like I had pushed your father away from you. That all you were left with was some broken pieces of the subpar mother you deserved. So I panicked. I drove you to that horrible school and I left you there. I didn't mean to leave you there. I was going to come back. I told myself that I would pull myself together and then I would take you out of the school and we would figure things out. But I just kept on driving. I kept on running. It took me two years before someone finally told me that I needed help. Then a couple of years more for me to finally get it."

Misako pressed her knuckle to her mouth, her eyes staring off somewhere into space. "It was like walking through the mist. Except instead of treading on a path I was living through glazed glass, stumbling into the unknown." She shook her head, blinking away the faraway look in her eye and facing Lloyd. "I ran. I fled. I didn't get the help I needed. That's on me. All of this is on me. And I'm so sorry that my mistakes have affected your life so much. That I couldn't be-" she wiped frantically at her face. Drops trickled off her chin. "That I couldn't be the perfect mother you deserved."

Lloyd stared at her, tears falling silently from his eyes. "I didn't want a perfect mother," he whispered. "I just wanted you."

Misako sobbed, her hands cupping her mouth. "I'm sorry." She cried. "I'm sorry."

"I know." Lloyd blinked frantically, trying to will the emotion away. "I'm sorry that you had to go through all that alone."

"It doesn't matter- I still should've been there." She used the corner of her scarf to try and dry her face. Her eyes locked on Lloyd's. Both were sad, both were hurt. But there was a certain understanding between them. Something welled inside of Lloyd. It spread throughout him and created a deep longing inside of him that wasn't there before. It was something he hadn't felt in a long time.

"Can I..." Lloyd tripped over his words, body trembling as he choked them out. "Can I hug you?"

"Oh, Lloyd, of course." Misako was immediately up, bundling him in close and tucking his body into her just as he remembered. A barely there memory of feeling warm and happy and safe in her arms.

It was all a mess.

They were nowhere near fixed.

And Lloyd was nowhere near ready for motherly hugs.

But he couldn't bring himself to care.

Because right here, right now, he had a mom.

And that was all he had ever wanted.

NOTE******
Well.

I totally made this chapter longer than usual by x2 to make up for how late this update was not because I just went off the rails and kept on writing- 😂😂

I was going to add a little sprinkle of something more to lead into something happening in the next chapter but this ending was so dang satisfying!

Special thanks to Dee for helping me with some decisions I made for the book and thank you Kilo for encouraging me to sleep after 😂

I hope you all have a nice day! (Or night because I stayed up late to get this out lol)

LuckyBugBooks🐞