When you hold words and thoughts and feelings inside you for a long time; when you stomp on the prickly ones and deny any that conflict with your rage narrative, after a while they start to layer upon each other like sediment – thick and sludgy and hard to separate. Eventually they harden, immovable as rock.

Or at least that's what I thought.

This morning I went on a date and had a panic attack. This afternoon, my parents and I sit down and open the floodgates. The sediment comes crashing out in waves.

<<...I'm sorry I scared you today Frankie May. It wasn't what you thought it was. Megan's a jeweller – an old friend from our Uni days. We commissioned her to make this ring for your Mum's birthday...>>

[[...I just... I don't know how to trust you anymore...]]

{{...Your Dad and I aren't sure how much of this is appropriate to tell you. But it's pretty clear that just hoping things back to normal isn't working...}}

<<...I was in a bad place. Work was stressful and I was feeling old and boring and sick of it. That's no excuse for what I did, I know that. I should have talked to your Mum about how I was feeling, worked through it inside our marriage, rather than beyond it. At the time, I couldn't, or maybe I wouldn't, see it like that...>>

<<...I fucked up Frankie, I fucked up so badly and I know that. I let your Mum down, I let you down... I can't even... I'm so, so sorry...>>

{{...Our counsellor has helped us understand how our relational patterns have been heavily impacted by upbringing and how to set new ones...}}

<< ...Growing up, your uncles and I were taught to cover any hurts or frustrations with a smile. To crack jokes, look the other way, pretend everything was okay even when it clearly wasn't. I never really learned to talk through serious emotional issues. To be honest, it still doesn't come naturally to me but I'm learning...>>

[[You missed my fifteenth birthday... You missed my birthday to be with her...]]

<<I have no excuses. I was a selfish, misguided, idiot.>>

[[Some days I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm so angry at you both... I don't know what to do with all this rage...]]

{{...I get it sweetheart, truly, I do. I was furious. I still rage sometimes. Boy, do I rage. Your Dad took 20 years of shared history and torched it so completely we barely survived. I was ready to tell him I wanted a divorce. But I kept thinking about something the celebrant said at our wedding. That the true test of a relationship is not whether you thrive when things are easy, but whether you can find your way back together when things are toughest. I felt I owed it to myself to try...}}

<<...I know you view your Mum's decision to stay with me as cowardly  – a sign of weakness. But honestly, it's the hardest, bravest thing I've ever seen her do...>>

[[...I can't just click my fingers and pretend that everything is suddenly forgiven. I don't know how to do that...]]

{{...We aren't expecting you to, sweetheart. That isn't how this works...}}

<<...The last thing I want is for us to be the next generation of Burtons who just put on a happy face. But could we work on coming back together as a family? Talk more. Be honest about our feelings, even the ugly ones. Try to give each other the benefit of the doubt. Maybe even go and see a counsellor?...>>

[[...I can try...]]

<<We love you, Frankie May.>>

{{So very , very much.}}

For the first time in a very long time, I believe them.