QUINN

I feel like a slippery dolphin, but I probably look closer to a naked mole rat. Every single patch of hair on my body has been shaved off. Well, except my hair and eyebrows. I have to look somewhat presentable for graduation.

But I swear, ever since Hunter showed up at my school, those pesky hairs were standing straight up. The only logical thing to do was rid myself of them once and for all. But now I just feel kind of cold, like I kicked off my favorite blanket in the middle of a cold winter night.

No matter how long I stare at my reflection, I don't feel ready. I'm going to trip on the stage. They'll say my last name wrong. It'll be high school all over again. Except there was a lot of throw up that day. The poor principal. If he could have still suspended me, I'm sure he would have.

Mama said she'll meet me in front of the auditorium after the ceremony is over and, even though I'm still upset with her about hoarding information, I'm just happy to have someone there for me. I've worked hard to survive until this day, so being alone was kind of bumming me out.

I tried to straighten my hair to look extra pretty for the pictures that she'll take of me in my gown, but I think I burnt some of it. It smells weird and has crinkles from the straightener in it. My mane got burned and it definitely fought back.

Other than my lack of body hair and messed up head hair, I am so ready to tackle this day. For the first time since Cash walked out my door, everything doesn't seem as dull as my apartment walls. There's a teeny sliver of hope, and I'm strangling it to near death. Hey, hope has multiple lives. It's not like I can actually kill it.

I feel like the cream-colored dress that's hugging my body doesn't look right with my skin tone. If it weren't for the silvery sequins, the whole thing would blend in with my being, making me look like a green-screen actor.

But mama graduated high school in this dress, and she really wants to see me in it today since I was a little on the heavier side – in her words – and couldn't fit back when I graduated. Even today, I still had to squeeze myself into it, like trying to get the last bit of minty freshness out of a tube of toothpaste. My hips and this dress are mortal enemies.

I do a few ninja moves in the mirror so I can enjoy how stealthy I look, like a blob of nothingness. It would really scare some people if they saw me coming at them. While I'm being a total killer, I hear a strange sound.

I thought I surprise farted at first, but no. It was definitely the fabric ripping. After examining the damage, I determine it's not too bad. My gown will cover most of it. And maybe mama will believe that it was already like that when she gave it to me.

Checking my phone, I realize I should head out. I throw my heels on really quick and dart through the door, making sure I have a few spare minutes to complete my locking and unlocking ritual a couple extra times, just in case he who shall not be named tries to get in.

I take each stair down to the shop very carefully, trying my best not to fall and butt slide my way down. As soon as I get to the bottom, I hear Tanya gasp.

"Honey, ya look like that dildo on the wall there." Her smooth as butter southern accent suits the salty comment.

The dildo she's referencing is white and fleshy and I can't even deny her accusation. The color looks drained from my skin in this outfit. I huff out a breath and prepare to go to my graduation looking like a penis.

"You're a dildo." I mumble back to her, causing her to grin.

"Quinn, honey, people would be lucky to have a dildo that looks this good." She stretches out a wrinkled leg and trails her fingers up her pantyhose.

"Ain't that the truth." I counter, admiring her confidence.

"Why'd ya squeeze all your goods in that thing, anyway?"

Rolling my eyes, I ignore her question. The more I talk about it, the more self-conscious I know I'll feel.

"It's a big day for me, Tanya. I just want to focus on experiencing it, not what I look like."

"Fine, fine." She flips both hands at me, as if brushing me off. "I'm just so proud of ya, Quinn. I don't know how you survived this long, but I'm glad ya did."

Before my eyes start to water and ruin my makeup, I shoot her a smile and take off through the door. Slowly, of course. Like a baby deer learning to walk. I can feel her eyes on me as she watches me wobble away.

***************

I'm a tiny ant in a sea of people. As I sit in a crowd of students I don't recognize, waiting for the excited chatter to simmer down, I'm trying to peek over everyone's heads into the stands. There's too many unfamiliar faces and it's hard to pinpoint mama. I don't even know where to look.

I thought I was fully prepared for this but life – or rather, this ceremony – has thrown a wrench in my plans. With every person that walks up after their name is called, the speaker addresses the audience.

"Everyone here to honor Angie Friedman, please stand."

A whole mass of people stands for the girl from my class, cheering. I stand too, because I love that girl. Yeah, I know I barely know her, but she shared her tissues with me. But with every person that walks the stage, I realize how awkward it's going to be just having one person rise to their feet when I go up there.

After a slew of names is announced, I know I'm next.

"Quinn Rousseau."

Oh! They pronounced my name right!

