- AUTUMN -

Bible studies really were something else. Some days they could be the most supportive thing, the exact thing I needed to comfort me and teach me something new. It could open up a discussion that could open my eyes to something I never realised was true but when I did it was the truest thing I ever heard.

Those days seemed to have gone further and further away from grasp as time went on. I couldn't feel more lost than where I was at the moment with religion. Everything seemed so clear, printed on paper, the truth and the word of God they called it, and yet here I was staring at the pages unable to read a single blurry word.

I ain't blind or anything, well maybe, but what I'm trying to say is that these days when I read the bible, there's a question mark at the edge of each sentence. That's when everything starts to look blurry.

Then why do I even still go to these Bible studies you're asking? Well, I gotta get them answers one day. I just don't know if this is the right place to find them. It's also to convince everyone I'm still a 'happy' Christian. God knows what would happen if my Aunt ever found out I wasn't.

"Lucas, you eat like a fat pig." says Jennie, her eyebrows lifted high and the top of her lip slightly curled to display her expression of disgust and judgement.

The so called 'fat pig' barely reacts, his shits flying away from him as he replies. "More like a king." Segments of salivated food flies from his mouth with no sense of direction, managing to hit just about everyone in the circle.

Tzuyu cringes, flinching as she eyes a certain piece that landed right next to her feet. "More like the King of pigs."

A hearty laugh bursts from Johnny in the corner as he joins in, his overconfidence making him laugh at his own joke before he even says. A normal habit of his that everyone had grown to accept. "Or just the King of fat."

The corners of my mouth lift a little, a small smile edging as I happen to be the only one amused by his joke. As normal, he doesn't care, laughing away as he flicks his floppy black hair out of his face.

Lucas grins his big grin, chunks of his chewed donut stuck in his teeth as he does so. "At least I'm still a king."

Jennie's eyes roll so hard that I'm afraid they're going to disappear into the back of her head for a second.

To be honest, I couldn't blame him. He's on his last raspberry jam donut from the Sainsbury's five pack in his left palm and I watch him shove it all in one go as the jam squirts from his lips and drips onto the Church carpet.

God, those donuts are so good. Great price too. 75p for five luscious donuts? Get out of here.

Unconsciously, my tongue wipes my dry lips but the inside of my mouth becomes more salvated than before. At the same my stomach decides to rumble so loud that sound echoes off the Church walls, the noise never wanting to be a moderate stomach growl but instead sounds like my intestines are having a war inside.

My eyes grow anxiously wide and I glance from each pair of eyes in the room until my stomach finally stops rumbling.

Everyone looks at me and although it's only second, I still wait on the ground to swallow me up so that I don't have to face these people. But after that second, all of them burst into laughter and that thundering noise decides to echo off the walls, making it sound louder than it should in a quiet place of the Lord.

These people would never be quiet though no matter where they were though. I'm sure the Lord knows that by now.

A smile edges on my face, an easy one. One that's not forced at all and I don't realise how long I'm smiling for until my mouth closes again. I don't think too much of it but I do and suddenly I'm deeply appreciating that small moment of happiness because they're rare. It's sad to say it, that a real genuine smile or laugh isn't a normal thing in my life. But that's where I am.

And it never lasts. There's a reason it's so rare.

There have been meme's about it and all but social battery really does exist. Mine just happens to be on a low percentage all the bloody time.

So after a few more moments of rare happiness, I suddenly just don't want to be here anymore.

It's like slowly laughing and smiling with everyone else becomes really hard, being in the conversation alone is impossible. I feel so out of place, fidgeting with the rings on my fingers and rubbing my knees together. I become the most awkward person I know. And I feel like they notice this too.

Even though no one's eyes are on me, I feel like everyone is watching me, judging every single move I make, every breath I take. They probably don't even want me here, they probably find my existence annoying.

See what happens when you have your rare moments of happiness? Suddenly, you care about what people think about you again and it's never in a good way.

Fuck you, I direct the thought straight to myself.

•

When the Bible Study leader finally arrives, he chats with all of us for a while, cracking jokes and being that friendly Christian gal. His name is very typical for a bible study leader. Dave.

Sometimes I wonder if Dave is actually this happy and then I realise he can't be. None of us are truly happy. The amount of smiles and happiness you show to other people never determine the truth.

The hour seems longer than others. It's a rotation of serious Bible reading, discussing, cracking a joke about the Bible then serious talk again. Whenever it's my turn to read a few verses, I sound just as dead as I feel.

Time seems to drag on like an injured slug dragging its broken body across a broken sidewalk. There's a knock on the door and everyone looks up except from me, still staring at the tiny ant running across the carpet more entertaining than anything else like you had been since you sat down.