As soon as I stand, my ankle rolls and I hear the heel snap. Some random guy who was sitting next to me steadies me as I nearly topple on top of him. He picks up the shard of shoe and holds it up to me.

"Uh, do you want this?"

"Yeah, you can just go ahead and stab me with it. Put me out of my misery."

His laughter is drowned out by the speaker repeating my name, waiting for me to make my appearance.

Instead of hobbling around, I remove both shoes and kick them under a chair. I've never needed shoes before; I sure don't need them now.

My bare feet slap against the carpeted aisle as I make my way to the stage.

"Everyone here to honor Quinn Rousseau, please stand."

I peer out over the crowd, trying to squint through the blinding lights.

Crickets. Nobody. Not a single soul stands for me.

Well, this is even more awkward than I originally thought it might be.

I think all the professors on stage expect me to keep walking, end the moment, but my heart is in my throat and time is moving slow. I don't think I can move.

"Yeah, Quinn!" Someone shouts.

My head snaps to the crowd, and I see Ethan rising, clapping loudly. Not long after, Angie and the guy who helped with my shoe stand too.

Salty water bitches start taking leisurely strolls down my face because I know they're just doing it out of pity.

"YOU SEXY BEAST!" A very familiar voice sounds through.

Wyatt.

I see his shadow, flanked by countless others in the way back. They're just dark figures, but I'd recognize his voice anywhere. Mama must be standing back there with whoever else is with him, so she could admire me from further away, take in the whole picture.

I manage to shuffle across the stage, but part of me still wishes I could have seen mama's face light up. Cash, too. My heart feels like it shatters all over again when I think of him. I ruined it.

**************

After the ceremony ends, I rush to the spot mama said she would meet me.

Ten minutes pass by. Twenty. Thirty.

At the thirty-minute mark, it dawns on me that she's not here. She's not coming. She wasn't standing with Wyatt. Yet, my eyes still frantically search for any sign of her while mascara trails down my face.

I see families hugging and crying. I'm crying too, but not out of pride. Bouquets are being handed off, mamas and daddies are excitedly waiting for their kids, brandishing gifts. And I'm alone.

I spend my time trying to focus on one bouquet in particular. I've never seen flowers so orange and weirdly shaped. Someone must have gone out of their way to find those, and mama couldn't even make a twenty-minute trip out to watch one of the biggest days of my life.

"Hey, Quinn."

I glance up and completely fall apart.

Cash towers over me, holding the orange bouquet in question out to me.

"I uh, got this for you." He says sheepishly, staring at his feet. "I was hoping it would help you on your mission, or something."

It's not flowers at all. It's a bunch of stuffed cheetahs, wrapped in plastic like a bundle of roses. Tucked between each stuffed animal is a small cylindrical pack of Oreos. The most beautiful non-floral arrangement I've ever seen.

I crack wide open, flinging my arms around his waist, sobbing into his chest.

"Cash, thank you!"

He hesitates, his body becoming rigid. He doesn't hug me back.

"Where's Mabel?" He asks instead, which only makes me cry even harder.

"She didn't show up, Cash. She... she promised she'd be here and she just..." I can't finish my sentence.

Now, his arms wrap around me and his lips drop to the top of my head, just resting there.

"I'm sorry, Quinn. I know how much this meant to you. I want you to know that we're all proud of you."

Pulling away, I meet his eyes. "All?"

His body shifts, revealing the figures that I assume were standing in unison in the back of the auditorium. Wyatt, Logan, Gio, Warren, Heather, and mama Mel. Julia, too, but I think she was too short for me to see earlier.

There's a dropping sensation in my gut, like all of my insides are traveling south. I can't feel my feet as they all glance over and wave like I'm the greatest thing to ever walk the planet.

"Quinn –"

"Cash, no. I need to tell you so much and I really hope you'll listen because I know I really fudged things up and I'm soooo sorry, but if you'll just let me explain why –"

"I can't yet, Quinn."

World. Shattered.

My head drops, staring down at my shoeless feet as he continues.

"Mum told me what happened. But...I just can't go there with you yet. There's too much that needs to be fixed before we can even think about being together."

Fix me. That's what he really means. There's too much to fix with me.

"Don't worry, we're almost there. And I really am proud of you. You did good."

I don't know what he means by 'we're almost there'. I'm almost fixed? If he'd just tell me what else he needs me to change, I can do it. I swear, I can.

His hand cups my cheek but, as soon as I lean into it, he lets it drop and starts walking away. The others rush me and shower me in love, but all I can do is watch him disappear into nothingness, taking every single bit of my soul with him.

I feel so damn empty.