Dave speaks, "Ah, Rosé. You made it."

Rosé?

My head shoots up so fast, I give myself a mini head rush. It doesn't help as my vision is patched with black shapes and I can barely see until it finally clears. There she is, looking as perfect as ever.

"Hey, Dave. Of course I did." A grin spreads her perfect face, making her nose looking smaller and cuter.

There's no need to question why she's here. She's the most angelic thing I've ever laid my eyes upon. So, of course she'd walk into a church in a light blue sweatshirt and denim shorts that are barely seen by her large sweatshirt covering it.

Screw all the other angels, she's the only one that exists.

I notice she's wearing less makeup, her eyes no longer lined with black. You'd think her eyes would be less beautiful but they only appear more fresh, real, pure.

I don't realize how long I'm staring for until she meets my eyes and she gives me a closed lip smile of acknowledgement. Too embarrassed, I don't return it, drooping my head low and sinking lower into my chair.

She decides to sit next to Lucas, who gives her a smile that's a little too big. For some reason, it makes my body tense a bit and I can feel my eyebrows knotting as I frown at him.

•

"Alright, head to the hall for a game." Dave announces as he closes his Bible, setting it on the desk next to him.

Everyone shoots out the room, Johnny and Jennie racing each other and all I can hear are squeals and laughter. The sounds piss me off. Fuck happy people.

While everyone has left, I turn to walk the other way, towards the exit. But a voice stops me.

"You're leaving already?"

Rigidly, I turn around to face her. Her eyes are bigger, filled with questions as she stares at me without blinking.

How are her eyes so fucking big?

Stopping myself before I get lost in them, I respond, "I usually don't stay for the games."

"Oh, how come?"

Because then usually they split you into teams and then that means teamwork and everyone knows I'm not good at teamwork-

"It's just not my thing." I say with a shrug.

I expect an odd weird look from her but instead she tilts her head at me and gives that heart exploding smile she always does, "Then what is your thing?"

You

I cringe so much at myself that my face forms a grimace without me noticing. But it's fine, it's my usual expression anyway.

"Uh..." I say dumbly. Fucking hell, what is my thing? I've literally got no purpose in life. Shit.

"You can tell me while you walk with me." She says, noticing the stiff few seconds I created as I tried to think of an answer.

"Walk?" I question, sounding pathetic again, "Where?"

She shrugs, "Just around, I'm still new to this area so I don't mind exploring."

"Huh." I glance outside the window. It's almost 9pm and the sun has already set.

As I'm about to respond, a hand whisks away mine and drags me outside. Any chances of me declining have run away. It's the sudden contact of her skin against mine that causes my eyes to blink wide. But she doesn't notice my dysfunctioning state. She only smiles that sweet honeyed smile of hers while I'm literally crumbling to pieces, unable to hold myself together every time she does something unexpected like this.

Leading me out into the moonlight, we both breathe in the nightly air. It's fresh, cool. While the darkness tries to promise us cold, there's only a light breeze that grazes our skin.

"So tell me,", she speaks, her voice as delicate as the quiet night, "Do you wear that cross for a reason or just for fashion?"

Our hands are still entwined with each other and my heart is still trying to find an ordinary to pace at. But it's impossible when she's so close, when I know how her fingers feel in mine, and every brush of our arms gets me gulping.

I look at her and she looks at me, eyes soon dropping to the choker on my neck where the cross pendant swung. "Uhm.", awkwardly, I have to look away, unable to think straight when I'm looking at her, "I don't know, I guess, both."

Why am I still holding her hand? The last time someone held my hand was when my Aunt had to drag me out of a candy store when I was six.

My hand squirms in hers. Oh my gosh, what if I'm not holding her hand right?

"Both? So, you're a Christian?", she pushes.

"Yeah, kind of." I reply, frowning in puzzlement, "Aren't you?"

Why else would she come to a fucking Bible study?

"Eh, not really.", she says and leaves it at that.

Maybe she expects me to question why.

"Why?"

A shrug comes before her words, "I think it's cool and all. I just don't really agree with all the stuff it claims to be right."

Licking my lips, I watch my feet move. I can understand exactly what she means.

"Like sex before marriage?"

She nods, "And you know..."

Then she looks at me again and my eyes of course follow hers, staring straight back at her, "All that gay shit."

And that's when I stumble, my toes hitting the uneven cement in the path. Her grip on my hand tightens and keeps me up, "Are you okay?", her voice is coated with concern, eyes slightly worried.

I grunt out a 'Yes'.

Fuck, I'm so embarrassed.

She only laughs, making me look away more.

Fuck, I'm so in love.